The Daughter of...

I am a daughter. I will always be a daughter no matter what other roles I have in my life. I am the daughter of an accountant. That's what most people see because I work in billing. My dad is also very religious, as am I. These are the easy things to see. My dad is still alive. 

My mom influenced me as well. I don't know if I have any of her traits quite honestly. I love my mom. I miss my mom. I would love to have her back. However, i am at a point in my life when I have to acknowledge the pain. 

I am the daughter of someone who was mentally ill. She was in and out of psychiatric hospitals for a few years. The first time she went, my sister and I had to live with our aunt and uncle for a few months. I still don't fully understand why, but it was traumatizing. The other times, we stayed home and lived life as normal as possible while periodically visiting her on the weekends. Then, she left, and we didn't know where she went for a while. (I later found out she did this other times, but this time my dad didn't cover up for her.) I have memories of her outbursts, odd stories she would tell us, and her climbing into my bed crying during PTSD episodes when she lived in out basement. I was 15. 

As the daughter of a mentally ill mother, I am always looking for signs of it in me. When I get depressed, is it chronic depression or are life circumstances just hard right now? When I get angry and yell, am I mentally ill, or is this a normal reaction? When I cry uncontrollably, am I mentally ill, or is it ok to be this sad sometimes? I understand everyone has emotions. I know that just because my mom needed a lot of help to care for her brain properly, that doesn't mean I do. I also know that can accept help, and I do from time to time. However, I haven't had anyone even try to diagnose me since I was 13 because I'm scared. Most people are diagnosed with my mom's illness (which was more than just PTSD) are in their late teens to mid 20s. That doesn't mean I can't have the same of similar issues. It just means I'm less likely. 

After talking to a few people that grew up with a mentally parent that have said they have the same fear. However, I still feel alone in this fear. I think I will always be looking for signs of it in me and people around me. 

I am a daughter. I have a mom and a dad. I know the traits I have of my dad's. I don't know if I have any traits of my mom right now other than her smile. I love being like my dad in some ways. I hate that I don't know enough about my mom to know how I'm like her. All I can remember lately is the mental illness and the love she gave us when she was feeling well. 

Mom Jewelry

There was a time I would have said I would never be ok with Mother's Day. Thankfully, I have finally started to enjoy it over the past few years. I think it took seeing it as a day to honor my contributions as a mother rather than mostly celebrating my spouse's mom because my mom isn't here to celebrate. It's not like I wanted a big thing about me, I just struggled with the reminder that I couldn't celebrate with my mom and didn't have the chance to come to terms with that. 

This year, I decided to honor the mothers that helped shape me into who I am today by wearing jewelry that was either theirs in the past or that they had given me. 

To honor my mom, I wore her CTR ring. It's tarnished from sitting in my jewelry box for many years, but that's ok. I was able to think about the woman that gave me life and taught me that it is ok to be different and expect to be loved. I wish I had embraced this lesson earlier in life. 

To honor my former mother-in-law, I wore a bracelet she gave me a long time ago. This was a reminder of her unconditional love. She took me in and loved me when I needed a mother's love and didn't have a mother on earth to do so. I will forever be grateful for the example she set for me children and me. 

For my stepmother, I wore a necklace she gave me a few years ago. We had a rocky start, but she has always loved my children with all of her heart. Now, we get along well, and I see the strength she has in her to push through the many struggles she still faces on a daily basis. 

I hope to embody the lessons these wonderful women have taught me for the rest of my life. When people say, "You must have had a great mother." I can say, "I had three."

Mourning Still

A few months after my mom and brother died, my boyfriend at the time asked when I was going to get over it. I'm sure he just didn't understand, but it was harsh. We broke up a few months later. (Yep. I was a doormat for even before I met my ex husband.) I think I finally have an answer to that boy's question, though. Never. At least, not in this lifetime. 

I am sitting here 28 1/2 years after Anthony and Mom were taken suddenly crying over what we did have and wishing they were here. The last few weeks have been hard, and the last 3 days have been absolutely heartbreaking. 

I didn't get to experience an adult relationship with my mom. She died about a month after I turned 18. I was still in high school. I was at a baby shower a few weeks ago, and a question for a game was ask about what new parents ask experienced parents. The answers shocked some people, and someone made the comment that everyone just gets that kind of help or advice from their mom when the baby is born. I got help and advice from my mother-in-law at the time. I will forever be grateful that she took the time to help me with things in the beginning, but it is hard to ignore my mom wasn't able to be there. The other day a well meaning person said they understood how hard it was to lose a mother, and for them the hardest part was not being able to call her whenever they wanted. I never had that. Even after my mom moved out, we didn't have that. I was able to drive to visit her when I wanted, but I don't think it ever occurred to me to just call her. 

I'm glad most women have the kind of relationship that there are certain things they can just expect from their moms. I'm not mad about that. I hope my kids and I have that as they grow older and progress in life. However, I am also sad I never got to experience an adult relationship with my mother. I miss her terribly, and I understand that a big part of that is mourning for the things we never got to experience together because she was gone so young.

Mom's Birthday

 

This past weekend, I went to a baby shower where we played a Family Feud style game in which one of the questions asked what a new parent might ask a seasoned parent advice about. I wrote down the basics: feeding, bathing, putting to sleep. I only got one right.  Then I heard someone make a comment about how the basics are pretty much learned when the mom comes to help her daughter care for the new baby. This was just one  more reminder of what I missed out on. I had a wonderful mother-in-law at the time that taught me the things I needed to know, but it wasn't my mom, and I had to ask. I didn't get to have my mom do these things because she died 7 1/2 years before I had my first child. I think this reminder hurt more because this shower was only 3 days before my mom's birthday. 

Now, it is my mom's birthday. I miss her terribly. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss hearing the sound of her voice. I miss her willingness to try to help me with hobbies she either doesn't really understand or doesn't like doing. I wish she were here but know my life would have been way different if she was. I will have to settle for knowing that I will be with her again, feeling her arms around me. 

Happy birthday, Mom! I love you! I can't wait for the day we will be celebrating together again. 

Feeling Her Presence

 

Last night, Chad and I did sealings at the temple. This time, we didn't seal any of our ancestry. We helped other people seal together from theirs. It was a wonderful experience, and it felt so good to be back in the temple after being gone for several months. 

At the end of this session, we went into the Celestial Room. As we sat in silence, I prayed for my cousin. Then, I let the peacefulness of the temple wash over me. This was a wonderful reminder as to why I need to do this more often. 

As I went into the dressing room, I was stopped by one of the ladies for whom we did sealings. She told me that when Chad and I sat in front of the sealer with the light streaming in through the stained glass window, I smiled and was absolutely gorgeous. The thought came to my head, "Just like your mom." At this point, I could feel her presence. All I could do was smile and thank her as I felt my mom beaming with pride, standing beside me. 

I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to do this service for other people in the temple. I am thankful we took the time to go into the Celestial Room. Most of all, I am thankful to the sister who took the time to give me a compliment that brought me closer to my mother. I miss her very much and know there will be a day when we will see each other again. 

Kara’s Pictures

About a week ago, my cousin, Kara, sent me some pictures from our childhood. The picture I love the most is my brother holding her little sister in his shoulders. Seeing the smile on his face warms my heart. I don’t remember him being this happy very often. 

Another one that I love is my mom and dad during a family Christmas celebration. I remember my mom wearing that shirt a lot, and I think my dad still had the flannel many years later. Once again, it is the smile that gets me. My mom had one of those smiles that would just make everyone happier. 

Then, there is a family picture of my dad, his siblings, and their parents. I’m not sure when the picture was taken, but I’m guessing my dad was in his 20s. 

The final picture I want to share is of my grandparents and my great grandmother (Grandpa’s mom) opening Christmas presents. My best guess is that it was from the same year as the one of my parents. I love and miss all three of them. 

I love that my dad’s family shares pictures like these with everyone! It helps me feel a greater connection to my family. 

Mom’s Birthday

 

My mom’s birthday is one of those days that are hard. I miss her. I wish she were here I miss her laugh and her smile. I miss her hugs the most. When she would hugged me, it was like being enveloped in love. Her arms would pull me in like I was the only person she ever wanted to hug. I’ve never been hugged by anyone else like she did. I know she is doing great things in the next life. It is selfish for me to want er here. Someday, I will leave this life and be greeted with her embrace. 

I love you, Mom. Happy birthday in heaven. 

My Sean

 There was a time when I could see my mom in Sean. It was a comfort to have this little person remind me of the best parts of her. As he grew older, I was seeing it less and less. I could only see his uncles from his dad’s side, especially when he laughed or smiled. 

Today, I took this picture of him to do a “then and now” thing on Facebook. When I looked at it, I saw someone else. Me. This child of mine who has the smile of his dad’s younger brother, looks like me. Of course, that also means he still looks like my mom. How have I never noticed this?

The Purpleness

I may have a bit of an obsession with purple. It snuck up on me. I didn’t used to like purple so much, but I am drawn to it now. It doesn’t even seem to matter what shade it is. 

When I was a kid, purple was the color I was given, and I hated it. My sister would get things in pink, and I was stuck with purple. I remember hating that my mom bought me a purple scripture case because I was stuck with it for the foreseeable future. I still have that scripture case with the stuff in it from my adolescence. It is a reminder of so many things including my mom. 

As I grew up, I tried to avoid the color for many years. I honestly don’t remember when I gave into accepting it. I remember that my favorite shirt my freshman year of high school was a royal purple, but I swore I didn’t like that color at the same time. I remember having a shirt I really liked when I was in my early 20s that was lavender, and there were a few here and there for a while. At that point, I knew it was one of my favorites. It was one of my wedding colors for my first wedding, after all. However, it wasn’t an obsession as far as I remember. 

By the time I married Chad, I knew I loved purple more than any other color even though it was not one of my wedding colors for the most important wedding of my life. Chad had always known of my affinity towards purple and even encouraged it. 

Now, I am sitting at my desk wearing a purple shirt and purple nail polish with a purple stone in my engagement/wedding ring while knitting a purple sweater as I live my purple life. 

How Great Thou Art

The closing hymn in sacrament meeting this last Sunday was How Great Thou Art, a classic, well known Christian hymn. This brought back memories from my childhood. I remember an advertisement on TV selling Andy Griffith’s gospel album. My mom heard a clip of him singing How Great Thou Art and wanted this set of cassettes. She was struggling with the death of her own mother, and the combination of his voice and this hymn was a comfort to her. I don’t remember if she actually ordered the set, but I do remember her reaction when this commercial would come on. As I sang with the congregation, I felt comfort in this memory. I love these sweet memories of my mom experiencing the sweet, tender mercies of the Lord in her time of grief. 

The Day

For many years, August 30 has held the worst memory of my life. In 1996, my mom and brother were killed when my mom’s roommate fell asleep at the wheel. Each year gets easier, but I don’t think I will ever really be “over it.” 

My mom was not perfect, but she loved her kids as much as she could. I like to remember how she took care of me when I was sick, always had her home open to us whenever we wanted to spend the night, and loved puppies and kittens to an insane degree. 

Anthony was the best brother I could have asked for. He was my protector and biggest supporter. He would take me along on adventures every once in a while. He laughed with me and cried with me. 

To my mom and brother: I love you! I know we will be together again someday. I long for your embrace, and miss you more than you know. 

The Power of Music

I love music. One song can change the whole atmosphere. It can bring emotions to the surface of any kind: happy, sad, love, etc. It can also bring back memories, good and bad. I have felt this way as long as I can remember even though I am not personally musically talented.

Today, at church, a couple played an arrangement of a hymn that my mom sang when I was little. He played the piano, and she played the cello. It was beautiful, and brought back memories of my mom. I could see her face and feel her around me as the words not spoken or sang at the time danced around in my head. I choked back tears as I listened to this beautiful music and let the memories wash over me. The hymn was I Need Thee Every Hour. It is so powerful and beautiful!

I need thee every hour,

Most gracious Lord.

No tender voice like thine

Can peace afford. 

I need the, oh, I need thee;

Every hour I need thee!

Oh, bless me now my Savior;

I come to thee!

I need thee every hour,

Stay thou nearby. 

Temptations lose their power 

When thou art neigh. 

I need the, oh, I need thee;

Every hour I need thee!

Oh, bless me now my Savior;

I come to thee!

I need thee every hour,

In joy or pain.

Come quickly and abide, 

Or life is vain. 

I need the, oh, I need thee;

Every hour I need thee!

Oh, bless me now my Savior;

I come to thee!

I need the every hour, 

Most holy One. 

Oh, make me thine indeed,

Thou blessed Son!

I need the, oh, I need thee;

Every hour I need thee!

Oh, bless me now my Savior;

I come to thee!

Watching “Blossom”

Photo Credit: TV Guide

I started watching Blossom on Hulu yesterday. I loved this show when I was a kid, and felt like watching something nostalgic while I worked. 

This first episode hit a bit close to home for me. In this episode, Blossom gets her first period but doesn’t know who to ask advice from because her mother is pursuing a music career in Europe. When I had mine for the first time, my mom was physically there but not mentally. She was in her bed with the room as dark as possible sleeping in a deep depression. My dad had to help me. When my sister got hers for the first time, my mom didn’t live with us. My sister called her, and she asked me to help instead of coming over. Throughout our teenage years, we had to ask our dad for supplies which got easier as we got older but was never completely comfortable. 

I haven’t gotten to any others that bring up any emotions. I am actually enjoying the simplicity of the show. It brings back fun memories and makes me laugh. I will get though the whole series quickly, but I will enjoy it while it lasts. 

Speech Done

I had to write and give a speech for my Child and Family Advocacy class. We were told to write a persuasive speech about a social issue affecting children and families along with laws or policies involving that issue. I chose to write about mental illness using my experience with my mom as an example. I talked about the importance of yearly mental health screenings for children and adolescents. I talked about the need to have conversations about it to help people be more willing to seek help.

This was a hard speech to write because I had to make sure I used enough research from reputable research in a way that was easy to understand. Peer review articles can be hard to read though and even harder to incorporate in this type of writing. Once I get going on something like this, it is even harder to narrow down what needs to be included. It was only supposed to be 3 to 5 minutes. I had to cut out two entire paragraphs as well smaller sections here and there. Finding policies and laws in my state was probably the easiest part of the process. 

This was also a hard speech to give. I was able to read the entire speech, but it is hard to talk about certain aspects of growing up without getting emotional. I love my mom, and I know she was a good mom when her mental illness did not get in the way. Her hospitalizations and leaving the family are not topics I enjoy talking about. I almost cried once, but I was able to gain my composure and finish the speech. 

After I performed the speech and my class meeting was over, I read it for my husband. He got emotional hearing details he hadn’t heard before this. 

I am thankful for the opportunity to do this speech. I was able to learn more about myself and my family in he process. If all I learn from this education process is how to process my past and be a better functioning person, it will all be worth it. 

Mother's Day

 

I have a love/hate relationship with Mother's Day. I have never experienced a Mother's Day as an adult with my mom. She died with I was barely 18. I am jealous of women who get to celebrate being a mom with their mom. It's not something I thought about prior to her death because the idea of me becoming a mom was sometime in the future. 

I spent many years celebrating with a mother-in-law. My first husband's mom (the better mother-in-law) was never offended by my foul mood on a day that reminded me my mom was gone. She was always very understanding. My current mother-in-law is not understanding of anything. My first Mother's Day with her she told me that I would eventually get over it and enjoy the day. (I hate when I am told to get over it.) I am glad I don't have to pretend to enjoy the day around her anymore now that she live in a different state. The thing is that even when I was with my first mother-in-law, the pain of the reminder of my loss made it difficult to enjoy the day.

Over the past few years, I have come to enjoy being celebrated by my husband and kids. Chad has bought me flowers almost every year since we were married. It is all I ever wanted as a gift. I am so thankful for a husband who listens. Since Eric moved out, he has made a point of coming over for dinner which is all I expect of  him. Seeing him an playing games with him is the greatest present he can give me. (I know he comes over at least once a month. Can't I consider it a gift each time?) This year Noel even bought me something with her own money. I know she doesn't have much, so that makes me feel incredibly special that she would spend some of what she has worked hard to earn on me. All of these things to not take away the sadness of what I don't have, but they have helped me finally learn to love this day. 

Good Mom

I think I am a good mom. I know not many moms would say that this close to Mothers' Day, but I am saying that right now. Why do I say this rather than saying I am horrible? First of all, I am not an attention seeker. There are those who will say self-deprecating things just to hear the accolades that fly at them after saying such things. As I have said in the past, I don't need attention. If I were looking for attention, I would do so on another platform to express myself. Second, I love my kids more than anything else in this world. They know this, and I will live to my dying day making sure they continue to know it. Third, I have done everything I can to teach my kids to be good people. I may not have done this in a way that others would agree with, but I don't care. I have done it my own way. So far, they are all good people who care about others. I don't think this will change. I know I am the best mom I know how be.

It is not easy to be the parent you didn't have growing up. My mom checked out mentally when she had a mental breakdown when I was young and moved out when I was almost 14. Did she love me? Yes. She just wasn't mentally or physically able to take care of her children. No matter what demons she faced, we always knew she loved us. 

I know I have failed as a parent in some ways, but on the eve of Mother's Day, I choose not to focus on that right now. There are people who talk bad about my parenting style. They say I am too permissive and give my child too much. They say I am failing them by being religious. Those people don't matter to me right now. I am me. I will not change who I am because a few people want to talk bad about me behind my back. I am a good mom. I am the mom my kids need right now.  

Mom Was There

Today, as I watched conference, listened to the talks, and took in the music, I could feel my mom comforting me. I have really been struggling with the events of the accident that took her and Anthony for the past month. I know the Lord heard my prayer yesterday for peace. There were many messages in conference about the peace the gospel brings. It was as though I those talks were tailored to me. The music especially hit me in a special place today. The last hymn in of General Conference was the one I sang with my friend at the funeral. The choir also sang one that I learned how to sign when I was in primary. When I think of signing, I think of my mom and dad. I think the Lord knew I needed to feel something special from conference to help me work through my feelings, and that is exactly what happened.