I am Not Broken

A man tried to rape me. 

It broke me.

I was sent away while he was allowed to stay.

It broke me. 

My mom and brother died. 

It broke me. 

I was accused of only caring about her money. 

It broke me. 

I was told I was selfish in my grief. 

It broke me. 

I was told the one person who would let me grieve was bad. 

It broke me. 

I lost the close relationship I had with my dad.

It broke me.

I was mentally and emotionally abused by my spouse.

It broke me. 

I am no longer that broken person.

I am gathering up the pieces.

I am sealing it with gold. 

I am stronger and more valuable because I was broken. 

I will never be the same. 

I am better. 

Becoming Patient

 Praying for patience

Praying for patience this week has brought reasons to be more patient. Monday, Noel went to in for a well check up at a new-to-her doctor's office. I switched her to my doctor's office because I did not feel we had been listened to at the office we had been going to. I asked them about some discoloration in her skin that we have been asking about for the past few years. They are concerned about them in combination with how often she has been sick over the past few years. They said she may have a rare neurological disorder that can cause problems with her brain and spine. They referred us to specialists at Children's hospital. We are now waiting for the genetics department to call back to find out when she will be able to have an appointment and what sub group she has to see. There will be a lot of waiting to find out if she has this and how it will affect the rest of her life. Tuesday, she stayed home sick because of the affects from the shots she received. Wednesday, she called me from school with the same symptoms to pick her up. Also, that day, Sean was home sick. I took off work early to take him into the walk-in clinic. We waited around for a while and decided to come home because I had to get to another appointment. Sean stayed home again Thursday. I was not able to have time to myself until last night. We will see how the rest of this experiment goes. So far, the worst part is the waiting to see if my sweet girl has a genetic disorder that can affect how much pain she experiences for the rest of her life. 

Sean and Noel Drive

My goal for this week was to have each of the kids with permits driver everyday of the week. This would help me with my patience because I get tense when they drive, and it would help them driver better because they would get more practice. I forgot to take them out twice, but I did have both of them drive Wednesday. Each time Sean gets better which makes it easier to be patient with him. Noel, on the other hand, is getting better slower and continues to tell me that she knows what she is doing. This is not helpful for her learning to drive, and it tries my patience. I will continue working with them. (I kind of have to anyway.) I have learned though that part of my issue is that I am so afraid of getting into an accident because of how my mom and brother died that I need to have someone else take Noel out to help her in a calmer manner. Me being scared when she drives is not helping her, and I do not think this is something I have as much control over because of the previous trauma. 

Listening with Patience

This week, I had the opportunity to take my daughter and two other young women to the temple for baptisms. Counting Noel, there were two 16 year-olds and one 12 year-old in the car. In the past, this could cause me issues, but it did not this time As I drove, I listened to them talk about driving experiences, their friends, school, other temple experiences, and much more. We laughed and joked and sang songs. At the time I did not think of my goal of being more patient. I just enjoyed the company of these wonderful young women. I am thankful for the opportunity I had take them and for the work I have done in being more patient so I can thoroughly enjoy their company.

I, also, had a good experience talking to my husband one night. He was feeling frustrated and depress but did not want to talk about it. I gave him another day before I went to him telling him I knew it wasn't necessarily me that was causing the issue. (I have a problem with thinking that people are always mad at me.) He told me about his problems with work. I feel like it was a good interaction where he could feel loved and listened to without me interrupting. 

He Will Answer

James 1:5 says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him as of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

Most members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints recognize this verse as the verse that Joseph Smith read before going into the Sacred Grove (a grove a trees by his house) and being told by the Lord to not join any church because the gospel had not yet been fully restored to the earth. In the years to follow, he would be lead to the Gold Plates which would be translated to become The Book of Mormon. 

We can break this scripture down to more fully understand it to guide us in our lives as well. When looking at it, my first question has always been, "What does 'upbraideth' really mean?" We can guess based on the context and come up with a good idea. I looked at the footnotes which tells us that it means "reproaches or censures." Now, what does that mean? According to Merriam-Webster, censure means, "to find fault and criticize as blameworthy." Dictionary.com says that reproach means, "to find fault with..." Next, we will look at what wisdom is. Many people believe that book knowledge gives us wisdom. I disagree. It may help, but it could also hinder the acquisition of wisdom. We know that people who have wisdom are wise, so I looked up "wise" on dictionary.com which tells us that it means, "having the power of discerning and judging properly..." This does take knowledge, but it also takes experience. I see it this way. I can learn from a recipe how to bake something, but it takes experience to really make it well. This is the process of gaining wisdom in many things. The last word I wanted to look at is "liberally." There are no footnotes for this in this specific verse. My favorite definition was from Merriam-Webster.com. It says, "given or provided in a generous and openhanded way." 

The next step is to put this all together to better understand this verse that is quoted so often that many do not take the time to truly understand it. It is telling us that when we do not have the power to judge or properly discern something, we can ask God. he will generously provide answers without criticizing or finding fault in our request.  That is such a powerful message! 

There is no question too small or too big. Heavenly Father loves us so much that He wants to provide us a way back to him. When we struggle and don't understand, He will help us. In Doctrine and Covenants 88:63 we read, "...seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock and it shall be opened unto you."

I know that asking with faith is a great comfort, protection, and guidance. Even when I struggled with my testimony, I continued to pray knowing that I would be given answers. We were not put here on the earth with a "good luck." We have been given guidance through living prophets, scriptures, and personal revelation given us as we pray with faith. 

God Gives us Power, Love, and Sound Mind

 2 Timothy 1:7-8 says, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord.." 

Since God wants us to feel power and love and have a sound mind. He also wants us to not be afraid of sharing our testimony. This lesson hit me hard. I have been afraid to share about the gospel on social media since the last election because I had gotten some contentious comments that made me shy away from sharing gospel or humor related memes. This means I was afraid to share my testimony in a way that I had felt free to share in the past. I need to move past this fear and once again be happy to share the gospel. 

I am happy to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am had many experiences that have helped me grow my testimony. If asked, I tell people why I feel this way. 

I know that Heavenly Father helps us love others. October 2020, President Oaks gave a talk entitled, "Love Your Enemies" in which he speaks of the animosity around the election. He tells us that we should not treat people poorly just because they have different points of view. He reminds us, "The Savior's teaching to love our enemies is based on the reality that all mortals are beloved children of God."

I learned a really good lesson about piece of mind when the world was shut down at the beginning of the pandemic. I was worried about how it would affect my oldest child because he lost his prom and thought he would lose his graduation as well. About a year prior he was also depressed, and I was worried that he would be again. I did not know how to help him. One day, I went on a walk and prayed for my boy. After I wrapped up my prayer, I kept walking to feel the calm. At this time, I could feel the Lord speaking to me. He told me to trust the process. I was not sure what that was going to look like, but I made the decision to do just that. As I listened to the recommendations and the prophet, I felt peace. Graduation did not look like what we had originally imagined, but he did graduate. I felt at peace when I decided to be vaccinated. It did not bother me when I was told to wear a mask. I got used to working from home (the thing that turned out to be a bigger blessing than I had expected). 

I know that the Lord does not want me to fear the events in going on in the world. He want me to feel love, power, and peace. 

Obey God's Will

 As I have said before, we live in a confusing, troubling time. There are wars we know about, and some we do not. We have been trying to recover from a world wide pandemic for the past two years. There are protests about things that matter to some but not to others. Priorities seem to have shifted from helping our neighbor to proving they are wrong when they do not agree with your opinions. In all of this confusion and uproar, how do we know which side to take? How do we know we are following the right advise?

As a follower of Christ, I can find these answers in the scriptures. Romans 12:2 says, "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." We should be asking ourselves, is what we are saying or doing in accordance to Heavenly Father's commandments? 

If we seek to prove someone wrong instead of loving them despite our differences, are we acting in accordance to God's will? What do the scriptures say? John 13:34 says, "...love one another; as I have loved you..." He does not give an exception. We are to simply love unconditionally, as Heavenly Father and Jesus do. 

We have been warned many times in the scriptures that there would be people who would lose their faith. I, personally, have seen this happen with many people in the past 10 or more years, especially since the beginning of the pandemic. Two years ago, we were suddenly cut off from people outside our immediate households for the most part. For some, we still are. For others, there has been a slow transition back to a semblance of what it was like before we were asked to stay home. Being kept from Church, we were left to find a way to teach our families from home. Thankfully, there are many resources on the Church website that could assist us. There is also other information available online. Unfortunately, some of this information lead people away from the truth "...giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared..." (1 Timothy 4:1-2). 

When we follow God's will, we receive blessings. We learn in 1 Timothy 4:16 that when we "...heed...unto the doctrine..." we will "...save (ourselves), and them them that hear (us)." This is a great blessing. It tells us that we will accomplish the great goal of eternal salvation. 

Faith Through Tribulation

I have been through so many hard things in my life: my parents' divorce, the loss of my mom and brother when I was in high school, facing the infidelity of a spouse and subsequent divorce, and the list can go on. There was a time when I thought I was broken and forgotten. I made some regrettable decisions, but they led me to where I am today. 

This week, I learned a lot about how following the Lord though faith can help us. Romans 8:31-32 says, "What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him for us all, how shall he not with him also freely five us things?" This tells us that putting our trust in God does not keep us from hardships, but it gives us protections we can not get anywhere else. He did not save Christ from being betrayed by Judas, being whipped, having a crown of thorns placed on His head, and being crucified even though this was His only begotten Son. This was allowed to happen because of its purpose. If God would allow this horrible thing to happen to Jesus because of the future implication, why would He not do the same for us. 

In 2009, my husband at the time gave me a blessing that I would know of his love and devotion to me. Then, he left to meet up with a girl with whom he was cheating. I spent the majority of the rest of the night finding evidence of this betrayal on his computer. For years I did not understand why this was allowed to happen. As we were studying the New Testament in Sunday School, and I was studying the Old Testament I had a realization. My now ex-husband was able to give me this blessing not because of his worthiness; it was because of mine. Since I had the faith to ask for the blessing, I was given the real answers. The knowledge that he was not as dedicated to our family as he claimed. This lesson too longer than I would like to admit to figure out, but it is not a lesson I will forget. 

Why was I allowed to go though this trial? I believe it was because of the lessons I learned from this. I have become a better person and hope to be able to help others with this knowledge as well. 

I do not know why I have gone through other things in my life, but I have faith that I will learn at some point. I have faith that there will be blessings waiting for me in the next life. In 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18, we are told that our afflictions are "but for a moment," and we learn that we may not see the blessing of going through these trails with faith in this life. We may have to wait for the eternal blessings earned from these acts of faith. That does not mean that we are here just to suffer and wait for the rewards. In 2 Nephi 2:25, it says, "...men are, that they might have joy."

Who Do We Trust?

We have so many uncertainties in the world today and so many messages that can make the world even more confusing. There are men and women that people look up to who have a lot of education or life experience. The problem is that their words do not always bring us peace or understanding. The best way to feel peace is to trust God and His messengers. 

1 Corinthians 2:10 says, "...your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God." This tells us that when there is any question as to who we should be listening to when we are uncertain, we should follow the advise that aligns with the teaching of our Heavenly Father. 

There are many issues where this applies. One issue that gets brought up a lot is the idea of what makes a family. This was addressed September 23, 1995 in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. It tells us that "marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God." It also tells us the roles of the husband and wife and the consequences when chastity is violated or in cases of abuse. There are many who believe that this is outdated. People will stand up for abuse victims, but they will defend the right of those who choose infidelity. We cannot get these messages confused. Infidelity hurts a family, too. It is not a physical hurt, it is an emotional one. 

You may say that this is not a difficult issue to understand, but there are many others that are not as black and white. There are other resources that can answer those questions as well. For example, many research study in the past few years have come out saying that a glass of wine a day is healthy. Does that me we can indulge in a glass of wine day? We can check the scriptures for the answer to that. Doctrine and covenants 89:4-5 tells us, "...In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forwarn you, by giving you this word of wisdom by revelation - That inasmuch as nay man drinketh wine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good..." 

It does not matter how long ago these revelations were received. If the "wisdom" of the world is contrary to what the Lord has told us, we should not follow it. 

The Example of Stephen

 This week, I studied Acts 1-18. I think that is was the first time I have really read and paid attention to this block of scripture. I was impressed with the story of Stephen. Stephen was called to assist the apostles. In this calling, "Stephen, full of faith and power, did great wonders and miracles among the people." (Acts 6:8) When people were being blasphemous and speaking against Moses's teachings, he recounted the teachings and actions of Moses. Then, he rebuked the people saying, "Ye stiffnecked and uncircumcised in heart and ears, ye do always resist the Holy Ghost: as your fathers did, so do ye." (Acts 7:51) This made the crowd more angry. For retribution, they kicked him out of the city and stoned him. As he was being stoned, he called out to God. Most impressive to me were his final words. He said, "Lord, lay not this sin to their charge." (Acts 7:60)

This is really all we know about Stephen, but there is so much to learn from him. First of all, in a time when Christ's followers were being dispersed and persecuted, Stephen accepted a calling to assist the apostles. I have to believe that this was a act of bravery. He knew that by following them and serving with them, he was in danger. Second, he was willing to speak up for the truth knowing that the majority did not believe in what he was teaching. Finally, as he died he sought forgiveness for those who were killing him. 

When looking at Stephen's bravery, we can ask ourselves if we would be willing to put ourselves in these situations. In 2 Nephi 25:26 we learn, "We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophesies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins." As we teach our children, we can teach others around us as well. One of the best ways to teach of Christ is by being a good example to everyone around us. If we do not act in accordance to what we are teaching, no one will listen to what we have to say. Along with behaving in accordance to Christ's teachings, we should speak freely about Christ. In his talk, We Talk of Christ,  Elder Neil L. Anderson says, "Be more open on social media in talking about your trust in Christ. Most will respect your faith..." He also tells us to tell people about our experiences from attending church when we are asked about our weekend. He reminds us that we do not need to expect our conversation to lead to the person coming to church or meeting with missionaries right away. When we set the example and put aside our fears, we can teach about the gospel as Stephen did. 

Stephen seeking forgiveness for those who were actively killing him shows how Christlike he was. When Christ was hanging on the cross and in pain, He called out to his father saying, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34) Most of us have a hard time forgiving someone who has said something mean to us or about us. Both Stephen and Jesus forgave the people who were taking their lives and asked God to forgive them as well. This is a trait that would be worth trying to develop to help bring us peace and show love for everyone. 

Stephen was a remarkable man. We know little about him, but from the two chapters that talk about him, we can learn some very important messages. 

My Mom Made a Huge Impact

 It is interesting how trauma affects us. I lost my mom and brother suddenly in a car accident when I was 18. Here we are almost 25 years later. I am not sad all of the time anymore. I have learned to live with the grief for the most part. There are things that bring back the horrible grief. It can be the simplest thing, but if it reminds me of them, I can be swallowed by grief. 

This week has been a triggering week, and I think it will continue on through the month of June. My mom was a lesbian. This was something she struggled with in a world that did not accept people with same-sex attraction. My mother never got to live in a world where people were accepting of and celebrating gay and lesbian people. She did not get to feel this kind of love. She was made to feel ashamed. 

I remember the day my mom came out to me. It was the winter of 1992. She and I were living in a hotel in Indianapolis, and she was driving me to school. As we got on the highway, she asked me if I would still love her if she were gay. I did not understand why she would even have to ask that question. I was 13. She was my mom. My love for her was unconditional. It still is. Of course, I told her that I loved her no matter what. 

My mom was forced to live a heterosexual life. I can imagine that it was difficult for her. She told me so. She did feel love for my father, but it just wasn't the same. She loved her children; she had a testimony of Jesus Christ; and she had a hard time fitting into this lifestyle. 

I was the daughter of a mother who left our family to be in a lesbian relationship. I went through half of middle school and all of high school calling my mom's girlfriend her roommate. At a dance, a boy told me that I was pretty, and it would be a shame I were to turn out like my mom (meaning "becoming a lesbian). I punched him and walked away. After that, I would rarely tell people about my mom unless I knew them well enough to open up to them. In fact, I got to the point that I would not open up to many people about anything period. I became an expert at holding in my feelings and keeping my secrets. 

I feel alone quite often. I know I created this bubble to keep myself safe, but it is a lonely bubble. I know my mom felt alone her struggles as well. The circumstances that she felt forced into have forced us both into a world where we feel alone. She had to feel she was doing something wrong by loving a woman. I have to wonder if I would even exist had she been able to come out as a teenager instead of in her 30s. 

As I see friends and family celebrate their children who have come out, I can feel the love they have for them. At the same time, I wonder how things would have been different if my mom had felt comfortable to come out when she was younger. Would I have been born? Would I have been able to know the mom with the infectious smile that made everyone she met feel welcome and accepted? There will always be questions that won't be answered until I see her again. One thing I know for sure is that I love my mom. She had her struggles (there were many). I am thankful for the time I got to have her in my life, and the things I learned from her while I had the chance. 

January Report/February Goal

 My January goal went well. I am happy to report that I had one salad for lunch each week. I know it was a small goal, but it helped me realize I can reach a goal other than passing classes. 

My February goal is to run or walk at least 10 miles a week. I know this is a small goal, but I need to motivate myself while it is cold. Since I will be running a half marathon this summer no matter if it is canceled or not, I need to get/keep my miles up. I will make sure to report at the end of the month. Wish me luck!

January Goal

This month, I will have at least one salad for lunch per week. This should help me get more vegetables in my diet without the daunting task of doing something like this every day. I know I need to find other ways to get more veggies in my life. This is a start. As with my other main dietary goal (intermittent fasting), I will track this in the Simple app. 

Resolution Time

My resolutions went very off track last year, but I am not too upset about that. The time I have spent working from home was getting to me for a while. I even ended up in therapy for about a month. Now, I can see what a blessing it has been for me to be home with my kids since March. I have a closer relationship with my daughter which is HUGE because we had been struggling for a while. I have been here for Sean whenever he needs a hug. I will never wish these things did not happen. 

Now, we are headed into a new year. I need a goal. That is what I am told anyway. I get it. Having a goal with a deadline is best. I need to find a way to not lose sight of the goal. I need a focus for the year that I can break up monthly, weekly, and daily. 

I would love to be closer to Eric like I was a few months ago, but I think I need to back off a bit and let him grow up more and make his own mistakes. Plus, I can't make resolutions that depend on someone else's choices. I will keep praying for him and doing what I can to show him love when he is home.

I really want to make my health a priority this year. I have made some good changes over the last few months, and I want to continue to do this. In November, I started intermittent fasting with the help of an app called Simple. Within a few weeks, I was able to lower my thyroid medicine and officially had my first good liver enzyme test since my fatty liver disease diagnosis These are great indications that I am on the right track to being healthier even though I am not really seeing a difference on the scale. I really believe that if I can get my eating more on track, I will start seeing that difference. At the same time, I know I need to make sure I am exercising regularly. That is another thing that I have been doing for the past few months. I go to the gym about 4 times a week. I can see the difference in my strength and endurance because of this. I, also, know that it will help me have a body shaped how I want it to be. (I'm not ashamed to admit that I have a vision of how I would like to look.)

This is a long way of saying that I want to be healthier in 2021. They way that I will measure this is by looking at my weight and blood test results which I have to do regularly because of my medical problems. My goal is to weigh 160 by next Christmas and continually have good blood test results (I don't think I can go lower in my meds because my thyroid will never fully function properly). This will be almost 40 pounds of weight loss. I think I can do this because it is about what I weighed when Chad and I got married 9 years ago. To accomplish this, I will decide on a monthly habit to work on that compliments the habits that I have in place. 

To keep myself honest, I will post my monthly goals on my blog and track my weekly progress on a blog I share with a friend. I can do this!

Triggers All Over

I have chosen a major because I feel like it is what I am supposed to study. When I tell people what I am studying, I usually get the a response similar to, "What are you going to do with that?" Well, I am am going to help women get out of marriages like my first one or worse. I am going to help empower the those who feel like they don't have a voice. I am going to help them learn that they are loved for who they are no matter what.
This semester, I am taking Intro to Social Work. I am learning a lot about other cultures and how social work was developed. I am also experiencing some triggers. Learning about how people are treated because of things they cannot control is really hard. I could not control a lot about who I was when I married my first husband. I was never good enough. At one time, I was not enough like his mom. Then, I was too much like his mom. I was told I was stupid, not a good mom, a glorified babysitter, and the list goes on. I had truly felt like I had forgiven him, but it is not that easy. I have to keep working on it as he continues to cut me down, and I learn about more injustices in the world.
I know I have a better life than a lot of people, but that does not take away the fact that I am a survivor of emotional, mental, financial, and spiritual abuse. I hope that some day I can work past this and not have triggers in classes or the real world that bring me into a spiral of depression.

What to do Next

I have been feeling really down because I am not able to complete some of the goals I set for myself. Not being able to go to the temple or Eric's graduation threw me off. Then, races started to be cancelled which made it harder to train for a race that I wasn't sure would happen. So, I am refocusing my goals.
I would still like to lose weight. That means I have to get a handle on my eating and keep running. I still think I can lose 30 pounds this year. It will just be a higher number in the end. I did this a few years ago. I need to be as disciplined as I was then.
I can still work on the time goal. I actually would like to get to a 12 minute mile this year. It seems like a better goal. When I looked at my stats from last year, I realized that I ran a 12:30 mile at Ragnar. That means I can do even better this year if I work at it even if I can only run virtual races.
When I comes to spiritual goals, I am making those week by week for the most part. There is a lot I know I can work on, and I think that working on them week by week will help me focus a bit. I did accomplish listening to the standard works. I didn't finish by General Conference, but I did finish the following week. I am calling this a win.
I need to work on a discipleship goal for a class this semester. I am going to work on reading or listing to the scriptures daily for a minimum of 10 minutes a day. I have fallen of in this goal. I really liked how I felt when I was so focused on the scriptures. I will report on this weekly as part of the assignment.

Dusting Myself Off

The COVID 19 pandemic has definitely changed the life of my family. The only person who is still living with the same schedule is Chad because he is a Comcast tech and considered "essential." The kids are doing schoolwork from home, and I have set up a home office in my dining room (not great, but at least I still have a job. I thought it would be an easy transition, but it has not been so easy. Change is always hard, but we are each dealing with it in our own way.
Noel has been doing great with her schoolwork. She wakes up early and gets it done. The problem is that she then has to figure out what to do with the rest of her time. For most of this last week she has been playing her flute and teaching herself how to play "Scripture Power" and a song from Frozen II by ear. I am proud of her for honing in on her passion. The problem is that she is an extrovert. She needs to be around people. Hopefully, this will all be over soon, and she will be able to spend time with her friends.
Sean is my easy going kid. The first few days of doing schoolwork online were rough. Who am I kidding? He has had 2 weeks of this, and it is still a struggle. He sets a timer for 3 hours because that is the estimated amount of time he should be spending per day, but he will not work a minute past that. I am not sure how to convince him that finishing the work is more important than the amount of time he spends on it. This is still a work in progress. He did ask for materials to learn how to draw, though. We got him a sketch pad, a book about drawing people, and a drawing kit. I am hoping that by picking up a new hobby, he will be more willing to work on the required work.
Eric is my biggest struggle. He got a job! He is selling knives over the phone (because he can't go to people's homes). I am so happy for him. He is working harder on this job than he has worked on anything in a long time. The problem is that he is struggling with the motivation to do his schoolwork. He is so close to graduation. I don't want him to miss graduation because his schedule was changed on him and he can't be around his friends. His is my extroverted introvert, and his extrovert side has been struggling a bit.
Chad is still working. He gets to go to people's homes and install or fix their internet or cable tv. His schedule hasn't changed much,but he no longer has a day or two to himself now that the rest of us are home. Thankfully, he is still working!
I still have my job. I am working from home in the corner of my dining room where my sewing machine used to be. That means I get to be between the refrigerator and the back door. This can be a chilly situation, but I am making it work with slipper socks and sweaters. A few days ago, I was told via email that my hours were going to be cut. I don't know much yet, but I am not going to sit around and wait to find out. The day I found out, I started crocheting scrucnchies to sell. Today, I had 14 made and used them to open an Etsy shop. I have plans to make paracord  key chains and knitted hats as well. I want to have a good variety of things in the shop to give me a greater hope of making the money that I will be lacking from my regular job. When things get back to some kind of normal, I will keep my shop as a hobby with hopes to for it to help me pay off debt.

Struggling

Today is the fifth day in a row that I have woken up with swollen feet making it difficult to walk without pain. I get the added fun of my hands being swollen as well for the first day. I don't know what is causing this other than my Hoshimoto's disease.
I think food may have something to do with this, but I have been eating better for the most part for the last few weeks. I know I have eaten more junk this week than I did the previous week. I have heard that sugar can be an inflammatory substance. I'm sure there are other things I have eaten that could cause some of these issues. I may have to stick a bit more to the South Beach Diet than I have been. Giving myself a pass for dinner is not working, and the sugary snacks here and there are causing more issues than I thought.
I am tired of feeling this way. I hate that these symptoms show up more in the winter than any other time of year. I just want to go running on a sunny Saturday, but my feet hurting too much for that.

Goal Update

These goals are hard. The hardest one is losing weight. I crave foods that I know will not help me. I am ashamed to admit that I cave in to those cravings probably more often than I realize. I really need to figure out how to get control of those cravings. I have considered going back to the South Beach Diet, but it was so restrictive that I don't know if I could handle it again. I have been planning my breakfasts and lunches for each week on Saturdays to try to get me on track. I don't know if it is working or not. I know most of my problems are coming from snacking after work while making dinner. I need to stop mindlessly eating when I am at home. I will never lose weight this way.
My running is getting back on track. Last year, I trained more than I did the year before, but I was afraid that I would pass out if I pushed too hard because of passing out last spring. Lately, I have been pushing harder than I did last year. I have not passed out yet. I don't think I will. I am just going to keep on going. Last night I couldn't run as hard as I wanted because I ate too much right before. I am going to take it as a lesson learned. I will not eat a big meal before running again. It could make me feel slick.
I am happy to say that I went to the temple last week. I was so glad that I went. I had been a bit weirded out by an audio book I listened to. I asked myself a few questions like, "Do you believe Joseph Smith restored the gospel?" and "Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true?" and "Is President Nelson a true prophet of God?" I was able to answer yes to all of the questions I asked. I was so glad I questioned myself and went to the temple. It was the best I have felt at the temple in a long time. The drastic difference between how I felt on Friday versus Saturday was huge. I hope to never forget how alive I felt as I pushed away my dark feelings and replaced the with the light given by the Holy Ghost.
Chad and I have been working on the "Come, Follow Me" lessons. I have never really studied scriptures with a spouse before. It feel really good!
As far as cleaning and organizing goes, I have been either throwing away or giving away at least 20 things per week. I am shocked at how much I have been able to throw way. Sean organized the pantry last week and threw out more than half of the food because it was past the expiration date. It was really eye opening how much food and money went to waste just because we couldn't find stuff.

I Have Goals

I have goals. I am not afraid to admit that I have an idea of what needs to change by the end of the year. I don't want to give up on myself this year. I am going to continually make small weekly and daily goals to help me get there. I will keep track of these goals in a notebook, but I am planning to check here every so often as well. I need to get past my fears of myself mostly. When I do that, I will be unstoppable!
My goals for this year:

• run a 13 minute mile
• finish a half marathon (I signed up for one that most likely won't be canceled this time)
• clean and organize the house
• lose 30 pounds
• fit in my size 14 pants by Eric's graduation
• complete all Come, Follow Me lessons for the year
• go to the temple once a month

Be Careful What You Ask For

I have been struggling with listening to the promptings of the Holy Ghost recently. It is not that I have not listened at all. It is more like I do not trust myself enough to realize that is what is going on some times making me learn some hard lessons. For example, last week we were hit with a snow storm with extremely strong wind gusts. It was horrible. The drive home from work was terrifying. There were times I could not see the front of my own car. The thing is, I could have saved myself from this drive if I had not dismissed the promptings I had been given to stay home that morning. I thought I was over reacting to the rain and weather report. I was wrong.
This week, I made a goal to listen the promptings I was given. I think Heavenly Father was also determined to make sure I listened as well. Wednesday night, I prayed to know what small step I could make to help me get healthier because my pants are getting tighter and I have been feeling bloated and generally having a lot of pains that I would not otherwise have if I were to take care of myself. Thursday, I went for a walk with my friend on my lunch break and decided to stretch after while she changed back into her work shoes. I did something to my leg that caused a lot of pain.Then, I sat down on the window sill to get off of that leg and try to wait out the pain. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground with her holding my head yelling my name and one of the managers of the call center telling me to stay down and wait for the paramedics to get there. The other manager stood between the sun and me to make sure I was in the shade as best as possible. I got checked out and it was decided that I was going to be ok. So many people came to my desk to check on me that I decided to call the doctor's office. They did not ask if I wanted to come in; they just asked if I could come in around 4:00 (about an hour after I finally called them). The doctor determined two things: I was dehydrated, and I needed to take my thyroid medicine. This was the answer I was given. Not a simple prompting. It was more like a compelling. I guess Heavenly Father got tired of me ignoring the promptings as well. Like any good parent, He told my stubborn self in a more stern way that He has in the past so that I would finally listen. So...I have a good story to tell and know that my first moves need to be to drink more water and take the medication that I know I have to take for the rest of my life no matter how inconvenient it is to pick up.

Knitting Growth

This year has been a great year of growth in many ways. One area I am very excited about has been with my knitting. I pushed myself harder than I had before to learn things that I had never tried before and started listening to a few podcasts that helped grow the desire to knit more and more. Thanks to a dear friend, I was, also, invited to do things I would have never done otherwise.
I was invited to join a "12 projects in 12 months" group on Facebook where we were challenged to finish at least one project each month of the year. I was not able to do this every month. At least once, I challenged myself to projects that were too big, and there were times that I did not have the time because of other obligations (school, kids, etc.). Over all, I could say that I did finish more projects than I had in years past thanks to the accountability I felt in this group of ladies who were obviously less shy about their abilities than I. I even finished my first pair of socks (tube socks count)!
A few weeks before school started, the same friend invited me to be a test knitter for her lace knitting class online. I was so excited and honored to be asked. I thought I was pretty good at lace. I love lace and had knitted quite a bit of it. However, I learned a lot about knitting from this class. I had heard of some the techniques, but had no idea how they would improve my knitting. I told her when a pattern confused me, and she thanked me and made the patterns more clear (she would have done this for anyone). Unfortunately, I did not complete the shawl/scarf that was given as a final project. It was the most complex lace I have ever attempted. I will finish it this year, though. I just need some uninterrupted time to concentrate on the pattern.
One last big accomplishment I did this year was I knit something without a pattern. I know there are many knitters that do this, but I am not usually one of those people. One thing I love about knitting is that there is a pattern to follow making me not have to think about is. The day before celebrating Christmas with my sister, there I was making a cowl for her without a pattern. I had tried two ear warming headbands that just weren't working for me. I quickly cast on 165 stitches in circular needs with a yarn I was sure my sister would like. It was simple, but perfect. she liked the color and could wrap it around twice. With how cold this winter has been, I am glad I changed my plan.
This next year will be even bigger for me. I have plans for even more growth. First of all, I am going to knit my way through I Can't Believe I'm Knitting Socks by Leisure Arts. I got this book many years ago (I was still married to John), but I have never actually worked out of it. I am very interested in knitting socks, so this book will be used until all of the patterns are knit out of it. Next, I am going to finish 3 shawls that I have on the needles. One is the one from the lace knitting class that I started before I had to devote my time to school. Another one was started when I traveled to Michigan to for my Grandpa's funeral. The third is a circular shawl that I love that I started with yarn I got for my birthday 2 1/2 years ago. All I have left on that one is about a forth of the border (this border is the absolutely black hole knitting). Finally, I am going to finally make some sweaters. I started knitting because I was so memorized by a mom on a field trip making a sweater for one of her kids. I need to stop being a baby and actually make sweaters. If I stop telling myself that it will be too hard, then I can do it. My plan is to make a sweater for Noel first (she is not a small child, but she is the smallest in my house). Then, I will make one for me. If the boys decide they would like me to make them sweaters, I will do that as well. They are not really sweater people though. I know that I can make other things this year as well, but I don't know what they would be at this time. (I have been known to throw in a dishcloth or two on a whim and have my eye on a few hat patterns.)
I am so happy with the skills that I gained over the last year and thankful to my dear friend for helping push me to try things that I had not tried before. It was a great knitting year. I can't wait t o find out what I can do with my knitting this year!