October 15

Sean was baptized by his Grandpa Crumpley (he is the expert, you know).

I was so proud of him for making this decision.

Eric's Favorite Tradition

When going through the mound of paper in Eric's backpack, I came across and assignment he had done about his favorite tradition. As in the past, I am going to copy exactly what he wrote including punctuation.

My favorite tradition is when we eat chicken on the 4th of July. It was my mom's idea. We usually get KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken). On the side, we get macoroni. My brother, Sean, is always dejected and thinks we should get McDonald's. But then I say, "So what?: Anyway, back to the tradition. My favorite part of the tradition is that the chicken is delicious. It's so delicious, I always crave it! Whenever July 4th comes around, I feel triumphant inside, because that's the day I can eat the best chicken in the world! As you may have noticed, I love to eat chicken on the 4th of July.

 

Lost Dog

Our dog, Lexie, ran off on Friday. She is a sweet dog. My poor boy misses her so much!  I hope we can find her soon.

Where Did I Go Wrong?

I don't know what is wrong with me today. I know I have a pretty good life. I have good kids, a job, and I am starting back at school on Monday. The thing is, I feel really depressed today. I keep thinking of the things that have gone wrong in my life.

I never wanted to be a single mom, and I didn't get married to get divorced. I got married when I was 20, and we were sealed in the temple a year and a half later. I lived a very strict lifestyle for most of my marriage. No matter what I did or didn't do, I was never good enough. I didn't clean the house well. I didn't take care of the kids properly. I had medical issues that made it hard to get pregnant. I didn't do anything like his mom in the beginning. Then, I was too much like his mom. I wasn't religious enough. Then, I was too religious. I had gotten to the point that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was one person at work, another at home, and another at church. What it all boiled down to was he cheated on me several times and finally left me for someone else.

I try to be a good mom. I have people tell me that I am. Most people that have babysat my kids tell me they are good kids. The problem is that I can't keep them in bed, get them to eat most of my cooking, or do their homework with out a struggle.

I feel like Eric's teacher blames me when he doesn't do his school work. I do make sure he gets his homework done most of the time. When he comes home with unfinished work from the last month it frustrates me. This kid spends most of his day in school, misses his only 15 or 20 minute recess most of the time, and I have to try to keep him engaged for one or two hours when he gets home. She has him call me and tell me the work he needs to complete, and today he didn't even have that work at home for me to help him. I want to be a good mom, but how can I when my almost 10 year old doesn't even bring home the work.

Noel is very clingy lately. I don't totally know why. I know she doesn't like that I have to work so much, but that is not something that is going to change. Without another income, I have to work as much as possible. It seems to be worse for the first few nights after she spends the weekend with her dad. I wish there was something I could do that would help her, but nothing I do works.
Sean is a sweet boy. I do feel lucky that he has adjusted to change well. I wish he didn't try to follow his brother's lead so much. I need to find a way to teach him that he is special just because he is Sean, not because he is Eric's little brother.

My job is a job. Some days it is ok. Other days it sucks. I should probably get a new job, but lately I lack the motivation to apply to more jobs. I had an interview in April that I felt really good about, but I got turned down for the job. That was the fourth or fifth interview that didn't work out. I was so discouraged that I decided not to even try for a while. Now, I just don't feel like I have the time.

My life is not how I thought it would be at 33, and not how I want it to be by the time I am 34. I do like my life most of the time. I just have days where I look at my circumstances and feel depressed. I want more out of life. I want to be a man to put his arms around me and tell me he loves me. I want to have a job that makes a difference. I can't even call my mom to vent. My sister and dad are great, but sometimes I just want my mom.

It's Thursday...Update Time!

I have been doing better at getting my work outs in. Having that jar on the counter to track my time working out helps with the motivation a lot! I have decided that I am going to do a girls night at my house when the jar is filled. I am going to get the Wii out and have everyone bring snacks and just have fun. I am happy to announce that I get to go to Walmart and buy some pretty yarn this weekend! I haven't lost any weight, but I am hoping that is soon to follow.

My house is cleanish most of the time. I think I am just going to keep doing my best rather than make a specific goal. I have been so busy cleaning up after mice, that I can't even think about one specific room cleaned and vacuumed every day (not that I am not cleaning my house).

I am going back to Everest Online University. I started the process yesterday, and if everything goes well, I will be starting classes on October 17. I will be finishing up my Associates in Business for now and go from there. I need to make a better life for me and my kids. I want to be the example they deserve. I want to be happy in my career.

I'm In Love!

The screen saver on my computer cycles though my pictures.  Every time I look at it I see my beautiful children as they grow up. I am so lucky to be their mom!