Graduation Trip - Third Leg

 On Friday, Chad and I headed on our way to Provo to visit with my parents after doing an endowment session at the Rexburg temple. I wish I had remembered to take pictures at this temple. I loved it there! Going to Provo from Rexburg was our shortest drive (about 4.5 hours). This stop was also the most relaxing of all of the stops. We mostly stayed at the house hanging out with my dad and stepmom. The first night, I just laid on the bed exhausted for an hour or two waiting for a migraine to subside. Then, I got to talk to my dad for a few hours before going to bed. 

The next morning, my dad made us breakfast before we headed to the Provo City Center Temple to do another session with my dad this time. I love this temple. It is so unique because it was a historical building that had fire damage. There are elements of this building that are original to the building making it one of the most beautiful buildings I have had the pleasure to be in. 

Later, Chad and I finally had ice cream at the BYU Creamery. It was ok. Ice cream is always good, if you get the right flavor. I just didn't understand the hype. Now, I know it is just like any other ice cream place, so I don't have to keep wondering.

We left to go home on Sunday and stopped to see my dear friend at her new house on the way. We finally arrived home around 6:30pm, just in time for dinner. 

I am so thankful that I was able to make this trip! It was a long trip. The stops were further apart than I would have wished them to be, but I don't regret doing it. It was a good way to celebrate me receiving my Bachelor's degree. 

The Daughter of...

I am a daughter. I will always be a daughter no matter what other roles I have in my life. I am the daughter of an accountant. That's what most people see because I work in billing. My dad is also very religious, as am I. These are the easy things to see. My dad is still alive. 

My mom influenced me as well. I don't know if I have any of her traits quite honestly. I love my mom. I miss my mom. I would love to have her back. However, i am at a point in my life when I have to acknowledge the pain. 

I am the daughter of someone who was mentally ill. She was in and out of psychiatric hospitals for a few years. The first time she went, my sister and I had to live with our aunt and uncle for a few months. I still don't fully understand why, but it was traumatizing. The other times, we stayed home and lived life as normal as possible while periodically visiting her on the weekends. Then, she left, and we didn't know where she went for a while. (I later found out she did this other times, but this time my dad didn't cover up for her.) I have memories of her outbursts, odd stories she would tell us, and her climbing into my bed crying during PTSD episodes when she lived in out basement. I was 15. 

As the daughter of a mentally ill mother, I am always looking for signs of it in me. When I get depressed, is it chronic depression or are life circumstances just hard right now? When I get angry and yell, am I mentally ill, or is this a normal reaction? When I cry uncontrollably, am I mentally ill, or is it ok to be this sad sometimes? I understand everyone has emotions. I know that just because my mom needed a lot of help to care for her brain properly, that doesn't mean I do. I also know that can accept help, and I do from time to time. However, I haven't had anyone even try to diagnose me since I was 13 because I'm scared. Most people are diagnosed with my mom's illness (which was more than just PTSD) are in their late teens to mid 20s. That doesn't mean I can't have the same of similar issues. It just means I'm less likely. 

After talking to a few people that grew up with a mentally parent that have said they have the same fear. However, I still feel alone in this fear. I think I will always be looking for signs of it in me and people around me. 

I am a daughter. I have a mom and a dad. I know the traits I have of my dad's. I don't know if I have any traits of my mom right now other than her smile. I love being like my dad in some ways. I hate that I don't know enough about my mom to know how I'm like her. All I can remember lately is the mental illness and the love she gave us when she was feeling well. 

Kara’s Pictures

About a week ago, my cousin, Kara, sent me some pictures from our childhood. The picture I love the most is my brother holding her little sister in his shoulders. Seeing the smile on his face warms my heart. I don’t remember him being this happy very often. 

Another one that I love is my mom and dad during a family Christmas celebration. I remember my mom wearing that shirt a lot, and I think my dad still had the flannel many years later. Once again, it is the smile that gets me. My mom had one of those smiles that would just make everyone happier. 

Then, there is a family picture of my dad, his siblings, and their parents. I’m not sure when the picture was taken, but I’m guessing my dad was in his 20s. 

The final picture I want to share is of my grandparents and my great grandmother (Grandpa’s mom) opening Christmas presents. My best guess is that it was from the same year as the one of my parents. I love and miss all three of them. 

I love that my dad’s family shares pictures like these with everyone! It helps me feel a greater connection to my family. 

My Cheerleaders

In Relief Society today, we discussed Sister Tunis’s talk from this last conference, Seeing God’s Family Through the Overview Lens. During this discussion, there was a conversation about the people that lift us up, help us through hard times, and generally have our backs. I sat quietly thinking if the people who have supported me through the years. As each person that contributed to the conversation talked about that one person, all I could think was that there are different people during different seasons of life. 

When my mom struggled with mental illness, my dad was there for me. He wasn’t perfect, but he was there for me the best way he knew how especially after she moved out. 

My Young Women’s leaders encouraged me to be my best. They helped me make tough decisions and told me I was a good person even when I didn’t think so. 

My former mother-in-law is a cheerleader to all. I don’t think she has met anyone she doesn’t like. When I was struggling to feel my worth, she would show it to me. I remember one Sunday arguing with my then-husband about whether I was a good driver (a stupid fight) on the way to her house for dinner. (He had told me I was a bad driver because my license had expired. It had expired because we couldn’t afford fir me to renew it.) As I helped make dinner, she asked me why I seemed upset. After explaining the fight, she told me she would fix it and made the plan to take me to the DMV to renew my license. She made no judgment, just helped me feel like my needs mattered. I could go in and on about the many things she has done to heal the wounds she didn’t even know were there just by being her and seeing the best in me. 

My best friend was there for me when I needed her the most. I could stop by her house just to cry without notice. When I struggled with my testimony, she met me where I was and helped me see how I could do better when I needed it. When I was pushing everyone away, she pulled me in closer. I will forever be thankful for her love and support during the good and bad times. 

There are many others. I have been truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. I know my Heavenly Father sent them to me when I needed the most. I pray that I will one day be able to be this person for someone else. 

My Dad

My dad is one of the best people I know. He is the person who taught me the value of hard work. He spends all of his free time caring for other people without complaint. When I was a teenager, he was a single dad who went in to work or make sure he got home early enough to be home with us and make sure we ate before going to work. He cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, and went grocery shopping. When we tried to help him with the laundry, he told us that was his time to be alone. He taught four kids how to drive without losing his mind. We had a strained relationship for a while, but it has grown a lot in the last ten years or so. I love this man with all of my heart. I could not imagine my world without him. Happy Father's Day, Daddy!