Continuing to Receive Answers

Life has been hard lately. To say I have felt knocked down is an understatement. Over the past month, I have found myself turning to my Heavenly Father more than ever. Each time, He answers in the ways that I need. It isn't always big, but it doesn't have to be for me to know that He is there, answering my prayers, and caring about my mental wellbeing as well as my spiritual wellbeing. 

This week, I have been in tears several times not knowing how to deal with the pressures and rejections I have been facing. On Tuesday, I went for my regular shift at the temple where I was reminded that it was the right place to be over and over. I could feel the love of Christ as I performed my duties and served the patrons the way the Lord would have me do. On Wednesday, Chad and I took our regular walk. As he always does, he listened to me as I rambled on about my day. When we got close to the end, I told him how I was feeling about the rejection I had recently faced and the stress I was feeling about all of the medical issues in our household right now. When we got back to the house, he sat with me on the sidewalk in front of the house and just let me cry and let my feelings out. I told him I felt like life has been crapping on me since I was 10 (when the grandma that lived with us was diagnosed with cancer and died). He just listened and let me air it all out. I needed that more than anything at that time. Then, my child with no voice asked me to take them to their next specialist appointment. I thought this was going to be a difficult endeavor because I would have to work with both of my bosses to make this happen. I said a prayer and texted them both. I had to ask one to be able to work and hour earlier that day, and I had to let the other know that I would not be able to work the last day of Magic Club for the semester. Both were understanding when I explained what was going on. That was a small answer to my prayers that I needed but wasn't sure would work out. I know most people would look at these things as coincidence or people just being caring, but I choose to see them as God showing me the compassion that I really need right now. 

This morning, I was once again in tears after the second call in about a week in which my parents made sure that I know they will not be helping me in any way and that things are harder for them. (My stepmother has significant health issues, and my dad works very hard at his job.) I understand that my struggles are not as bad as other people, but it would have been nice to be shown some compassion while I'm in the trenches this one time. I prayed this morning, as I usually do, for my child to be healed and to feel God's love once again. Then, I read my scriptures, did my daily affirmations, and got in the shower where I was hit with a stronger wave of depression. I did all I could do at this point. I closed my eyes, looked up to the sky, and just prayed for this feeling to be taken from me. As I got out of the shower, I had a feeling I should listed to a talk from General Conference. I opened the app on my phone and pulled up the next talk in my queue. It was All Who Have Endured Valiantly by David A. Bednar. Just reading the title of the talk helped me know the Lord was listening to my prayers. As I listened to the talk, I was reminded that I am here to grow spiritually. I have been given spiritual gifts to help me and others through this life. I need to look for ways to show charity to others and help them make it through this life as well. I have been shown compassion throughout the last few weeks by people outside of my family such as both of my bosses, the temple workers on my shift whether they know what is happening or not, my husband, and my children. It is my turn to show compassion and serve. Elder Bednar said, "As we follow, love, and serve the Savior, we gradually focus less on our own desires and interests and more on understanding and addressing the needs of others...Charity, then, ultimately possesses us." This is my answer today. I need to stop turning inward and worrying about myself. I need to turn outward and look to help those around me. 

Searching for Peace

There is no way to ignore what is going on in this country.  People are hurting and angry and want someone to blame. In doing so, they blame people who are non the opposite end of the political spectrum. They do this with so much hate that they don't seem to care who they trample in their path to prove their point. In reality, all this does is create more anger and more hate on both sides. Sometimes, I wish they would sit down together and actually listen without cameras or the goal of proving their own point. I think they would see what the rest of us see if they did this. They are two sides of the same coin. 

This morning I woke up and opened Facebook before starting my day. (This always seems to cause more harm than good.) The first thing I see is someone's "fill Facebook with..." post which of course spewed hate in one direction. As I scrolled down, I see something just as bad spewed in the opposite direction. Both memes hurt my heart. I know there is nothing I could do or say they would change their minds. 

Then, I went to do my Miracle Morning as I should have done before opening anything on my phone. For the meditation part of it I prayed as I always do. This time I prayed for the comfort I needed from the hurt I have been feeling that has been growing over the past however many months or years. Then, I sat I silence and opened my scriptures to 2 Nephi 32. This short chapter gave me direction starting in verse 3. "...feast upon the words of Christ; behold the words of Christ will tell you all things what you should do." This tells me I need to change my focus away from the world and towards Jesus Christ, my rock and redeemer. Then in verse 9, we are told, "But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint..." This tells me that I need to pray more often. I am so thankful that this chapter happened to be the next chapter I was going to read!

As I took my short, morning walk, I thought about this chapter and considered what I need to change to draw closer to the Lord so I can feel His peace. I will be off of Facebook for at least a week, maybe longer. I will not be on TikTok longer than needed to continue my streak with my daughter. (I know it is silly to make that streak important, but it's just something to share with her.) I will watch conference talks in the morning. When Chad get home from work tonight, I will ask for a blessing to calm my mind. I hope that by doing these things, I will be able to heal my mind, body, and spirit. It at least won't make it worse. 

Church this Week

 I absolutely loved church services this week. It started with Relief Society. We discussed the talk Draw Near unto Me by President Henry B. Eyring. I love this talk. In it, he talks about how we can draw closer to Christ. It goes along with Doctrine and Covenants 88:63:

"Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you: seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you."

I love this verse! Even when I struggled with my testimony, I believed in the power of prayer. Whenever I struggle spiritually, mentally, physically, etc., I know I can turn to prayer. I know that my Heavenly Father is always there for me and listens to my prayer. I have gone through enough difficulties in my life that I know He will not always pull us out of them immediately. We have to trust His timing. I can't say my life is perfect, but I can it is better than it was in the past.

Another way that I draw closer to my Savior is reading my scriptures. I have struggled with this in the past. At a particularly hard time in my life,  I sat in my stake president's office and told him that I struggled with my testimony because I didn't understand why I had to go through another trial. I felt like I had a harder life than anyone else around me. (I have learned since that was not always true.) He asked me what spiritual habits I had. I told him I personally was fasting with a purpose on Fast Sundays, praying and journaling about it daily, and reading the Doctrine and Covenants daily (the scriptures we were studying in Sunday School that year). I explained that I didn't understand how the Doctrine and Covenants applied to me and thought trying to study it was making things worse for my testimony. His simple response was to tell me to stop reading it. He didn't judge me for my struggle, he plainly gave me practical advise that would help. Since then, I have grown to love the scriptures, all of them. We are studying the Doctrine and Covenants again this year in Sunday School. I read through it by the middle of the year for the first time, and I could feel the Spirit as I did so. As I have progressed in the gospel, I have learned to love my time spent studying the word of God. 

I have also learned to love my service in the temple. I liked the temple when I was younger, but when I stopped going, I was more worried what other people would think of me not going than what I was missing out on because I didn't really understand what I was doing. I memorized what I needed to as an ordinance worker, but I didn't know why it was important. I am at a different place spiritually. I love the changes that have been made that make the ordinances more clear. I love going with my husband. He has become such a spiritual person and makes me want to continue to grow. The more we go to the temple together, the more I want to be there. One of the best decisions we made on our recent trip was to go to a temple at each stop. I hope to be able to do that on more trips. 

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am thankful that He made a way for us to return to Him and our Father in Heaven. The way to learn of Him and return to Him is simple and hard at the same time. When we are willing to take the time and put forth the effort to learn of Him and draw nearer to Him, we receive blessings. I am thankful that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me so much that He sent His son as a sacrifice for my sins. It was pointed out in Sacrament Meeting that Christ was part mortal, so he truely felt the pains and sorrows of mortality. When we reach out to Him in prayer, we can know that we are not alone. We can be lifted up by Him and through Him. I love my Savior!

Exhausting Day

After an already long day, my cousin called today with a health update. She has been having heart problems for a while and was waiting to find out just how bad it is. Today, she called me with an update. She not only has a valve leaking, she has blockages and is going to have to have open heart surgery very soon. This means that she can't go to our cousin meet up in Michigan this summer because she will need to take the time to recover. 

I am both sad and scared. I'm sad that she won't be able to meet up with us at the beach. I love this cousin. She and I were glued together every time we visited our grandparents. Having a cousin reunion without this one cousin seems a bit wrong. I'm scared because I don't want her to die. I know I don't see her very often, but I still love her a lot. I'm also a bit mad because it just doesn't feel fair for someone who does so much good in the world to be facing this. 

She has been calling family members to ask for prayers, and I am more than happy to do this for her. I explained to the what the temple prayer roll is asked her if it was ok for me to place her name on it. She excitedly told me she could appreciate that. I think I will also fast for her this Sunday. This is all I can do from halfway across the country. I just hope it works. 

After We Do All We Can Do

For many years, I have heard people at church say that the Lord will help us after we do all we can do. I understand that He loves effort, but I don’t think it means we can’t go to Him while we are still searching for answers. 

I know my Heavenly Father wants to help me along in this life. He wants me to reach out to Him throughout the trial. That doesn’t mean we will be given the answer to a problem right away, but it does mean He will comfort me when I need it, clear my mind when it is jumbled, give me peace in tribulations, and so much more. Prayer is one of the tools we have been given to help us through this life. Sometimes prayer is “all we can do.” I refuse to believe that a loving God doesn’t understand that. Sometimes, the mental clarity or comfort is what we need to find a solution. This is also ok. 

I think it is dangerous to tell people they have to do everything they can on their own before they ask for divine intervention. It can feel lonely, confusing, and difficult to get through the hardest parts of life without reaching out to our Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ. Nephi didn’t build a boat poorly before asking for help. He asked for help and acted upon the inspiration he received. Moses called upon the Lord for help when the people were hungry and thirsty, and he wasn’t turned away. What makes us think we are better than the prophets of the scriptures? 

I know the Lord ways to help me and is willing to guide me. I may be called to action, and I hope to be able to answer that call. However, I could be given other aides that I need at the time. 

Prayers Answered

We often think that the answers to our prayers need to be some kind of big thing or something obvious. In my experience, this is rarely the case. This last weekend, I was in a position in which I felt the need to live on a prayer for a little over 24 hours. 

Friday night, Noel and her friend drove to Utah for him to get a new dirt bike. Their plan was to leave Friday night and get back Saturday. I was already nervous because of how my mom and brother died. She assured me that they would stop somewhere to sleep if they got tired. Then, the news talked about how bad the snow was already getting in the mountains. She reminded me he would be driving a truck and would be very careful. 

After she left, I prayed they would be safe on this trip. Each time I woke up, I checked her location. By 4am, I could tell they were stopped at a gas station (she told me later they stopped there to sleep). Throughout the day, I continued to check on her to make sure they were moving. Eventually, I texted he and asked if she wanted my stepsister’s or my parents’ number in case they were stuck in Utah. She asked for my stepmom’s number. I sent hers and my dad’s contact information. I continued to pray for their safety and called my dad.

Eventually, Noel was in Orem (not far from my dad). She said she wanted to stop and see her grandparents, so I called my dad and hoped she and her friend would stay the night and wait out the storm. My dad agreed to try to keep them safe, but Noel and her friend just wanted to get home, so they went long enough for her to visit and give hugs before leaving. Then, they headed home. 

Once again, I was worried about my sweet girl and said another prayer for her safety. They took their time coming home to make sure they were safe. She texted me periodically to update me on their ETA. I checked her location a few times to calm my nerves, and I stayed awake until she was safely home. 

When I woke in the morning, I noticed that there were a few closures on the highway after they had made their way through. They were definitely watched over during this trip. If they had stayed much longer with my dad or taken more time when they stopped to eat, they could have either been stuck in an unfamiliar place or been in one of those accidents that closed the highway. 

I am glad she was able to do something outside of her normal routine. She came home exhausted but happy. I am glad that I was able to stay calmer than I thought I would be thanks to the power of prayer. Most of all, I am thankful that she came home safely showing me that the trauma from my mom and brother’s death did not need to rule my life. 

Caught in the Storm

 Yesterday, Noel and I drove up to Cheyanne, WY for a graduation party for her friend. We left in poring rain  in the late afternoon. By the time we made it to the next exit, it was hailing. As we made our way to our exit, the hail was getting harder and bigger. I sat on the off ramp worried that our windshield would break. I told Noel we would stop under the overpass until the hail passes, and she agreed it was a good idea. Then, it calmed down just enough as we got to that point, so we just went on our way. It was still raining hard, so I drove a bit more cautious than normal as our little car was bullied around by wind and the backwash of other vehicles. We drove through Greely and Eaton before the rain started to subside. It took even longer before we stopped having to drive through large puddles. We made it to our destination safely and had no issues as we drove home. 

I am thankful that we were kept safe. As I was driving, I was reminded of a time driving home from visiting either my mom or brother in the hospital when the weather was just as bad and I was scared. I said a prayer in the backseat of that car that we would get home safely and it started to clear. This time said a silent prayer as I drove and it got better as well. Prayers are answered. It doesn't matter if we think the prayer will be important. Our Heavenly Father is waiting for those prayers and willing to provide us with the answers we need.