When I put on my clothes this morning, I realized my belt is in the last notch. That means I will be taking a trip to the thrift store soon for another belt. I probably won’t buy smaller pants until my weight goes down more. Of course, I will most likely be looking for something to wear in the summer by then.
I love look at the pictures she has developed from our grandpa’s negatives. There is so much history in them. I also love seeing my grandparents young and in love.
Friday after I got home from my doctor appointment, I texted her to see if everything was still going to work out. She was not available anymore that night because of work stuff, and the people who were going to help move the couches had their daughter surprise them for the weekend, so they weren’t available either. She told me the backup people, and I texted the one I knew best of the two. He quickly brought his son to the church and had the couches loaded in his truck before the kids and I could meet them to help, so we just met them back at my house. He, his son, and Sean were able to bring them in quickly.
Now, all we need to do is figure out how to get rid of the old couch and a recliner. They are not in the kid of condition that I would give them to anyone else. Most likely, we will end up getting a dumpster and clean out the garage a bit at the same time.
Through this process, I learned a bit about myself. I do not feel I deserve nice things. (I know these are not real nice, but they are nicer than any couch I have had for most of my adult life.) I need to get past this. It was ok that we bought the Kia in 2016. It was a nice car at the time that was only a few years only with kind of high miles since to used to be a rental car. It was paid for out of Chad’s paycheck as is the Jeep we got in August. I shouldn’t have let anyone make me feel guilty for buying a reliable car especially since it was the only car we had as a family. I should allow myself to buy new clothes that aren’t on the clearance rack. I love getting deals at thrift stores, but brand new jeans could be nice. One of these days, maybe I’ll even have as many bras that fit properly as my daughter. I am allowed to have glasses that have the proper prescription. I don’t need to always be last priority as I was told I was growing up and in my last marriage. I work hard for my income. Why do I let the ghosts of relationships past dictate my life?
These couches may be ugly, but they are mine. Right now, they will serve as a reminder that I am worth something. My friends can see it. I would see it, too.
Today, I took this picture of him to do a “then and now” thing on Facebook. When I looked at it, I saw someone else. Me. This child of mine who has the smile of his dad’s younger brother, looks like me. Of course, that also means he still looks like my mom. How have I never noticed this?
Today, I made a heart shaped pizza for dinner. Our tradition was getting it from Papa Murphy, but after the Halloween pizza fiasco, I had no desire to go through that again. It is a bit fun to make pizza crust from scratch and shape it, too. I don’t know how many Valentine’s Days I have left with these two in the home, and I want to soak up these traditions while I can. I already have to miss Eric.
We often think that the answers to our prayers need to be some kind of big thing or something obvious. In my experience, this is rarely the case. This last weekend, I was in a position in which I felt the need to live on a prayer for a little over 24 hours.
Friday night, Noel and her friend drove to Utah for him to get a new dirt bike. Their plan was to leave Friday night and get back Saturday. I was already nervous because of how my mom and brother died. She assured me that they would stop somewhere to sleep if they got tired. Then, the news talked about how bad the snow was already getting in the mountains. She reminded me he would be driving a truck and would be very careful.
After she left, I prayed they would be safe on this trip. Each time I woke up, I checked her location. By 4am, I could tell they were stopped at a gas station (she told me later they stopped there to sleep). Throughout the day, I continued to check on her to make sure they were moving. Eventually, I texted he and asked if she wanted my stepsister’s or my parents’ number in case they were stuck in Utah. She asked for my stepmom’s number. I sent hers and my dad’s contact information. I continued to pray for their safety and called my dad.
Eventually, Noel was in Orem (not far from my dad). She said she wanted to stop and see her grandparents, so I called my dad and hoped she and her friend would stay the night and wait out the storm. My dad agreed to try to keep them safe, but Noel and her friend just wanted to get home, so they went long enough for her to visit and give hugs before leaving. Then, they headed home.
Once again, I was worried about my sweet girl and said another prayer for her safety. They took their time coming home to make sure they were safe. She texted me periodically to update me on their ETA. I checked her location a few times to calm my nerves, and I stayed awake until she was safely home.
When I woke in the morning, I noticed that there were a few closures on the highway after they had made their way through. They were definitely watched over during this trip. If they had stayed much longer with my dad or taken more time when they stopped to eat, they could have either been stuck in an unfamiliar place or been in one of those accidents that closed the highway.
I am glad she was able to do something outside of her normal routine. She came home exhausted but happy. I am glad that I was able to stay calmer than I thought I would be thanks to the power of prayer. Most of all, I am thankful that she came home safely showing me that the trauma from my mom and brother’s death did not need to rule my life.
