I am Not Broken

A man tried to rape me. 

It broke me.

I was sent away while he was allowed to stay.

It broke me. 

My mom and brother died. 

It broke me. 

I was accused of only caring about her money. 

It broke me. 

I was told I was selfish in my grief. 

It broke me. 

I was told the one person who would let me grieve was bad. 

It broke me. 

I lost the close relationship I had with my dad.

It broke me.

I was mentally and emotionally abused by my spouse.

It broke me. 

I am no longer that broken person.

I am gathering up the pieces.

I am sealing it with gold. 

I am stronger and more valuable because I was broken. 

I will never be the same. 

I am better. 

Becoming Patient

 Praying for patience

Praying for patience this week has brought reasons to be more patient. Monday, Noel went to in for a well check up at a new-to-her doctor's office. I switched her to my doctor's office because I did not feel we had been listened to at the office we had been going to. I asked them about some discoloration in her skin that we have been asking about for the past few years. They are concerned about them in combination with how often she has been sick over the past few years. They said she may have a rare neurological disorder that can cause problems with her brain and spine. They referred us to specialists at Children's hospital. We are now waiting for the genetics department to call back to find out when she will be able to have an appointment and what sub group she has to see. There will be a lot of waiting to find out if she has this and how it will affect the rest of her life. Tuesday, she stayed home sick because of the affects from the shots she received. Wednesday, she called me from school with the same symptoms to pick her up. Also, that day, Sean was home sick. I took off work early to take him into the walk-in clinic. We waited around for a while and decided to come home because I had to get to another appointment. Sean stayed home again Thursday. I was not able to have time to myself until last night. We will see how the rest of this experiment goes. So far, the worst part is the waiting to see if my sweet girl has a genetic disorder that can affect how much pain she experiences for the rest of her life. 

Sean and Noel Drive

My goal for this week was to have each of the kids with permits driver everyday of the week. This would help me with my patience because I get tense when they drive, and it would help them driver better because they would get more practice. I forgot to take them out twice, but I did have both of them drive Wednesday. Each time Sean gets better which makes it easier to be patient with him. Noel, on the other hand, is getting better slower and continues to tell me that she knows what she is doing. This is not helpful for her learning to drive, and it tries my patience. I will continue working with them. (I kind of have to anyway.) I have learned though that part of my issue is that I am so afraid of getting into an accident because of how my mom and brother died that I need to have someone else take Noel out to help her in a calmer manner. Me being scared when she drives is not helping her, and I do not think this is something I have as much control over because of the previous trauma. 

Listening with Patience

This week, I had the opportunity to take my daughter and two other young women to the temple for baptisms. Counting Noel, there were two 16 year-olds and one 12 year-old in the car. In the past, this could cause me issues, but it did not this time As I drove, I listened to them talk about driving experiences, their friends, school, other temple experiences, and much more. We laughed and joked and sang songs. At the time I did not think of my goal of being more patient. I just enjoyed the company of these wonderful young women. I am thankful for the opportunity I had take them and for the work I have done in being more patient so I can thoroughly enjoy their company.

I, also, had a good experience talking to my husband one night. He was feeling frustrated and depress but did not want to talk about it. I gave him another day before I went to him telling him I knew it wasn't necessarily me that was causing the issue. (I have a problem with thinking that people are always mad at me.) He told me about his problems with work. I feel like it was a good interaction where he could feel loved and listened to without me interrupting. 

He Will Answer

James 1:5 says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him as of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

Most members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints recognize this verse as the verse that Joseph Smith read before going into the Sacred Grove (a grove a trees by his house) and being told by the Lord to not join any church because the gospel had not yet been fully restored to the earth. In the years to follow, he would be lead to the Gold Plates which would be translated to become The Book of Mormon. 

We can break this scripture down to more fully understand it to guide us in our lives as well. When looking at it, my first question has always been, "What does 'upbraideth' really mean?" We can guess based on the context and come up with a good idea. I looked at the footnotes which tells us that it means "reproaches or censures." Now, what does that mean? According to Merriam-Webster, censure means, "to find fault and criticize as blameworthy." Dictionary.com says that reproach means, "to find fault with..." Next, we will look at what wisdom is. Many people believe that book knowledge gives us wisdom. I disagree. It may help, but it could also hinder the acquisition of wisdom. We know that people who have wisdom are wise, so I looked up "wise" on dictionary.com which tells us that it means, "having the power of discerning and judging properly..." This does take knowledge, but it also takes experience. I see it this way. I can learn from a recipe how to bake something, but it takes experience to really make it well. This is the process of gaining wisdom in many things. The last word I wanted to look at is "liberally." There are no footnotes for this in this specific verse. My favorite definition was from Merriam-Webster.com. It says, "given or provided in a generous and openhanded way." 

The next step is to put this all together to better understand this verse that is quoted so often that many do not take the time to truly understand it. It is telling us that when we do not have the power to judge or properly discern something, we can ask God. he will generously provide answers without criticizing or finding fault in our request.  That is such a powerful message! 

There is no question too small or too big. Heavenly Father loves us so much that He wants to provide us a way back to him. When we struggle and don't understand, He will help us. In Doctrine and Covenants 88:63 we read, "...seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock and it shall be opened unto you."

I know that asking with faith is a great comfort, protection, and guidance. Even when I struggled with my testimony, I continued to pray knowing that I would be given answers. We were not put here on the earth with a "good luck." We have been given guidance through living prophets, scriptures, and personal revelation given us as we pray with faith.