Couches

The church is being updated (new carpet, paint, and couches) which means they were giving away the old furniture from the foyer. My friend found out and went into action to get them for me. First, she had to convince me that I was worth the trouble. Then, she asked the bishop to hold them until we could find someone to help us get them (we only have small cars). She even set up a backup plan which we ended up needing. 

Friday after I got home from my doctor appointment, I texted her to see if  everything was still going to work out. She was not available anymore that night because of work stuff, and the people who were going to help move the couches had their daughter surprise them for the weekend, so they weren’t available either. She told me the backup people, and I texted the one I knew best of the two. He quickly brought his son to the church and had the couches loaded in his truck before the kids and I could meet them to help, so we just met them back at my house. He, his son, and Sean were able to bring them in quickly. 

Now, all we need to do is figure out how to get rid of the old couch and a recliner. They are not in the kid of condition that I would give them to anyone else. Most likely, we will end up getting a dumpster and clean out the garage a bit at the same time. 

Through this process, I learned a bit about myself. I do not feel I deserve nice things. (I know these are not real nice, but they are nicer than any couch I have had for most of my adult life.) I need to get past this. It was ok that we bought the Kia in 2016. It was a nice car at the time that was only a few years only with kind of high miles since to used to be a rental car. It was paid for out of Chad’s paycheck as is the Jeep we got in August. I shouldn’t have let anyone make me feel guilty for buying a reliable car especially since it was the only car we had as a family. I should allow myself to buy new clothes that aren’t on the clearance rack. I love getting deals at thrift stores, but brand new jeans could be nice. One of these days, maybe I’ll even have as many bras that fit properly as my daughter. I am allowed to have glasses that have the proper prescription. I don’t need to always be last priority as I was told I was growing up and in my last marriage. I work hard for my income. Why do I let the ghosts of relationships past dictate my life? 

These couches may be ugly, but they are mine. Right now, they will serve as a reminder that I am worth something. My friends can see it. I would see it, too. 

Things Change

People have been reading my old blog entries for a while. When I see what is being read, I get curious and read some of them as well. Sometimes, they make me cringe. Sometimes, I want to tell my younger self that it gets better. Someone, I just want to shake her and tell her to wake up. There are also times when I am so happy that I recorded the cute things my kids were doing. 

Today, I read the blog entry that brought Chad and I together. It is full of worrying about being good enough. It has a paragraph that clearly describes the gaslighting I endured in my first marriage where I seemed to be more worried about him cheating. (Why would I want to shake my former self again?) I was also worried about my kids and how they were reacting the changes we were going through. 

Another thing that stood out to me was that I didn’t really know who I was as a person. (Could that be because of what I had been put through in the previous 10ish years?) I am happy to say that I now know who I am. I am a daughter of God! I no longer act one way at church, one way at home, and another with my friends. There is not a single person I spend time with that doesn’t know of my love and devotion to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It is amazing how being married to a man that encourages me to be myself can be. I love him for all that he is. 

Do I still struggle in life sometimes? Absolutely! The difference is that I have Chad and I have my faith and I know who I am. I can’t wait to find out what more I can do with this wonderful life!

My Books

On the shelves above my desk, I have mostly decorative items, but I also have four books. Two of them are reminders of my past life that I was able to bring into how I currently live. 

One of these books is a Nicholas Sparks book I bought to take camping this last summer. I like Nicholas Sparks books. In my 20s I devoured them. For quite a few years my ex would buy me the latest for Christmas because he was my favorite author. At the same time, I would checkout his other books at the library when I got the chance. I don’t read Nicholas Sparks as much now because I have been reading more nonfiction and doing a lot of school work, but I have plans to read this one as much as I can when my classes for this semester are done (only 2 days until finals are due).

The other important book on this shelf is my scriptures. I no longer carry the physical book to church because I use the Gospel Library app when out and about, but I do read from the physical book at home. For many years, I either used the set my dad bought me when I was a teenager after my other set was damaged or used my mom’s. The problem was that I didn’t want to mark up my mom’s too much because I loved seeing her handwriting and what was important to her. Also, the set I used in high school have been showing their age for quite sometime. At some point after the ex left, I adopted his scriptures that he asked  for Christmas when we were first married. He used to take them to all church meetings back then, but he didn’t really mark them. I have been reading from them and marking them as I see fit for quite sometime. I love reading them and seeing what I marked as important in the past. I feel like I am not only learned from reading them again, I am also learning from my past self. 

These books could be replaced if I chose to do so. There will be a time that the Nicholas Sparks book is replaced. It may be by another book by him, it may not. I can almost guarantee that it will be a pretty book like this one. I don’t see myself wanting to replace the scriptures. To me, they are an external reminder of one of the most important things in my life, the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I don’t intend on this changing.