I have a hard time writing for a grade. Writing for a blog isn't as hard because no on is judging me on my punctuation or how descriptive my words are.
I am taking a composition class right now. It is HARD! The last few weeks my teacher has complimented me on how well I have been writing. This week, however, I am not so sure I will get such compliments. I had to write a descriptive paragraph for my essay. I was very hard. I can vividly picture the day I want to describe in my head, but getting it down on paper is another thing. Hopefully, the paragraph I wrote for his week's assignment is what he is looking for...
August 30 started of as a typical day with one exception; my brother's fluffy, cute, obnoxious dog was at our house until my brother and my mom came home from their fateful trip to Arizona. I went to school complaining about how loud that dog was and how I didn't get any sleep. I proceeded with the mundane task of going to my first three classes of the day. Then, I was called down to the office to see my dad. I could never have even imagined what happened next. I walked in and saw the heavy hearted look on my dad's face. He took me into a small room with my sister and told us the news. "Mom and Anthony have been killed in a car accident." My heart fell into my stomach. I was beyond feeling. Wasn't I just talking to my mom the night before?
What do you think? Does it describe the day or just give a general idea what it may have been like? I already turned it in, but your feed back would be helpful for my revisions for next week.
The words "heavy" and "hearted" should be hyphenated, like so: "heavy-hearted". That's my non-educated editorial opinion. Otherwise, wow. That one sentence, the one your father spoke... I felt what you must've felt for one brief moment. I could imagine the weight that must've weighed you down as you stood/sat there and he told you this. I can imagine the impact of that one simple sentence trying to make sense in your young mind, yourself maybe struggling to accept it's truthfulness. I say, yes, you described it well enough. ;)
ReplyDeleteOne more thing... lol
ReplyDeleteThe finality of death is just so incomprehensible to me... today marks the 8th year anniversary of my Gramps dying and I vividly remembering trying to grasp the reality of it all... I still remember looking at him in his coffin and trying to "get" that he was no longer living. I know where we go after this, and maybe that's why it's not such a harsh burden for me to think about (someone close to me dying), but, then again, maybe my mind just won't let me. Who knows. Well done, though. :)
some of the sentences were very descriptive, others not. It almost seemed as though the descriptions were forced or as an 'oops I better throw something in there'.
ReplyDeleteI can put myself in your position and imagine all these things that would have or could have been going on. Don't be afraid to describe it all. I'm sure it is still very painful and may remain so. Make your audience feel as though this is happening to them.