Don't Say That

My cousin died last week about a year after his wife died in the same manner. He had been struggling with her loss, but on the surface seemed to be doing better and was even engaged. I don't really know this cousin because I don't know my mom's side of the family very well. I only knew what was posted on Facebook. I knew of his engagement, the brain injury he suffered from a sledding accident in January, the selling of his house, and finding a new home for his dogs saying he couldn't take care of them after his accident. I didn't know about the demons he had been fighting since his wife took her own life. 

When I saw that my cousin's fiancée had posted about him, iI thought it was another one about how much she loved him and the cute things he did for her. It wasn't. He died the same way as his wife. She is devastated. I feel so bad for her. She has posted about her feeling several times as a way of coping. 

Yesterday, she posted first thing in the morning saying how much she missed him. Not knowing how to support someone I don't know who lives in another state, I read through the comments to see what my sister or other cousins might have said. A comment made his late wife's sister telling this poor woman that she needed to think about the daughter that lost both of her parents the same way in 13 months. That's a bit heartless. There are many people suffering because of this loss. They need to be able to do so.

I remember being told I needed to think of the other people that had lost my mom and brother when I expressed grief many times. It started a few days after their death when my aunt told my sister and I that we were selfish for only listing their relationship they had to each other on the planned grave stones. It continued when people at church would constantly remind us that our sister was grieving when we were asked why we were less social than we had been before the accident. Then, it continued after my dad remarried as it was used against me when I was not handling being used as a scapegoat while still trying to figure out how to live without my mom and brother. It still happens every once in a while when I post about them on Facebook from my mom's family.

Those of us who have lost someone special know we are not the only ones who lost them. It doesn't need to be pointed out. When someone dies, the people left behind need compassion. Each person is hurting. Yes, it is tragic that my cousin's kids lost two parents to suicide in just over a year. That has got to be devastating for them! It is also tragic that a lady who was planning a wedding in just over a month lost the man she loves and planned to spend eternity with. If we want to look at all of the people suffering right now, we can include my aunt and uncle who now have to bury another son and my cousins who have lost another sibling. There are undoubtedly many more people that he touched that are sad right now. Don't tell one person who has every right to be devastated by this loss that she needs to think of other people. She knows about them. It doesn't change how she is feeling. 

So Much Destruction

This morning, I read Mormon 6. In this chapter Mormon sent an epistle to the Lamanites requesting they all gather at Cumorah thinking this would give them an advantage in battle. Instead, all but 24 Nephites (including Mormon and his son, Moroni) were killed. Mormon was left crying over the destruction of his people. 

I have never been really into the battles in the Book of Mormon, but this one hit me a bit different. First of all, verse 7 says, "And it came to pass that my people, with their wives and children, did behold the armies of the Lamanites marching towards them; and with that awful fear of death...did they wait to receive them." As I read this I could feel their fear. My heart ached for those mothers watching as this large army came to destroy them. Then, when most of the people had been killed, Mormon did just say they were all gone but him and 24 others, he started in verse 11 saying. "And when they had gone through and hewn down all of my people save it were twenty and four of us..." followed by 4 verses describing the vast number of people killed. Then, verse 16 says, "And my soul was rent with anguish because of my slain people..." How could I not read this and feel deeply for what he witnessed? He did just lose one or two people in battle. (I know the pain of losing two loved ones at the same time.) He lost almost everyone. I could not even imagine what that kind of pain would feel like. 

We often talk about how he was left after the destruction of his people and the loneliness he must of felt. However, I'm not sure we take the time to think about the anguish he felt at this particular time. We gloss over it. Today, it hit me. Mormon lost so much all at once. He was in pain and expressed that pain as he finished off this chapter. Today, I mourn with him. 

The Day

For many years, August 30 has held the worst memory of my life. In 1996, my mom and brother were killed when my mom’s roommate fell asleep at the wheel. Each year gets easier, but I don’t think I will ever really be “over it.” 

My mom was not perfect, but she loved her kids as much as she could. I like to remember how she took care of me when I was sick, always had her home open to us whenever we wanted to spend the night, and loved puppies and kittens to an insane degree. 

Anthony was the best brother I could have asked for. He was my protector and biggest supporter. He would take me along on adventures every once in a while. He laughed with me and cried with me. 

To my mom and brother: I love you! I know we will be together again someday. I long for your embrace, and miss you more than you know.