The Daughter of...

I am a daughter. I will always be a daughter no matter what other roles I have in my life. I am the daughter of an accountant. That's what most people see because I work in billing. My dad is also very religious, as am I. These are the easy things to see. My dad is still alive. 

My mom influenced me as well. I don't know if I have any of her traits quite honestly. I love my mom. I miss my mom. I would love to have her back. However, i am at a point in my life when I have to acknowledge the pain. 

I am the daughter of someone who was mentally ill. She was in and out of psychiatric hospitals for a few years. The first time she went, my sister and I had to live with our aunt and uncle for a few months. I still don't fully understand why, but it was traumatizing. The other times, we stayed home and lived life as normal as possible while periodically visiting her on the weekends. Then, she left, and we didn't know where she went for a while. (I later found out she did this other times, but this time my dad didn't cover up for her.) I have memories of her outbursts, odd stories she would tell us, and her climbing into my bed crying during PTSD episodes when she lived in out basement. I was 15. 

As the daughter of a mentally ill mother, I am always looking for signs of it in me. When I get depressed, is it chronic depression or are life circumstances just hard right now? When I get angry and yell, am I mentally ill, or is this a normal reaction? When I cry uncontrollably, am I mentally ill, or is it ok to be this sad sometimes? I understand everyone has emotions. I know that just because my mom needed a lot of help to care for her brain properly, that doesn't mean I do. I also know that can accept help, and I do from time to time. However, I haven't had anyone even try to diagnose me since I was 13 because I'm scared. Most people are diagnosed with my mom's illness (which was more than just PTSD) are in their late teens to mid 20s. That doesn't mean I can't have the same of similar issues. It just means I'm less likely. 

After talking to a few people that grew up with a mentally parent that have said they have the same fear. However, I still feel alone in this fear. I think I will always be looking for signs of it in me and people around me. 

I am a daughter. I have a mom and a dad. I know the traits I have of my dad's. I don't know if I have any traits of my mom right now other than her smile. I love being like my dad in some ways. I hate that I don't know enough about my mom to know how I'm like her. All I can remember lately is the mental illness and the love she gave us when she was feeling well. 

Surrounding Myself with Spiritual Influences

As I have been working on bettering myself and my circumstances, I have been reading self-help books, working as an ordinance worker in the temple, and doing my internship through Catholic Charities so I can finish my degree. I have had a strong concentration on improvement while not losing my testimony of Jesus Christ. Each step that I am taking draws me closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ because of this concentration. 

This week, I have been doing a lot of e-learning at my internship. Most of it has concentrated on being trauma informed. One thing that I love about these trainings is that they combine mental health concepts with the teachings of Jesus Christ. 

The most recent training that I have been working on is about self care to help with vicarious trauma. One thing that struck me was the concept that to love others and God we must learn to love ourselves. It was pointed out that when asked by the Pharisees, "Master, which is the great commandment in the law?" Jesus gave an answer of love saying, "Thou shalt live the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." Then, He continued this with, "...Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." (Matthew 22:36-39) The last part of these verses tell us we should love ourselves. If we don't, we can't love others the way they deserve to be loved. 

I am working with people who have been through real trauma. They have been dehumanized. They are looked down on by society in general. How can we make a change in even one person's life? I don't have all of the answers, but we need to take care of ourselves and carry on that love and care to those we can. I hope to be able to find my place in this space helping others, but I am learning that as I do what I can to find my space as a helper, I need to learn to care for myself as well. 

Mom Jewelry

There was a time I would have said I would never be ok with Mother's Day. Thankfully, I have finally started to enjoy it over the past few years. I think it took seeing it as a day to honor my contributions as a mother rather than mostly celebrating my spouse's mom because my mom isn't here to celebrate. It's not like I wanted a big thing about me, I just struggled with the reminder that I couldn't celebrate with my mom and didn't have the chance to come to terms with that. 

This year, I decided to honor the mothers that helped shape me into who I am today by wearing jewelry that was either theirs in the past or that they had given me. 

To honor my mom, I wore her CTR ring. It's tarnished from sitting in my jewelry box for many years, but that's ok. I was able to think about the woman that gave me life and taught me that it is ok to be different and expect to be loved. I wish I had embraced this lesson earlier in life. 

To honor my former mother-in-law, I wore a bracelet she gave me a long time ago. This was a reminder of her unconditional love. She took me in and loved me when I needed a mother's love and didn't have a mother on earth to do so. I will forever be grateful for the example she set for me children and me. 

For my stepmother, I wore a necklace she gave me a few years ago. We had a rocky start, but she has always loved my children with all of her heart. Now, we get along well, and I see the strength she has in her to push through the many struggles she still faces on a daily basis. 

I hope to embody the lessons these wonderful women have taught me for the rest of my life. When people say, "You must have had a great mother." I can say, "I had three."

Getting Closer

I finally started my internship this week, and I love it! I have wanted to be part of the solution for so long. With this position, I can finally do just that. 

I am working 16 hours a week with Catholic Charities helping people who need it. I have only done 2 shifts so far, but I have already learned a lot about helping those in shelters. I have mostly observed at this point, but I can't wait until I am trained enough to have a more active role. 

When I was getting divorced, it was known that my job sucked and I wanted a different one. When asked what I wanted to do, I would just say, "I want to make a REAL difference." The problem was I didn't know what I wanted to do or how to do it. All I knew was working in a call center was not going to get me there. 

About 4 years later, after earning an associates degree in business, I decided to go back to school. This time I started with the Pathways program and transitioned into online classes through BYU Idaho. This time I prayed about the program in which I would be enrolled and what career I would be working towards. I had the distinct impression that I should work an a degree in marriage and family studies with the goal of working in a shelter. I have worked hard on this goal while working a full time job in the shipping industry, raising 3 kids, working to have a healthy relationship with my husband, and growing my faith in my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. 

This internship is the last step to achieving the goal of getting my bachelor's degree and a big step towards what will hopefully be a fulfilling career helping people who need it rather than helping line the pockets of corporate executives. Leaning what little I have at this point, makes me want to learn more and strengthens my resolve to do what I can to make this world a better place for those who need it the most. I can't wait to see what the future brings!