Continuing to Receive Answers

Life has been hard lately. To say I have felt knocked down is an understatement. Over the past month, I have found myself turning to my Heavenly Father more than ever. Each time, He answers in the ways that I need. It isn't always big, but it doesn't have to be for me to know that He is there, answering my prayers, and caring about my mental wellbeing as well as my spiritual wellbeing. 

This week, I have been in tears several times not knowing how to deal with the pressures and rejections I have been facing. On Tuesday, I went for my regular shift at the temple where I was reminded that it was the right place to be over and over. I could feel the love of Christ as I performed my duties and served the patrons the way the Lord would have me do. On Wednesday, Chad and I took our regular walk. As he always does, he listened to me as I rambled on about my day. When we got close to the end, I told him how I was feeling about the rejection I had recently faced and the stress I was feeling about all of the medical issues in our household right now. When we got back to the house, he sat with me on the sidewalk in front of the house and just let me cry and let my feelings out. I told him I felt like life has been crapping on me since I was 10 (when the grandma that lived with us was diagnosed with cancer and died). He just listened and let me air it all out. I needed that more than anything at that time. Then, my child with no voice asked me to take them to their next specialist appointment. I thought this was going to be a difficult endeavor because I would have to work with both of my bosses to make this happen. I said a prayer and texted them both. I had to ask one to be able to work and hour earlier that day, and I had to let the other know that I would not be able to work the last day of Magic Club for the semester. Both were understanding when I explained what was going on. That was a small answer to my prayers that I needed but wasn't sure would work out. I know most people would look at these things as coincidence or people just being caring, but I choose to see them as God showing me the compassion that I really need right now. 

This morning, I was once again in tears after the second call in about a week in which my parents made sure that I know they will not be helping me in any way and that things are harder for them. (My stepmother has significant health issues, and my dad works very hard at his job.) I understand that my struggles are not as bad as other people, but it would have been nice to be shown some compassion while I'm in the trenches this one time. I prayed this morning, as I usually do, for my child to be healed and to feel God's love once again. Then, I read my scriptures, did my daily affirmations, and got in the shower where I was hit with a stronger wave of depression. I did all I could do at this point. I closed my eyes, looked up to the sky, and just prayed for this feeling to be taken from me. As I got out of the shower, I had a feeling I should listed to a talk from General Conference. I opened the app on my phone and pulled up the next talk in my queue. It was All Who Have Endured Valiantly by David A. Bednar. Just reading the title of the talk helped me know the Lord was listening to my prayers. As I listened to the talk, I was reminded that I am here to grow spiritually. I have been given spiritual gifts to help me and others through this life. I need to look for ways to show charity to others and help them make it through this life as well. I have been shown compassion throughout the last few weeks by people outside of my family such as both of my bosses, the temple workers on my shift whether they know what is happening or not, my husband, and my children. It is my turn to show compassion and serve. Elder Bednar said, "As we follow, love, and serve the Savior, we gradually focus less on our own desires and interests and more on understanding and addressing the needs of others...Charity, then, ultimately possesses us." This is my answer today. I need to stop turning inward and worrying about myself. I need to turn outward and look to help those around me. 

Church this Week

 I absolutely loved church services this week. It started with Relief Society. We discussed the talk Draw Near unto Me by President Henry B. Eyring. I love this talk. In it, he talks about how we can draw closer to Christ. It goes along with Doctrine and Covenants 88:63:

"Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you: seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you."

I love this verse! Even when I struggled with my testimony, I believed in the power of prayer. Whenever I struggle spiritually, mentally, physically, etc., I know I can turn to prayer. I know that my Heavenly Father is always there for me and listens to my prayer. I have gone through enough difficulties in my life that I know He will not always pull us out of them immediately. We have to trust His timing. I can't say my life is perfect, but I can it is better than it was in the past.

Another way that I draw closer to my Savior is reading my scriptures. I have struggled with this in the past. At a particularly hard time in my life,  I sat in my stake president's office and told him that I struggled with my testimony because I didn't understand why I had to go through another trial. I felt like I had a harder life than anyone else around me. (I have learned since that was not always true.) He asked me what spiritual habits I had. I told him I personally was fasting with a purpose on Fast Sundays, praying and journaling about it daily, and reading the Doctrine and Covenants daily (the scriptures we were studying in Sunday School that year). I explained that I didn't understand how the Doctrine and Covenants applied to me and thought trying to study it was making things worse for my testimony. His simple response was to tell me to stop reading it. He didn't judge me for my struggle, he plainly gave me practical advise that would help. Since then, I have grown to love the scriptures, all of them. We are studying the Doctrine and Covenants again this year in Sunday School. I read through it by the middle of the year for the first time, and I could feel the Spirit as I did so. As I have progressed in the gospel, I have learned to love my time spent studying the word of God. 

I have also learned to love my service in the temple. I liked the temple when I was younger, but when I stopped going, I was more worried what other people would think of me not going than what I was missing out on because I didn't really understand what I was doing. I memorized what I needed to as an ordinance worker, but I didn't know why it was important. I am at a different place spiritually. I love the changes that have been made that make the ordinances more clear. I love going with my husband. He has become such a spiritual person and makes me want to continue to grow. The more we go to the temple together, the more I want to be there. One of the best decisions we made on our recent trip was to go to a temple at each stop. I hope to be able to do that on more trips. 

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am thankful that He made a way for us to return to Him and our Father in Heaven. The way to learn of Him and return to Him is simple and hard at the same time. When we are willing to take the time and put forth the effort to learn of Him and draw nearer to Him, we receive blessings. I am thankful that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me so much that He sent His son as a sacrifice for my sins. It was pointed out in Sacrament Meeting that Christ was part mortal, so he truely felt the pains and sorrows of mortality. When we reach out to Him in prayer, we can know that we are not alone. We can be lifted up by Him and through Him. I love my Savior!

After Day 2

Day 2 of General Conference was a bit harder to get through. This is only because I was tired and the second session of the day was during my usual Sunday nap. I made it through the morning session with no problem, but I slept through the first hour in the afternoon. Thankfully, I have it recorded and it is available on the church's website, and I can rewatch it anytime. 

My takeaway so far is that it is ok to not be perfect. This life is about progress. The Lord loves our efforts to keep our covenants. I have heard these things before, but it hit a bit different this time. 

I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I love that it is not a gospel of protection. It is a gospel of love and compassion, learning and growth, passion, and following the most powerful man to ever live on this earth. I am thankful to be a member of the Church of Jesus of Latter-Day Saints. I know my efforts to love and live this gospel will help me progress throughout eternity and lead me back to my mom and brother after this life. 

After Day 1

Yesterday was the first day of the April session of General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Chad and I watched the first 2 sessions of the day together, then he went to a Mammoth game with his brother while I watched the last session on my own. I really enjoyed listening to the talks and music. They filled my home with the Lord's spirit. 

I went into the day with one question. "What can I do to progress in life?" I have been working on getting an internship but feel like I have been stagnant or slipping backwards in so many other areas lately. I want to progress spiritually, financially, in my relationship with Chad, and in so many other areas of my life. Before conference started, I prayed for an answer to this question going that, like others have said they have done, I would receive an answer. I got my wish. 

As I listened to the talks, I got an overwhelming feeling that I need to grow my relationship with the Savior. I thought about this impression as the talks continued and during downtime. I'm pray daily, read my scriptures most days, go to the temple on a regular basis, and attend church and partake of the sacrament each week. What am I missing? 

I need to get past the checklists and follow the spirit to guide me towards a better relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I am going to read Jesus the Christ. At first, I thought I would have to borrow the book from someone since I am not buying new books this year. I was a bit worried about doing this because I am a slow reader, and it would probably take a few months for me to finish it and return it. Thankfully, I don't have to do this. The entire book is available on the Church's website. I can read it directly on the website or app, listen to it, or print it one chapter at a time. I have decided to print it piece by piece and put it in a binder as I go. It may take me a while to finish this book, but I feel strongly that it is my next step to grow my testimony and relationship with my Savoir. 

January 2025 Bullet Journal

I am determined to make this month more productive than last month. I won't be disobey trying to make Christmas magical for my adult children, and I hopefully won't be so sick that I land in the ER with asthma issues. I will, however, be working daily on my goals. I have made spreads in my bullet journal to do this. 

First, I have a page that lists my goals of the month and has a tracker to mark off the days that I have completed them:

Then, I have my Miracle morning tracker. On the opposite page is my affirmation for the month. 

Next is my "no spend" tracker. I could be more of a low spend type thing, but Chad and I came up with rules that we both agreed on that we feel will lead us in a better financial path. 

My next spread is for cleaning. This of course is the bare minimum. I hope that everyone else will pitch in. We'll see. 

The only other tracker that I am using is one I made last month for the book that I want to finish and implement what I have learned soon. 

I will be keeping track of my hobbies without a tracker, and the conference talks are being marked in the book. 

Be Still

 About 4 months ago, Chad and I went to the temple and prayed for guidance on what to do with our professional lives. After doing an endowment session, we sat and prayed and soaked in the peace of the Celestial Room. As we did so, I go the impression to "be still." The longer we sat there, the stronger the feeling was that I just needed to be still. 

We drove home talking about our impressions. He seemed to be given a clear answer, but I was quite confused about what I felt I was being told to do. What did "be still" mean? As I contemplated it over the next few days, I decided to lean into it and try to figure it out. I even bought stickers with a scripture about being still on them. I began to think that it meant that I didn't need to do anything other than support my husband in his endeavors. I had been going to school for quite a while, and he had supported me for so long. Maybe it was his turn to shine. As time went on, I think I became more chaotic in some ways rather than still and supportive. 

Fast forward to last night. I was reading, annotating, and highlighting a General Conference talk that I had chosen at random from my General Conference Addresses: Journal Edition book from the most recent conference. The talk it landed on when I opened it was, "Seek Him with all Your Heart" by Bishop L. Todd Budge. The theme I picked up on from it was the importance of being still. THIS WAS THE ANSWER I WAS LOOKING FOR! It had been right here in a talked given in October. How did I not catch that months ago? 

In this talk he has many nuggets that stuck out to me. First of all, he quoted President Nelson saying in 2021, "...quiet time is sacred time - time that will facilitate personal revelation and instill peace." He later points out, "The gospel of Jesus Christ gives us opportunities to return to Him often. These opportunities include daily prayers, scripture study, the sacrament ordinance, the Sabbath day, and temple worship...what may be needed is not necessarily more time but more awareness of and focus on God during the times we already set aside for Him." The final nugget that stood out to me was, "As we concentrate our hearts and minds on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and listen to the still, small voice of the Holy Ghost, we will have greater clarity about what is most needful, develop deeper compassion, and find rest and strength in Him."

I don't need to just do nothing. I don't need to sit back and support my husband. I need to be still as I develop a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. As I do so, I will have more clarity in my life and receive answers to my questions. I need to let go of the chaos and lean further into the light available to me through the gospel.

My Weekend

This weekend ended up going not totally as expected. Noel had a friend over and was originally planning for her to stay until she went to school tomorrow, but Noel ended up getting very sick Saturday, so her friend went home. I was still light headed but knew I needed to get things done as I took care of my daughter. I got the kitchen completely clean and worked on my baking projects (sandwich bread , English muffins, and sourdough bread). 

Sunday, I woke up so overwhelmed with everything that needed to be done (both bathrooms, laundry, cinnamon rolls, etc.) that I was constantly in tears. Chad helped get a few things done and reminded me that we could relax as we watched General Conference. Thanks to his help, I was able to clam down and take the time to do things properly. I even made near perfect cinnamon rolls that we could eat during the first session of the day. 

I still need to redo the kids’ bathroom (Chad and I cleaned it Friday), clean the sinks in my bathroom, and do another load of dishes, but I feel I put in an honest effort yesterday especially for a day in which my head was still spinning. I even got a lot done on my latest sweater as I watched conference. 

My Cheerleaders

In Relief Society today, we discussed Sister Tunis’s talk from this last conference, Seeing God’s Family Through the Overview Lens. During this discussion, there was a conversation about the people that lift us up, help us through hard times, and generally have our backs. I sat quietly thinking if the people who have supported me through the years. As each person that contributed to the conversation talked about that one person, all I could think was that there are different people during different seasons of life. 

When my mom struggled with mental illness, my dad was there for me. He wasn’t perfect, but he was there for me the best way he knew how especially after she moved out. 

My Young Women’s leaders encouraged me to be my best. They helped me make tough decisions and told me I was a good person even when I didn’t think so. 

My former mother-in-law is a cheerleader to all. I don’t think she has met anyone she doesn’t like. When I was struggling to feel my worth, she would show it to me. I remember one Sunday arguing with my then-husband about whether I was a good driver (a stupid fight) on the way to her house for dinner. (He had told me I was a bad driver because my license had expired. It had expired because we couldn’t afford fir me to renew it.) As I helped make dinner, she asked me why I seemed upset. After explaining the fight, she told me she would fix it and made the plan to take me to the DMV to renew my license. She made no judgment, just helped me feel like my needs mattered. I could go in and on about the many things she has done to heal the wounds she didn’t even know were there just by being her and seeing the best in me. 

My best friend was there for me when I needed her the most. I could stop by her house just to cry without notice. When I struggled with my testimony, she met me where I was and helped me see how I could do better when I needed it. When I was pushing everyone away, she pulled me in closer. I will forever be thankful for her love and support during the good and bad times. 

There are many others. I have been truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. I know my Heavenly Father sent them to me when I needed the most. I pray that I will one day be able to be this person for someone else. 

Confirmation

“We have a loving Heavenly Father who will see that we receive every blessing and every advantage that our own desires and choices allow. We also know that He will force no one into a sealing relationship against his or her will. The blessings of a sealed relationship are assured for all who keep their covenants but never by forcing a sealed relationship on another person who is unworthy or unwilling.“ Dallin H. Oaks, October 2023

When I filed for divorce, I was told by someone who did not have all the information that I was breaking my covenants. I held this guilt for a while even though I knew I was doing the right thing. Years later, I came to terms with this as a learned more about the covenants I had made because I knew that I was not the one who had broken them. 

When I went through the process of having my sealing to my first husband cancelled so I could be sealed to Chad, I felt a sorrow greater than I had felt with the divorce. Not because I wanted to be connected to my ex husband. I wanted to be sealed to someone who honored and respected the relationship we had and someone who truly loved me for who I was. I’m not sure I can explain why I felt the way I did other than I was once again worried I was doing something that was wrong for many people including my children. When the process was complete, I I was able to say that Chad was mine for eternity, and all of these feelings were worth it. 

This morning, I was listening to President Oaks’ talk from this last conference, and I felt a confirmation that I had done the right thing in 2018. The ex and I have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship with each other (we have both remarried). He does not live by the teachings of the Church. I strive to keep my covenants I have made. If I had not gone through this process, we would not be forced to be with each other for eternity. That would be torture! 

I am thankful for this talk and the other teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that have confirmed to me that I have made the right choices. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy. 

Working on It

Someday, I will get professional help again. It’s not the budget right now, and I’m ok with that. Even though I go into a downward spiral at times, I know it can be worse. It has been worse. Last time it scared me, I got help, and I am working on the coping mechanisms I learned three years ago. It is more important for my kids to be taken care of for now. One of these days they will all be gone, and I will be able to put more into myself at that time. 

What am I doing now? I am exercising more and have started to read fiction again before I go to sleep at night. I am reading in the Book of Mormon more consistently again and listening to conference talks while I work. I switched to watching Heartland instead of intense police and medical dramas. I have cleaned my desk a bit and am looking for more things to get rid of. I have had a few conversations with my husband to tell him what I am stressing out about. 

All of these things are helping a little bit. I think that it will help more as the habits develop. I am working on having hope for the future again. 

Conference Rolls

A while back, a lady at church talked about her tradition of making cinnamon rolls for her family for General Conference weekend. I knew people had this tradition but wasn’t too concerned with doing it myself. However, Chad had not heard of this and got very excited. I couldn’t tell him know when he was that excited about a new tradition, so I started making cinnamon rolls for conference a few weeks later. Most of the time, I make them from scratch. When I have a stressful semester, it’s Pilsbury to the rescue. This time it is a Pilsbury conference. My husband and kids are happy, and I can keep my sanity. 

Priorities

This morning, I listened to M. Russell Ballard’s talk, Remember What Matters Most. It was great to have the reminder that I don’t need to be everything to everyone all at once. It kind of goes along with the theme of The Barbie Movie. (Yes, I’m talking about it again…a bit.) We are often told we need to do so many things that it is overwhelming. 

What roles do I play currently in my life? I am a mother, wife, employee, student, youth leader, sister, friend, daughter, and more. I have always and will always first and foremost be a mother. My husband knows this. I hope my kids know this. Being a wife is also very important to me. I have always known I was meant to be a wife. I hated being single after my divorce and was lucky enough to find the love of my life quickly. (Isn’t it amazing how the Lord puts the right people in our lives exactly when we need them?) Everything else has to be prioritized daily. Do I make mistakes? Yes. Sometimes the girls I teach text me with questions more than others (today was all about what to pack for camp). Sometimes my schoolwork has to take top priority. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I succeed. The failures almost always stick in my brain the best. 

Listening to this talk reminded me that putting my family and God first is what matters. As I follow the prompting of the Holy Ghost and do my best to fulfill my family responsibilities, everything else can fall into place. I know this is true. I know that “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”