That Episode

I think we all have one episode of a show that is seared in our brains. It doesn't have to be a favorite show that we watch all of the time like I do with Friends. It can be the episode of a show that we have only seen a few times. For me, it is season 5 episode 3 of Glee: The Quarterback. It is one of the saddest episodes of any show I have ever seen, but it is also one of the most relatable. 

This episode was necessary because Cory Montieth, one of the stars of the show, had passed away, and they needed to say goodbye on the show. This is my third time watching this show, and the intro to this specific episode gets me every time. It starts off with Seasons of Love followed by a monologue by Kurt (the stepbrother). 

"People keep asking me, 'how are you feeling? What are you feeling?' I have no answers. Honestly, what can you say about a 19 year-old who dies? Everyone wants to talk about how he died, too, but who cares? One moment in this whole life. I care about how he lived...he was my brother."

I have never related to a line in anything as much as I do this line. Anthony was 19 when he died. He was, and will always be, my brother. He was my protector and friend. My favorite memory of him was from the last Christmas we celebrated together. He and I decided to try to stay awake all night until our dad and sister woke up in the morning. We watched old cartoons on VHS until I fell asleep on the living room floor. I still have no idea if he fell asleep or not. I will never know, but I will always have the memory of staying up watching cheesy cartoons, laughing and joking. I miss having a relationship like that with someone. I have never had it since. 

There are several shows that have characters who die. When the actor actually passed away, I can feel the emotion in these goodbye episodes. The shows that come to mind are: 8 Simple Rules, Riverdale, News Radio, and... Glee.  Of all of those, Glee is the one that plays over and over in my head. Will I ever be able to get through something like this without thinking of what and who I lost? Probably not, and I'm ok with that. Grief is proof that he was here and was important to someone. 

 

 

 

Easter 2025

This morning, I woke up with this hymn on my mind. This is the hymn that my dear friend sang with me at my mom's and brother's funeral. That sweet friend had never heard it before but willingly learned it for me (a service I could never repay). I told my husband that I was sad we so rarely sang it in church anymore. Then, one of the speakers incorporated into her talk. After that, as if he knew how badly I needed it, the bishop made an impromptu change in the program and had the congregation stand and sing this very special hymn. I stood listening to everyone sing as I cried in Chad's arms. I am so thankful to know that because of Christ, I will be with my family again. He lives! He made the ultimate sacrifice for us! He comforts me when I need Him the most! 

My Easter celebration was more difficult this year than I expected. I think my cousin's death has hit me harder than I thought it would and continually throws me in the a spiral of grief over my mom and brother. Somehow, today I felt it so strong. The only thing that pulled me out of it was celebrating Easter with my kids. I love my kids, and I am so grateful that they still let me spoil them in this way. 

Mourning Still

A few months after my mom and brother died, my boyfriend at the time asked when I was going to get over it. I'm sure he just didn't understand, but it was harsh. We broke up a few months later. (Yep. I was a doormat for even before I met my ex husband.) I think I finally have an answer to that boy's question, though. Never. At least, not in this lifetime. 

I am sitting here 28 1/2 years after Anthony and Mom were taken suddenly crying over what we did have and wishing they were here. The last few weeks have been hard, and the last 3 days have been absolutely heartbreaking. 

I didn't get to experience an adult relationship with my mom. She died about a month after I turned 18. I was still in high school. I was at a baby shower a few weeks ago, and a question for a game was ask about what new parents ask experienced parents. The answers shocked some people, and someone made the comment that everyone just gets that kind of help or advice from their mom when the baby is born. I got help and advice from my mother-in-law at the time. I will forever be grateful that she took the time to help me with things in the beginning, but it is hard to ignore my mom wasn't able to be there. The other day a well meaning person said they understood how hard it was to lose a mother, and for them the hardest part was not being able to call her whenever they wanted. I never had that. Even after my mom moved out, we didn't have that. I was able to drive to visit her when I wanted, but I don't think it ever occurred to me to just call her. 

I'm glad most women have the kind of relationship that there are certain things they can just expect from their moms. I'm not mad about that. I hope my kids and I have that as they grow older and progress in life. However, I am also sad I never got to experience an adult relationship with my mother. I miss her terribly, and I understand that a big part of that is mourning for the things we never got to experience together because she was gone so young.

Mom’s Birthday

 

My mom’s birthday is one of those days that are hard. I miss her. I wish she were here I miss her laugh and her smile. I miss her hugs the most. When she would hugged me, it was like being enveloped in love. Her arms would pull me in like I was the only person she ever wanted to hug. I’ve never been hugged by anyone else like she did. I know she is doing great things in the next life. It is selfish for me to want er here. Someday, I will leave this life and be greeted with her embrace. 

I love you, Mom. Happy birthday in heaven.