I don't know what is wrong with me today. I know I have a pretty good life. I have good kids, a job, and I am starting back at school on Monday. The thing is, I feel really depressed today. I keep thinking of the things that have gone wrong in my life.
I never wanted to be a single mom, and I didn't get married to get divorced. I got married when I was 20, and we were sealed in the temple a year and a half later. I lived a very strict lifestyle for most of my marriage. No matter what I did or didn't do, I was never good enough. I didn't clean the house well. I didn't take care of the kids properly. I had medical issues that made it hard to get pregnant. I didn't do anything like his mom in the beginning. Then, I was too much like his mom. I wasn't religious enough. Then, I was too religious. I had gotten to the point that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was one person at work, another at home, and another at church. What it all boiled down to was he cheated on me several times and finally left me for someone else.
I try to be a good mom. I have people tell me that I am. Most people that have babysat my kids tell me they are good kids. The problem is that I can't keep them in bed, get them to eat most of my cooking, or do their homework with out a struggle.
I feel like Eric's teacher blames me when he doesn't do his school work. I do make sure he gets his homework done most of the time. When he comes home with unfinished work from the last month it frustrates me. This kid spends most of his day in school, misses his only 15 or 20 minute recess most of the time, and I have to try to keep him engaged for one or two hours when he gets home. She has him call me and tell me the work he needs to complete, and today he didn't even have that work at home for me to help him. I want to be a good mom, but how can I when my almost 10 year old doesn't even bring home the work.
Noel is very clingy lately. I don't totally know why. I know she doesn't like that I have to work so much, but that is not something that is going to change. Without another income, I have to work as much as possible. It seems to be worse for the first few nights after she spends the weekend with her dad. I wish there was something I could do that would help her, but nothing I do works.
Sean is a sweet boy. I do feel lucky that he has adjusted to change well. I wish he didn't try to follow his brother's lead so much. I need to find a way to teach him that he is special just because he is Sean, not because he is Eric's little brother.
My job is a job. Some days it is ok. Other days it sucks. I should probably get a new job, but lately I lack the motivation to apply to more jobs. I had an interview in April that I felt really good about, but I got turned down for the job. That was the fourth or fifth interview that didn't work out. I was so discouraged that I decided not to even try for a while. Now, I just don't feel like I have the time.
My life
is not how I thought it would be at 33, and not how I want it to be by
the time I am 34. I do like my life most of the time. I just have days where I look at my circumstances and feel depressed. I want more out of life. I want to be a man to put his arms around me and tell me he loves me. I want to have a job that makes a difference. I can't even call my mom to vent. My sister and dad are great, but sometimes I just want my mom.
5 comments:
Oh Rosa, I'm so sorry. I continue to think you're an amazing person, mom, sister, daughter, and employee. God won't give you more than you can handle, so know that you'll get through this. Please know that your kids see you doing everything you can for them and they notice. Don't forget to live for you though too. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I don't have any great advice, but I can send you {{HUGS}} and prayers that you'll feel better.
I'm sure you put this out there to get it out of your head, if you need to call me, I'll be home most of today. :) It sounds like your kids are just being kids with the homework and picky eating and such. Eric sounds like he's right on par with his age - Andur's doing the same thing with his homework - he just doesn't care. I think it's a mixture of being a boy and being nine, grades just don't motivate them. Find something that does so that he'll want to get his grades better (or work done). I have to wonder if, since you lived with a super control freak jerk for the last 10+ years if you're now trying to regain your very own control, but you're trying to control things you can't. You're a smart cookie and will find what you can and can't control, and you'll then be able to teach your kids what they can and should control. It's all part of life, this learning and growing. I wish since we're adults that that meant we're done with all that, but alas... lol We're not. You'll get through this. Have you read The Secret Life of Bees? You should. It's about a girl who's lost her mother and is trying to find her way without her there... then finds mothers in unexpected places. I think you'd like it a lot. Hang in there! You can do this! Thank goodness for blogs to let it all out, though, right? ;)
Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. I am a firm believer, though, that having those bad days means that you are dealing with the issues. You have so much change going on that it is understandable to have feelings of stress and fear an feelings of inadequacy. It doens't mean you're are stuck in any of those areas, it means you are trying to cope and move forward through the issues. It is healthy to do this. Just be honest with yourself and know we all support you.
As far as the kiddos go, here's my 2 cents, take it as you like it. the kids are going to have ups and downs just like you. They will act in different ways be it clingy, or forgetful, or acting up to get your attention, etc. No matter what you do, they have to learn to cope too. Love them as best you can and try to bring eachother up. I would let Noel be clingy when you can, and then assure her that she can always call you, even at Dad's house. You are't gone, she just has more places to have fun and be loved in. But you don't need to feel bad for letting her play on her own for a bit.
Have you tried a checking system with Eric's teacher? one of those deals where she sands him with homework, and has to answer to her the next day with something you've signed saying you saw it. I had to do that when I was his age. I was so scatter brained (plus I didn't want to do the work) that i would forget it. But having to check in with mom and the teacher helped me stay on track. Reward systems are good too. It doesn't have to be buying anything. Sometimes just letting them stay up for 30 mins after the other kids or getting to do something special like that could do it.
I don't know if that helped, but just know that we all are so proud of you and I hope to see you gain more confidence in yourself as you heal from that relationship and the hurt you endured.
Love you,
Carrie
A big warm hug from me to you.
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