I have chosen a major because I feel like it is what I am supposed to study. When I tell people what I am studying, I usually get the a response similar to, "What are you going to do with that?" Well, I am am going to help women get out of marriages like my first one or worse. I am going to help empower the those who feel like they don't have a voice. I am going to help them learn that they are loved for who they are no matter what.
This semester, I am taking Intro to Social Work. I am learning a lot about other cultures and how social work was developed. I am also experiencing some triggers. Learning about how people are treated because of things they cannot control is really hard. I could not control a lot about who I was when I married my first husband. I was never good enough. At one time, I was not enough like his mom. Then, I was too much like his mom. I was told I was stupid, not a good mom, a glorified babysitter, and the list goes on. I had truly felt like I had forgiven him, but it is not that easy. I have to keep working on it as he continues to cut me down, and I learn about more injustices in the world.
I know I have a better life than a lot of people, but that does not take away the fact that I am a survivor of emotional, mental, financial, and spiritual abuse. I hope that some day I can work past this and not have triggers in classes or the real world that bring me into a spiral of depression.
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
Saturday, May 9, 2020
What to do Next
I have been feeling really down because I am not able to complete some of the goals I set for myself. Not being able to go to the temple or Eric's graduation threw me off. Then, races started to be cancelled which made it harder to train for a race that I wasn't sure would happen. So, I am refocusing my goals.
I would still like to lose weight. That means I have to get a handle on my eating and keep running. I still think I can lose 30 pounds this year. It will just be a higher number in the end. I did this a few years ago. I need to be as disciplined as I was then.
I can still work on the time goal. I actually would like to get to a 12 minute mile this year. It seems like a better goal. When I looked at my stats from last year, I realized that I ran a 12:30 mile at Ragnar. That means I can do even better this year if I work at it even if I can only run virtual races.
When I comes to spiritual goals, I am making those week by week for the most part. There is a lot I know I can work on, and I think that working on them week by week will help me focus a bit. I did accomplish listening to the standard works. I didn't finish by General Conference, but I did finish the following week. I am calling this a win.
I need to work on a discipleship goal for a class this semester. I am going to work on reading or listing to the scriptures daily for a minimum of 10 minutes a day. I have fallen of in this goal. I really liked how I felt when I was so focused on the scriptures. I will report on this weekly as part of the assignment.
I would still like to lose weight. That means I have to get a handle on my eating and keep running. I still think I can lose 30 pounds this year. It will just be a higher number in the end. I did this a few years ago. I need to be as disciplined as I was then.
I can still work on the time goal. I actually would like to get to a 12 minute mile this year. It seems like a better goal. When I looked at my stats from last year, I realized that I ran a 12:30 mile at Ragnar. That means I can do even better this year if I work at it even if I can only run virtual races.
When I comes to spiritual goals, I am making those week by week for the most part. There is a lot I know I can work on, and I think that working on them week by week will help me focus a bit. I did accomplish listening to the standard works. I didn't finish by General Conference, but I did finish the following week. I am calling this a win.
I need to work on a discipleship goal for a class this semester. I am going to work on reading or listing to the scriptures daily for a minimum of 10 minutes a day. I have fallen of in this goal. I really liked how I felt when I was so focused on the scriptures. I will report on this weekly as part of the assignment.
Saturday, April 11, 2020
Dusting Myself Off
The COVID 19 pandemic has definitely changed the life of my family. The only person who is still living with the same schedule is Chad because he is a Comcast tech and considered "essential." The kids are doing schoolwork from home, and I have set up a home office in my dining room (not great, but at least I still have a job. I thought it would be an easy transition, but it has not been so easy. Change is always hard, but we are each dealing with it in our own way.
Noel has been doing great with her schoolwork. She wakes up early and gets it done. The problem is that she then has to figure out what to do with the rest of her time. For most of this last week she has been playing her flute and teaching herself how to play "Scripture Power" and a song from Frozen II by ear. I am proud of her for honing in on her passion. The problem is that she is an extrovert. She needs to be around people. Hopefully, this will all be over soon, and she will be able to spend time with her friends.
Sean is my easy going kid. The first few days of doing schoolwork online were rough. Who am I kidding? He has had 2 weeks of this, and it is still a struggle. He sets a timer for 3 hours because that is the estimated amount of time he should be spending per day, but he will not work a minute past that. I am not sure how to convince him that finishing the work is more important than the amount of time he spends on it. This is still a work in progress. He did ask for materials to learn how to draw, though. We got him a sketch pad, a book about drawing people, and a drawing kit. I am hoping that by picking up a new hobby, he will be more willing to work on the required work.
Eric is my biggest struggle. He got a job! He is selling knives over the phone (because he can't go to people's homes). I am so happy for him. He is working harder on this job than he has worked on anything in a long time. The problem is that he is struggling with the motivation to do his schoolwork. He is so close to graduation. I don't want him to miss graduation because his schedule was changed on him and he can't be around his friends. His is my extroverted introvert, and his extrovert side has been struggling a bit.
Chad is still working. He gets to go to people's homes and install or fix their internet or cable tv. His schedule hasn't changed much,but he no longer has a day or two to himself now that the rest of us are home. Thankfully, he is still working!
I still have my job. I am working from home in the corner of my dining room where my sewing machine used to be. That means I get to be between the refrigerator and the back door. This can be a chilly situation, but I am making it work with slipper socks and sweaters. A few days ago, I was told via email that my hours were going to be cut. I don't know much yet, but I am not going to sit around and wait to find out. The day I found out, I started crocheting scrucnchies to sell. Today, I had 14 made and used them to open an Etsy shop. I have plans to make paracord key chains and knitted hats as well. I want to have a good variety of things in the shop to give me a greater hope of making the money that I will be lacking from my regular job. When things get back to some kind of normal, I will keep my shop as a hobby with hopes to for it to help me pay off debt.
Noel has been doing great with her schoolwork. She wakes up early and gets it done. The problem is that she then has to figure out what to do with the rest of her time. For most of this last week she has been playing her flute and teaching herself how to play "Scripture Power" and a song from Frozen II by ear. I am proud of her for honing in on her passion. The problem is that she is an extrovert. She needs to be around people. Hopefully, this will all be over soon, and she will be able to spend time with her friends.
Sean is my easy going kid. The first few days of doing schoolwork online were rough. Who am I kidding? He has had 2 weeks of this, and it is still a struggle. He sets a timer for 3 hours because that is the estimated amount of time he should be spending per day, but he will not work a minute past that. I am not sure how to convince him that finishing the work is more important than the amount of time he spends on it. This is still a work in progress. He did ask for materials to learn how to draw, though. We got him a sketch pad, a book about drawing people, and a drawing kit. I am hoping that by picking up a new hobby, he will be more willing to work on the required work.
Eric is my biggest struggle. He got a job! He is selling knives over the phone (because he can't go to people's homes). I am so happy for him. He is working harder on this job than he has worked on anything in a long time. The problem is that he is struggling with the motivation to do his schoolwork. He is so close to graduation. I don't want him to miss graduation because his schedule was changed on him and he can't be around his friends. His is my extroverted introvert, and his extrovert side has been struggling a bit.
Chad is still working. He gets to go to people's homes and install or fix their internet or cable tv. His schedule hasn't changed much,but he no longer has a day or two to himself now that the rest of us are home. Thankfully, he is still working!
I still have my job. I am working from home in the corner of my dining room where my sewing machine used to be. That means I get to be between the refrigerator and the back door. This can be a chilly situation, but I am making it work with slipper socks and sweaters. A few days ago, I was told via email that my hours were going to be cut. I don't know much yet, but I am not going to sit around and wait to find out. The day I found out, I started crocheting scrucnchies to sell. Today, I had 14 made and used them to open an Etsy shop. I have plans to make paracord key chains and knitted hats as well. I want to have a good variety of things in the shop to give me a greater hope of making the money that I will be lacking from my regular job. When things get back to some kind of normal, I will keep my shop as a hobby with hopes to for it to help me pay off debt.
Saturday, February 22, 2020
Struggling
Today is the fifth day in a row that I have woken up with swollen feet making it difficult to walk without pain. I get the added fun of my hands being swollen as well for the first day. I don't know what is causing this other than my Hoshimoto's disease.
I think food may have something to do with this, but I have been eating better for the most part for the last few weeks. I know I have eaten more junk this week than I did the previous week. I have heard that sugar can be an inflammatory substance. I'm sure there are other things I have eaten that could cause some of these issues. I may have to stick a bit more to the South Beach Diet than I have been. Giving myself a pass for dinner is not working, and the sugary snacks here and there are causing more issues than I thought.
I am tired of feeling this way. I hate that these symptoms show up more in the winter than any other time of year. I just want to go running on a sunny Saturday, but my feet hurting too much for that.
I think food may have something to do with this, but I have been eating better for the most part for the last few weeks. I know I have eaten more junk this week than I did the previous week. I have heard that sugar can be an inflammatory substance. I'm sure there are other things I have eaten that could cause some of these issues. I may have to stick a bit more to the South Beach Diet than I have been. Giving myself a pass for dinner is not working, and the sugary snacks here and there are causing more issues than I thought.
I am tired of feeling this way. I hate that these symptoms show up more in the winter than any other time of year. I just want to go running on a sunny Saturday, but my feet hurting too much for that.
Wednesday, January 22, 2020
Goal Update
These goals are hard. The hardest one is losing weight. I crave foods that I know will not help me. I am ashamed to admit that I cave in to those cravings probably more often than I realize. I really need to figure out how to get control of those cravings. I have considered going back to the South Beach Diet, but it was so restrictive that I don't know if I could handle it again. I have been planning my breakfasts and lunches for each week on Saturdays to try to get me on track. I don't know if it is working or not. I know most of my problems are coming from snacking after work while making dinner. I need to stop mindlessly eating when I am at home. I will never lose weight this way.
My running is getting back on track. Last year, I trained more than I did the year before, but I was afraid that I would pass out if I pushed too hard because of passing out last spring. Lately, I have been pushing harder than I did last year. I have not passed out yet. I don't think I will. I am just going to keep on going. Last night I couldn't run as hard as I wanted because I ate too much right before. I am going to take it as a lesson learned. I will not eat a big meal before running again. It could make me feel slick.
I am happy to say that I went to the temple last week. I was so glad that I went. I had been a bit weirded out by an audio book I listened to. I asked myself a few questions like, "Do you believe Joseph Smith restored the gospel?" and "Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true?" and "Is President Nelson a true prophet of God?" I was able to answer yes to all of the questions I asked. I was so glad I questioned myself and went to the temple. It was the best I have felt at the temple in a long time. The drastic difference between how I felt on Friday versus Saturday was huge. I hope to never forget how alive I felt as I pushed away my dark feelings and replaced the with the light given by the Holy Ghost.
Chad and I have been working on the "Come, Follow Me" lessons. I have never really studied scriptures with a spouse before. It feel really good!
As far as cleaning and organizing goes, I have been either throwing away or giving away at least 20 things per week. I am shocked at how much I have been able to throw way. Sean organized the pantry last week and threw out more than half of the food because it was past the expiration date. It was really eye opening how much food and money went to waste just because we couldn't find stuff.
My running is getting back on track. Last year, I trained more than I did the year before, but I was afraid that I would pass out if I pushed too hard because of passing out last spring. Lately, I have been pushing harder than I did last year. I have not passed out yet. I don't think I will. I am just going to keep on going. Last night I couldn't run as hard as I wanted because I ate too much right before. I am going to take it as a lesson learned. I will not eat a big meal before running again. It could make me feel slick.
I am happy to say that I went to the temple last week. I was so glad that I went. I had been a bit weirded out by an audio book I listened to. I asked myself a few questions like, "Do you believe Joseph Smith restored the gospel?" and "Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true?" and "Is President Nelson a true prophet of God?" I was able to answer yes to all of the questions I asked. I was so glad I questioned myself and went to the temple. It was the best I have felt at the temple in a long time. The drastic difference between how I felt on Friday versus Saturday was huge. I hope to never forget how alive I felt as I pushed away my dark feelings and replaced the with the light given by the Holy Ghost.
Chad and I have been working on the "Come, Follow Me" lessons. I have never really studied scriptures with a spouse before. It feel really good!
As far as cleaning and organizing goes, I have been either throwing away or giving away at least 20 things per week. I am shocked at how much I have been able to throw way. Sean organized the pantry last week and threw out more than half of the food because it was past the expiration date. It was really eye opening how much food and money went to waste just because we couldn't find stuff.
Saturday, January 4, 2020
I Have Goals
I have goals. I am not afraid to admit that I have an idea of what needs to change by the end of the year. I don't want to give up on myself this year. I am going to continually make small weekly and daily goals to help me get there. I will keep track of these goals in a notebook, but I am planning to check here every so often as well. I need to get past my fears of myself mostly. When I do that, I will be unstoppable!
My goals for this year:
My goals for this year:
- run a 13 minute mile
- finish a half marathon (I signed up for one that most likely won't be canceled this time)
- clean and organize the house
- lose 30 pounds
- fit in my size 14 pants by Eric's graduation
- complete all Come, Follow Me lessons for the year
- go to the temple once a month
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