It Feels Weird

My youngest child will be turning 20 in a few days. This means a few things. First, I will no longer have any teenagers. They are really all adults now. Also, she will be the age I was when I married my first husband. )Why did no one say I was too young? Oh. That's right. They didn't care as long as they didn't have to pay for it.) Then, there is the reality most people wouldn't even think of: my youngest child will officially be older than my older brother. I'm not doing great with this thought. I was relieved when the boys made it past 19. This is different somehow. 

That Episode

I think we all have one episode of a show that is seared in our brains. It doesn't have to be a favorite show that we watch all of the time like I do with Friends. It can be the episode of a show that we have only seen a few times. For me, it is season 5 episode 3 of Glee: The Quarterback. It is one of the saddest episodes of any show I have ever seen, but it is also one of the most relatable. 

This episode was necessary because Cory Montieth, one of the stars of the show, had passed away, and they needed to say goodbye on the show. This is my third time watching this show, and the intro to this specific episode gets me every time. It starts off with Seasons of Love followed by a monologue by Kurt (the stepbrother). 

"People keep asking me, 'how are you feeling? What are you feeling?' I have no answers. Honestly, what can you say about a 19 year-old who dies? Everyone wants to talk about how he died, too, but who cares? One moment in this whole life. I care about how he lived...he was my brother."

I have never related to a line in anything as much as I do this line. Anthony was 19 when he died. He was, and will always be, my brother. He was my protector and friend. My favorite memory of him was from the last Christmas we celebrated together. He and I decided to try to stay awake all night until our dad and sister woke up in the morning. We watched old cartoons on VHS until I fell asleep on the living room floor. I still have no idea if he fell asleep or not. I will never know, but I will always have the memory of staying up watching cheesy cartoons, laughing and joking. I miss having a relationship like that with someone. I have never had it since. 

There are several shows that have characters who die. When the actor actually passed away, I can feel the emotion in these goodbye episodes. The shows that come to mind are: 8 Simple Rules, Riverdale, News Radio, and... Glee.  Of all of those, Glee is the one that plays over and over in my head. Will I ever be able to get through something like this without thinking of what and who I lost? Probably not, and I'm ok with that. Grief is proof that he was here and was important to someone. 

 

 

 

Anthony's 48th Birthday

 

Anthony would be 48 today. That is odd to say knowing he has had 29 birthdays since he passed away at 19. He didn't get to live the life we dreamed of together. There was no wife. There was no son named Marc Anthony. We never bought a small newspaper together. The kids in this picture who still have all of their baby teeth didn't know what the future would bring. They just knew they were forever siblings. Thankfully, we will always be siblings and will be together in the afterlife. We are a forever family. 

Happy birthday, Anthony! I hope you are celebrating with Mom. 

Kara’s Pictures

About a week ago, my cousin, Kara, sent me some pictures from our childhood. The picture I love the most is my brother holding her little sister in his shoulders. Seeing the smile on his face warms my heart. I don’t remember him being this happy very often. 

Another one that I love is my mom and dad during a family Christmas celebration. I remember my mom wearing that shirt a lot, and I think my dad still had the flannel many years later. Once again, it is the smile that gets me. My mom had one of those smiles that would just make everyone happier. 

Then, there is a family picture of my dad, his siblings, and their parents. I’m not sure when the picture was taken, but I’m guessing my dad was in his 20s. 

The final picture I want to share is of my grandparents and my great grandmother (Grandpa’s mom) opening Christmas presents. My best guess is that it was from the same year as the one of my parents. I love and miss all three of them. 

I love that my dad’s family shares pictures like these with everyone! It helps me feel a greater connection to my family. 

Anthony’s 47th Birthday

My brother, who passed away at 19, would be 47 today. How weird is that? I would like to believe he would have grown up to be as wonderful as I always knew he was when we were kids. I like to believe that he would have fought his demons given the chance. I like to believe our kids would have grown up together, and he would have been the fun, protective, caring uncle my kids would have loved deeply. Maybe he wasn’t meant to become that person. Maybe he was meant to teach me how wonderful a big brother could be. I’m glad I had him as my friend, protector, and brother. Happy birthday in heaven, Anthony!

The Day

For many years, August 30 has held the worst memory of my life. In 1996, my mom and brother were killed when my mom’s roommate fell asleep at the wheel. Each year gets easier, but I don’t think I will ever really be “over it.” 

My mom was not perfect, but she loved her kids as much as she could. I like to remember how she took care of me when I was sick, always had her home open to us whenever we wanted to spend the night, and loved puppies and kittens to an insane degree. 

Anthony was the best brother I could have asked for. He was my protector and biggest supporter. He would take me along on adventures every once in a while. He laughed with me and cried with me. 

To my mom and brother: I love you! I know we will be together again someday. I long for your embrace, and miss you more than you know.