Losing Myself Again

There was a time when I lost myself in my children, and I loved it. All I wanted to be when I was growing up was a mom. For a while I completely lost myself in that identity. I went back and forth with the idea of wanting a job because I knew it was  need. However, for the most part, all I cared about was that I was a mom. 

Since I started working a paying job, I have found the satisfaction in my work. I have been promoted, recruited, and hand selected in the past 13 years, and it felt good because I knew these accomplishments were mine and earned with hard work. When I was working in the office, it was a bit of an escape. I would still answer the phone when my kids would call and rush to take care of them when needed like when the car Eric was driving overheated on the way to school. I was still a mom, but there were clear boundaries. Work was work and home was home. 

Like a lot of people, I was sent home to work in March 2020 because of the pandemic. I struggled with the lack of human interaction outside the home and did what I could to solve that issue. I ended up in therapy because I was overwhelmed with the blending of home and work life. I had lost a piece of me that I didn't even know I wanted. Slowly, I accepted that this was my new life. I could see why I needed to be home to take care of my children, and my life started to get busy again. The problem is that I have still lost a piece of me, and it slips away more and more all of the time. 

I really want to be able to have time to myself. No. I do not have children in my room talking to me all of the time while I work, but they do come talk to me and hug me periodically (that part doesn't bother me). I don't get time alone very often outside of working hours, though. I have been so overwhelmed with the people in my household, that I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I love my husband and kids, but I need some time to just be me again. I need to either find what I feel I am losing or discover part of me I didn't know I had again. Either way, I need to have time to myself to find it.