Hold On the Light Will Come (Book Review)

 At some point when I was growing up, my mom started listening to Michael McLean's music. I didn't really like it at the time. I think it was because it was my mom's music. When she died, I inherited her cassette tape collection by default. (I was the only one that wanted it for some reason.) I worked my way through each tape as I drove around as a way to connect to her. I ended up gravitating to Michael McClean more than any of the other artists for many reasons. 

Over the next few years, I was given a few more of his tapes that I truly enjoyed, and the person I was married to by this had more that I didn't have. As we switched over towards CDs, we included Michael McClean in the mix. He asked for "The Forgotten Carols" book and CD. His mom helped me find the special anniversary edition that year for Christmas. I loved listening to this CD as well as the others we collectively had for a while. When I was pregnant with Noel, his mom and I went to "Time Out for Women" and had the privilege of listening to Michael McClean speak and highlight this book. She bought it for him at the end of the conference. Lucky for me, one of the books left behind when that dude moved out was Hold On, the Light Will Come. (I wish he would have left "The Forgotten Carrols," as well.)

In October, I bought tickets to a production of "The Forgotten Carrols." (Unfortunately, it was canceled because they didn't sell enough tickets.) A few weeks after buying the tickets, I started reading this book, and I loved each chapter. 

"Hold On, the Light Will Come," is a book about Michael McClean's songs. Each chapter talks about a different song and why he wrote it. This unique format gives a peak into his life at the time he wrote the songs highlighted. After I read each chapter, I searched the songs on Spotify. I was able to listen to most of them giving a richer experience. (I wish the ex would have left the CD with all of the songs.) 

I loved everything about this book! You can judge me for taking so long to read it, but I took my time to enjoy each chapter. 

Memories of Uncle Barney

My Uncle Barney passed away this week. He was one of my favorite uncles growing up. I have so many fond memories of him. He was the fun uncle that we liked to play with. 

My Uncle Barney was in a wheelchair because of on illness from his childhood. Back then, they didn't understand that when someone was bedridden, it was important to try to move their arms and legs to prevent atrophy. The thing is, when we were little, we didn't think about it. He was just the fun uncle that would give us rides in his chair. We could climb up on his lap, and he would wheel us around and pop wheelies. We thought it was the best thing ever. It wasn't until we learned about people with disablities in second grade that I really thought about him being different. 

Uncle Barney was a professor at the University of Alabama. I looked up to him for this reason and always thought of him as the smartest person I knew. Reading is obituary, I learned that he almost didn't become a teacher. After earning his bachelor's and master's degrees, he had wanted to stay at the University of Illinois to be a mentor for the disabled, but his professors encouraged him to do more. He went on to be a CPA before deciding to get his PHD in accounting and becoming a professor. He still advocated for the disabled, though. He even learned woodworking so he could make his own wheelchair ramps when needed. 

I haven't been able to see him much in adulthood other than for funerals because traveling to Alabama just hasn't been in the budget. I regret not making it a greater priority. I will miss Uncle Barney. 

Jill

Yesterday, I found out that the baby I bounced and rocked when I was about 16 or 17 is now a grown woman with a baby and has been in my ward for about a month or two. How did I find out this was the same girl? Her mom, one of my favorite people from that time of my life, was visiting and found me in the chapel. I was go excited that I had to hold back the tears! 

Jill is one of the most influential people from my teenage years. She was one of my youth leaders for a few years and was there for me and my sister when my mom and brother died. I always thought she was so glamorous and cool because she was beautiful, wore high heels (even when pregnant) and was the only mom I knew who worked outside the home. She was also kind, thoughtful, and loved us unconditionally. She never judged me for having parents that were separated then divorced. She let me be when I needed it. I loved her so much that when Eric was little, we brought him to meet her when we took him out for Halloween. Of all of the youth leaders I had growing up, I would say she and Amy were the best. 

Now, her daughter is in my ward, and I get to see Jill more often! I may seem weird to still have heroes like this, but she is one of the people that made me who I am today. I owe a lot to this amazing woman! 

Middle School Closing

 

I went to Moore Middle School for half of 7th grade and all of 8th grade. I have some good memories of doing so. The friends I made those years distracted me from the unsettling home life I was face with at the time. Now, it is closing due to low enrollment, and they are making my old high school a jr/sr high. (How weird is that in such a highly populated area?) in a way, it feels like one more part of my childhood dying. It kinda sucks, but I know things like this happen. Eventually, everything I loved as a kid or teenager will be gone. That’s just a fact of life. 

50 Years of Pomona

 

My high school had a 50th anniversary carnival today, and I brought Sean along for the fun. There were a bunch of booth seeking things, a few food trucks, a car show, and an open house in the school. It was fun looking at the cars while joking with Sean about some of the more unique designs. I loved walking around the school and showing Sean where I went to school. I ran into some of my good friends and enjoyed catching up with them, as well. We also had ice cream, and I bought a yearbook from my senior year since the dog ate it mine a few years ago. 

I was glad I went and was able to share it with one of my kids. There is something special about doing things like this with the people I love. 

She Was Little

 

As I have said to my friends lately, Noel getting ready to graduate is hitting me a bit different than it did with the boys. I know it is because she is my baby, and I’m not sure I’m ready for this chapter to end. I miss her being so little and innocent. I miss the days of walking her to and from school on my days off. I miss her obsession with pink, sparkly shoes. 

I know this kid will do big things with her life. She is a fighter. She will continue to do everything in her power to  make all of her hopes and dreams come true. 

For now, she is still my baby. 

Kara’s Pictures

About a week ago, my cousin, Kara, sent me some pictures from our childhood. The picture I love the most is my brother holding her little sister in his shoulders. Seeing the smile on his face warms my heart. I don’t remember him being this happy very often. 

Another one that I love is my mom and dad during a family Christmas celebration. I remember my mom wearing that shirt a lot, and I think my dad still had the flannel many years later. Once again, it is the smile that gets me. My mom had one of those smiles that would just make everyone happier. 

Then, there is a family picture of my dad, his siblings, and their parents. I’m not sure when the picture was taken, but I’m guessing my dad was in his 20s. 

The final picture I want to share is of my grandparents and my great grandmother (Grandpa’s mom) opening Christmas presents. My best guess is that it was from the same year as the one of my parents. I love and miss all three of them. 

I love that my dad’s family shares pictures like these with everyone! It helps me feel a greater connection to my family. 

My Sean

 There was a time when I could see my mom in Sean. It was a comfort to have this little person remind me of the best parts of her. As he grew older, I was seeing it less and less. I could only see his uncles from his dad’s side, especially when he laughed or smiled. 

Today, I took this picture of him to do a “then and now” thing on Facebook. When I looked at it, I saw someone else. Me. This child of mine who has the smile of his dad’s younger brother, looks like me. Of course, that also means he still looks like my mom. How have I never noticed this?

Things Change

People have been reading my old blog entries for a while. When I see what is being read, I get curious and read some of them as well. Sometimes, they make me cringe. Sometimes, I want to tell my younger self that it gets better. Someone, I just want to shake her and tell her to wake up. There are also times when I am so happy that I recorded the cute things my kids were doing. 

Today, I read the blog entry that brought Chad and I together. It is full of worrying about being good enough. It has a paragraph that clearly describes the gaslighting I endured in my first marriage where I seemed to be more worried about him cheating. (Why would I want to shake my former self again?) I was also worried about my kids and how they were reacting the changes we were going through. 

Another thing that stood out to me was that I didn’t really know who I was as a person. (Could that be because of what I had been put through in the previous 10ish years?) I am happy to say that I now know who I am. I am a daughter of God! I no longer act one way at church, one way at home, and another with my friends. There is not a single person I spend time with that doesn’t know of my love and devotion to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It is amazing how being married to a man that encourages me to be myself can be. I love him for all that he is. 

Do I still struggle in life sometimes? Absolutely! The difference is that I have Chad and I have my faith and I know who I am. I can’t wait to find out what more I can do with this wonderful life!

Christmas/New Year Memories

The pictures above appeared in my Facebook memories today. I remember when they were taken 15 years ago. I had seen a suggestion somewhere to do a time capsule at the beginning of the year (there is a blog post about it from that year). One of the things I included for each person was a picture (the ex was deleted off of my Facebook page years ago).  We each stood in front of the beautiful Christmas tree that we bought not long after Noel’s 3rd birthday. At this point, I knew something was wrong in the marriage and was desperately trying create happy memories. 

I have complicated feelings when I look at these pictures. I love seeing the kids’ little faces. I often miss the simplicity of these ages. At the same time, I remember how it felt to do these things like this alone for the most part. I could feel the resentment as I tried to get the ex to leave the girls he was chatting with online in the bedroom. I would rather remember the happy, innocent, sweet faces of my children. They have been my reason for everything since before they were born. My hope is that in the future, the kids will be the only memory I have when I see these pictures. 

How Great Thou Art

The closing hymn in sacrament meeting this last Sunday was How Great Thou Art, a classic, well known Christian hymn. This brought back memories from my childhood. I remember an advertisement on TV selling Andy Griffith’s gospel album. My mom heard a clip of him singing How Great Thou Art and wanted this set of cassettes. She was struggling with the death of her own mother, and the combination of his voice and this hymn was a comfort to her. I don’t remember if she actually ordered the set, but I do remember her reaction when this commercial would come on. As I sang with the congregation, I felt comfort in this memory. I love these sweet memories of my mom experiencing the sweet, tender mercies of the Lord in her time of grief. 

The Power of Music

I love music. One song can change the whole atmosphere. It can bring emotions to the surface of any kind: happy, sad, love, etc. It can also bring back memories, good and bad. I have felt this way as long as I can remember even though I am not personally musically talented.

Today, at church, a couple played an arrangement of a hymn that my mom sang when I was little. He played the piano, and she played the cello. It was beautiful, and brought back memories of my mom. I could see her face and feel her around me as the words not spoken or sang at the time danced around in my head. I choked back tears as I listened to this beautiful music and let the memories wash over me. The hymn was I Need Thee Every Hour. It is so powerful and beautiful!

I need thee every hour,

Most gracious Lord.

No tender voice like thine

Can peace afford. 

I need the, oh, I need thee;

Every hour I need thee!

Oh, bless me now my Savior;

I come to thee!

I need thee every hour,

Stay thou nearby. 

Temptations lose their power 

When thou art neigh. 

I need the, oh, I need thee;

Every hour I need thee!

Oh, bless me now my Savior;

I come to thee!

I need thee every hour,

In joy or pain.

Come quickly and abide, 

Or life is vain. 

I need the, oh, I need thee;

Every hour I need thee!

Oh, bless me now my Savior;

I come to thee!

I need the every hour, 

Most holy One. 

Oh, make me thine indeed,

Thou blessed Son!

I need the, oh, I need thee;

Every hour I need thee!

Oh, bless me now my Savior;

I come to thee!

Watching “Blossom”

Photo Credit: TV Guide

I started watching Blossom on Hulu yesterday. I loved this show when I was a kid, and felt like watching something nostalgic while I worked. 

This first episode hit a bit close to home for me. In this episode, Blossom gets her first period but doesn’t know who to ask advice from because her mother is pursuing a music career in Europe. When I had mine for the first time, my mom was physically there but not mentally. She was in her bed with the room as dark as possible sleeping in a deep depression. My dad had to help me. When my sister got hers for the first time, my mom didn’t live with us. My sister called her, and she asked me to help instead of coming over. Throughout our teenage years, we had to ask our dad for supplies which got easier as we got older but was never completely comfortable. 

I haven’t gotten to any others that bring up any emotions. I am actually enjoying the simplicity of the show. It brings back fun memories and makes me laugh. I will get though the whole series quickly, but I will enjoy it while it lasts. 

Cousin Reunion Planning

I have been missing South Haven, MI for a while. I have so many good memories of visiting there. The best memories include my cousins. The last two times I near them there were for my grandparents’ funerals. I want to see them again with good memories attached. This desire lead me to one conclusion; I need to organize a Mitchell Cousin Reunion. 

A few weeks ago, I made the first big step to make this happen. I made a Facebook group message to hater interest for a reunion in South Haven next summer for our grandparents’ anniversary. So far, everyone is interested and looking into making room in their schedules for the days I chose. 

Now, I am in planning mode. I am going to check out a couple of venues my dad suggested including the Methodist church that we had a few family functions when we were growing up. If there is a way to rent or reserve it, I am hoping to do a big dinner the night of the anniversary. If not, I will check out a state park by the beach my dad told me about. For the other meals, I am thinking everyone will be in charge of their own breakfast. The other three meals can be assigned to family groups. For example, Aunt Mickey’s kids can work on the first lunch, Uncle Bill’s kids can do the other lunch. and my sister and I can do the last dinner. Other than that, I know we need at least one day at the beach. The other day, I am going to do a bit of research on other activities available in the area. 

I am so excited for this reunion! Hopefully, planning it while finishing my last year of school doesn’t kill me. 

14 Years Ago

Facebook memories can be a double edged sword. There are some memories I would rather forget. I have deleted a lot of them, but there are some that still show up. Then, there are the ones that remind me of the love that encircled me during those tough times. Today, I was reminded of the love. 

In today’s date in 2009, the ex moved out for the first time. To make sure the kids weren’t there when this happened, they stayed the night with my sister. To help me get out of the house, I had a Rock Band night with friends. These wonderful women were there for me when I needed them the most. Some knew whet was going on. Some did not. All helped me keep my mind off of the crap in my life at the time. 

Side note: I was wearing a child’s extra large shirt in this picture and was being told I was fat on a regular basis. If I could get back to this size, it would be a miracle. 

Loving These Trips

The more I come to Utah, the more I feel at home. Not in the “I want to live here” of way. It’s more like I fell like I have a place here. There was a time I didn’t know if I would be welcomed with open arms at my dad’s house. I am so glad that is not the way it is anymore. 

One of my favorite things in this house is the wall with his cross stitch temples. I remember him painstakingly working on them whenever he had down time. At the time, these were all of the temples he had been to. (I know that he has been to more since moving to Utah.) When I think about him creating these works of art, I think about this as a calm in the chaos that was our lives at the time. He set such a wonderful example of how to create calm when it seemed impossible. I think this is one of the reasons I gravitate towards knitting and crochet (mostly knitting) when I need to find a sense of calm. 

Caught in the Storm

 Yesterday, Noel and I drove up to Cheyanne, WY for a graduation party for her friend. We left in poring rain  in the late afternoon. By the time we made it to the next exit, it was hailing. As we made our way to our exit, the hail was getting harder and bigger. I sat on the off ramp worried that our windshield would break. I told Noel we would stop under the overpass until the hail passes, and she agreed it was a good idea. Then, it calmed down just enough as we got to that point, so we just went on our way. It was still raining hard, so I drove a bit more cautious than normal as our little car was bullied around by wind and the backwash of other vehicles. We drove through Greely and Eaton before the rain started to subside. It took even longer before we stopped having to drive through large puddles. We made it to our destination safely and had no issues as we drove home. 

I am thankful that we were kept safe. As I was driving, I was reminded of a time driving home from visiting either my mom or brother in the hospital when the weather was just as bad and I was scared. I said a prayer in the backseat of that car that we would get home safely and it started to clear. This time said a silent prayer as I drove and it got better as well. Prayers are answered. It doesn't matter if we think the prayer will be important. Our Heavenly Father is waiting for those prayers and willing to provide us with the answers we need.