My Sweet Sean

Since I was pregnant with Sean, his father has made it obvious that he was not as interested in this child. He even accused me of having an affair saying the baby was not his. (Looking back, I think he was cheating and would have felt better I was as well.) This attitude continued after he was born. 

Sean's dad seemed to be excited for him to be born and went to all of the doctor appointments leading up to his birth. However, within a few hours of Sean's birth, he left the hospital to get Eric and go home. This left Sean and I alone in the hospital for the night. The next day, he brought Eric to the hospital, and I took care of both boys for a while. 

Once we were all home, I thought we were as happy as we could be with a toddler and a newborn. As I struggled to take care of the boys, he would put on a video in the mornings as Eric and I cuddled on the floor and Sean slept in the swing next to me so I could get some sleep. When Sean had RSV, the dad would take care of Eric at night if needed as I slept in a chair with my sick baby. He even worked two jobs for about the first 6 months of Sean's life to try to pay off some debt. 

During the first year or two of Sean's life, it was rare for me to be seen without him. If I tried to go out without the boys, Sean would scream the whole time I was gone. When I would get home, I would walk in to my husband at the time looking disheveled, and Sean sweating and red faced from crying for an hour or two. I would feel so bad knowing all my precious boy wanted was me, so I rarely left him behind. This never happened when he was left with grandparents.

Now, let's fast forward to the past year. I was told last summer that the kids' step-mother and step-sister were counting down the days until Sean turned 18. They had figured that Sean would stop going to their house on the weekends as Eric did not long after his 18th birthday. Instead, Sean kept going and was tagged as the reason for strife in their house. In reality, he was not going to make them miserable. He was going to try to spend time with his father. 

In January, Sean erupted in anger towards his step-brother and the friends of the step-brother that were there for a birthday party. At this point, Sean was told he did not have to return to their house. To me, Sean was kicked out. To Sean, he was finally given to choice to not have to be there. 

After this, the kids' father would only communicate with Noel about Tuesday nights (a time he has spent with the kids since the divorce). He often cancels, and if Noel forgets to tell him, Sean puts his shoes on when it is time to be picked up and paces the living room until he finally gives up and asks Noel what is going on. It is heartbreaking to watch. Even when Noel does remember to tell Sean, he is sad and frustrated that his dad does not care enough to tell him that he is canceling himself. 

Tonight, we got in a conversation about relatives with mental illness at dinner. We talked about my mom and his dad. We talked about the issues their mental illness has caused us. I mentioned how my mom leaving and not telling us where she was for a while affected me (essentially causing abandonment issues). He said he felt the same issues because he has never felt his dad actually cared about him. This broke my heart. I have been trying for all of these years to make up for what his was not getting from his dad thinking that my efforts would be enough. Apparently, I was wrong. Even with my husband and I doing everything would could to assure Sean knows he is loved, he still feels the lack of it from his father. 

I really wish there was something I could do to counteract the rejection my child has experienced since before he was born, but there isn't. Not even the love from another father figure makes up for what his biological father lacks. My mommy heart is breaking for my sweet Sean tonight.