Proud of Myself

For Valentines Day, Chad got me a cheese board that I have wanted for a while. It is beautiful, and I love it. The problem is that I was having a hard time finding just the right time to use it. I was going to use it for Mother's Day, but I forgot to buy stuff for it. (I know. Typical Rosa.) I considered it for Memorial Day, but we had so many left overs from Sean's party that we just had that all weekend. That means that July 4th was my next chance to celebrate with charcuterie arrangement. 

Since I had to work, I had to send Chad to the store with a list. Thankfully, I can do this without worrying. It is just something we usually do together, so I wasn't a fan of just sending him to the store. He did a good job picking out the perfect fruit. When the cheese was out that I had on the list, he found a better cheese. It was actually the one I wanted. I just wasn't sure if he would be able to find it.

When I got off work, I washed my hands, got out a knife and cutting board, and went to work on my master piece. I am not normally the person who likes doing this kind of thing, and I have said in the past that I wasn't going to get sucked up into this trend. Just like when I have said this in the past, I got sucked in as everyone seems to be walking away from it. Really, it was more fun than I though it would be. An added plus was that I was able to serve a bit of something that everyone liked. No one complained. We had pleasant conversation where we laughed and joked with each other. It was such a pleasent experience that I hope to not wait for a "special occasion" to do this again. 

Positive Communication

I have been taking a communications class this semester. I originally only signed up for the class because it was my last 100-level class that I needed to take for my degree, and I needed something easy to balance out the Research Methods class I had to retake that I was dreading. When I opened the syllabus in April, my insecurities seeped in. Seeing the weekly Zoom meetings and number of speeches I would need to prepare and give made me nervous. I did not think I could do it. I was wrong. Not only am I doing it, I am thriving in this class and learning so much. After giving my first speech, my instructor asked if I would like some continual coaching when the class was over. She is a motivational speaker and has a coaching business on the side. She said she offered her talented students free coaching for about a month during the summer, something for which she would normally charge about $300. Not only did this make me feel good about taking this class, it makes me feel like she helped me find a hidden talent that I would like to develop. It is amazing what a few encouraging words can do!

Row vs. Wade Thoughts

 I feel the need to voice  my opinion about abortion laws/rights in light of Row vs Wade being overturned and the reactions on social media of which many have chosen to attack people of faith. 

 I have never been pregnant with a baby I did not want, so I cannot say I formed an opinion based on personal experience from that point of view. I base my opinions on my religious views and my personal feelings from being pregnant with my children along with my ability to understand that there are other reasons for people to seek this option other than just plain not want to have a baby.

I do not believe abortion should be used as birth control. I believe both men and women should be more careful with their sexual practices. For the most part, people having sex know that a baby could result from it. I understand that birth control could fail. I was told by my mom that I am the result of birth control failing in some way. 

I am not sure where the line is drawn between a baby being trash and a baby deemed valuable enough to let live. It seems like if a pregnancy is not expected or wanted, it is not reasonable to expect a woman to keep the pregnancy. If the woman is excited about a pregnancy, it is a loved and real from the beginning. If a woman was excited about her pregnancy when she was murdered, we hear all about it no matter how far along she was: her due date, the sex of the baby, the baby's name (if it is known). For example, when Shannan Watts and her daughters were murdered, along with the wonderful things said about them, we heard about that baby, including the sex and name. There was even outrage that he was not charged in the baby's death. However, if a woman is pregnant and as far along as Shannan was with an "unwanted" pregnancy, it is perfectly acceptable for her to kill the baby by having an abortion. I do not understand this logic. 

I believe that all life is precious and should be treated as such. (To put that into perspective, I also don't believe in the death penalty, but I won't go into that right now.) Abortion for birth control spits in the face of that belief. God created life, and that should be respected. President Kimble said, "Abortion must be considered one of the most revolting and sinful practices in this day...to submit to or perform an abortion except in rare cases...should be done only after counseling...and after receiving divine confirmation through prayer." He sends us these precious spirits to teach and love, not to throw away like trash. 

I understand that there are pregnancies that are a result from one night stands or a drunken mistake or whatever other "mistakes" happen. Here’s an idea, don't have sex if you don't want there to be a chance that a baby could be the result. Is this a lot to ask? Maybe, but that is how I see it. That is truly taking control of your body and your choices. By the way, I think men should do the same. When sex results in a pregnancy, they should be held responsible at least financially.

When a baby is the result of rape or incest, if there is no possibility of the baby surviving outside the womb, or if the mother's life is in danger, abortion could be an option. This should only be done after careful consideration. I could understand why this would be necessary in these cases. I have known someone who carried a baby to term knowing she would not survive outside the womb. She was crushed knowing that her precious girl could not live on her own. When she was told  by the insurance that he only way they would cover the "birth" would be if she carried the baby to term or miscarried, it added to her pain. She loved her baby more each day, knowing that their time together was limited. After the baby was born, she live only a short time, and the mother had to heal from a C-section and go through the process of forcing her milk to dry up without the reward of caring for her daughter. Her pain was real. She would have been in pain either way, but it seemed to be extended by the insurance company's decision to not allow a medical procedure that may or may not have helped the healing process. It was legal for her to have an abortion, but she was not able to do it. My question: Where were all of the people who claim to care about these mothers when she needed the money and support? My (possibly cynical) answer: They didn't care because she was not their target. They only care about supporting the women who didn't want the baby. 

Am I happy about the "trigger laws" that resulted from the overturning of Row vs. Wade? Not necessarily. Outlawing all abortions can be dangerous. If the mother dies as a result of a pregnancy, the baby would most likely die, too. How is that saving a life? If there is no chance of a baby surviving after birth, why put the family through the prolonged pain of anticipating a birth knowing there would be death at the same time? If the baby is the result of rape or incest, there should not be a forced, constant reminder of the trauma they endured more than the resulting PTSD that is inevitable thanks to the horrible person who thought it was their right to force themselves on someone. That being said, there should be careful consideration in these cases to assure more mental or spiritual trauma would be caused by this choice because it is a permeant decision. 

Funeral Day

 Today, I will be going to the funeral for a great man. He was caring, honest, genuine, sweet, and just all around one of the best people I have known. When I think of him, I think about his smile, and the way he would explain things. 

Last summer, he came to Girls Camp to teach the girls how to build a fire. He taught them how to make kindling if there was nothing around to use. He taught them how to build everything up around the kindling. He showed them the best way to keep it going as we kept it going from lunch time until we were ready to go to bed. I remember the look on his face the next morning when someone had already started a fire by the time he got up but had used a huge bundle of sticks rather then the method he had just taught the day before. Then, he just simply said it was a beautiful fire. 

I have known this man for 15 years, basically since I moved here. It’s hard to imagine not seeing him around. It’s harder knowing his wife is hurting, and I can’t do anything to take my friend’s pain away. 

Education Journey

I’m a senior in college. That is a sentence I would not have even imagined I would have said 15 to 20 years ago. I wanted to go back to school so badly. I had only planned to take a year or two off when I decided not to go right after high school, but life and circumstances changed. Before I knew it, I was married with three kids, and that husband was completely against me furthering my education. The thing is, the desire to grow as a person did not go away.

After each child was born, I felt a greater desire to be better in so many ways. By the time my third baby was five months old, I was starting to wonder where the girl who loved to learn went. I loved my children (and still do). I wanted them to have a better life than we were providing them, and I was starting to realize that would not happen at the rate we were going. He was working a job that we were barely scraping by on, and I was a stay-at-home mom who wasn’t even allowed to work.

One night, after going to bed, I gave him an ultimatum; either he needed to go to school or I would. I honestly thought he would let me go because he hated school and hadn’t even finished high school. That was not how it happened. He ended up going to community college. It was not what I expected, but I cheered him on as he embarked on the journey with the expectation that he would at minimum have an associate degree in the end. The goal was to better the family, right? 

About a year and a half later, I sat in a woman’s conference a had a strong feeling that I needed to go back to school while listening to President Monson speak. (I think this will always be my favorite talk because it is my inspiration to further my education.) That night, I went home and prayed about it. I even thought I knew what program would work best with the responsibilities I had at home. Then, I approached the husband with my plan. I was told I couldn’t do it. After all, who would take care of the kids while I was in school? Plus, I would obviously cheat on him if I did. (Maybe, a bit of a confession on his part…)

A few years later, I found myself needing to get a job to help support my family, and a year and a half after that, I was a single mother just trying to survive. At this point, I was enrolled in online classes, but I resented the man who told me I couldn’t go previously and had made it difficult once I did so anyway. I felt as though if he had allowed it instead of him going or even once I started begging in 2007, I would have been in a better position to fulfill the financial obligations of being the sole provider for my children.

Fast forward a few more years. I am now married to an amazing man who wants me to fulfill my dreams. I finished the degree I was working on during my divorce and thought I would try to find a way to use it. I mean, it was a degree in business management, a quite versatile degree. The government blocked that plan when many for profit schools were closed down without notice and our transcripts were destroyed leaving us in debt with a piece of paper no longer worth the thousands of dollars we still have to pay in the form of student loans. This was frustrating and left me feeling defeated once again, but once again I dusted myself off and rose to the challenge. After having the accreditation stripped from the school I received my associates degree from, my husband and I both had the strong impression that I should attend the Pathways program through BYU-I and pursue a bachelors degree. Which brings me to where I am today. 

Here I am. A senior in college. It has taken many years to get here, and I still have almost two years to go as a part-time student, but I am doing it. I am accomplishing my dream! I will be able to say I finished! 

So Many Thoughts

I am who I am, and I resent being told that this is wrong. I am proud to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. There are people who think that this is a reason to attack me or my friends. I know people that choose to attack anyone who believes in God and Jesus Christ. I find it interesting that those who do this claim it is because "all Christians are hateful." They say that we all discriminate against this broad group or that broad group. I find it interesting that these people would discriminate against a large group of people to prove a point about discrimination. 

What does this mean about how I believe? I know God, the Father, and Jesus Christ are real. I know Jesus died for my sins and suffered all that I have and will suffer. I know that he did so for each and every person who has and will grace this earth. He is not just the Savior of straight, white men. He is the Savior of all mankind. It hurts me when I hear people of any religious affiliation say otherwise. 

I was not raised to judge people based on their race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc. I was, also, raised a bit naïve to the issues of those who are different may have had. It wasn't until I was working in call centers and faced head on with some of these issues that I began to understand some of these issues in even the smallest way. 

I believe there is no real way for me to fully understand someone else's life or point of view. I can listen. I can try to relate. I cannot say that I know everything about them. No one can say they know everything and have felt everything about my life either. 

I am the daughter of a mother who came out in the 90s. My mom confided in me when I was 13 before she fully came out and left my dad to live with her girlfriend. It took me many years after her death to realize that this may have been hard for her instead of seeing how hard it was for me. I will always live with the abandonment issues caused by her leaving. It was not easy being an almost 14 year old told that my mom was gone, my brother and sister knew where she was, but she would not tell me where she was because I was the most likely to tell my dad. These experiences shaped me in ways that I can't really explain. 

My brother was my protector. At one time, he told me that if a dude was threatening me, I should go to him, but if it was a girl, I needed to have my sister protect me. I was seen as the weaker sibling because I was the "girly" one. I didn't take offense to this. It was just the dynamic we had. 

The summer I turned 15, he proved that he would fight for me. A man was brought into our house to supposedly help my brother with his problems. We were expected to call him our brother and treat him as such. (At this point, my mom and her girlfriend were staying in a room in our basement with the understanding they were to be in separate twin beds.) One day, I thought I was the only one home when I woke up. I took a shower and went down the hall to my room in just a towel. Out of habit, I locked the bedroom door, and I am glad I did. The man staying in our home had seen me walk down the hall and followed me. He tried to get in my room. I was holding the doorknob hoping it wouldn't turn, pressed up against the door that was bending under his weight, and screaming for help. At this point, Anthony came home from wherever he had been. He heard the commotion and ran to find out what was going on. He ran down the hall, pulled the man off the door, threw him against the wall, and punched him. He was truly my hero in that moment. A few months later, he once again had the chance to prove he would protect me. I came home from school to only the man in question being there. He had not put the bed away into the couch that day, so it was right there as I walked into the door. He grabbed me and threw me against the bed, held my arms over my head with one hand and tried to do other things to me with the other hand as he licked my face. Once again, I was screaming and crying not knowing what I could do to stop what I knew this was leading to. Luckily, Anthony came home to from school to change for work at this time. He pulled him off of me and fought him once again. We never told our parents, but I will always see my brother fist and foremost as my protector. 

Three years later was the worst year of my life. I lost both of these integral people in an instant. My mom had made some major changes in her life which included trying to heal our relationship the year before. We had been talking about me moving in with her and going to community college once I graduated high school. My bother had moved into his first apartment a few months prior to this event. I had declared that my senior year would be unforgettable. Little did I know, this would be true for completely different reasons than I had expected. August 29, 1996, I went to work in a costume my mom had made for me to make balloon animals for the customers. My mom stopped by to let me know she was leaving that night for her trip instead of the next day, and Anthony would be going with them. The next morning, I woke to my brother's dog whining and was annoyed. I said that I couldn't wait until they got back because I didn't want to have to deal with his dog that early in the morning. Later that day, my dad came to the school, took my sister and I out of class, and told us something that would change our lives forever. Our mom and brother were involved in a car accident. My mom's "roommate" had fallen asleep at the wheel. My brother was ejected, his neck broken in many places, he did not make it. Our mother had been crushed by the guardrail and had died on impact. In this one moment, as my sister and I were complaining about the annoying dog that missed her person, we had lost half of our family and didn't even know it yet. It did not matter that we no longer lived with them. It did not matter that our mom had spent the past four or five years trying to decide what she wanted her role to be in our family. It did not matter that our brother had abandoned our beliefs. They were gone, and it hurt. It still hurts.

Do not tell me that I do not understand real loss. Do not tell me I don't understand what it feels like for someone to overpower you, not knowing how to defend yourself. Do not tell me I have not seen the anguish of someone being forced into a box that did not fit them. I have experienced all of these things. They have shaped who I am and what I believe. 

People can judge me all they like. I don't like it, but I can't change it. Everyone judges others in one way or another. Those who say they don't are either in denial or lying.  

Dog Love

We really have the sweetest dogs! Aqua is often a ball of energy. She thinks that everyone who comes to visit is there for her, and she doesn’t seem to understand that they don’t want her to jump on them. We have to either send her outside or lock her in our room when most people come over. It’s not unusual for her to spend time running up and down the hall a few times a day. When she wants us to pay attention to her, she will sit in front of us smiling and do the cutest little bark. She doesn’t understand that she is a big dog, so this often is followed with her climbing on our laps. Sophie is a sweet little dog that has bonded to me so much that she hates it when I am not in the same room as her. If the door is closed, she will scratch at it until she is let in. It is not unusual for her to assume she gets to go with me. She is a bit spoiled. Dexter thinks he is the protector of the house. He barks at everybody and everything. He is harmless but doesn’t want the outside world to know. 

Yesterday, they all sensed I was sad. As I laid down in bed, they each had their own special way of letting me know they cared. Dexter laid down quietly on the floor. Aqua curled up to my side. Sophie walked across Aqua, nosed my phone out of my hand, and curled up next to my shoulder. Then, we all slept for about an hour. No one distributed us. It was just the dogs and me. I did not realize how much I needed that until it happened. 

I am feeling better today and better able to focus on helping my dear friend. I am thankful my family gave me the time I needed to be alone and the dogs who just wanted me to feel better. I am truly blessed. 

Why

 I often sit and wonder why this is my life. Why have I face so much death? There has to be a reason. I know the Lord has a plan for me. I just wish that it wasn’t filled with so much heartache sometimes. They say grief is proof that we love and have been loved. I guess that means that I love and am loved very much. 

I called my boss today because I am struggling to wrap my head around simple things that are even the littlest bit out of my daily routine. I told him about my friend, and I started to cry. He told me to take the rest of the day off. I apologized for not getting much work done today and asked if they even believe me anymore when I tell them stuff like this. He told me that not only does he believe me, I am one of only three of his employees that he does believe at face value. That means a lot to me, so why am I still lying here on my bed crying? 

My hubby thinks I just need to leave the house. Not only do I not want to right now, I don’t want to fulfill my responsibilities for the rest of the day. I just want to be lay here numb. I don’t know how else to grieve. 

I’m Sad

Yesterday was an emotional day for a few reasons. First and most important, my friend’s husband passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack. (I’m not going to identify the friend because it is not my place to do so.) I want to help her so bad, but I don’t know what I can do to help. She had me respond to another text she received about another funeral at our church. I took care of that, and I offered to take care of the Young Women as long as needed. I will not be as good at it as she is, but I can do my best. For now, that is all I can do. I am sad that he is gone. I am sad that my friend has to live with this agony. I don’t even know what I would do if I lost my husband. For me, it is one of those unimaginable pains that I hope not to feel for many years. 

Second, my children had to face the backlash of my last entry. I really didn’t see that coming. Sean was very upset that he “finally” got to speak on the phone to his dad just to be told not to come to their weekly meet up. I hugged him as he cried. I remember the feeling of abandonment when my mom would do stuff like that. I remember feelings of “why is my sibling good enough, but I’m not.” It is a pain I never wanted my children to feel, but I can’t prevent it from happening. On top of that, my daughter was confronted about it. Neither one of them knew what I had done on a hunch. I’m not going to take it down because I write for me, but I wish I had know what the backlash would have been. I don’t get many views on this blog, and unless I am writing for school, I treat this as a journal of sorts. If the ex and his wife want to continue to cyber stalk me, I guess I will take it as a compliment from now on. I must be a really interesting person. 

Today, I am sad. I’m sad my kids are hurting. I am sad my friend is hurting. I wish I could take their pain away. 

Stop It!

To my ex-husband's wife:

Stop It! Stop reading my blog. Stop taking the lies that your husband says about me and my religion and attempting to use them against me. Stop acting like you know me, my personality, my likes and dislikes, my political affiliation, etc. I have only talked to you a few times about trivial things. You have not taken the time to get to know me. You are more interested in talking crap about me than actually trying to find out what is true. Stop treating my kids like crap and talking bad about them when they are not there. 

I love my kids more than I love myself. They are my world. The main complaint my ex-husband voiced while we were married was that I ignored him to take care of the children too much. He said I was not strict enough with them, and I coddled them too much. I agree with this assessment. My current husband has said the same thing many times. 

Just so you know, I continually deal with the mental trauma he put me though for the 12ish years we were married. I do not care if you believe that he was the abusive one. I just need you to stop telling my daughter that I am a horrible person.

Thank you for being a fan of my blog. 

Rosa

P.S. I blocked you on FB because there is no reason for you to be looking me up on there so much, and I thought it was creepy. 

My Sweet Sean

Since I was pregnant with Sean, his father has made it obvious that he was not as interested in this child. He even accused me of having an affair saying the baby was not his. (Looking back, I think he was cheating and would have felt better I was as well.) This attitude continued after he was born. 

Sean's dad seemed to be excited for him to be born and went to all of the doctor appointments leading up to his birth. However, within a few hours of Sean's birth, he left the hospital to get Eric and go home. This left Sean and I alone in the hospital for the night. The next day, he brought Eric to the hospital, and I took care of both boys for a while. 

Once we were all home, I thought we were as happy as we could be with a toddler and a newborn. As I struggled to take care of the boys, he would put on a video in the mornings as Eric and I cuddled on the floor and Sean slept in the swing next to me so I could get some sleep. When Sean had RSV, the dad would take care of Eric at night if needed as I slept in a chair with my sick baby. He even worked two jobs for about the first 6 months of Sean's life to try to pay off some debt. 

During the first year or two of Sean's life, it was rare for me to be seen without him. If I tried to go out without the boys, Sean would scream the whole time I was gone. When I would get home, I would walk in to my husband at the time looking disheveled, and Sean sweating and red faced from crying for an hour or two. I would feel so bad knowing all my precious boy wanted was me, so I rarely left him behind. This never happened when he was left with grandparents.

Now, let's fast forward to the past year. I was told last summer that the kids' step-mother and step-sister were counting down the days until Sean turned 18. They had figured that Sean would stop going to their house on the weekends as Eric did not long after his 18th birthday. Instead, Sean kept going and was tagged as the reason for strife in their house. In reality, he was not going to make them miserable. He was going to try to spend time with his father. 

In January, Sean erupted in anger towards his step-brother and the friends of the step-brother that were there for a birthday party. At this point, Sean was told he did not have to return to their house. To me, Sean was kicked out. To Sean, he was finally given to choice to not have to be there. 

After this, the kids' father would only communicate with Noel about Tuesday nights (a time he has spent with the kids since the divorce). He often cancels, and if Noel forgets to tell him, Sean puts his shoes on when it is time to be picked up and paces the living room until he finally gives up and asks Noel what is going on. It is heartbreaking to watch. Even when Noel does remember to tell Sean, he is sad and frustrated that his dad does not care enough to tell him that he is canceling himself. 

Tonight, we got in a conversation about relatives with mental illness at dinner. We talked about my mom and his dad. We talked about the issues their mental illness has caused us. I mentioned how my mom leaving and not telling us where she was for a while affected me (essentially causing abandonment issues). He said he felt the same issues because he has never felt his dad actually cared about him. This broke my heart. I have been trying for all of these years to make up for what his was not getting from his dad thinking that my efforts would be enough. Apparently, I was wrong. Even with my husband and I doing everything would could to assure Sean knows he is loved, he still feels the lack of it from his father. 

I really wish there was something I could do to counteract the rejection my child has experienced since before he was born, but there isn't. Not even the love from another father figure makes up for what his biological father lacks. My mommy heart is breaking for my sweet Sean tonight. 

I am Not Broken

A man tried to rape me. 

It broke me.

I was sent away while he was allowed to stay.

It broke me. 

My mom and brother died. 

It broke me. 

I was accused of only caring about her money. 

It broke me. 

I was told I was selfish in my grief. 

It broke me. 

I was told the one person who would let me grieve was bad. 

It broke me. 

I lost the close relationship I had with my dad.

It broke me.

I was mentally and emotionally abused by my spouse.

It broke me. 

I am no longer that broken person.

I am gathering up the pieces.

I am sealing it with gold. 

I am stronger and more valuable because I was broken. 

I will never be the same. 

I am better. 

Becoming Patient

 Praying for patience

Praying for patience this week has brought reasons to be more patient. Monday, Noel went to in for a well check up at a new-to-her doctor's office. I switched her to my doctor's office because I did not feel we had been listened to at the office we had been going to. I asked them about some discoloration in her skin that we have been asking about for the past few years. They are concerned about them in combination with how often she has been sick over the past few years. They said she may have a rare neurological disorder that can cause problems with her brain and spine. They referred us to specialists at Children's hospital. We are now waiting for the genetics department to call back to find out when she will be able to have an appointment and what sub group she has to see. There will be a lot of waiting to find out if she has this and how it will affect the rest of her life. Tuesday, she stayed home sick because of the affects from the shots she received. Wednesday, she called me from school with the same symptoms to pick her up. Also, that day, Sean was home sick. I took off work early to take him into the walk-in clinic. We waited around for a while and decided to come home because I had to get to another appointment. Sean stayed home again Thursday. I was not able to have time to myself until last night. We will see how the rest of this experiment goes. So far, the worst part is the waiting to see if my sweet girl has a genetic disorder that can affect how much pain she experiences for the rest of her life. 

Sean and Noel Drive

My goal for this week was to have each of the kids with permits driver everyday of the week. This would help me with my patience because I get tense when they drive, and it would help them driver better because they would get more practice. I forgot to take them out twice, but I did have both of them drive Wednesday. Each time Sean gets better which makes it easier to be patient with him. Noel, on the other hand, is getting better slower and continues to tell me that she knows what she is doing. This is not helpful for her learning to drive, and it tries my patience. I will continue working with them. (I kind of have to anyway.) I have learned though that part of my issue is that I am so afraid of getting into an accident because of how my mom and brother died that I need to have someone else take Noel out to help her in a calmer manner. Me being scared when she drives is not helping her, and I do not think this is something I have as much control over because of the previous trauma. 

Listening with Patience

This week, I had the opportunity to take my daughter and two other young women to the temple for baptisms. Counting Noel, there were two 16 year-olds and one 12 year-old in the car. In the past, this could cause me issues, but it did not this time As I drove, I listened to them talk about driving experiences, their friends, school, other temple experiences, and much more. We laughed and joked and sang songs. At the time I did not think of my goal of being more patient. I just enjoyed the company of these wonderful young women. I am thankful for the opportunity I had take them and for the work I have done in being more patient so I can thoroughly enjoy their company.

I, also, had a good experience talking to my husband one night. He was feeling frustrated and depress but did not want to talk about it. I gave him another day before I went to him telling him I knew it wasn't necessarily me that was causing the issue. (I have a problem with thinking that people are always mad at me.) He told me about his problems with work. I feel like it was a good interaction where he could feel loved and listened to without me interrupting. 

He Will Answer

James 1:5 says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him as of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

Most members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints recognize this verse as the verse that Joseph Smith read before going into the Sacred Grove (a grove a trees by his house) and being told by the Lord to not join any church because the gospel had not yet been fully restored to the earth. In the years to follow, he would be lead to the Gold Plates which would be translated to become The Book of Mormon. 

We can break this scripture down to more fully understand it to guide us in our lives as well. When looking at it, my first question has always been, "What does 'upbraideth' really mean?" We can guess based on the context and come up with a good idea. I looked at the footnotes which tells us that it means "reproaches or censures." Now, what does that mean? According to Merriam-Webster, censure means, "to find fault and criticize as blameworthy." Dictionary.com says that reproach means, "to find fault with..." Next, we will look at what wisdom is. Many people believe that book knowledge gives us wisdom. I disagree. It may help, but it could also hinder the acquisition of wisdom. We know that people who have wisdom are wise, so I looked up "wise" on dictionary.com which tells us that it means, "having the power of discerning and judging properly..." This does take knowledge, but it also takes experience. I see it this way. I can learn from a recipe how to bake something, but it takes experience to really make it well. This is the process of gaining wisdom in many things. The last word I wanted to look at is "liberally." There are no footnotes for this in this specific verse. My favorite definition was from Merriam-Webster.com. It says, "given or provided in a generous and openhanded way." 

The next step is to put this all together to better understand this verse that is quoted so often that many do not take the time to truly understand it. It is telling us that when we do not have the power to judge or properly discern something, we can ask God. he will generously provide answers without criticizing or finding fault in our request.  That is such a powerful message! 

There is no question too small or too big. Heavenly Father loves us so much that He wants to provide us a way back to him. When we struggle and don't understand, He will help us. In Doctrine and Covenants 88:63 we read, "...seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock and it shall be opened unto you."

I know that asking with faith is a great comfort, protection, and guidance. Even when I struggled with my testimony, I continued to pray knowing that I would be given answers. We were not put here on the earth with a "good luck." We have been given guidance through living prophets, scriptures, and personal revelation given us as we pray with faith. 

God Gives us Power, Love, and Sound Mind

 2 Timothy 1:7-8 says, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord.." 

Since God wants us to feel power and love and have a sound mind. He also wants us to not be afraid of sharing our testimony. This lesson hit me hard. I have been afraid to share about the gospel on social media since the last election because I had gotten some contentious comments that made me shy away from sharing gospel or humor related memes. This means I was afraid to share my testimony in a way that I had felt free to share in the past. I need to move past this fear and once again be happy to share the gospel. 

I am happy to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am had many experiences that have helped me grow my testimony. If asked, I tell people why I feel this way. 

I know that Heavenly Father helps us love others. October 2020, President Oaks gave a talk entitled, "Love Your Enemies" in which he speaks of the animosity around the election. He tells us that we should not treat people poorly just because they have different points of view. He reminds us, "The Savior's teaching to love our enemies is based on the reality that all mortals are beloved children of God."

I learned a really good lesson about piece of mind when the world was shut down at the beginning of the pandemic. I was worried about how it would affect my oldest child because he lost his prom and thought he would lose his graduation as well. About a year prior he was also depressed, and I was worried that he would be again. I did not know how to help him. One day, I went on a walk and prayed for my boy. After I wrapped up my prayer, I kept walking to feel the calm. At this time, I could feel the Lord speaking to me. He told me to trust the process. I was not sure what that was going to look like, but I made the decision to do just that. As I listened to the recommendations and the prophet, I felt peace. Graduation did not look like what we had originally imagined, but he did graduate. I felt at peace when I decided to be vaccinated. It did not bother me when I was told to wear a mask. I got used to working from home (the thing that turned out to be a bigger blessing than I had expected). 

I know that the Lord does not want me to fear the events in going on in the world. He want me to feel love, power, and peace. 

Obey God's Will

 As I have said before, we live in a confusing, troubling time. There are wars we know about, and some we do not. We have been trying to recover from a world wide pandemic for the past two years. There are protests about things that matter to some but not to others. Priorities seem to have shifted from helping our neighbor to proving they are wrong when they do not agree with your opinions. In all of this confusion and uproar, how do we know which side to take? How do we know we are following the right advise?

As a follower of Christ, I can find these answers in the scriptures. Romans 12:2 says, "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." We should be asking ourselves, is what we are saying or doing in accordance to Heavenly Father's commandments? 

If we seek to prove someone wrong instead of loving them despite our differences, are we acting in accordance to God's will? What do the scriptures say? John 13:34 says, "...love one another; as I have loved you..." He does not give an exception. We are to simply love unconditionally, as Heavenly Father and Jesus do. 

We have been warned many times in the scriptures that there would be people who would lose their faith. I, personally, have seen this happen with many people in the past 10 or more years, especially since the beginning of the pandemic. Two years ago, we were suddenly cut off from people outside our immediate households for the most part. For some, we still are. For others, there has been a slow transition back to a semblance of what it was like before we were asked to stay home. Being kept from Church, we were left to find a way to teach our families from home. Thankfully, there are many resources on the Church website that could assist us. There is also other information available online. Unfortunately, some of this information lead people away from the truth "...giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared..." (1 Timothy 4:1-2). 

When we follow God's will, we receive blessings. We learn in 1 Timothy 4:16 that when we "...heed...unto the doctrine..." we will "...save (ourselves), and them them that hear (us)." This is a great blessing. It tells us that we will accomplish the great goal of eternal salvation. 

Faith Through Tribulation

I have been through so many hard things in my life: my parents' divorce, the loss of my mom and brother when I was in high school, facing the infidelity of a spouse and subsequent divorce, and the list can go on. There was a time when I thought I was broken and forgotten. I made some regrettable decisions, but they led me to where I am today. 

This week, I learned a lot about how following the Lord though faith can help us. Romans 8:31-32 says, "What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him for us all, how shall he not with him also freely five us things?" This tells us that putting our trust in God does not keep us from hardships, but it gives us protections we can not get anywhere else. He did not save Christ from being betrayed by Judas, being whipped, having a crown of thorns placed on His head, and being crucified even though this was His only begotten Son. This was allowed to happen because of its purpose. If God would allow this horrible thing to happen to Jesus because of the future implication, why would He not do the same for us. 

In 2009, my husband at the time gave me a blessing that I would know of his love and devotion to me. Then, he left to meet up with a girl with whom he was cheating. I spent the majority of the rest of the night finding evidence of this betrayal on his computer. For years I did not understand why this was allowed to happen. As we were studying the New Testament in Sunday School, and I was studying the Old Testament I had a realization. My now ex-husband was able to give me this blessing not because of his worthiness; it was because of mine. Since I had the faith to ask for the blessing, I was given the real answers. The knowledge that he was not as dedicated to our family as he claimed. This lesson too longer than I would like to admit to figure out, but it is not a lesson I will forget. 

Why was I allowed to go though this trial? I believe it was because of the lessons I learned from this. I have become a better person and hope to be able to help others with this knowledge as well. 

I do not know why I have gone through other things in my life, but I have faith that I will learn at some point. I have faith that there will be blessings waiting for me in the next life. In 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18, we are told that our afflictions are "but for a moment," and we learn that we may not see the blessing of going through these trails with faith in this life. We may have to wait for the eternal blessings earned from these acts of faith. That does not mean that we are here just to suffer and wait for the rewards. In 2 Nephi 2:25, it says, "...men are, that they might have joy."

Who Do We Trust?

We have so many uncertainties in the world today and so many messages that can make the world even more confusing. There are men and women that people look up to who have a lot of education or life experience. The problem is that their words do not always bring us peace or understanding. The best way to feel peace is to trust God and His messengers. 

1 Corinthians 2:10 says, "...your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God." This tells us that when there is any question as to who we should be listening to when we are uncertain, we should follow the advise that aligns with the teaching of our Heavenly Father. 

There are many issues where this applies. One issue that gets brought up a lot is the idea of what makes a family. This was addressed September 23, 1995 in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. It tells us that "marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God." It also tells us the roles of the husband and wife and the consequences when chastity is violated or in cases of abuse. There are many who believe that this is outdated. People will stand up for abuse victims, but they will defend the right of those who choose infidelity. We cannot get these messages confused. Infidelity hurts a family, too. It is not a physical hurt, it is an emotional one. 

You may say that this is not a difficult issue to understand, but there are many others that are not as black and white. There are other resources that can answer those questions as well. For example, many research study in the past few years have come out saying that a glass of wine a day is healthy. Does that me we can indulge in a glass of wine day? We can check the scriptures for the answer to that. Doctrine and covenants 89:4-5 tells us, "...In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forwarn you, by giving you this word of wisdom by revelation - That inasmuch as nay man drinketh wine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good..." 

It does not matter how long ago these revelations were received. If the "wisdom" of the world is contrary to what the Lord has told us, we should not follow it. 

The Example of Stephen

 This week, I studied Acts 1-18. I think that is was the first time I have really read and paid attention to this block of scripture. I was impressed with the story of Stephen. Stephen was called to assist the apostles. In this calling, "Stephen, full of faith and power, did great wonders and miracles among the people." (Acts 6:8) When people were being blasphemous and speaking against Moses's teachings, he recounted the teachings and actions of Moses. Then, he rebuked the people saying, "Ye stiffnecked and uncircumcised in heart and ears, ye do always resist the Holy Ghost: as your fathers did, so do ye." (Acts 7:51) This made the crowd more angry. For retribution, they kicked him out of the city and stoned him. As he was being stoned, he called out to God. Most impressive to me were his final words. He said, "Lord, lay not this sin to their charge." (Acts 7:60)

This is really all we know about Stephen, but there is so much to learn from him. First of all, in a time when Christ's followers were being dispersed and persecuted, Stephen accepted a calling to assist the apostles. I have to believe that this was a act of bravery. He knew that by following them and serving with them, he was in danger. Second, he was willing to speak up for the truth knowing that the majority did not believe in what he was teaching. Finally, as he died he sought forgiveness for those who were killing him. 

When looking at Stephen's bravery, we can ask ourselves if we would be willing to put ourselves in these situations. In 2 Nephi 25:26 we learn, "We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophesies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins." As we teach our children, we can teach others around us as well. One of the best ways to teach of Christ is by being a good example to everyone around us. If we do not act in accordance to what we are teaching, no one will listen to what we have to say. Along with behaving in accordance to Christ's teachings, we should speak freely about Christ. In his talk, We Talk of Christ,  Elder Neil L. Anderson says, "Be more open on social media in talking about your trust in Christ. Most will respect your faith..." He also tells us to tell people about our experiences from attending church when we are asked about our weekend. He reminds us that we do not need to expect our conversation to lead to the person coming to church or meeting with missionaries right away. When we set the example and put aside our fears, we can teach about the gospel as Stephen did. 

Stephen seeking forgiveness for those who were actively killing him shows how Christlike he was. When Christ was hanging on the cross and in pain, He called out to his father saying, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34) Most of us have a hard time forgiving someone who has said something mean to us or about us. Both Stephen and Jesus forgave the people who were taking their lives and asked God to forgive them as well. This is a trait that would be worth trying to develop to help bring us peace and show love for everyone. 

Stephen was a remarkable man. We know little about him, but from the two chapters that talk about him, we can learn some very important messages. 

My Mom Made a Huge Impact

 It is interesting how trauma affects us. I lost my mom and brother suddenly in a car accident when I was 18. Here we are almost 25 years later. I am not sad all of the time anymore. I have learned to live with the grief for the most part. There are things that bring back the horrible grief. It can be the simplest thing, but if it reminds me of them, I can be swallowed by grief. 

This week has been a triggering week, and I think it will continue on through the month of June. My mom was a lesbian. This was something she struggled with in a world that did not accept people with same-sex attraction. My mother never got to live in a world where people were accepting of and celebrating gay and lesbian people. She did not get to feel this kind of love. She was made to feel ashamed. 

I remember the day my mom came out to me. It was the winter of 1992. She and I were living in a hotel in Indianapolis, and she was driving me to school. As we got on the highway, she asked me if I would still love her if she were gay. I did not understand why she would even have to ask that question. I was 13. She was my mom. My love for her was unconditional. It still is. Of course, I told her that I loved her no matter what. 

My mom was forced to live a heterosexual life. I can imagine that it was difficult for her. She told me so. She did feel love for my father, but it just wasn't the same. She loved her children; she had a testimony of Jesus Christ; and she had a hard time fitting into this lifestyle. 

I was the daughter of a mother who left our family to be in a lesbian relationship. I went through half of middle school and all of high school calling my mom's girlfriend her roommate. At a dance, a boy told me that I was pretty, and it would be a shame I were to turn out like my mom (meaning "becoming a lesbian). I punched him and walked away. After that, I would rarely tell people about my mom unless I knew them well enough to open up to them. In fact, I got to the point that I would not open up to many people about anything period. I became an expert at holding in my feelings and keeping my secrets. 

I feel alone quite often. I know I created this bubble to keep myself safe, but it is a lonely bubble. I know my mom felt alone her struggles as well. The circumstances that she felt forced into have forced us both into a world where we feel alone. She had to feel she was doing something wrong by loving a woman. I have to wonder if I would even exist had she been able to come out as a teenager instead of in her 30s. 

As I see friends and family celebrate their children who have come out, I can feel the love they have for them. At the same time, I wonder how things would have been different if my mom had felt comfortable to come out when she was younger. Would I have been born? Would I have been able to know the mom with the infectious smile that made everyone she met feel welcome and accepted? There will always be questions that won't be answered until I see her again. One thing I know for sure is that I love my mom. She had her struggles (there were many). I am thankful for the time I got to have her in my life, and the things I learned from her while I had the chance.