Need to Forgive

This morning, I was listening to President Nelson talk, The Power of Spiritual Momentum, and felt the need to work on forgiveness again. I went through this process a while back, and it gave me the peace I was seeking at the time. The problem is that I am struggling with harsh feelings towards this person again. The more I struggle with it, the less peace I feel within myself, and I hate that. 

When I started the Pathways program, I decided that my project for the the first semester of my religion class would be to forgive the person who hurt me the most. By the end of that semester, I could honestly say that I felt I had done so. I spent the next few years not even thinking about the pain this person had cause me, and I was actually able to interact with them again in a friendly manner thinking we had put our past behind us. 

This would all change about three years ago. (I will not go into details about that at this time.) At this point, I felt betrayed again out of nowhere, and it has continually gotten worse. I don't like how it has affected me or my children. 

Two years ago, I ended up in therapy to deal with my depression and feelings of inadequacy. My therapist had me start with splitting up chores around the house (which helped until the others stopped helping). Then, she suggested that I find a friend that I could see in person at least once a month. Even though we were still in the height of COVID, I was able to do so with someone I knew I could trust which also helped (and still helps). The next step was even harder. I had to look within my self to uncover where my feelings of inadequacy and shame came from. She suggested I read the book Healing the Shame that Binds You. By reading this, some memories came flooding back from my teenage years as well as my twenties. I ended up having to quit therapy because I could no longer afford it, but this gave me a place to start. 

Fast forward to now. I have worked out some of my issues with my mother and father in my head. It is easy to do. My mother was mentally ill. I can look back at the years and see that her decisions were not always she something she would have done had she been able to have the quality care she was finally finding near the end of her life. My dad did not always know what was going on. He put his trust in the wrong people from time to time, and sometimes it had consequences that hurt me more than he realized. The issue is that person who hurt me throughout my twenties.

I have come to realize that just because I forgive someone, I do not have to be friends with them. Forgiveness will bring me peace. Someone who is not seeking the same, will not care. What does that mean for me? I am going to work on forgiveness again. I am going to search out this peace again. I know it will take hard work, and it may take the rest of my life. However, I know my Heavenly Father will lead me in the right direction if I ask. He will bring me this miracle as many times as I need it because He loves me and wants me to feel this peace, too.