Internship Coming Together

 I have been working hard at finding an internship so I can graduate in July. I believe I have found one that will be a perfect fit for me. As long as everything continues to go smoothly, I will be doing my internship at Catholic Charities helping people with navigating employment options. I am so excited! 

When I interviewed for this position last week and learned more about the organization, I knew that I wanted to be involved in any way that I can. The supervisor I spoke to is exactly the kind of person I could see looking up to as a mentor. Everything about being there with her felt right. 

The only obstacle I have left is for my application with the school to be approved. I am little worried about that part because I am not sure it is related enough to Marriage and Family Studies. Honestly, if it isn't I would be devastated because I don't have a backup plan, and I really want to do this. 

When the internship is done, I hope I will be able to work for an organization like Catholic Charities. I want to be the kind of person that makes a difference in other people's lives. It has always been my wish and is even more so now that I am so close to the goal of graduation. 

Don't Say That

My cousin died week about a year after his wife died in the same manner. He had been struggling with her loss, but on the surface seemed to be doing better and was even engaged. I don't really know this cousin because I don't know my mom's side of the family very well. Only knew what was posted on Facebook. I knew of his engagement, the brain injury he suffered from a sledding accident in January, the selling of his house, and finding a new home for his dogs saying he couldn't take care of them after his accident. I didn't know about the demons he had been fighting since his wife took her own life. 

When I saw that my cousin's fiancée had posted about him, it thought it was another on about how much she loved him and the cute things he did for her. It wasn't. He died the same way as his wife. She is devastated. I feel so bad for her. She has posted about her feeling several times as a way of coping. 

Yesterday, she posted first thing in the morning saying how much she missed him. Not knowing how to support someone I don't know who lives in another state, I read through the comments to see what my sister or other cousins might have said. A comment made his late wife's sister telling this poor woman that she needed to think about the daughter that lost both of her parents the same way in 13 months. That's a bit heartless. There are many people suffering because of this loss. They need to be able to do so.

I remember being told I needed to think of the other people that had lost my mom and brother when I expressed grief many times. It started a few days after their death when my aunt told my sister and I that we were selfish for only listing their relationship to each other on the planned grave stones. It continued when people at church would constantly remind us that our sister was grieving when we were asked why we were less social than we had been before the accident. Then, it continued after my dad remarried as it was used against me when I was not handling being used as a scapegoat while still trying to figure out how to live without my mom and brother. It still happens every once in a while when I post about them on Facebook from my mom's family.

Those of us who have lost someone special know we are not the only ones who lost them. It doesn't need to be pointed out. When someone dies, the people left behind need compassion. Each person is hurting. Yes, it is tragic that my cousin's kids lost two parents to suicide in just over a year. That has got to be devastating for them! It is also tragic that a lady who was planning a wedding in just over a month lost the man she loves and planned to spend eternity with. If we want to look at all of the people suffering right now, we can include my aunt and uncle who now have to bury another son and my cousins who have lost another sibling. There are undoubtedly many more people that he touched that are sad right now. Don't tell one person who has every right to be devastated by this loss that she needs to think of other people. She knows about them. It doesn't change how she is feeling. 

Standing for Something - Book Review

 Many years ago, I either bought this book or was given it. I really don't remember when or how it came into my home. However, I do know I have never really read it other than using it as a reference for talks at church. 

When searching for self-improvement materials that would support my values and goals, I remembered I had this book sitting on the shelf in my living room and added it to my bag of books to read. I am so glad that I did! 

Standing for Something was published in 2000, but it is even more applicable today. How do I assure that I am a person I can be proud of? Follow the teachings of this book. I can have integrity, continue learning, offer forgiveness and mercy, express gratitude, live a life of faith, etc. As I do so, I will be a guardian of marriage and family as I learn to be a true leader. What more could I ask of myself?

As I read this book, I had a few breakthroughs. I know that it was written by a prophet of God. It contains inspired words that not only could help those who read it in 2000, it can continue to help those who read it and follow its teachings. 

Here are a few quotes that blew my mind: 

"We live in an intriguing age, a curious age in many respects, an age in which the ability and power to communicate, and therefore to influence and persuade, reign supreme. With the proliferation of technology, and the various forms of media clamoring to take advantage of it, has come an interesting side effect...It is impossible to read the columns or listen to the commentaries without sensing that there is a terrible ailment of gloom in the land. We are constantly fed a steady and sour diet of pessimism, fault find, send-guessing, and evil speaking of one another. The pathetic fact is: Negativism sells."

"For marriage to be mutually satisfying, there must be recognition on the part of both husband and wife of the solemnity and sanctity of their union and of the God-given design behind it. Husbands and wives, look upon each other as precious companions, and live worthy of that association."

"Each of us in an individual...There must be respect for those differences...the differences may make the companionship more interesting...There must be respect for each other's interests, there must be opportunities and encouragement for the development and expression of individual talent. Any man who denies his wife the time and encouragement to develop her talents denies himself and his children a blessing that could grace their home and bless their posterity."

"Never in the history of the world has there been a more profound need for leaders of principle to step forward. Never before, at least not in our generation, have the forces of evil been so blatant, so brazen, so aggressive at they are at the present time. Things we dared not speak about in an earlier era are now constantly projected into our living rooms."

"We are involved in an intense battle. It is a battle between right and wrong, between truth and error, between the design of the Almighty on the one hand and that of Lucifer on the other. For that reason, we desperately need men and women who, in their individual spheres of influence, will stand for truth in a world of sophistry...We need moral men and women, people who stand on principle, to be involved in the political process. Otherwise, we abdicate power to those whose designs are almost entirely selfish."

 We live in a time that can be scary. People are mistreated. It is hard to discern between truth and fiction in the media (all media) at times. Spouses mistreat each other rather than build each other up. (My husband is my biggest cheerleader. Not everyone is that fortunate.) We have politicians that are more interested in things other than the good of the people. 

The world would be a better place if we could learn the simple things laid out in this book. We could all use more character growth. It could be healing for us individually and as a society. 

 

Mourning Still

A few months after my mom and brother died, my boyfriend at the time asked when I was going to get over it. I'm sure he just didn't understand, but it was harsh. We broke up a few months later. (Yep. I was a doormat for even before I met my ex husband.) I think I finally have an answer to that boy's question, though. Never. At least, not in this lifetime. 

I am sitting here 28 1/2 years after Anthony and Mom were taken suddenly crying over what we did have and wishing they were here. The last few weeks have been hard, and the last 3 days have been absolutely heartbreaking. 

I didn't get to experience an adult relationship with my mom. She died about a month after I turned 18. I was still in high school. I was at a baby shower a few weeks ago, and a question for a game was ask about what new parents ask experienced parents. The answers shocked some people, and someone made the comment that everyone just gets that kind of help or advice from their mom when the baby is born. I got help and advice from my mother-in-law at the time. I will forever be grateful that she took the time to help me with things in the beginning, but it is hard to ignore my mom wasn't able to be there. The other day a well meaning person said they understood how hard it was to lose a mother, and for them the hardest part was not being able to call her whenever they wanted. I never had that. Even after my mom moved out, we didn't have that. I was able to drive to visit her when I wanted, but I don't think it ever occurred to me to just call her. 

I'm glad most women have the kind of relationship that there are certain things they can just expect from their moms. I'm not mad about that. I hope my kids and I have that as they grow older and progress in life. However, I am also sad I never got to experience an adult relationship with my mother. I miss her terribly, and I understand that a big part of that is mourning for the things we never got to experience together because she was gone so young.

Sick All of the Time

This last few weeks, I have been sick, and it wasn't the first time over the last few months. I have been sick off and on since December which is the most I have been sick for a while. I am fairly certain that is because I have been working from home 5 years as of this week and don't get to leave the house as much as I would like. This means my immune system hasn't been building up as much as it would have if I had more contact with the public. 

I also had the joy of going to the ER in December and finding out that my asthma has gone from being exercise induced and fairly inactive to being viral induced as well and causing more problems. Now, I get to have a rescue inhaler with me and keep track of how many times per week I use it. If I use it too often, which I have been doing, I am supposed to be referred to a pulmonologist for further testing. I will probably keep going as I have until my ER bill is paid. 

I am currently still searching for an internship to finish my degree. I am hoping for an in-person position. Being around people will help me build my immune system while I network and work towards finding a job in my chosen field. Maybe, next cold and flu season will be a bit easier on me. 

Weight Loss Incentives

Earlier this week, Chad and I decided that we needed to have incentives to lose weight. Our big incentive, for when we reach our goal weights, is to have a weekend in the mountains with cross country skiing lessons (one of the ideas we had for our anniversary trip this year). The thing is, we have a long way to go (especially me). I suggested that we have incentives for smaller goals along the way. He agreed, and we sat down and discussed what would help motivate each of us. The only rule was no food rewards. 

Mine are:

• 10 pounds = Chad does dishes for a week
• 20 pounds = new nail polish
• 30 pounds = pedicure
• 40 pounds = Topgolf date
• 50 pounds = new stickers
• 60 pounds = Cross country skiing trip

Chad's are:

• 10 pounds = Rosa does grocery shopping for a month
• 25 pounds = get his bike fixed
• Goal weight = Cross country skiing trip

Chad has less incentives because he doesn't want to have more. He says he can't think of anything else that would help motivate him. I, on the other hand, need something to incentivize me throughout my journey. I don't know if this will help more than other things that I have tried including the fatty liver diagnosis, but I am willing to give it a try. I hate being this big. Thankfully, I am no longer married to someone who makes comments about my size, but that doesn't change the fact that I want to be more comfortable in my own body. 

So Close

 I am very close to getting my Bachelor of Science in Marriage and Family Studies. How close? I only have to do the internship. I have been this close for almost a year now, and I have put off the internship because I'm scared to put myself out there and don't know where to start looking for it. Ideally, I would find an internship that I can work in the evenings after I get off work and would be paid as a part time job. Realistically, I know it is unlikely that I would be paid, but I may be able to find something that I could do after work and on Saturdays. I have just let the fear take over and keep me from achieving this dream. (I do this way too much!)

Over the last few days, I have had two calls from the university. The first one was from advising reminding me that I need to do the internship by the middle of April. (I don't know if that is even possible.) She gave me a few options that could extend that deadline, but I would have to take more classes because I have been in school for so long. One of the options was to switch to a professional general degree in which I would have to take a handful of classes, but I would not have to complete an internship (very appealing). After talking over these options with Chad, I decided that changing to the professional general degree from marriage and family studies would be the best option and emailed her back telling her so. Today, the director of the department called me to let me know that if I could get going on an internship, he would do everything he could to help me complete the degree without taking any more classes. He said that this would be the best option because the internship could help me network and possibly lead to a job in a humanitarian field. This was followed up with an email that gives me the email address to reach out to the internship coordinator. 

I think I am ready to do an internship. I am worried about being gone most evenings. I don't want my kids or husband to feel neglected. However, I do like the idea of being able to switch to a career in which I can actually help people. That has been my goal for a long time.

Paige Fish Concert

 

Last night, my sweet daughter took me to a concert at a dive bar in Denver. She has played music by Paige Fish when we have been in the car together for a while. When Noel found out there was a concert that she could afford, she came to me and asked if I would go with her. I love live music and knew I already liked at least some of her songs. 

This concert was probably one of the less professional shows I have been to, but I thought it was pretty good. The bar was small, so it was packed which made it harder to see the stage and the crowd was quite young even for Noel (they sold under and over 21 tickets). The opening act impressed me, and Paige Fish sang beautifully. There is just something about a real soulful voice that I could listen to for hours. This was such a good pairing! 

I love that it is easy to find music from up and coming artists, and I love that my kids seek it out. I wouldn't be surprised if this artist is the next Sheryl Crow.