Searching for Peace

There is no way to ignore what is going on in this country.  People are hurting and angry and want someone to blame. In doing so, they blame people who are non the opposite end of the political spectrum. They do this with so much hate that they don't seem to care who they trample in their path to prove their point. In reality, all this does is create more anger and more hate on both sides. Sometimes, I wish they would sit down together and actually listen without cameras or the goal of proving their own point. I think they would see what the rest of us see if they did this. They are two sides of the same coin. 

This morning I woke up and opened Facebook before starting my day. (This always seems to cause more harm than good.) The first thing I see is someone's "fill Facebook with..." post which of course spewed hate in one direction. As I scrolled down, I see something just as bad spewed in the opposite direction. Both memes hurt my heart. I know there is nothing I could do or say they would change their minds. 

Then, I went to do my Miracle Morning as I should have done before opening anything on my phone. For the meditation part of it I prayed as I always do. This time I prayed for the comfort I needed from the hurt I have been feeling that has been growing over the past however many months or years. Then, I sat I silence and opened my scriptures to 2 Nephi 32. This short chapter gave me direction starting in verse 3. "...feast upon the words of Christ; behold the words of Christ will tell you all things what you should do." This tells me I need to change my focus away from the world and towards Jesus Christ, my rock and redeemer. Then in verse 9, we are told, "But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint..." This tells me that I need to pray more often. I am so thankful that this chapter happened to be the next chapter I was going to read!

As I took my short, morning walk, I thought about this chapter and considered what I need to change to draw closer to the Lord so I can feel His peace. I will be off of Facebook for at least a week, maybe longer. I will not be on TikTok longer than needed to continue my streak with my daughter. (I know it is silly to make that streak important, but it's just something to share with her.) I will watch conference talks in the morning. When Chad get home from work tonight, I will ask for a blessing to calm my mind. I hope that by doing these things, I will be able to heal my mind, body, and spirit. It at least won't make it worse. 

Night at the Temple

Last night I subbed at the temple. Chad and I normally work the 2nd and 4th Tuesdays, but I have been filling in here and there when people go on trips and stuff. The thing is, I don't remember saying I was going to be a sub for this particular night. I remember being asked a few months ago and saying I needed to wait to give an answer because I was waiting to find out what my internship hours would be, but I don't think I ever got back to her. Then, Monday I got an email with me on the schedule for the following evening with a thank you for being willing to sub. (We usually get the schedule of where we will be and when the day before we work our regular shifts.) I was confused and a bit disappointed I wouldn't have the night to rest, but I was a bit excited to be scheduled to be working an endowment session. 

As I drove to the temple, I knew that there was a reason I needed to be there that night and assumed it was just to escape the world for a few hours. When I arrived, I was greeted by three women who thanked me profusely for showing up and being willing to be there (maybe the unanswered question was confusing to them as well). It felt so good and so natural to be there! About an hour in, I was assigned to work in initiatory, but there were too many workers, so I sat waiting to see if more patrons would arrive reading The Book of Mormon. 

I felt the need to read Ether  and started with chapter 1. When I got to the brother of Jared speaking to the Lord about needing light in the barges, my mind went to the symbolism of this. We often find ourselves in darkness needing light in our lives. I personally let current events bring me down a lot lately and crave the peace that Christ can give. Just as the brother of Jared asked the Lord to touch the stone to light the barges, I can ask Him to touch my spirit to bring light into my heart and mind. If I had not experienced the difference between my mind for the past week and my mind in the temple last night, I don't believe I would have made that connection. 

After this wonderful experience, I sat in the chapel with the organ playing familiar hymns and prayed to feel the Spirit of the messages and to be able to assist the patrons in whatever way possible. As I stood to welcome them and ask them to follow me, I could feel His spirit so strong that I already had tear in my eyes. This feeling was so strong throughout the session that it was palpable. Just as in January, the peace and joy I felt made making the sacrifice of leaving my family worth every second of being there. I was meant to be there even if I didn't know it.

I am so thankful to my Savior for the sacrifice He made for me. I am thankful for the grace and mercy He shows me when I need it the most. I have no doubt that I will continue to have these experiences and be shocked and in awe each time my Heavenly Father makes it known He is listening and understands what I need. It isn't the big grandiose signs people look for when the want "proof." It is the small things that we could miss if we weren't paying attention. In this case is was the little things that happened at the temple on a night that I wouldn't have normally worked. 

So Much Destruction

This morning, I read Mormon 6. In this chapter Mormon sent an epistle to the Lamanites requesting they all gather at Cumorah thinking this would give them an advantage in battle. Instead, all but 24 Nephites (including Mormon and his son, Moroni) were killed. Mormon was left crying over the destruction of his people. 

I have never been really into the battles in the Book of Mormon, but this one hit me a bit different. First of all, verse 7 says, "And it came to pass that my people, with their wives and children, did behold the armies of the Lamanites marching towards them; and with that awful fear of death...did they wait to receive them." As I read this I could feel their fear. My heart ached for those mothers watching as this large army came to destroy them. Then, when most of the people had been killed, Mormon did just say they were all gone but him and 24 others, he started in verse 11 saying. "And when they had gone through and hewn down all of my people save it were twenty and four of us..." followed by 4 verses describing the vast number of people killed. Then, verse 16 says, "And my soul was rent with anguish because of my slain people..." How could I not read this and feel deeply for what he witnessed? He did just lose one or two people in battle. (I know the pain of losing two loved ones at the same time.) He lost almost everyone. I could not even imagine what that kind of pain would feel like. 

We often talk about how he was left after the destruction of his people and the loneliness he must of felt. However, I'm not sure we take the time to think about the anguish he felt at this particular time. We gloss over it. Today, it hit me. Mormon lost so much all at once. He was in pain and expressed that pain as he finished off this chapter. Today, I mourn with him. 

My Reading Life

 I have realized that my life has become engulfed in reading. I don’t mind. I read different things for different reasons, and the more I do it, the more I enjoy it. 

I read for spiritual reasons. I have been trying to read from the Book of Mormon for 15 minutes a day for the past few weeks. I’m not perfect at it. There are days when I still forget like when I dive deep into my work first thing in the morning. I like how I feel when I start my day this way though. It gives me a sense of clarity that I don’t get from anywhere else. 

I read for school. I am in my last class, and I have about two chapters a week to read. I fell behind a bit and have been reading a lot this week to try to catch up. It is really good information that I will use to make my final project and hopefully as I navigate my way into this field of work. 

I read to better my financial future. Chad’s brother gave the kids books to try to help them be more successful than their parents. They are all books he has recently read and told Chad they could help as well. I am about halfway through the first one with Noel waiting for me to finish. It has already changed how we invest. I’m hoping to finish it soon, pass it on to my daughter, and start the next book. With only 20 to 25 years before we retire, we know we need to step up our financial game. 

I read for pleasure. When I go to bed at night, I read fiction on my Kindle to calm my brain. I’m currently reading book 5 in the Vampire Knitting Club series. It’s a mindless murder mystery series that has just enough intrigue to keep me reading but not so much that it keeps me up. I read in the Kindle at night because the light isn’t too bright for Chad to fall asleep. I can also open it and read in the middle of the night when the dogs wake me up. 

The best thing that ever happened to my mind was the strikes in Hollywood. There is so little new on tv which gives me the time to sharpen my mind. 

Working on It

Someday, I will get professional help again. It’s not the budget right now, and I’m ok with that. Even though I go into a downward spiral at times, I know it can be worse. It has been worse. Last time it scared me, I got help, and I am working on the coping mechanisms I learned three years ago. It is more important for my kids to be taken care of for now. One of these days they will all be gone, and I will be able to put more into myself at that time. 

What am I doing now? I am exercising more and have started to read fiction again before I go to sleep at night. I am reading in the Book of Mormon more consistently again and listening to conference talks while I work. I switched to watching Heartland instead of intense police and medical dramas. I have cleaned my desk a bit and am looking for more things to get rid of. I have had a few conversations with my husband to tell him what I am stressing out about. 

All of these things are helping a little bit. I think that it will help more as the habits develop. I am working on having hope for the future again. 

A Still Voice

“And it came to pass when they heard this voice, and beheld that it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of a great tumultuous noise, but behold, it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper, and it did pierce even to the very soul—“ Helaman 5:30

We often expect a sign that God hears us and is there for us, but that is often not the case. He does not generally give us the big signs that we seek. It is often said in the scriptures that a still voice came out the darkness. 

When Christ came to the Nephites (one of the most significant events in history), a voice came from the heavens "it was not a harsh voice, neither was it a loud voice...being a SMALL voice, it did pierce them that did hear it to the center...it did pierce their very soul, and did cause their hearts to burn."

We need to stop looking for these big signs. Nephi's brothers saw an angel, but they still did not fully believe. However, when a still, small voice came, it pierced the souls of all that heard it (see the two verses quoted above). 

I would rather have a still, small voice testify to my "very soul" of the truthfulness of the gospel and have to search out my answers than have a seemingly huge sign that would be forgotten later. I know that Christ is my Savior. I know he suffered, died, and was resurrected. Because of Him, I can be forgiven for my sins. Because of Him, I am never alone. Because of Him, I can be with my mom and brother again. I will never again turn my back on the One who saved me.