Wish Me Luck

I looked for a workout challenge that I though I could do and would take me closer to my goals. I found a one month Glow Up Challenge on Pintrest that I though would work. I modified it a bit because I copied it wrong, but I am sure it will still have its intended effect. I will have to use Chad's TRX straps to give me support for the lunges because I don't seem to be able to do them without knee pain, but I am pretty sure I can do this challenge. I will do it along with my running goals. It will defiantly be a challenge especially in the first week, but I am ready to be more active again. When it is done, I will find another one for November. 

Getting Closer

Even though it is still very warm outside most days, I can feel Christmas coming, and I’m so excited! Last year, I had a different Christmas sweater or shirt every day from December 1 through Christmas and took daily pictures. This year, I will replace the sweaters that didn’t fit or weren’t comfortable and do the same things. Also, last year we got a fresh tree for Christmas, and I want to do that again. There is just something about that smell and the feeling of putting it up compared to an artificial one. 

What will I do differently? I’m going to decorate more. Last year I did a few things inside I hadn’t before, and this year I want to work on the outside of the house. I think we should be able to afford it, and Noel has already told me she wants to help. It won’t be extravagant, but it will be more than we have done in past years. 

I am so excited for Christmas and Thanksgiving this year. It is going to be hard waiting. 

All of the Reading

My classes are getting to be more intense. This week, I had to read a 15 page article for one class and a 31 page chapter along with two articles for the other class before working on the assignments. My brain is spinning. I know that I need learn from these classes, so I will keep going. I also know that the classes will continue to get more intense. I am at a point where I am counting down the semesters until I am done. 

If someone had asked me 15 to 20 years ago if I would ever be this close to a bachelors degree, I would have said, "No." I was convinced that I was stupid and other people were far more intelligent than I. I now know that people who talk down to others in this manner only do so because they have to put other people down to lift themselves up. I will not let anyone treat me this way again. I know I am smart. I don't have to prove it to anyone. Instead, I will keep working on my degree and become the person I choose to be: an intelligent woman who helps others in their time of need. Before I can do that, I will continue to read as many pages as necessary. 

Getting Better

As I listen to past General Conference talks, some of them speak to me more than others. Last week, I listened to Elder Michael A. Dunn's talk, One Percent Better in which he talks about continually making small changes to help us better. As I listened, I realized that I need to stop beating myself up over things that I feel are hard to change. I am working on being a better person, and that is all I am asked to do. By making goals and keeping them, I will accomplish all that I desire. 

I have some goals that I easily meet and some that are a bit harder. I have been known to make goals that are hard to accomplish, and I have made goals that are very easy that I don't do because I am stubborn. There are some that I work hard on and accomplish. I feel like I need to do a better job at making goals that I can actually meet and stop being stubborn. I am really only hurting myself when I rebel against my own goal. 

I am going to keep going with my bullet journal. It helps me break things down a bit more, and I am having fun with it. Hopefully, it will continue to help me become the person I want to be. 

It's a New Week

I am ready for a new week! I missed an assignment last week because I had overlooked it when I was planning. That is really not good, but I would rather miss an assignment in week 2 than week 14. I can still turn it in for partial credit, so I will finish it today. Then, I will map out my week for both classes a bit more carefully. I have also decided to start tracking my food again and being more diligent about my workouts. Chad got Noel and I some lights for our bike, so we can be a bit safer when we go out after dinner. Hopefully, that will bring my weekly miles up faster. Noel's schedule is all over the place this week, but I am determined to make things work. This will be a better week!

My Sean

 Nineteen years ago, my sweet Sean was born. He is an amazing human with a wonderful, loving heart. From the day he was born, I knew he was magic. His bear hugs could cure the worst of feeling, and his laughter can light us a room. He reminds me a lot of my mom in that way. Happy birthday, my sweet Sean!

Going to the Temple

When the invitation went out Sunday for a trip to the temple this morning, I was fast to sign up for a ride, and I am so glad that I did. As I have said many times, I have been struggling lately and have felt I need more direction in my life. This morning was my chance for a reset. I was able to sit in the temple and enjoy the stillness and peace. No one was needing my help. There were no dogs barking or begging for attention. There were no expectations of me. I was able to sit and take everything in. It was exactly what I needed. 

Mom and Sean Day

When Chad and I were engaged, Eric was struggling. My solution was to call him out from school and just spend a day with him for his birthday. We didn't do anything special. He just came with me as I ran errands, but it started a tradition of me taking a day off of work and the kids taking a day off of school for their birthday. (Most of the time, Noel didn't have to take a day off of school.) As time went on and money was more available, this changed to the kids choosing where they wanted to go for the day. The boys most of the time chose Boondocks, and Noel's has changed a few times with her interests. Eventually, Eric stopped choosing to have a day for he and I, but I have a feeling Sean will continue doing this as long as he can. 

With Sean's birthday coming up on Sunday, today was the day I took off of work to spend with him. As usual, we went to McDonald's for lunch followed by a trip to Boondocks. We had a lot of fun racing go karts, bowling, shooting each other in laser tag, and playing video games all afternoon. He won most of the games that we played against each other, and some that were not necessarily versus the other person but kept score, he had the higher score. I did, however, win at bowling and laser tag (neither of us are particularly good at either one). Near the end, it was getting a bit crowded with birthday parties for tweens, so we left about a half hour before our time was up. Over all, I would say it was a pretty fun day! I hope this continues for at least a few more years. We'll see. 

Running Update

As I get used to fitting my classes into my schedule, my running has not been great. I only ran once the last few weeks. I am determined to not let that happen again. I have counted out the weeks on my calendar, and at this point, I should finish my training and be really ready to run a 10K the first weekend in December. My Wonder Woman virtual race is a 5K, but I think I will run it as a 10K just so I can say that I can do it. The following weekend is the Colder Boulder, so I should be more than ready for that 5K which is a live race. Chad and I like doing that race every year and even ran it virtually in 2020. I am determined to make this my best ever Colder Boulder. 

What does my plan look like right now? Well, since the training plan that I have been using is an app, I have been able to just pick up where I left off each time I missed days. It is getting a bit harder to do as the run intervals get longer. I ran two nights ago, so I will run again tonight. According to the app, I am on week 3, day 3. This means that after my warmup, I will run for 2 minutes, walk for 2 minutes. Then, I will fun for three minutes and walk for three minutes twice. That will be followed by another run of two minutes and walk of two minutes. That is when I am supposed to do my cool down, but the last few times I have done this have ran every other minute of the cool down and down my street (my favorite part). I am at a point where it is a bit more difficult each time I run unlike the first few weeks that were basically the same each time for a week. 

I am determined to complete this training plan. I have been running off and on for about four and half years, and I have yet to actually finish a training plan because I get to a point that it feels too hard. I will not grow as a runner if I keep doing this. 

School Tacking

As I started this term, I started thinking about how I could make a visual of my school assignments and track what has been completed. This morning, I figured it out. I sat down with my journal and pulled up my assignments in each class. As I looked at them, I decided on how I would like to track each part of each assignment. I think I like how they turned out. I hope they work as planned. 

What Style?

I have never been able to say that I dress with style. In high school, I was mostly a jeans and t-shirt person. When I had my first office job, I wore handed down clothes from one of my coworkers. Then, I went back to jeans and t-shirts as a stay-at-home mom. I had a few years when I went back into the working world where I wore semi-nice clothes, but over the 10ish years that I was in call centers and offices, I got most of my clothes at the thrift store. Now, I seem to be in either sweats or dresses with only a few days of jeans (you can tell when I have somewhere to go). 

I would like to dress better. Part of me doesn't want to spend the money. I am not real fond of the stuff at some of the stores, so I would probably go to a thrift store anyway. This should not stop me. Another part of me just doesn't see the point. Most days no one sees me but my family. I could dress nicer to make me feel better, though. 

I know this is a strange dilemma. It is just the weird stuff that goes through my head sometimes. 

Level 10 Life

I am not a perfect person. I have never claimed to be. I have always known that I am a work in progress, and I am more than willing to work on myself. 

As I have mentioned before, I have been bullet journaling lately. I enjoy it far more than I had expected, and it is a great way to connect to my best friend, the person who introduced it to me. We have fun texting each other what we have been working on, and she gives me inspiration on how to make it more personal. 

On Friday, my friend asked if I knew about Level 10 Life. This is a method of bullet journaling to help direct personal goals. I found YouTube videos and blogs on Pintrest that broke it down for me. It really caught my interest. She and I texted all weekend about our ideas of how we would make them work for us. I looked up templates to find one that appealed to me. We sent each other pictures of what we were working on. By the time I sat down to work on my weekly goals, I had mine refined and glued into the back cover of my journal.

My plan is to have a new Level 10 Life chart at least every time I start a new journal with the hope that I will have leveled up on some of the areas of life that I deemed important. Will it look the same. Probably not. I'm sure something else will look fun to me at that point. The categories will probably be the same, though. One of the best parts about doing something like this is that I don't have to answer to anyone. It is mine. 

Feeling the Pull

I have been feeling the pull of my ancestors wanting me to find them. I have always thought that between my dad and my mom's siblings, there wasn't much for me to do. I have been on Family Search and Ancestry. I even have the apps on my phone. The thing is, I have not taken full advantage of these tools. 

A while ago, I found some names of ancestor names for Eric and Noel to take to the temple for baptisms. I was surprised that there were names available. I have not done anything to get ready for temple work again, but I know I need to.

Why do I all of a sudden think that I need to do more in this area? There have been conference talks about it. I know this happens all of the time. I have been listening to old conferences, and the talks about temple work have stuck out to me. Also, I have had friends talk about how rewarding it has been to bring names to the temple of family members. I just don't think it is a coincidence that the talks are coming up and my friends (who are not listening to the same talks) are talking about it at the same time.

I need to get back to the temple. When I do so I need to bring the name of one of my ancestors. It is hard to find time when my schedule and Chad's schedule are open at the same time. I need to stop waiting for this to happen and just go alone on a weekend sometime. 

I Held a Baby

I am in that stage of life where I know I will not be having any more babies, and my children are not at the stage of life where they are having babies. That means that I don't get to hold babies much anymore. I have a friend who is a grandma though, and sometimes she babysits. Today was one of those days. 

My friend and I had our planned lunch together today. Her daughter asked her to watch her kids sometime after we made our plans. Rather than rescheduling (which I would have totally done if she had asked), she had someone else watch the toddler and brought the baby along. This gave me a chance to be with this sweet three month old, too. She tried to hold him as we ate (he wanted to be held), but he made it difficult. When I was done eating, I happily held him. When he got fussy, I stood up and rocked him a bit until he fell asleep. Then, I sat down and just let him snuggle up and sleep for a while. It felt so good to hold a baby again! 

Need to Knit More

I have been neglecting my knitting lately. All I have left in the mitten I was doing is the thumb. I have never done an after thought thumb, so I have been procrastinating doing it. It's really dumb to do that. It will probably not be hard. 

I was really enjoying the rest of the mitten, and I want to start the next one. I chose colors that work well together that I really like. The faster I start the thumb, the faster I can get started on the other mitten. I am sure I will enjoy it as much as I have the first one. Also, there are other projects that I would like to do. 

There is a lady from church who has been helping give Noel rides a lot lately. My plan is to get an idea of colors she might like and make her a hat, scarf, or both. I like making hats and scarfs, but I am the only one in my family that will wear them. I would love to make something that will be appreciated, and I know I need to do something to show her my appreciation. 

This weekend I will think of a knitting goal. I had a monthly knitting goal a few years ago, and I loved it. I'm going to do that again and track it in my bullet journal.  

Better Day…so far

I am feeling a bit better today. Being able to vent helped. I also talked to my husband about some things that were bothering me. Then, I slept a bit better. I am hoping this feeling lasts the whole day. 

There are Days

There are days when the stress of life gets to me. (I know it gets to everyone sometimes.) Today is one of those days. There is work stress, school stress (both Noel and Me), parenting stress, and household stress. 

I like my job most of the time. There have been some shifts in power over the past couple of months, and the new higher ups want to make there mark by reinventing the wheel a bit. This has caused problems. For example, we were told not to worry about jobs that were not in the system and to trust the times that were entered in July. This turned out to be wrong and was discovered at the end of August. Now, we get to spend our time creating the jobs that need to be billed and correcting times in jobs before we can bill the customer for work that we have already paid the agent for. I have been working my butt off trying to keep the stuff that was caught up from falling behind while trying to catch up the back log of work caused by this. It sucks! 

School is hard. Both Noel and I attend online schools. I just started, and she has been doing it for about a month. It is hard to get her to do the work. I respect teachers a lot more now that I have been trying to do this. I only have to keep track of one child, and they have to keep track of many more. My classes started off intense right away. I have a lot of research and reading to get done by tomorrow. I have been working on it every night, and I am worried that I won't get it done. It is making me worried about the future of these classes as well as the last five semesters since they will all consist of upper division classes. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am almost done, and I have worked too hard to quit now

Parenting is always hard. I will not go into detail about why I have struggling with it right now because my cyber stalkers will use it against me if at all possible. I will just say that it is hard, and the criticism I receive makes it harder. I am sure that is the case for all parents. I have just been feeling it a lot lately. 

Trying to manage the household is hard, too. Making sure the bills are paid, everyone is fed, and at least some cleaning is done can be exhausting. I do get help with making dinners, and Chad helps make the shopping list and goes grocery shopping with me. Once in a while he will do a load or two of laundry and/or dishes. I know I am lucky that I get that much help. (I definitely didn't get that kind of help in my first marriage.) I would just like a bit more help sometimes. 

These stressors are temporary for the most part. I just need a break at some point. 

My Dream

Anthony about a year before he passed away.

I had a dream a few nights ago. I can't remember many of the details, but I do remember that my brother was in it. He looked just as I remember him: the scruffy, thin beard of 19 year old, dark hair just above his shoulder, about six feet tall, and skinny as can be. We were running around and having fun. He was laughing and leading the way everywhere we went as he always did. I don't remember where we went or what we did, but I remember that I was with my brother. I miss him. I wish he didn't have to leave. 

Riding with My Girl

Last night, I went on a bike ride with Noel. It was fun and harder than I thought it would be. I like riding my bike, but I am not the kind of person that rides often. I definitely don't ride to race or impress anyone. 

My bike is nothing impressive. I have a bike that Chad bought for me the year we got married after working odd jobs for his brother for a while. It's a cruiser and not built for speed. At this point, it has seen better days, but it works for what I use it for. 

Noel had been asking for a bike for a few years because the bike she had was too small. One year she stopped asking because she was more intent on learning how to skateboard. I'm not sure why she didn't ask much last year. Earlier this year, I had a friend that was having a garage sale, and I found a great bike for her there that was rarely used. It needs to be taken to a bike shop for a tune-up, but for the most part, it was in really good condition. 

As I rode with Noel last night, I could see how she has changed over the past few months. When we got the bike, she would only ride certain streets, trying to stay away from areas the girls that harassed her could be. Last night, she sailed down the streets without a care. It was hard to keep up with her, and there were times she was so far ahead that I couldn't even see her, but I was proud of her.

Thoughts on the Queen

Over the past few days, since the death of Queen Elizabeth, every newscast is covering this event in great detail. (That's right I watch the news. I even watch it from both biases.) I found it quite sad that it even overshadowed the usual 9/11 stories. I am, however, enjoying the quotes they have sprinkled periodically through the broadcast. One of my favorites was when she was ask why she wore such bold colors, she responded because if she were wearing beige no one would find her. As fun as this example is, it is not typical of most of the quotes I have been hearing. 

As I would expect from a woman of her age, most of the quotes have wisdom behind them. For example, "Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another stepping stone to greatness." There is a lot that can be learned from her life and her reign. I hope to some day learn more about her than just her quote. 

9/11

First Day of School

 

My official first day of school is Monday, but the classes are available today. This semester I am taking Infant and Toddler Development and Family Stress and Coping. Both classes are upper division classes which makes me a bit nervous. Last time I took two upper division classes in one semester, I got overwhelmed and dropped both classes. I can't do that anymore. I shouldn't have done it then.

I have a plan going into this semester that I am hoping will work this semester and the semesters to come since I only have upper division classes remaining. First of all, I am writing down all of my assignments in my planner by due date. Then, I am going to set aside time each day when I get off work for assignments rather than waiting until the due dates to do assignments. I am also going to spend more time one Saturday doing assignments. One class does have some assignments due on Saturday, but the hope is that by working on them throughout the week, it will be more of a matter of completing them than completely doing them. I have more time on Saturdays than the rest of the week, so setting aside a chunk of the day should help me get started on assignments do the following week. 

I hope I can keep up with these changes, and I hope that it will serve as an example for my daughter as she navigates the world of online school. 

Small Changes

Isn't it interesting how when you are looking for something, you see it all around you. Last week, I wrote about trying to find what I had lost. As I prayed and pondered this, I realized that what I am really looking for is figuring out who I am in this phase of life where I have one adult child, one "emerging adult," and a teenager who is going through her own problems. 

As I navigate this stage, I am finally in a space where I can really work on me. One way I am doing this is listening to General Conference talks each morning as I start work. The talk I listened to this morning was from Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf called "Daily Restoration." In this talk, he explains how it has been scientifically proven that when people have nothing to guide them, they walk in circles. He talks about how even the smallest things can take us off of the track we intended to be on. Does this mean that if we are not happy with the direction our life is going, we are stuck? No. Of course not. 

The good news is that we can make small changes that can bring us back to where we want to be physically, intellectually, and spiritually. Elder Uchtdorf said:

"Do you want to change the shape of your life?

                    Change the shape of your day.

                    Do you want to change your day?

                    Change this hour.

                    Change what you think, feel, and do a this very moment...

                    Minutes and hours well spent are the building blocks of a life 

                    well lived. They can inspire goodness, lift us from the captivity

                    of imperfections, and lead us upward to the redemptive path of

                    forgiveness and sanctification." 

This talk was a good reminder that I need to just keep working towards the person I want to become. I do not have to say stagnant or walk in circles. 

 

 

The Brownie with Everything

My husband, who loves to bake, is always looking for new recipes. Not long ago, he found a recipe for cheesecake brownies and slutty brownies with the intention of making both. Since Noel requested he make the cheesecake brownies first, he did, but he held onto the recipe for slutty brownies. Yesterday, he made them (we won't discuss how hot it made the house on a record breaking day). 

This brownie has just about everything in it. It has a layer of chocolate chip cookie, a layer of Oreos, and a layer of brownie. In small pieces, it is very good. When the piece gets too big, it is too sweet to handle all of it. Everyone that has tried it has said the same thing. I am not sure where he found this recipe (online somewhere), but it is definitely a winner!

Running Update

It has been almost three weeks since I started running again. It has been humbling to start over from the beginning, but I am determined to do it right. 

The app I am using is great! I used it four and a half years ago when I first started running. I like it because encourages me as I go by telling me I am doing a great job. (I know it is corny, but I like it.) It also has realistic intervals for starting. Other programs that I have tried expect you to be able to run five to twenty minutes before reaching a walking interval. This one starts with one minute. Not only is this more realistic for people who are out of shape, it also helps build confidence. 

So far, I am able to keep up with the training. I run three days a week: Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday or Sunday (depending on my schedule). I finished week two last night with six intervals of one and a half minutes of running followed by two minutes of walking. I went out a bit further than I had planned, so I ended up finished up with one minute running and one minute walking intervals until I got home. It felt so good to know that if I had wanted, I could have kept going. Tomorrow, I will be running a few one and half minutes runs followed by one and half minute walks as well as a few two and a half minute runs and two and a half minute walks. The running intervals will keep getting longer as I go, eventually ending with running for sixty minutes straight. I have never been fast enough to run a 10K in that time, but I will be a more competent runner at at that point. 

My goal is to be able to run a 10K by the end of November. This plan will get me mostly there. At that point, I will run a virtual race. I signed up for a virtual Wonder Woman race, but it is a 5K. I will do it on my own, and I am very excited about it. The company I get my fitness challenges from, Yes.fit (ask me for a referral code), usually does a 10K Turkey Trot each year, so I will probably do that one with Chad Thanksgiving morning. I think I will be done with my plan by then. I know that means I will be doing two virtual races at the end of November. I will be ready!

I am Me

I know there are people who read my blog that think I should be ashamed of who I am. They made a comment saying so a few days ago which I deleted. They hide behind an assumed name thinking that their nastiness will make me feel worse about myself. They are failing. 

I am not ashamed of myself. I have worked very hard to be the person I am, and I will continue to work on being the person I want to become. As Matthew McConaughey said in his 2014 Oscar speech, "'Who's your hero?'...'It's me in ten years'...I'm never going to be my hero...I know I'm not, and that's just fine with me because that keeps me with someone to keep on chasing." I am not a perfect person, and I have never claimed to be. I am a person who is continually working on myself. 

I have goals. There were times when I lost sight of them, and I let myself down. I hope to not let that happen again. My goals are ever evolving. I have goals for my health, goals that help me worship God and Jesus Christ as I see fit, goals for my education, and goals to better manage my household. All of these goals are helping me become that person I am chasing. Me in ten years. 

Am I ashamed of myself? No. Am I ashamed of the three-year-old worn out sandals I posted a picture of for all to see? No. I am me. I will not hide who I am. 

Grocery Shopping and Meal Planning

 

I think everyone I know has a different method for meal planning and grocery shopping. I use an old fashion calendar. Everyone gets to choose and make at least one dinner per week, and when we run out of something or think of something we would like that is not usually on the list, it is supposed to be written in the blank spaces. It gets harder to find spaces to write as we get closer to the end of the month, but the system seems to work for us. 

This is a system that just kind of evolved over time. I used to be all over the place. I would go to the store and buy a bunch of stuff that I would know the family would eat and hope to have what I needed to make meals. This meant we had basically no variety in our meals. When I tried to add a bit a variety, but the kids would make gagging noises rather than eat it. Eventually, I made two rules about the dinners. (1) They had to eat at least one bite of everything on the table. (2) If they made disparaging noises or said it was gross, they had to eat a regular portion. This made this meals a bit more enjoyable, but the boys still complained about what they "had" to eat. Rather than fight with them, I decided to have each of the kids choose at least one meal per week. At first, the rule was if they didn't choose a meal, they couldn't complain about what was being made. Eventually, it turned into them having to choose at least one meal per week. 

In the fall of last year, I had a bit of a breakdown and ended up in therapy being told that I needed to have everyone else in the house help out with the household responsibilities. The main thing I wanted help with was making dinner. Chad now cooks two days a week, and the kids each cook one day a week. There have been times when I have cooked for them like when they are sick. 

Overall, this works for us. I have been told that it wouldn't work for other people mostly because they don't like to eat on a schedule. Eating on a schedule is what this family needed. 

Running Safe

As I have said before, I have started running again. I run at night because I am already getting up at 4:30 to get ready to work and don't want to get up any earlier. (I am NOT a morning person.) The trick to running at night is I have to wait until it cools down which means running in the dark. 

I ran in the dark plenty of times in the past. I used to love running at about 5am and see the sunrise as I made my way through the neighborhood streets. I know how to be safe. I used to have a headlamp, but the batteries exploded in it. Now, I carry a flashlight/taser with me as well as my phone. I know I am seen. 

A few days ago, the strap on the flashlight/taser broke, and I started thinking that I would maybe get a new headlamp so I wouldn't have to worry about dropping my light. Then, another female jogger was kidnapped. I know I am not a young, skinny, blond woman like so many of the ladies that have been kidnapped, but I am more concerned about my safety as I run even though I live in a safe town. Did this jogger think she was going to be kidnapped when she went out Friday morning? Of course not. Because of this, I will keep going with the flashlight/taser. The taser makes me feel safer.

Trying It

Just like with other trends, I am jumping on the bullet journal trend as people seem to be walking away from it. This time, it took seeing how it was working for a friend for me to think that it was possible that tis would be a fun way to track my goals. 

I have been using a day planner, and that works for the day to day to-do lists.  I really don't see me walking away from this. I have been doing to-do lists since the boys were little. I just don't do them as detailed as I did back then. If I ever feel the need to be that detailed (ex. getting ready for a trip), I just write it on a piece of paper. For the day planner, I use boxes that I color in for my daily tasks and add circles to fill in for places I need to go or texts I need to send just that one day. 

Over the past few weeks, I have been color coding my tasks which makes it a bit more fun. Since I started doing this, I have been getting more and more into the idea of making my goals more visually appealing. I ordered stickers after the first week to draw attention to the main goals that I put at the top of the page (weight goal and year-to-date mileage goal). I, also, made some bullet journal like papers that I put on my walls around my desk where I work. Eventually, I decided to order a bullet journal from Amazon. 

After being sent two wrong shipments, I went to Walmart to buy the journal and other supplies. I have realized during the process of trying to get a bullet/dotted journal that it is not as easy as it used to be. A few years ago, I struggled to find a lined journal at the stores in Brighton. Now, it has gotten harder to find anything else.

The journal that I found that I really like has lined pages, dotted pages, graph pages, and blank pages. I really think I am going to like this. I can use the lined pages to write the things that I was going to write in my blog but can't because of my cyber-stalkers. I can use the dotted pages for the things I was going to put in a bullet journal. I can use the blank pages for similar things that I don't need to follow straight lines or are more sticker heavy. I haven't decided what I will use the graph pages for yet, but I am sure I will find something. 

I know this is a small thing, but it is something I am excited about. As I merge into the next phase in life, I think I need something like this to help me keep my head right. 

New Sandals

Old vs. New

The shoes that I wear the most are my sandals. For the most part, I wear them year round. I don't leave the house much, so it is not always necessary to wear anything else. They are easy to slide on and off when needed and dressy enough to wear to church. I will wear something with laces when running, boots when it is cold, or closed toed shoes when necessary. 

When I buy sandals, I hope they will last me quite a while, but I never expected these ones to last this long. The summer of 2019 I found myself in a Walmart getting Noel sandals for a camping trip (not sure if it was with her grandparents or church related), and I found a pair that I liked as well. This summer, it has been obvious that they needed to be replaced. I figured I could put it off until they were terminal, though. I don't like spending a lot of money on clothes or shoes for me and wanted to make sure Sean and Noel had what they needed first. 

I finally got my new sandals! I had a Khol's gift card from my birthday, and I finally took myself shopping. I got a few pairs of pants, a candle, and SANDLES. They are very similar to the old ones. I am hoping they last at least as long. Who knows, maybe someday I will buy actual Birkenstocks. Maybe if they are on clearance...

Losing Myself Again

There was a time when I lost myself in my children, and I loved it. All I wanted to be when I was growing up was a mom. For a while I completely lost myself in that identity. I went back and forth with the idea of wanting a job because I knew it was  need. However, for the most part, all I cared about was that I was a mom. 

Since I started working a paying job, I have found the satisfaction in my work. I have been promoted, recruited, and hand selected in the past 13 years, and it felt good because I knew these accomplishments were mine and earned with hard work. When I was working in the office, it was a bit of an escape. I would still answer the phone when my kids would call and rush to take care of them when needed like when the car Eric was driving overheated on the way to school. I was still a mom, but there were clear boundaries. Work was work and home was home. 

Like a lot of people, I was sent home to work in March 2020 because of the pandemic. I struggled with the lack of human interaction outside the home and did what I could to solve that issue. I ended up in therapy because I was overwhelmed with the blending of home and work life. I had lost a piece of me that I didn't even know I wanted. Slowly, I accepted that this was my new life. I could see why I needed to be home to take care of my children, and my life started to get busy again. The problem is that I have still lost a piece of me, and it slips away more and more all of the time. 

I really want to be able to have time to myself. No. I do not have children in my room talking to me all of the time while I work, but they do come talk to me and hug me periodically (that part doesn't bother me). I don't get time alone very often outside of working hours, though. I have been so overwhelmed with the people in my household, that I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. I love my husband and kids, but I need some time to just be me again. I need to either find what I feel I am losing or discover part of me I didn't know I had again. Either way, I need to have time to myself to find it.