Searching for Peace

There is no way to ignore what is going on in this country.  People are hurting and angry and want someone to blame. In doing so, they blame people who are non the opposite end of the political spectrum. They do this with so much hate that they don't seem to care who they trample in their path to prove their point. In reality, all this does is create more anger and more hate on both sides. Sometimes, I wish they would sit down together and actually listen without cameras or the goal of proving their own point. I think they would see what the rest of us see if they did this. They are two sides of the same coin. 

This morning I woke up and opened Facebook before starting my day. (This always seems to cause more harm than good.) The first thing I see is someone's "fill Facebook with..." post which of course spewed hate in one direction. As I scrolled down, I see something just as bad spewed in the opposite direction. Both memes hurt my heart. I know there is nothing I could do or say they would change their minds. 

Then, I went to do my Miracle Morning as I should have done before opening anything on my phone. For the meditation part of it I prayed as I always do. This time I prayed for the comfort I needed from the hurt I have been feeling that has been growing over the past however many months or years. Then, I sat I silence and opened my scriptures to 2 Nephi 32. This short chapter gave me direction starting in verse 3. "...feast upon the words of Christ; behold the words of Christ will tell you all things what you should do." This tells me I need to change my focus away from the world and towards Jesus Christ, my rock and redeemer. Then in verse 9, we are told, "But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint..." This tells me that I need to pray more often. I am so thankful that this chapter happened to be the next chapter I was going to read!

As I took my short, morning walk, I thought about this chapter and considered what I need to change to draw closer to the Lord so I can feel His peace. I will be off of Facebook for at least a week, maybe longer. I will not be on TikTok longer than needed to continue my streak with my daughter. (I know it is silly to make that streak important, but it's just something to share with her.) I will watch conference talks in the morning. When Chad get home from work tonight, I will ask for a blessing to calm my mind. I hope that by doing these things, I will be able to heal my mind, body, and spirit. It at least won't make it worse. 

Deep(ish) Thoughts

Last Friday, Noel and I went to see Hamilton in the theater. We both loved it, but it made me think. Do I stand up for my beliefs or do I stay quiet while grinning and bearing the world around me? I was worried about this for a few days and eventually asked my husband if I was the kind of person who didn't stand for anything. He said that I stand for things when they matter to me. 

I have strong opinions about things. Most of the time I don't share them online because when I did in the past, the comments from both sides towards me were brutal. I share some religious quotes here and there, but mostly I just share pictures of my family and other things I do to keep the memories. Do the religious quotes count as standing for something? I believe it does. 

I believe that love is the answer to many of the problems in the world. I don't like the political world in this country because it is filled with hate. One side hates the other because they think and believe differently. Then one of the leaders from the opposite party is killed. (At least that is what this year has been like so far.) I have been saying that the two-party system is corrupt for many years. I even voted for a third-party choice that I hoped could at least rock the boat in 2016. I believe that if the higher-ups in each party were to show a little kindness and love towards people with different beliefs and strongholds, there could be less blood and carnage in the world. 

Melissa Hortman was a democratic leader in Minnesota and killed for that reason. I don't know much about her politics. I only know what party she belonged to. From my understanding that was the only reason she was killed in her home. I also know that she was a mother. When someone decided to execute her, they took a mother and father (her husband was also killed), they took parents from these children. I don't know how old they were, but it doesn't matter. There was not a good reason for this. 

Charlie Kirk was a conservative activist that was shot this week because someone hated what he stood for. I only know a little of his public opinion and don't necessarily agree with everything I have heard. However, he was also a parent. Unlike Melissa Hortman, he was not hunted down in his home. He was shot at a public event on a college campus by someone who was too much of a coward to even look him in the eye. Just like Melissa Hortman, Charlie Kirk leaves behind children who now have to live without a parent. 

There have also been school shootings. A few weeks ago, children were killed while at a church service in their Catholic school. Some were killed. Many were injured. Why? Hate. The same day Charlie Kirk was killed, there was a shooting at a school. This one was in my home state, Colorado. Two kids other than the shooter were injured, and the shooter killed himself. What was his reason? Hate. 

We have a president that promised revenge against those who voted against him, and he is doing it. He holds federal funds, fires federal employees, sends the National Guard into cities, and often bashes the opposing party when speaking about anything. He seethes hate almost every time he speaks or posts online. 

Recently, a governor from the other party has taken to acting like the president with the cheers of his party as he does so. This is not the answer. Weren't we all raised being told, "Two wrongs don't make a right?" If he had a different message, I may lean more towards this party. Instead, it just proved my theory that these parties are two sides of the same coin. 

In contrast to the hate being spewed all around us, President Nelson had an op-ed published in Time magazine ahead of his 101st birthday calling for peace and dignity to be offered to everyone. In it he said, "Love your neighbor and treat them with compassion and respect...anger never persuades, hostility never heals, and contention never leads to lasting solutions...Imagine how different our world could be if more of us were peacemakers - building bridges of understanding rather than walls of prejudice - especially with those who may see the world differently than we do...There is power in affording others the human dignity that all of God's children deserve."

Last winter, I read a book by Steve Young called The Law of Love. This book made me feel more than any other book I have read. It made me look at people differently in a good way. I can feel the difference in how I view other people's actions. I have also noticed that I feel more deeply about how other people treat each other and want to find a way to spread love and joy even more than I did in the past. I honestly think that if more people were to read this book filled with quotes and examples of love and take the lessons to heart, the world would be a better place. 

I believe that everyone has some good in them even if I disagree with their public persona. I may not always be able to see it, but it is there somewhere. When we try to get along with them and show them love, we are often shown that softer side. I do have my boundaries and will not allow certain people in my life for the most part, but I am open to that changing if their behavior towards me/my family changes. (I have learned I need to protect my peace, too.)

I don't share these opinions very often out of fear, but I think it is time to do so. I am afraid of backlash, but I don't even know who will read this. I am not going to share it on social media because I know that I will make people I care about mad and will receive backlash. If someone cares enough to ask my opinion, I will share it. Thankfully, those who have actually taken the time to get to know me know this is who I am. I believe in love and acceptance no matter what you believe, who you love, your race, or anything else that makes you who you are.

Memories of Uncle Barney

My Uncle Barney passed away this week. He was one of my favorite uncles growing up. I have so many fond memories of him. He was the fun uncle that we liked to play with. 

My Uncle Barney was in a wheelchair because of on illness from his childhood. Back then, they didn't understand that when someone was bedridden, it was important to try to move their arms and legs to prevent atrophy. The thing is, when we were little, we didn't think about it. He was just the fun uncle that would give us rides in his chair. We could climb up on his lap, and he would wheel us around and pop wheelies. We thought it was the best thing ever. It wasn't until we learned about people with disablities in second grade that I really thought about him being different. 

Uncle Barney was a professor at the University of Alabama. I looked up to him for this reason and always thought of him as the smartest person I knew. Reading is obituary, I learned that he almost didn't become a teacher. After earning his bachelor's and master's degrees, he had wanted to stay at the University of Illinois to be a mentor for the disabled, but his professors encouraged him to do more. He went on to be a CPA before deciding to get his PHD in accounting and becoming a professor. He still advocated for the disabled, though. He even learned woodworking so he could make his own wheelchair ramps when needed. 

I haven't been able to see him much in adulthood other than for funerals because traveling to Alabama just hasn't been in the budget. I regret not making it a greater priority. I will miss Uncle Barney. 

Church this Week

 I absolutely loved church services this week. It started with Relief Society. We discussed the talk Draw Near unto Me by President Henry B. Eyring. I love this talk. In it, he talks about how we can draw closer to Christ. It goes along with Doctrine and Covenants 88:63:

"Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you: seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you."

I love this verse! Even when I struggled with my testimony, I believed in the power of prayer. Whenever I struggle spiritually, mentally, physically, etc., I know I can turn to prayer. I know that my Heavenly Father is always there for me and listens to my prayer. I have gone through enough difficulties in my life that I know He will not always pull us out of them immediately. We have to trust His timing. I can't say my life is perfect, but I can it is better than it was in the past.

Another way that I draw closer to my Savior is reading my scriptures. I have struggled with this in the past. At a particularly hard time in my life,  I sat in my stake president's office and told him that I struggled with my testimony because I didn't understand why I had to go through another trial. I felt like I had a harder life than anyone else around me. (I have learned since that was not always true.) He asked me what spiritual habits I had. I told him I personally was fasting with a purpose on Fast Sundays, praying and journaling about it daily, and reading the Doctrine and Covenants daily (the scriptures we were studying in Sunday School that year). I explained that I didn't understand how the Doctrine and Covenants applied to me and thought trying to study it was making things worse for my testimony. His simple response was to tell me to stop reading it. He didn't judge me for my struggle, he plainly gave me practical advise that would help. Since then, I have grown to love the scriptures, all of them. We are studying the Doctrine and Covenants again this year in Sunday School. I read through it by the middle of the year for the first time, and I could feel the Spirit as I did so. As I have progressed in the gospel, I have learned to love my time spent studying the word of God. 

I have also learned to love my service in the temple. I liked the temple when I was younger, but when I stopped going, I was more worried what other people would think of me not going than what I was missing out on because I didn't really understand what I was doing. I memorized what I needed to as an ordinance worker, but I didn't know why it was important. I am at a different place spiritually. I love the changes that have been made that make the ordinances more clear. I love going with my husband. He has become such a spiritual person and makes me want to continue to grow. The more we go to the temple together, the more I want to be there. One of the best decisions we made on our recent trip was to go to a temple at each stop. I hope to be able to do that on more trips. 

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am thankful that He made a way for us to return to Him and our Father in Heaven. The way to learn of Him and return to Him is simple and hard at the same time. When we are willing to take the time and put forth the effort to learn of Him and draw nearer to Him, we receive blessings. I am thankful that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me so much that He sent His son as a sacrifice for my sins. It was pointed out in Sacrament Meeting that Christ was part mortal, so he truely felt the pains and sorrows of mortality. When we reach out to Him in prayer, we can know that we are not alone. We can be lifted up by Him and through Him. I love my Savior!

Night at the Temple

Last night I subbed at the temple. Chad and I normally work the 2nd and 4th Tuesdays, but I have been filling in here and there when people go on trips and stuff. The thing is, I don't remember saying I was going to be a sub for this particular night. I remember being asked a few months ago and saying I needed to wait to give an answer because I was waiting to find out what my internship hours would be, but I don't think I ever got back to her. Then, Monday I got an email with me on the schedule for the following evening with a thank you for being willing to sub. (We usually get the schedule of where we will be and when the day before we work our regular shifts.) I was confused and a bit disappointed I wouldn't have the night to rest, but I was a bit excited to be scheduled to be working an endowment session. 

As I drove to the temple, I knew that there was a reason I needed to be there that night and assumed it was just to escape the world for a few hours. When I arrived, I was greeted by three women who thanked me profusely for showing up and being willing to be there (maybe the unanswered question was confusing to them as well). It felt so good and so natural to be there! About an hour in, I was assigned to work in initiatory, but there were too many workers, so I sat waiting to see if more patrons would arrive reading The Book of Mormon. 

I felt the need to read Ether  and started with chapter 1. When I got to the brother of Jared speaking to the Lord about needing light in the barges, my mind went to the symbolism of this. We often find ourselves in darkness needing light in our lives. I personally let current events bring me down a lot lately and crave the peace that Christ can give. Just as the brother of Jared asked the Lord to touch the stone to light the barges, I can ask Him to touch my spirit to bring light into my heart and mind. If I had not experienced the difference between my mind for the past week and my mind in the temple last night, I don't believe I would have made that connection. 

After this wonderful experience, I sat in the chapel with the organ playing familiar hymns and prayed to feel the Spirit of the messages and to be able to assist the patrons in whatever way possible. As I stood to welcome them and ask them to follow me, I could feel His spirit so strong that I already had tear in my eyes. This feeling was so strong throughout the session that it was palpable. Just as in January, the peace and joy I felt made making the sacrifice of leaving my family worth every second of being there. I was meant to be there even if I didn't know it.

I am so thankful to my Savior for the sacrifice He made for me. I am thankful for the grace and mercy He shows me when I need it the most. I have no doubt that I will continue to have these experiences and be shocked and in awe each time my Heavenly Father makes it known He is listening and understands what I need. It isn't the big grandiose signs people look for when the want "proof." It is the small things that we could miss if we weren't paying attention. In this case is was the little things that happened at the temple on a night that I wouldn't have normally worked. 

Valentine's Day 2025

Chad and I agreed that our trip last weekend counted as anniversary and Valentine's Day. (We often combine them since they are so close together.) It kind of made the day boring, especially since I already gave the kids their gifts. However, we did still celebrate a bit. 

First, Noel went shopping after work and bought me some presents: a weighted stuffed bunny, body butter, and socks that I can wear to church and the temple because she knows I'm not a fan of wearing my purple long socks with emojis with dresses (I will wear them to church with my boots if it's cold). These gifts were so thoughtful that they almost made me cry. She is seriously so thoughtful!

Then, made a heart shaped pizza. It was a bit lopsided, but still tasty. Sean and Chad even tried to convince me that it looked more like a heart than I claimed. 

After dinner, Chad and I went out for ice cream...at the grocery store. Are we romantic or what? He even searched for the rocky road that I really wanted. 

Finally, he went to bed as I stayed up until the boyfriend went home. The sweet small thing he did, and often does, was put the remote on my pillow. He likes to sleep without the tv, but I need the distraction for my brain. When we go to bed at separate times, he puts the remote and sometimes my Kindle on my pillow so I don't have to search for them in the dark. Then, I make sure the sleep timer is set so he doesn't have to sleep without it on too much at night. (We have tried sleeping without the tv, I struggle to fall asleep.) 

I love my family and the little things they do to show love. We may not need a day set aside to prove it, but it nice to have a day set aside just for love.

Feeling the Love

 

As we get closer to Valentine's Day, I am doing things around the house to help us all feel loved. I already gave my kids their presents, little stuffed hearts and candies, and yesterday I made sourdough with a heart in the scoring. I will also be making heart shaped pizza on Valentine's Day and Valentine bread the following day. I love that there are so many cute ways to celebrate this day of love. I wish there were other days during the year to give me an excuse to do such things. 

Brr Basket

 

Earlier this week, I was surprised with a Brr Basket that my husband and daughter carefully schemed and plotted to put together for me. It made me feel so special and appreciated after a week of taking care of sick people. In this cute basket, they gave me an adorable unicorn that has clear, sparkly hearts all over (they didn't show up in the picture), reindeer slippers that light up as I walk, a mermaid Starbucks cup that was later taken to Starbucks for a peppermint hot chocolate, lip scrub, scrunchies, a beautiful candle, sugar scrub, Dr. Pepper, Doritos, and candy. I am so thankful that they took the time to carefully pick out each item, trying to find exactly what I would enjoy. I can't remember the last time someone put this much effort into making me feel special. 

21 Already!

 

My precious Sean turned 21 today! It seems like just yesterday he was climbing on my lap with "blankie" and "arrr" (his security blankets) and a sippy cup. He still love to give me hugs even though he can't climb on my lap anymore. I can't wait to see what the future hold for this boy. I love him more than words can describe. 

Feeling Her Presence

 

Last night, Chad and I did sealings at the temple. This time, we didn't seal any of our ancestry. We helped other people seal together from theirs. It was a wonderful experience, and it felt so good to be back in the temple after being gone for several months. 

At the end of this session, we went into the Celestial Room. As we sat in silence, I prayed for my cousin. Then, I let the peacefulness of the temple wash over me. This was a wonderful reminder as to why I need to do this more often. 

As I went into the dressing room, I was stopped by one of the ladies for whom we did sealings. She told me that when Chad and I sat in front of the sealer with the light streaming in through the stained glass window, I smiled and was absolutely gorgeous. The thought came to my head, "Just like your mom." At this point, I could feel her presence. All I could do was smile and thank her as I felt my mom beaming with pride, standing beside me. 

I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to do this service for other people in the temple. I am thankful we took the time to go into the Celestial Room. Most of all, I am thankful to the sister who took the time to give me a compliment that brought me closer to my mother. I miss her very much and know there will be a day when we will see each other again. 

Exhausting Day

After an already long day, my cousin called today with a health update. She has been having heart problems for a while and was waiting to find out just how bad it is. Today, she called me with an update. She not only has a valve leaking, she has blockages and is going to have to have open heart surgery very soon. This means that she can't go to our cousin meet up in Michigan this summer because she will need to take the time to recover. 

I am both sad and scared. I'm sad that she won't be able to meet up with us at the beach. I love this cousin. She and I were glued together every time we visited our grandparents. Having a cousin reunion without this one cousin seems a bit wrong. I'm scared because I don't want her to die. I know I don't see her very often, but I still love her a lot. I'm also a bit mad because it just doesn't feel fair for someone who does so much good in the world to be facing this. 

She has been calling family members to ask for prayers, and I am more than happy to do this for her. I explained to the what the temple prayer roll is asked her if it was ok for me to place her name on it. She excitedly told me she could appreciate that. I think I will also fast for her this Sunday. This is all I can do from halfway across the country. I just hope it works. 

Me Reading

 

I used to hate reading. I wanted to like reading, but I just didn’t. I was a slow reader, and I always had to read books that were boring. Were there books that I liked? Yes. I loved Judy Blume books, 1984 (I know I’m one of the few), and a few others here and there, but I didn’t have the time to read these books very often because there was so much that I HAD to read for school. Therefore, I saw reading as something I had to do. 

In my early 20s, I finally was able to discover the joy of reading whatever I wanted to read without a deadline. I rode the express bus to work and wanted something to do while riding. (This was in the late 1990s, so I didn’t have a cellphone/smartphone to play games.) The person I was married to at the time suggested that I read and even had a few books that he thought I would like, so I tried it. Guess what? I like it! For the rest of our marriage, he often bought me books. 

Now, I find myself with reading mostly nonfiction with a bit of fiction sprinkled in. I am grateful to the person who help me find the joy of reading. I thankful that Chad indulges me in this hobby even when it means that I have a stack of books next to my bed waiting to be read. Mostly, I’m so thankful for the authors that write in a way that draw me in and keep me reading  

Love

My brother’s girlfriend (is that what I should still be calling her almost 30 years after his death) posted this on Facebook:

We fall in love with 3 people over the course of our lifetime. Each one has a specific reason. Let me explain...

Our First Love usually happens at a young age and we eventually grow distant or call it quits over the dumbest things.

When you get older and more mature you look back and think it was not love. But it actually was.... It was love for what you knew love to be at that point in time.

 You have to always remember there are different depths of love. 

 Now our 2nd Love and this is the hard one....

You get hurt when you fall in love with this person. This one teaches us lessons that we learn from and makes us stronger as a individual. 

This love includes a substantial amount of pain, betrayal, abuse, lies, and emotional damage.

 But believe it or not, this is the one where we grow the most. We realize what we truly know about love and what we don’t know about love.

 So now we put our walls up because we are extremely protective of what the future might hold for us when it comes to relationships. 

And naturally we become closed off, suspicious, very careful and slightly scared. But now we know exactly what we want out of a partner and what we definitely do not want. 

 Our 3rd and final love.

This one comes out of nowhere. No warning. No sign whatsoever. You don’t go looking for this love. It actually finds you. You can put up all the walls in the world, and they will come crashing down just as fast as you built them up in the first place. 

You’ll find yourself caring about that person without even trying. 

They look nothing like your usual type, but you get lost when you look in their eyes. You don't see any flaws. You see flawless imperfections. You find yourself telling them everything about you and what has molded you into the person you are today. 

You want a life with them. You want slow dances in the kitchen, you want walks on the beach under a starry night sky, you want to marry them and have beautiful children that resemble the both of you perfectly.

And every night when you close your eyes before you go to sleep, you catch yourself praying to God and thanking him for the reasons why it has never worked out with anyone else before.

-  Cody Bret

This rings so true to me. My first love was the boy I started dating around Christmas my freshman year of high school. I loved him so much! My mom knew it and encouraged this love. She even said she would sign the papers for me to marry him if I wanted. That scared me, and I started pushing him away. My second love was my ex husband. It was the love that hurt me. The one that made me feel broken. Now, I have my Chad. He is the one I wasn’t looking for, the one I want to spend the rest of eternity with, the one I tell everything to. He is all of my dreams come true. He helped heal a heart he didn’t break and has given me more mentally and spiritually than anyone has ever cared to give me. I could not say enough good things about this man. He is my everything! 

Grandparents Wedding

A few days ago, my cousin from my dad’s side posted the above picture with one simple question. “What happened August 1, 1947?” I knew right away what these two were excited about. That was the day they were married. I answered and posted the picture of their wedding invitation. 

I love look at the pictures she has developed from our grandpa’s negatives. There is so much history in them. I also love seeing my grandparents young and in love.

Things Change

People have been reading my old blog entries for a while. When I see what is being read, I get curious and read some of them as well. Sometimes, they make me cringe. Sometimes, I want to tell my younger self that it gets better. Someone, I just want to shake her and tell her to wake up. There are also times when I am so happy that I recorded the cute things my kids were doing. 

Today, I read the blog entry that brought Chad and I together. It is full of worrying about being good enough. It has a paragraph that clearly describes the gaslighting I endured in my first marriage where I seemed to be more worried about him cheating. (Why would I want to shake my former self again?) I was also worried about my kids and how they were reacting the changes we were going through. 

Another thing that stood out to me was that I didn’t really know who I was as a person. (Could that be because of what I had been put through in the previous 10ish years?) I am happy to say that I now know who I am. I am a daughter of God! I no longer act one way at church, one way at home, and another with my friends. There is not a single person I spend time with that doesn’t know of my love and devotion to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It is amazing how being married to a man that encourages me to be myself can be. I love him for all that he is. 

Do I still struggle in life sometimes? Absolutely! The difference is that I have Chad and I have my faith and I know who I am. I can’t wait to find out what more I can do with this wonderful life!

12th Anniversary

 Twelve years ago, I made the best decision of my life by marrying my amazing husband. He was exactly the person I needed to heal the wounds of life. I would go through it all again knowing it led me to this man. I am the luckiest woman alive! 

Flowers Just Because

Chad likes to gift flowers, and I am more than happy to receive them. Most of the time, he get them for Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day or another special day. Yesterday, he bought me a cute little Christmas bouquet just because he wanted to. I feel so special! I honestly can’t remember the last time anyone did this for me. 

So Spoiled

I have left the house without Sophie a bit more than usual over the past week or so. First, I went to a Thanksgiving dinner at a friend’s house on Thanksgiving since I was celebrating with my kids the following day. Then, I took Noel out for her “Mom and Noel” day as her last birthday gift. This week, I had to pick Noel up from school and take her to the doctor (again) on Thursday, went to a 5K race this morning, and went shopping for tomorrow’s shindig this afternoon. This poor little dog is not used to me leaving her so much, and she is acting a bit like a toddler. In other words, when I am with her, she will not leave my side. 

Yesterday, we went for a walk with a friend of mine and her dog. I dropped her leash and left her with the friend to put a present in the car. Sophie looked so sad and walked to me very slowly. When I got back to her, she was shaking and insisting I held her which I did for about a quarter mine. Today, she has been curled up to me as I do homework most of the time that I have been home. When I try to move, she scoots over to me. 

I love that she loves me. I will soak it up as much as I can. However, it can be a bit overwhelming when trying to get stuff done or even when I simply just need to go to the bathroom. 

She Loves Me

 Last night, Sophie hopped on my bed while I got ready for the night. When I came out of the bathroom, this is what I found. She had rearranged my sheet and blankets to make her own cocoon. As soon as I tried to take a picture, she wiggled out a bit and posed for me. Then, I straightened my covers and climbed in bed as she made her way under the covers as well to curl up to my legs. This little dog is so wonderful! I promised myself I wouldn’t get attached after losing Jasper so abruptly. Oh well! She deserves the love!

The Day

For many years, August 30 has held the worst memory of my life. In 1996, my mom and brother were killed when my mom’s roommate fell asleep at the wheel. Each year gets easier, but I don’t think I will ever really be “over it.” 

My mom was not perfect, but she loved her kids as much as she could. I like to remember how she took care of me when I was sick, always had her home open to us whenever we wanted to spend the night, and loved puppies and kittens to an insane degree. 

Anthony was the best brother I could have asked for. He was my protector and biggest supporter. He would take me along on adventures every once in a while. He laughed with me and cried with me. 

To my mom and brother: I love you! I know we will be together again someday. I long for your embrace, and miss you more than you know.