The Daughter of...

I am a daughter. I will always be a daughter no matter what other roles I have in my life. I am the daughter of an accountant. That's what most people see because I work in billing. My dad is also very religious, as am I. These are the easy things to see. My dad is still alive. 

My mom influenced me as well. I don't know if I have any of her traits quite honestly. I love my mom. I miss my mom. I would love to have her back. However, i am at a point in my life when I have to acknowledge the pain. 

I am the daughter of someone who was mentally ill. She was in and out of psychiatric hospitals for a few years. The first time she went, my sister and I had to live with our aunt and uncle for a few months. I still don't fully understand why, but it was traumatizing. The other times, we stayed home and lived life as normal as possible while periodically visiting her on the weekends. Then, she left, and we didn't know where she went for a while. (I later found out she did this other times, but this time my dad didn't cover up for her.) I have memories of her outbursts, odd stories she would tell us, and her climbing into my bed crying during PTSD episodes when she lived in out basement. I was 15. 

As the daughter of a mentally ill mother, I am always looking for signs of it in me. When I get depressed, is it chronic depression or are life circumstances just hard right now? When I get angry and yell, am I mentally ill, or is this a normal reaction? When I cry uncontrollably, am I mentally ill, or is it ok to be this sad sometimes? I understand everyone has emotions. I know that just because my mom needed a lot of help to care for her brain properly, that doesn't mean I do. I also know that can accept help, and I do from time to time. However, I haven't had anyone even try to diagnose me since I was 13 because I'm scared. Most people are diagnosed with my mom's illness (which was more than just PTSD) are in their late teens to mid 20s. That doesn't mean I can't have the same of similar issues. It just means I'm less likely. 

After talking to a few people that grew up with a mentally parent that have said they have the same fear. However, I still feel alone in this fear. I think I will always be looking for signs of it in me and people around me. 

I am a daughter. I have a mom and a dad. I know the traits I have of my dad's. I don't know if I have any traits of my mom right now other than her smile. I love being like my dad in some ways. I hate that I don't know enough about my mom to know how I'm like her. All I can remember lately is the mental illness and the love she gave us when she was feeling well.