The Daughter of...

I am a daughter. I will always be a daughter no matter what other roles I have in my life. I am the daughter of an accountant. That's what most people see because I work in billing. My dad is also very religious, as am I. These are the easy things to see. My dad is still alive. 

My mom influenced me as well. I don't know if I have any of her traits quite honestly. I love my mom. I miss my mom. I would love to have her back. However, I am at a point in my life when I have to acknowledge the pain. 

I am the daughter of someone who was mentally ill. She was in and out of psychiatric hospitals for a few years. The first time she went, my sister and I had to live with our aunt and uncle for a few months. I still don't fully understand why, but it was traumatizing. The other times, we stayed home and lived life as normal as possible while periodically visiting her on the weekends. Then, she left, and we didn't know where she went for a while. (I later found out she did this other times, but this time my dad didn't cover up for her.) I have memories of her outbursts, odd stories she would tell us, and her climbing into my bed crying during PTSD episodes when she lived in out basement. I was 15. 

As the daughter of a mentally ill mother, I am always looking for signs of it in me. When I get depressed, is it chronic depression or are life circumstances just hard right now? When I get angry and yell, am I mentally ill, or is this a normal reaction? When I cry uncontrollably, am I mentally ill, or is it ok to be this sad sometimes? I understand everyone has emotions. I know that just because my mom needed a lot of help to care for her brain properly, that doesn't mean I do. I also know that I can accept help, and I do from time to time. However, I haven't had anyone even try to diagnose me since I was 13 because I'm scared. Most people are diagnosed with my mom's illness (which was more than just PTSD) are in their late teens to mid 20s. That doesn't mean I can't have the same of similar issues. It just means I'm less likely. 

After talking to a few people that grew up with a mentally ill parent they have said they have the same fear. However, I still feel alone in this fear. I think I will always be looking for signs of it in me and people around me. 

I am a daughter. I have a mom and a dad. I know the traits I have of my dad's. I don't know if I have any traits of my mom right now other than her smile. I love being like my dad in some ways. I hate that I don't know enough about my mom to know how I'm like her. All I can remember lately is the mental illness and the love she gave us when she was feeling well. 

She Called

Noel and I have an interesting relationship. We are closer than I could have imagined we could be at this age. (I had a strained relationship with my mom for most of my teen years. When it was finally getting better, she died.) There are times when we drive each other crazy, but we still love each other and have fun most of the time.  She has a hard time when I am gone, and I have a hard time when she’s gone. 

This week, she is at a conference all week. I know it is a good experience for her, but it has been hard to have her gone so long and not hear from her. I understand that she is busy and making new friends, and I hope she comes home with great stories. 

Today, I had some good news for her. She got into the school we were hoping she would. (We had to open enroll her from out of district, so nothing was guaranteed.) I texted her to let her know and got an immediate excited text back. Then, she called me tonight to tell me about her day. After having a bit of a bad day today, I was so happy to hear her voice no matter the reason she called. 

As I have said many times, I love my kids more than anything in the world. Being separated from Eric is so hard, but I am proud of the man he has become. When the other kids leave for even a short time, I can feel their absence. I love when they call or text me just to say they miss me. 

Barbie x2

I went to see the Barbie Movie yesterday with Noel and today with one of my best friends and a few other ladies. For the most part, I loved the movie. (If you have known me long enough, that shouldn’t be a surprise.) the only part I didn’t like was the end. Other than that, the music is great, the story line was fun, and there were a lot of funny parts. Of course it doesn’t hurt to have Ryan Gosling shirtless for most of the movie. 

I went both things in the same outfit. The first time, Noel dressed up, too. 

Tonight, we all wore something pink which of course meant I wore the same outfit. 

If I were to be invited to this movie again, I would go without a problem. As soon as it is on streaming services or a cable channel, I will watch it again. This may be my new favorite movie. 

Thrifting

 

Every once in awhile, Noel and I like to go to the thrift store. We usually go with a specific purpose and come home with a few more things. Today, she wanted to look for a Disney inspired outfit for a dance she is going to tomorrow. 

We went in with the intention of buying a shirt and a pair of shorts or pants. One of the outfits she was thinking of, the one I liked the best, also would need a sash. We ended up also buying 4th of July shirts, another t shirt for her, a gag gift for Chad, a coin purse for my niece, and a rolling chair that she fell in love with for some reason. 

I love that I can buy that much stuff for less than $50, but I also just love going into a thrift store with my daughter and just playing around with her. We point out the ugliest things in each other’s size and tease them about wearing it and laugh about the gaudy shoes on the tables of dress shoes. Today, the chair she greatly desired brought us the most joy. After we paid for everything, she held our bag as I rolled her out of the store. The best part about it is that we can be as strange as we want because it doesn’t phase anyone. They have seen worse. 

Bad Week

Other than a few things like the concert and my weekly walk with my friend, this has been a tough week. First of all, Noel was sick for about 3 days with Tuesday being the worst. I was able to take care of her most of the day, but I also had to work and didn’t change my concert plans because I knew the main this she needed was sleep. Her fever spiked Wednesday night, so I took her to the doctor Thursday morning. They did COVID, flu, and strep tests which all came back negative. We were told it was probably “some kind of virus.” She was feeling better, for the most part, that afternoon. Wednesday, I had food poisoning and spent a good part of the day in bed. I hate taking sick time from work, and I hate being sick even more. Thursday ended up being crazy busy because I had my regular Thursday plans (my walk and a class Zoom) plus I had to make up the time I missed when I took Noel to the doctor. Yesterday, Noel had a friend over with the promise they would leave by 3:00 so we could go do laundry. They left a few minutes late which threw me off a bit. Then, I forgot my coin bag at home and didn’t realize it until we got there. I drove to the bank, but I didn’t have my debit card and, apparently, ATMs don’t take mobile pay though the tap to pay function. We were on a tight schedule, so we had to just go back home. Now, I have to go today which makes my day of homework more difficult. Honestly, I can’t wait until this week is over. 

Some Things Never Change

 

When she was little, she loved playing in the dirt and would help me in the garden on a regular basis. Today, I told her I got the things we need to grow flowers, and she started playing in the dirt and planning what would be planted in the front of the house. The good news is that I may mot have to take care of the garden this year. I may not even have to plant it. 

When She Eats

I have a hard time getting my daughter to eat sometimes. She has been dealing with stomach issues for a while that one doctor thought could be anxiety and others we have seen have no answers for us. I know she eats enough to sustain her, and she has been eating a lot better since she started online school. 

At the start of the week, he stomach seemed to be upset continually. She wasn't eating much and told me that when she did it was just to make me happy. Then, she all of a sudden had an appetite yesterday. I went to the grocery store to get all of the things on her list while she watched my work computer for a little while. When I got home, she make one of the biggest breakfasts I have ever seen her eat. It was actually more than she has eaten the entire day some days. Today, she made a similar breakfast. I am so proud of her for following her hunger queues. I can't say that I want her to eat like this on a regular basis, but for now it is a win.