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Today, I miss my mom. I go through days like this. This doesn't mean I am constantly mourning over their loss. I just have days where I want my mom to put her arms around me and hold me again. I don't have a person that can do that for me anymore. One time, at the temple, I could swear I could feel her arms around me, but that hasn't happened since. Yes, I have John. That is great. I do like to lay in his arms. It is just not the same.
I push away any mother figure in my life because I feel like I am disrespecting my mom. I really don't want to do that. No matter how long she has been gone, she is still my mom.
I know where her body is. That doesn't help. I could tell at the first viewing that she wasn't there anymore. Yes, going to the cemetery did help when I was mourning the most (you know, the first few years).
I get so jealous of other women and their moms sometime. When I read a blog about how someone misses their mom, I think, "At least, you can still hear their voice." I know that is heartless. I'm sorry. I know that you all do really miss your moms. I am just jealous. I'm not even sure I remember what her voice sounds like anymore.
When I was in Arizona visiting my aunt (the same aunt my mom was going to visit), we watched a video from a pool party that the family had sometime after my grandmas funeral. (Yes, I know that is strange, but that is just what happened. I don't think it was planned that way.) I saw my brother. He was 12. I heard his voice, knowing that was not how it sounded when he was 19. I was hoping to see my mom and hear her voice too. I did see her hair, I think. I didn't get to hear her voice.
My mom was bipolar. She didn't make great choices after my grandma died. My teenage years were hectic. My mom left when I was 13. We did get to visit her, but it wasn't the same. My dad did his best to raise us from that point on. Does that mean I love my mom less? No. I can't judge my mom for things that she did. I don't know what her state of mind was when she did them.
I wish she had journals I could read just so that I could know what she was feeling and when. Just so that I can know her as more than just my mom.
I'm sorry about all of the ramblings. Today is starting off as what I call a, "I need my mom day."
6 comments:
You are such a strong person, Rosa. I don't know many who could survive as well as you have without their mom's close by. I'm sad you're having an "I need my mom day" and wish I could be there, even though I know it wouldn't help much. I'd let you hold my baby and then your day would switch to a "Man, I'm so glad I'm not his mom day". LOL!!! (Poor boy, he's only 3 weeks old and I'm already making fun of him.) Hope your day gets better. :)
I can't imagine how hard it must be to not have your mom around any more but I have seen my cousin go through it and I can say you are one strong sister. I don't think your mom would begrudge you to have a close relationship with another motherly figure, I think, if anything, she would want you to have that since she can't be here to do it herself. It wouldn't change how much you love her.
I had no idea you lost your mom at such a vulnerable age. Young girls need their moms so much. I bet it has been hard with the birth of each of your children to not have her there. I am so sorry. Isn't it crazy how years pass, but the need for her doesn't, nor does the pain of her loss?
This must be very hard for you. I can't imagine being without my mom. Thank you for the reminder to appreciate her while I have her.
Thank you for sharing this. I know that you went through an incredibly difficult time, and I think that you are only human if it still hurts every once in awhile. You have grown to be a beautiful person, a dedicated wife and mother, and an inspiration to your friends. I know that your mom is proud of you and I know that she loves you still, with all her heart.
{{HUGS}} I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time. I know that nothing we can say will make it better. I hope that you're able to take some comfort wherever you can find it and feel better again.
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