Continuing to Receive Answers

Life has been hard lately. To say I have felt knocked down is an understatement. Over the past month, I have found myself turning to my Heavenly Father more than ever. Each time, He answers in the ways that I need. It isn't always big, but it doesn't have to be for me to know that He is there, answering my prayers, and caring about my mental wellbeing as well as my spiritual wellbeing. 

This week, I have been in tears several times not knowing how to deal with the pressures and rejections I have been facing. On Tuesday, I went for my regular shift at the temple where I was reminded that it was the right place to be over and over. I could feel the love of Christ as I performed my duties and served the patrons the way the Lord would have me do. On Wednesday, Chad and I took our regular walk. As he always does, he listened to me as I rambled on about my day. When we got close to the end, I told him how I was feeling about the rejection I had recently faced and the stress I was feeling about all of the medical issues in our household right now. When we got back to the house, he sat with me on the sidewalk in front of the house and just let me cry and let my feelings out. I told him I felt like life has been crapping on me since I was 10 (when the grandma that lived with us was diagnosed with cancer and died). He just listened and let me air it all out. I needed that more than anything at that time. Then, my child with no voice asked me to take them to their next specialist appointment. I thought this was going to be a difficult endeavor because I would have to work with both of my bosses to make this happen. I said a prayer and texted them both. I had to ask one to be able to work and hour earlier that day, and I had to let the other know that I would not be able to work the last day of Magic Club for the semester. Both were understanding when I explained what was going on. That was a small answer to my prayers that I needed but wasn't sure would work out. I know most people would look at these things as coincidence or people just being caring, but I choose to see them as God showing me the compassion that I really need right now. 

This morning, I was once again in tears after the second call in about a week in which my parents made sure that I know they will not be helping me in any way and that things are harder for them. (My stepmother has significant health issues, and my dad works very hard at his job.) I understand that my struggles are not as bad as other people, but it would have been nice to be shown some compassion while I'm in the trenches this one time. I prayed this morning, as I usually do, for my child to be healed and to feel God's love once again. Then, I read my scriptures, did my daily affirmations, and got in the shower where I was hit with a stronger wave of depression. I did all I could do at this point. I closed my eyes, looked up to the sky, and just prayed for this feeling to be taken from me. As I got out of the shower, I had a feeling I should listed to a talk from General Conference. I opened the app on my phone and pulled up the next talk in my queue. It was All Who Have Endured Valiantly by David A. Bednar. Just reading the title of the talk helped me know the Lord was listening to my prayers. As I listened to the talk, I was reminded that I am here to grow spiritually. I have been given spiritual gifts to help me and others through this life. I need to look for ways to show charity to others and help them make it through this life as well. I have been shown compassion throughout the last few weeks by people outside of my family such as both of my bosses, the temple workers on my shift whether they know what is happening or not, my husband, and my children. It is my turn to show compassion and serve. Elder Bednar said, "As we follow, love, and serve the Savior, we gradually focus less on our own desires and interests and more on understanding and addressing the needs of others...Charity, then, ultimately possesses us." This is my answer today. I need to stop turning inward and worrying about myself. I need to turn outward and look to help those around me. 

Funeral Update

I decided not to attend Matthew Gosset's funeral, but I did bring food for the luncheon for their close friends and family. I did this because I really struggle going to funerals. I know no one likes to go to them. They are not happy events. For me, funerals are reminders of the worst moments of my life. I know that makes me sound selfish, but I feel like I did still serve the family. I even still talked to Matt's dad because he was there when I dropped of the food. I talked to him about his son when my ex taught him. He told he about his death and sad, tragic life leading up to it. He told me about the ways in which he and his family had tried to help him. I made me feel so bad for this poor father and all the family had gone through. I could not imagine what I would have done if my kids were to go down that path. I could see the pain in his eyes as he talked to me. As I was leaving, some of the parents of kids who are now in their 30s from church started showing up and sharing memories of their kids growing up together. I hope these sweet parents felt the support they needed. 

The Tenderness

Today in Sacrament Meeting, on of the boys who was going to pass the sacrament got a bloody nose. He calmly walked up to a bishopric member and asked for tissues, and they gave him the box. A bit later, another bishopric member calmly walked down to his bench, a sat down next to him, told him to go to his mom, and asked his own son what he needed to do to take the boy’s place. It didn’t take long for all of the boys to start calmly explain ti him. Then, the older brother of the boy who walked away came to the front bench as he tied his tie and took the spot for his brother.  I sat a few benches away touched by the love, compassion, and tenderness shown by all involved.