Continuing to Receive Answers

Life has been hard lately. To say I have felt knocked down is an understatement. Over the past month, I have found myself turning to my Heavenly Father more than ever. Each time, He answers in the ways that I need. It isn't always big, but it doesn't have to be for me to know that He is there, answering my prayers, and caring about my mental wellbeing as well as my spiritual wellbeing. 

This week, I have been in tears several times not knowing how to deal with the pressures and rejections I have been facing. On Tuesday, I went for my regular shift at the temple where I was reminded that it was the right place to be over and over. I could feel the love of Christ as I performed my duties and served the patrons the way the Lord would have me do. On Wednesday, Chad and I took our regular walk. As he always does, he listened to me as I rambled on about my day. When we got close to the end, I told him how I was feeling about the rejection I had recently faced and the stress I was feeling about all of the medical issues in our household right now. When we got back to the house, he sat with me on the sidewalk in front of the house and just let me cry and let my feelings out. I told him I felt like life has been crapping on me since I was 10 (when the grandma that lived with us was diagnosed with cancer and died). He just listened and let me air it all out. I needed that more than anything at that time. Then, my child with no voice asked me to take them to their next specialist appointment. I thought this was going to be a difficult endeavor because I would have to work with both of my bosses to make this happen. I said a prayer and texted them both. I had to ask one to be able to work and hour earlier that day, and I had to let the other know that I would not be able to work the last day of Magic Club for the semester. Both were understanding when I explained what was going on. That was a small answer to my prayers that I needed but wasn't sure would work out. I know most people would look at these things as coincidence or people just being caring, but I choose to see them as God showing me the compassion that I really need right now. 

This morning, I was once again in tears after the second call in about a week in which my parents made sure that I know they will not be helping me in any way and that things are harder for them. (My stepmother has significant health issues, and my dad works very hard at his job.) I understand that my struggles are not as bad as other people, but it would have been nice to be shown some compassion while I'm in the trenches this one time. I prayed this morning, as I usually do, for my child to be healed and to feel God's love once again. Then, I read my scriptures, did my daily affirmations, and got in the shower where I was hit with a stronger wave of depression. I did all I could do at this point. I closed my eyes, looked up to the sky, and just prayed for this feeling to be taken from me. As I got out of the shower, I had a feeling I should listed to a talk from General Conference. I opened the app on my phone and pulled up the next talk in my queue. It was All Who Have Endured Valiantly by David A. Bednar. Just reading the title of the talk helped me know the Lord was listening to my prayers. As I listened to the talk, I was reminded that I am here to grow spiritually. I have been given spiritual gifts to help me and others through this life. I need to look for ways to show charity to others and help them make it through this life as well. I have been shown compassion throughout the last few weeks by people outside of my family such as both of my bosses, the temple workers on my shift whether they know what is happening or not, my husband, and my children. It is my turn to show compassion and serve. Elder Bednar said, "As we follow, love, and serve the Savior, we gradually focus less on our own desires and interests and more on understanding and addressing the needs of others...Charity, then, ultimately possesses us." This is my answer today. I need to stop turning inward and worrying about myself. I need to turn outward and look to help those around me. 

Seeing the Good When Life is Hard

 This past month has been hard. Chad was in the hospital with diverticulitis, one of my children has lost their voice and has to see specialists for it (did you know there is a such thing as a vocal cord specialist), our dog, Dexter, passed away, the politics in this country are horrible causing contention on all sides (I don't handle contention well), and AI is making my main job feel less and less secure. Here's the thing through; I feel like I have been prepared for this difficult time. 

Many years ago (possibly when I was a teenager because I am just that weird), I decided I wanted to memorize as many church hymns as I could. I can't say that I have memorized all of them, but as I paid attention to those that were commonly sang, I started to remember at least the first verse more and more. I have found this talent to be very helpful. When things are hard, I often have a hymn or primary song come into my head. It is a comfort knowing that my weirdness has given me this gift. 

Last month, I watched the Relief Society broadcast. Sister Camille Johnson's talk struck my heart in a special way. The like that will forever stay with me was, "You can do hard with Jesus, or you can do hard alone." This small sentence from this wonderful talk is exactly what I needed to prepare me for what was coming sooner than I had expected. 

I am choosing right now to do hard with Jesus. I am still praying and studying my scriptures. The scriptures give me hope as I read the Book of Mormon and learn about what it was like right before Christ's birth and resurrection. As I pray for miracles, I am seeing them unfold in front of my eyes and am reminded of the miracles I have experienced in the past. This morning as I prayed with gratitude for the miracles in my life, the line from a hymn came to my mind, "There is hope shining brightly before us, and we know that deliverance is neigh."

Life isn't going to get easier just because I can see this glimmer of hope through the clouds, but I know that the Lord wants me to be happy. I know He prepared a way for me to do this as I work my way through this with my family. Will things get better soon? I don't know. Does it still feel like my family is being hammered on with hard things? Yes, but I am choosing to do hard with Jesus. 

My Body Relaxed

Lost week, Chad was in the hospital very sick. He went to the ER under the advice of his primary care and ended up being admitted for a few days. I had just taken a week off of work and was worried about taking more time off. Each day, I would work in the morning until visiting hours began. Then I would head over to the hospital for a few hours, come home and work the rest of my hours for the day. After work, I made dinner and headed back to the hospital until visiting hours were over. Then, I would go home, spend time with the kids, and go to bed. I called out for my shift at the temple and my magic job. Everyone was very understanding. I was exhausted but more worried about him than me. 

Thursday afternoon, he was sent home with antibiotics and a special diet as well as instructions for if this issue happened again. The next few days were a bit difficult because he didn't have as much energy as usual. 

This morning, he was able to do his regular exercise and eat a normal breakfast without pain. It was such a relief! All of a sudden, I felt like I didn't have to check on him continually. During my lunch break, I took a nap as usual. Then, I sat at my desk watching my email for invoices to process. I ended up lying my head back and falling asleep for another hour. I have never done that before! (Thankfully, I work from home , so no one noticed.) I hadn't realized how the events of last week had affected me until I woke up from my unintentional nap. I hope I don't have to go through that again for a long time. 

Feeling Empowered

I just finished Old Fashioned on Purpose by Jill Winger. I love this book! I love that she talks about old fashion habits, routines, and ways of living that can slow down life and make it more satisfying. As I was reading it, I decided to follow her advice about my garden. I had been planning to try to find a way to put part of it in the back yard and some in the front yard because I thought it would be weird to have my front yard covered in fruits and vegetables. She suggested that people living in neighborhoods could tear out their grass and just make it a garden. I don't have an HOA, so this is actually a possibility for me. I have already started to ready the front yard for this. When my neighbor asked what I was doing in the yard, I told him my plans. He seemed to actually like the idea. I can't wait to get this idea really going!

I am also going to work on cultivate a community. In the book, she talks about ways to do this. I have wanted to host dinners more often (I haven't done it since my friend who did it a lot moved). I think I can do it on a small scale periodically. I am currently thinking maybe I'll see if I can get something put together for Memorial Day. I have also been talking about putting together a knitting/crocheting circle for a few years. I even had a plan almost in place with someone at church. We just didn't have a place to do it because my dogs are crazy and she was living with her parents. Now, I know I can reserve a room at the library. (I don't know why I didn't know this sooner. Sean literally did it with his D&D club the summer after he graduated.) I don't know how to recruit people for it, but I want to get it done. 

In the final chapter, she makes the point that if you are considering to doing something, think about it instinctively. When you think about it, do you really hate the idea of doing it or are you just scared because it is something new? I have been considering learning to fix sewing machines and starting a business from my home doing that. I know there is a market for it in my area because the only shop I know of in town has closed. That means people need to either learn how to do it themselves, or they have to drive at least 30 minutes to have it done. I have been diagnosing and fixing mine and Noels machines for a while and have gotten fairly good at cleaning and oiling them as needed. I would love to learn more and really be able to fix machines. Making some money on the side would be an added bonus. I just need to find the classes to learn it which I know can be found online.  

Reading in 2026

One of my goals for the year is to read more books than I have in the past few years now that I don't have assigned reading for school anymore. For many people, reading 24 books in a year is not that hard to do. For me, it is a challenge because I don't know if I have done it when not reading children's books (which I am also reading for my part-time job). I am a bit of a slow reader, but I savor what I'm reading and don't see that changing any time soon. 

One way that I am doing this is by reading at least one nonfiction book each month. So far, this is going really well. I read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People in January, Atomic Habits in February, and I am currently reading Old Fashioned on Purpose which should be done by the end of the month without a problem. These books have definitely added to my knowledge and helped me make some positive changes in my life. 

I have also joined a book club through my local library to help me expand my reading into other genres, keep me accountable with my reading goals, and help me socialize. So far, this book club is helping in all of those ways. Both books we have read so far pushed me a bit outside of my comfort zone. The first book was Then She Was Gone. The story telling was decent in this book but reading about a teenager being tortured and killed gave me nightmares. The next book was The Rose Code. This was a very long book, but I really liked reading the historical aspects of it. I googled parts of the story more than once to see if it was real or fiction and was elated when they were real. When I found out that the main location in the book was not only real but became a museum, I told my husband we need to find a way to go to England to see it. The book we are reading now is Clytemnestra. All I know about it is that it is Mythological fiction. I'm dreading it a bit because I'm not really a fan of mythology, but I will make myself read it all of the way through by next month's meeting (we meet on the third Thursday of each month). I have told myself that I will read each book assigned no matter what for at least a year. If at the end of the year, I decide the book club is not for me, I will just stop going. There are plenty of people on the wait list willing to take my spot if I decide to walk away. Until then, I will enjoy expanding my horizons, learning about subjects I know very little about, and talking to a group of ladies who I would probably not have met in any other way. 

A funny thing has happened as I have worked on reading more along with my other goals for the year. I have been on my phone less, watched TV less, and enjoyed life more. It is amazing how much of life can be enjoyed when I'm not constantly bombarded by the news! I also feel like I am learning more about myself and the world by simply experiencing what it has to offer. I am excited to see how things change as I make these simple adjustments in my life that add up to significant changes in the long run. 

A Bit Odd

 I have always been a bit odd. I don't fit into a lot of boxes. In elementary school, I was the quiet kid that was older and bigger than most of the other kids. As I teenager, I was one of the few people I knew with divorced parents, and I was definitely the only person who had a mother in a relationship with a woman. (It was the 90s. The world was different.) As an adult, I have always been socially awkward and constantly wondering if someone was being nice to me because they actually cared of if they were just being fake. (I have been around so many fake people that I have gotten better at figuring this out quicker.) This made social situations hard for most of my life, but I am caring less and less over the past 5 or 6 years. 

I sit at home working Monday through Friday with little interaction with the outside world during working hours. This has caused me to feel like I'm going crazy more than once. I am constantly on the lookout for things that may indicate I'm mentally ill like my mother. So far, I have only been diagnosed with situational depression. After a while of my husband doing his best to get me out of the house, I started finding my own ways to interact with other people, and I was determined to not change for anyone. 

I joined a virtual book club a few years ago that fizzled out before we finished discussing the first book. (We were reading one chapter a week and discussing it.) The book chosen made me think about myself and my habits differently and helped me embrace the things that made me different. I started knitting and crocheting in church that summer. You know what happened? People started asking me what I was making and complimenting me on my work. There have since been other people, adults and children, knitting and crocheting at church. I wasn't as weird as I thought with this desire. 

About a year later, I started working in the temple. I was worried that I would struggle to learn the things I needed to learn. I was worried that being a divorced and remarried person would make me stand out. I was worried that I would struggle with social situations. None of this was a problem. I learned at the same pace as the other ladies who started around the same time. There are other women who have been divorced and remarried. No one cares that I say odd stuff and talk about death more than the average person. I am accepted and have made friends. 

Doing magic with children has really taken me out of my comfort zone, but kids don't care. They just want to learn magic and play. I have said it many times and feel it even more now that my kids are all grown up: little kids are amazing! I love how even the smallest things are exciting and new to them. Best of all, they just see me as an old lady teaching them magic and have no other judgements of me. 

I have also joined a book club at my local library. When I did this, I worried that the books I like would be too odd for them. It's not. Not everyone likes the same genres, and no one seems to judge others for their likes and dislikes. We are all reading the same book at the same time and expanding our likes and dislikes together. It doesn't matter that I don't know as many literary terms. I just don't talk when they talk about those parts of the books. I will probably understand and be able to talk that way after a few months. For now, I am just another person in the group that has read the book and has opinions.

I know that I make choices that are odd sometimes, and I will continue to do so. The thing is, I don't care anymore. If you don't like my garden in my front yard, don't look at it. If you don't like that I read non-Fiction every morning, that's ok because you aren't the one reading it. If the fact that I have a Barbie display in my bedroom puts you off in some way, who cares? It makes me happy. If you don't like that I'm religious, it doesn't bother me. I will respect your beliefs as long as you respect mine. You don't like that I am politically more in the middle and won't choose who or what I vote for without research? Oh, well. I am don't changing who I am to appease other people. I am different, but everyone should be different. We weren't made to be the exact some. That would make for a very boring existance. 

Magic Money

I have accrued more debt than I want to admit since the pandemic. It's not as much as some people have confessed to, but it is more than I am comfortable having. This debt doesn't count the car or house. It also doesn't include Chad's student loans. (Chad and I have been paying car payments and his student loans through an account that only pulls money from his paychecks for most of our marriage, and that will continue for the foreseeable future.) I am talking about credit cards in only my name. Cards that have been used to pay for trips, clothing, Noel's dental work, and who knows what else. At the beginning of the year, I finally opened my eyes to what I had been doing and calculated how much I owed and how much I paid in just minimum payments. I was shocked! I knew that we would be doing better financially if I hadn't done this, so I prayed for a way to attack this debt. 

During one of my shifts at the temple last month, I took advantage of the quiet moments to pray for guidance. The thought that I had broken something with this debt was dominating my thoughts. As I sat in relative silence, the thought that I should work for my bishop came to my mind. I knew he had started a business teaching kids magic after school and during the summer, but I didn't think he would hire someone for this. I thought that I was crazy for even considering this. I told myself that maybe I should work for his sister who owns a pickleball facility, but I didn't really want to have to drive that far to just make a bit of money to pay off debt. I tried to put it out of my mind and think of other part-time jobs that I could work around my full-time job and the work I do in the temple. (I don't get paid to work in the temple.) A week after I felt prompted to ask the bishop for a job, he and his wife both posted that he was hiring for after school clubs. I knew this was a sign that I needed to do this. I applied right away and was hired the next day. 

Now, I get to learn and teach magic to elementary school kids. It is so much fun! It doesn't even feel like a job! I couldn't have asked for a better way to pay off bills and work in the public. I can't believe I am so lucky to have this job!