Turning 48

I turned 48 a week ago. I was so excited leading up to this day. However, when the day came, I was not as happy. There is so much behind a birthday in my world. 

Starting with my 44th birthday, I dedicated that I would celebrate it more than I had for a while. Starting with that birthday, I had officially out lived my mom. (I feel like that is not a normal thing to say for people in their 40s, but that's the life of a daughter who lost their mother at a young age.) Now, I can celebrate reaching milestones my mom looked forward to that she didn't get to see. I have been able to see all of my kids graduate high school. She didn't see any of us graduate. I will be able to be there when my kids get married, have their own kids, and anything else that is connected to them becoming full adults. My mom was gone before my sister and I did any of these things. Each year brings more experiences she was unable to experience in this life. I am so lucky to be able to live long enough to experience life in this way. How could I not celebrate this? 

On the other hand, being another year older and not accomplishing what I wanted to achieve in this time is frustrating. I wanted to be working on getting out of debt, but medical bills and car repairs have raised my debt instead. The frustrating part of this is that if we were able to save instead of paying credit card payments, I could have probably paid for these things without payment plans and more credit card debt. I wanted to lose weight and thought Chad's necessary change to his diet would help me. I didn't go on his highly restricted diet. It's hard, and I don't end up in extreme pain when I eat things like red meat, red meat, or fried foods. Plus, I work from home and am not as limited on what I can eat during the day. I wanted to be using my degree by now. I think I am in a way with my second job (Magic Club), but it's not how I imagined using it. Also, I don't need the degree to do this job. Most jobs I have found using my degree don't pay as much when starting as I get paid now. I can't take a pay cut, and I can't add anything else to my schedule right now. I think it is normal to think about what we haven't accomplished as we age. My husband has been doing it for years. The problem is that it is depressing to look at birthdays this way. I want to go back to being happy and excited that I am one year older and get to experience life longer. 

Over the past year good things have happened, too. I have continued to grow my relationships with my children. I was able to help them financially and emotionally (hopefully) when needed and asked. I have become so good at my job that I am actually bored even when I am so busy that I feel like I will never complete my spreadsheets and other tasks. My husband and I have worked on our relationship by doing things like taking walks (until it got too hot), camping, fishing, going to the gym, working in the temple together, and other things. (It's amazing how much better marriage is when both people are all in.) I have a bigger garden this year than I have had in the past. Not all of it has survived the heat we are experiencing this summer, but it's exciting to have so much growing still. I made my best batch of hand soap and have a request from my daughter to make more for her to take with her when she moves out. (I love that she loves my soap.) The biggest accomplishment I made since my last birthday (less than a week after it) was getting my bachelor's degree. I was a 10-year process, but it is an accomplishment that I made that changed me for the rest of my life. 

I have no idea when the next year will bring, for the most part. I have do have some hopes that I would like to turn into goals. I want to be back to being a person to makes and reaches goals. I am in the process of figuring out what I want to accomplish over the next year that is achievable. So far, I know I will be keeping both of my jobs and continue working in the temple one night a week. I will also definitely be planting a garden next year using what I have learned from my accomplishments and failures to make it more successful. I will also continue to read, crochet, and knit. I am thinking that what I need to add to my life is a more regular workout routine. Chad and I have yearly passes to the local rec center, and I want to get enough use out of them to make the money we paid back in December worth it. While doing that, I would like to get back into running in some way. I just don't know what that looks like right now because I am not going to wake up any earlier to run before work. (I get up at 5:00 to have time to do my Miracle Morning and shower before I start work at 6:30.) I think the workouts will be my main focus on top of the other things I am already doing. I just need to refine what I want it to look like.