My First Week

My first week of school is done! I can't believe it. I love it so far. I feel like I am actually doing something useful for my family now. I know that in a few years I will be able to work in the medical billing and coding profession and really make a difference in the quality of life for me and my family. That gives me even more drive to do my work.

I am taking two classes this term, Medical Terminology and Strategies for Success. So far, Medical Terminology is a bit hard, but still fun. Strategies for Success seems to be about goal making and prioritizing. I admit that I do need to do this more in my life. At first, I thought this was a horrible class to require student to take, but now, after starting week two, I am thinking that it is great. If I don't get an A in this class, I will scream though.

I am happy to report that so far I have 100% in each class. That actually surprised me. One of my answers on a paper was seriously, "I can't find this anywhere." The teacher still gave me a 20/20 on that paper. I would have to think that either she hadn't posted the information that was needed for that question yet, or she was just being nice since it was the first assignment. Either way, I will be trying harder to make sure I have read everything available for my assignments from now on. I didn't like the worrying about the assignment from Monday (the day I turned the paper in) until Sunday (the day the grade was posted).

Warning! Vent Alert!

This week has been really stressful. I know some of the reason, but not all. I know that when I am looking forward to something it makes the days leading up to said event (in this case going out for my birthday this weekend) a lot harder to handle. I, also, know that when the kids are looking forward to something, it makes them ask when that event is going to happen (in this case spending the night at Uncle Asher's and Aunt Rachel's tonight). There are other more obvious reasons that, as promised before, I will not discuss on my blog.

Why am I writing about this? Well, I have noticed that it seems to be coming to a head this morning. John left for work early this morning. Not as early as he did with he last job, but early for us to be getting up lately. I couldn't bring myself to go back to sleep, so I got up, took a shower, and expected to have some quiet time all to myself for just a little while. I was wrong.

As I came out of my room this morning, Sean came out of his room too. Noel was soon to follow. They both wanted cuddle time. (The mark of the mornings first fit.) I started with Sean, and then cuddled Noel because we determined a while back that going in the order they got up was the most fair way. While cuddling Noel, Eric woke up and wanted breakfast and to be cuddled too (I hope he doesn't decide he is too big for that anytime soon). To get Noel off my lap I told her and Sean to go look in the dishwasher for a cup and a plate for breakfast. There was only one small plate in the dishwasher, and I don't like them climbing on the counters to get stuff out of the cupboards (welcome fight number one). I got up and got plates out for the two remaining children when I was done with cuddling Eric. Then, they were loud and obnoxious through out breakfast. Normally, I interact with them through breakfast, but I just didn't feel like it today because of my already sour mood. After breakfast, Noel got dressed right away (I probably wouldn't have chose that as an outfit, but she is happy, I won't fight her on it). It took Sean about an hour to get dressed, and Eric took about 2 hours to get dress. In the mean time, they continued to be loud. ARGH!

The highlight of my morning so far? John called me just to see how I was doing.

Pierced Ears

On July 3 we took Noel to the mall and got her ears pierced. She was so excited to be able to wear earrings like Mama and Brynna (a girl her age at church). She had decided before going that she was going to get pink earrings and was very excited that they had pink flower ones!

We're Working it Out

John and I have decided that we will be working out our problems and saving our relationship. We both know and understand that there is a long road ahead of us, but we are up to the challenge. What does this mean for me? It means that I don't have to be facing single motherhood. Yay! It means that I don't have to face living without him. Yay! It means that I am learning to be more assertive. It means that A LOT of my time and energy are being taken with these efforts. I can honestly say that I never saw myself in this situation, and I hope to never be again. I feel that this is the right decision for me and my family. The last month (about) has been a roller coaster to say the least. I don't see that going away anytime soon. Life is hard. It is a lot of work. My life has been filled with lots of ups and downs. I have a tendency to dwell on the downs. I seem to look at other peoples problems and wish that they were mine instead. Of course there are problems that other people have that I wouldn't imagine wanted, and I am glad for my trials when I hear about theirs. Then I go back to feeling sorry for myself. I know that only a few of you really know what has been going on, but I want it to stay that way. I don't think it would be good for anyone involved in the mess that has been going on for it to get out. I love my husband. That is what matters. He and I are going to be fine. We are going to get though this and be happier for it. I not only have to believe that, I do believe it.

I know this kind of jumps all over the place. I just felt that I needed to get it out. I needed to let everyone that I am doing fine. I know I have been keeping to myself a lot lately. Just give me some more time. I will back to being social again. I just can't say when right now.

I Changed My Mind

I have been changing my mind a lot lately. It drives me crazy sometimes, but I have learned to deal with it.

I was sure yesterday morning that I wanted to go to school online at National American University. Well, I will still be going to an online school, but I have decided to go to Everest University Online. Through Everest I can get an associates degree upon finishing the medical billing and coding program and then move onto a bachelors program if I so choose. With National American I would have received a certificate upon completion. I feel better about the idea of having a degree. I think it would get me farther. I could be wrong, but at least it is what feels right.

School

There have been and are going to be a lot of changes in my life. Some of them are good. Some I may see as good later.

I have been wanting to go to school for a log time. When I finished high school, I was ready to go to college, but that was not the path that was right for me at that time. About 2 years ago I felt very strongly that I was to go to school. When voicing this need to my husband, he told me that he didn't want me to do that. Like a "good" wife, I listened to him and didn't go.

Now I am facing the big "D" and needing to find a way to provide for myself and my kids. I am still looking for a job, but I have also decided to apply to National American University to start school as soon as possible. I have prayed about this decision and feel that is the best choice for me and my family. My plan is to get my certificate in medical billing and coding. When I finish that program, I will decide if I need/want to continue my education through them.

I have a strong desire to work in the medial field. I would prefer to get into a radiology program, but I know that I need to be home with my kids as much as possible, and I can't complete a radiology program online. Some day I will get into a radiology program and then an ultrasound program. For now, I will do what I feel is best.

Yuck!

Well, the good news is that I am not pregnant. Why would I say that you ask? I was so sick from the stress that I was feeling too sick to my stomach to eat last week. My first worry of course was that I was pregnant. My periods are so far apart that I really can't judge by that. In fact my last two pregnancies the due date had to be determined by ultra sound because that is the only way to judge with me (and those stinkers were STILL a week and a half late).

The bad news...I started my period last Sunday night. For most women this is an inconvenience for about a week. For me, I have deal with this "minor" pain for about two weeks. I know that this only happens to me about every 3-10 months (which means it actually came a month and a half early at least) , but I would prefer for it not to come at all. The way I see it, I am not having any more kids, so why should I have to deal with this grossness. I guess I should feel lucky that it doesn't come as often as it is supposed to, but seriously...two weeks!

Sorry if that was too much information. I just needed to get it out. hehe

The Brute

We went to the park with some friends a few days ago, and I decided to bring the dog along. Eric and Sean thought it would be fun to get Lexie to go up the stairs and drag her down the slide. They were successful the first 3 or4 times. Then, Lexie decided that she wasn't going to do it anymore. She pulled in the opposite direction. Sean was wasn't strong enough to hold her as she pulled. He got pulled instead of the other way around.

Sean getting pulled across the platform.

Where he stopped.

The brute, Lexie, now comfortable.

My Little Hams

I Will Not Be Your Piece of Gossip

I have many reasons that I am shutting down my FaceBook account. One of the biggest reasons is that I feel like I have become the subject of people's gossip. I get that some people care and want to know what is going on, but there are those that just want that juicy piece of gossip. Well, I am not willing to give that to you. I am a person with real feelings, going through a really tough time. I am going through the biggest roller coaster of emotions of anytime in my life that I can remember. Does that mean I have not been through harder times? No. It means I don't remember how I handled my last big trial. Do I think that no one cares about me? No. I just am having a hard time discerning who is sincere in their efforts. Do I not want people to help me? That isn't it either. I just have a hard time asking for/accepting help. Please, give me some time. I do appreciate the concerns of my friends and family. Just understand, if I don't know what I am going to be doing to get through today, I can not make concrete plans for October.

Dear Mr. President

"Dear Mr. President"

(feat. Indigo Girls)

Dear Mr. President,

Come take a walk with me.

Let's pretend we're just two people and

You're not better than me.

I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?

Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?

What do you feel when you look in the mirror?

Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?

How do you walk with your head held high?

Can you even look me in the eye

And tell me why?

Dear Mr. President,

Were you a lonely boy?

Are you a lonely boy?

Are you a lonely boy?

How can you say

No child is left behind?

We're not dumb and we're not blind.

They're all sitting in your cells

While you pave the road to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?

And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?

I can only imagine what the first lady has to say

You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?

How do you walk with your head held high?

Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Minimum wage with a baby on the way

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Building a bed out of a cardboard box

Let me tell you 'bout hard work

Hard work

Hard work

You don't know nothing 'bout hard work

Hard work

Hard work

Oh

How do you sleep at night?

How do you walk with your head held high?

Dear Mr. President,

You'd never take a walk with me.

Would you?

[Thanks to swarner@bankexcel.com, Sweetsongstress14@comcast.net, Keir Lewis for correcting these lyrics]

The Gambler by Kenny Rogers

On a warm summers evenin on a train bound for nowhere,

I met up with the gambler ; we were both too tired to sleep.

So we took turns a starin out the window at the darkness

til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, son, Ive made a life out of readin peoples faces,

And knowin what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.

So if you dont mind my sayin, I can see youre out of aces.

For a taste of your whiskey Ill give you some advice.

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.

Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.

And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.

Said, if youre gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,

Know when to walk away and know when to run.

You never count your money when youre sittin at the table.

Therell be time enough for countin when the dealins done.

Now evry gambler knows that the secret to survivin

Is knowin what to throw away and knowing what to keep.

cause evry hands a winner and evry hands a loser,

And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.

So when hed finished speakin, he turned back towards the window,

Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.

And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even.

But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep.

You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,

Know when to walk away and know when to run.

You never count your money when youre sittin at the table.

Therell be time enough for countin when the dealins done.

You got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em,

Know when to walk away and know when to run.

You never count you r money when youre sittin at the table.

Therell be time enough for countin when the dealins done.
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It May Take a While

Many of you have noticed that I have not been blogging much this week. Well, there is a reason for that. My life has been turned upside down. I don't think I am really ready to post the details yet. I don't know if I will ever post the details the worst day in my life. Just know that I will start blogging again. I will be OK. I will get through this a stronger person. I have no choice.

A Good Sign?

I lost 2 pounds this week. The funny thing is that I wasn't even really trying. I haven't been counting my calories, and other than walking the dog, I haven't exercised. I am hoping that this means that I am actually learning how to give myself limits. It either means that or I am just going to be fluctuating between 167 and 170. (That was really hard to admit!)

Noel's "Magic Wand" Picture

I'm thinking the story must go with this picture. Yesterday, my kids were driving me crazy, and I needed to get things done. My solution was to go to one of my favorite kid websites and print up pictures for the two that just like to color and let the other one draw his own picture. I let Sean and Noel pick the pictures that they would like to color. Noel saw this one and very excitedly said, "I want the one with the magic wand!" I asked her to point to it for me because I didn't think I saw one with a magic wand. She pointed to this one.

Sean's Contibution For The Day

From: Eric To: Eric

My Pedometer

I got a pedometer at Target Saturday. I have been wanting one for a while, and I found one that was only about $5.00. I went ahead and got it.

I got it out on Sunday, and by the time I took it off for the night I had almost 4000 steps counted on it. Not great, but considering I spent a lot of time sitting in church, not bad either.

Monday, I put it on and by dinner I had about the same amount of steps counted as I did for the whole day Sunday. I was feeling pretty darn good about that. Then, later when we sat down to watch a movie I decided to take it off for a bit and look at it. The darn thing said 1 step. YUCK! I was so upset. I didn't put it back on that night.

Yesterday, when I went to weed whack my back yard, is said about 300 steps. I thought the number looked low, but then remembered that I had been sitting in front of the computer for most of the morning. The low number then made sense. When I was just about done with the part of the yard I was going to do, I looked down at my new gadget to see how many steps I had done. It said 75. WHAT!

All I can figure is that I keep pushing the reset button while I am doing stuff. How frustrating though. That reset button must be really sensitive or I lean on my right hip a lot. Either way it is making it really hard to get an accurate count so that I can challenge myself farther.

So Mad At Myself!

I am so mad at myself! I gained 3 pounds this week. I only lost 1 pound a week for the last two weeks. That means that one week of not watching what I eat and not working out much cost me more than 2 weeks of weight loss. I have got to reevaluate what I am doing. I need to stop eating out of boredom and stress. I keep telling myself that it would be easier once I get a job, but that job hasn't come to me yet. I need to find something for me to do to keep my mind off of food all of the time. Of course not buying Chex Mix just because there is a good deal on it would probably help too (he he). Today is supposed to be my off day. I am going to enjoy the food tonight without counting it. Since tomorrow I will be fasting for religious reasons, maybe that will help me refocus and get the junk out of my system. Tomorrow starts a new week, and I will be starting all over again.

Lego Lexie

Eric made our dog out of Lego's yesterday. What do you think?