Secrets Revealed

Every so often, my dad tells me things about my mom that were previously kept secret from my sister and me. For example, I did not know her mental health diagnosis until about 10 years ago. I only knew she was in an out of the hospital. I think he keeps things from me to try to protect me in a way. The thing is that I think it would have been easier to have known because I have done a lot of work to help me live with the complicated relationship I had with my mom as well as the feelings I have faced because of her sudden death.

While visiting my dad this last weekend, we had some intense conversations. One of these conversations was about the accident that killed my mom and brother. I was told after it happened that they were both asleep when it happened and had died on impact. I was under the impression that the car hit the guardrail head on essentially impaling my mom and sending Anthony out the rear window. I learned that this was not what happened. My dad apparently ordered a copy of and read the accident report. 

The first thing I learned was that the car hit the guardrail on the side at about the passenger door, where my mom was sitting, which is probably how she was injured. The problem is that she did not die instantly. She bled out. I used to have nightmares of Anthony lying in a ditch crying for someone to find him. As it turns out, there is a possibility that my mom was in pain as she died (something she often said she was scared would happen). 

The other thing that I learned was that there was a possibility that Anthony woke up and saw that the car was going off of the road and tried to recover it. My dad believes this because the accident report indicated that the car spun out. If the car spun out, he could not have been ejected the way he was. 

I have been trying to process this information for the last five days. Each day has been more difficult. I have been able stay busy each evening so far this week. It helps a bit, but I need to find a way to come to terms with the idea that they may have both suffered before they died.