Feeling Like a Failure

I have been working outside the home for almost 3 years now. I have one child that really remembers when I was able to stay home with him, one child who kind of remembers, and one who only remembers that she could pretty much do anything she wanted while Mom slept because of working the graveyard shift. I don't want to work outside the home all of the time. Don't get me wrong. I like working. I just don't like the stress it puts on my kids, me, and my new husband.

I currently work until 8pm. That means that I take my kids to school in the morning and come home in time to put them to bed at night. I see my kids maybe 2 hours a day, and pay someone else to see them a lot of the other time.

Due to this work schedule, Sean has been acting more depressed, Eric was flat out refusing to go to school today, and Noel has been a lot more clingy. I started trying to set a side more time to spend with Sean on Sundays. Most Sundays I can do this, but the last few weeks have been hectic with trying to clean out Chad's apartment and the washing machine breaking. I don't even know what to do about Eric. I got him to school about an hour and a half late today. The poor kid seems like he has the wight of the world on his shoulders. I keep trying to tell him that all he needs to do is be a kid, but it doesn't seem to help. Noel is just reacting to every thing the only way she knows how. I have started reading to all of the kids at night lately. When I read to her, I sit next to her on her bed and let her pick the book. It seems to help. I just wish I could do more.

Any one who says that working moms are selfish and don't really love their kids are wrong. I work because I have to. I have bills to pay. All the love in the world doesn't keep a roof over the kids heads and food in their bellies.

Goal Update

Ok. I know I'm a day late. Yesterday was a crazy day. I'll get into that on another post.

For my weight  loss goal. I sucked at this one this week. I was having problems motivating my self to do anything. In other words, I didn't work out at all. I need to start running sometime this week so that I can be ready for the Boulder Boulder and Color Run this May. I know I am crazy for doing both of them so close together, but I have always wanted to try the Boulder Boulder, and the Color Run is for a good cause and something I think the kids can do.

As for school work, I got all of my assignments turned in on time! Woo Hoo! I didn't meet my goals of having the chapters read by Wednesday, but I was close. They were finished on Thursday. Since that was a day late, so was the goal of getting my assignments started. They were started on Friday. The good news is that I was able to get them done on time though. I had a team assignment that I ended up doing on my own. I got 100% on it! I now have brought both of my grades up to C's with 6 weeks left in this term. I know I can get them up to B's in no time.

Ok. Goal time. I am going to start running this week. I will start tomorrow morning after I drop the kids off at school (I have errands to run today before work). I am going to follow the Couch to 5k program. I know the Boulder Boulder is longer than that, but I need to start somewhere. For school, I am going to keep the same goals. I will have the chapters ready by Wednesday night and the assignments started by Thursday night. By reading on my lunch breaks and before I go to work, I shouldn't have a problem with this. Wish me luck!

Goal Update

It is Sunday, goal day.

My first goal for the week was to exercise at least 20 minutes three times. I was concerned taht this wasn't going to happen. Then I went to Chad's apartment to help him clean it up and get everything moved out. Yesterday, I spent at least 20 minutes going up and down the stairs twice. Today, I spent even more time going up and down the stairs. This apartment is on the third floor. My butt, legs, knees, and back hurt so much. It totally counts!
My other goal for the week was to get all of my assignments done and turned in on time. I got half of my assignments in. I was foolish enough to procrastinate my homework until Saturday, the day they were all due. By the time we got back to the house last night, it was about 10pm. I can usually get my work done on time within the 2 hours. I probably could have last night had I not been so exhausted.

I am going to keep my exercise goal for this week. I will get exercise for at least 20 minutes 3 times. When it comes to homework, I read the chapters needed for each class by Wednesday and start the assignments by Thursday. Wish me luck!

Complement From the Teacher

I worked hard on a paper for my Introduction to Business class last week. I even went through the heartbreak of my paper disappearing into the abyss. Luckily, I had most of the work in my head, and I was able to re-do the paper and get it turned in only a half hour late (I have online classes). When I opened the grade book I found that not only did I get a perfect 80 out of 80 points, I got a great compliment from my teacher.

"You did an excellent job on this paper in many ways.  I was truly impressed by the way you expressed yourself in this paper.  It is obvious to me that you not only understand the material but put a lot of effort in making this a successful paper.  I especially liked how you integrated into a descriptive paragraph all of the components that Eric needs in order to build a successful business plan.

Your APA style is good. Please continue to use the same format for the rest of our class.

I am sure that you can tell from your grade that your efforts really paid-off! 

Thank you again for this truly enjoyable submission.

Professor Shaps"

I love being rewarded for my efforts!

New Year, Newish Goals

I made new goals for the year. I am going to actually lose weight this year. I am going to run the Boulder, Boulder. I am going to get a B or better in all of my classes this year. These will be challenging goals, but I can achieve them. I will achieve them.
The first goal of losing weight is something I have been saying for a few years now. I am determined that this is my year. I am going to be down to 135 pounds by the end of they year. Had a good start in January. I am down to 171 pounds. The only thing I really changed is that I have been drinking less soda and taking my lunch to work. These changes were made partially because I wanted to lose weight and partially because I can't afford to have vending machine lunches anymore. I am also going to start working out again this week. My goal for this week is to get at least 20 minutes of exercise 3 times.
My next goal for the year is another one that I have listed before. I am going to run the Boulder, Boulder. I have wanted to do this since my dad participated when I was in high school. I am now married to someone who loves running, and he has ignited this dream again, I can't go running outside while it is this cold because of my asthma, but I will start running as it warms up. I am going to do the couch to 5k plan. I have an app on my phone that will help me do this. I am hoping to be able to start this 9 week program in 2 weeks. That will give me time to get up to the 5k level as well as give me a few weeks to continue running the distance before taking on the race with my husband.
My other goal for this year is to get a B or better in each of my classes. I have been struggling in school for quite a while. Last year I was kicked out for non-participation. This year, I am on academic probation because I failed both of my classes last term. I have finally decided that the degree program that I carefully thought out 3 years ago is the right one for me. (I really do like learning about business.) I think that I just needed to get through some junk in my life before I could focus on my future. Now that my present life is better, I am determined to keep up with making it better. I am going to get my degree and have the life that my family deserves! The way that I am going to do this is by getting all of my assignments turned in on time. So far I have C's in each of my classes, but I am only 4 weeks into my 12 week term. I will keep working hard and bring them up to B's in no time.
I know I need to report my progress to someone to meet my goals. I have support at home from my husband to talk to about my daily progress and ways to better fit my goals into the time that I have available, and I will report on my blog weekly. I don't expect that everyone will want to read my progress, but I can track it better by writing and reading my weekly posts.

2.1.12

I married the most wonderful man who loves me for who I am...no matter how crazy!

Pampered Chef Grand Opening

I am excited to announce that I am starting a Pampered Chef business. This Saturday will be my Grand Opening at 6pm at my house! Everyone is invited! The good new is, since I am now a Pampered Chef consultant, you can book your own show with me if you are not able to make it!

Noel is 6!

My sweet girl loves sharing a birthday with her cousin!

Happy Birthday, Noel and Tommy!

Help Tamara Fight Cancer!

Making a Better Me

I have been working lately on making a better me. I was inspired by a Relief Society lesson the last time I went to the Stanley Lake Ward about to-do and to-be lists. I have goals in life that I will not reach if I just sit around doing nothing to better myself (that is where the to-be list come in). I am working on spiritual, physical, and educational goals (the to-do lists). I know I do this a lot, and when things get hard, I seem to quit and go back to the way I was.

First of all, I am working on being more spiritual. I am reading my scriptures every morning. I want to read the entire Book of Mormon again. I am not going to push myself to finish by a certain time. That just stresses me out and makes me stop. I am just going to sit back and read. I can feel the change in my attitude as I do this already.

My next goal is physical. That is where the working out comes into play. I am going to finish this eight week program that I started. I don't know if I will lose weight, but I know I will be stronger by the time I am done.

My last goal is educational. I am going to earn my Associates in Business. I am not dwelling on my mishaps in the past, even if it effects my grade right now. I am not looking forward to see what I will need to do in coming weeks. I know that will just stress me out. My plan is to just take it one week at a time.

I know that by working on these to-be and to-do lists I will be a better mom, sister, friend, employee, and most importantly, a better ME.

Picures By Amber

Holy Muscles!

I have been very sporadic with my exercise in the last year (yes, I am finally admitting it). Yesterday, I got out my Wii Biggest Loser Challenge and decided to, one more time, start a new program. This time I picked one that is mostly Box Fit routines figuring it will keep me interested the longest (time will tell). I, also, decided to do 40 minute workouts. It has been hard! I didn't realize how out of shape I really was or how many muscles I rarely use. While doing the routine set for me today, all I could think was how much my muscles ached. I had to remind myself to keep pushing and finish and that it would be worth it in the end. I haven't worked out this hard in a long time. I sure hope my body continues to let me push through the discomfort each work out that I do.

New Job

I have been looking for a new job on and off pretty for about the last year and a half. I had a few interviews, sent out who knows how many resumes, filled out a lot of online applications. It finally paid off. Yesterday I was offered a new job! I will be starting on November 14. I will be in another call center, so I know it is not exactly ideal. However, I will finally have Sundays off, guaranteed! They aren't even open on Sundays (for now at least)! I will be taking a bit of a pay cut, but I am positive that I can make that work. I am willing to make the slight sacrifice in pay to have the time with my kids.

I have to thank my dad for recommending me to apply. I know he will get some kind of spiff for me working there, but I know that he also understood how unhappy I was with my hours at my current job.

There are only two bad things that I can think of right now with me getting a new job. First  of all, I am losing my babysitter. She is the best babysitter I have ever had. She truly loves my kids, and they love her. The days and hours won't work for her, which I totally understand. The other thing is that I will be leaving my friends at Dish. I have made some great friends, and I hope that we can continue those friendships.

October 15

Sean was baptized by his Grandpa Crumpley (he is the expert, you know).

I was so proud of him for making this decision.

Eric's Favorite Tradition

When going through the mound of paper in Eric's backpack, I came across and assignment he had done about his favorite tradition. As in the past, I am going to copy exactly what he wrote including punctuation.

My favorite tradition is when we eat chicken on the 4th of July. It was my mom's idea. We usually get KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken). On the side, we get macoroni. My brother, Sean, is always dejected and thinks we should get McDonald's. But then I say, "So what?: Anyway, back to the tradition. My favorite part of the tradition is that the chicken is delicious. It's so delicious, I always crave it! Whenever July 4th comes around, I feel triumphant inside, because that's the day I can eat the best chicken in the world! As you may have noticed, I love to eat chicken on the 4th of July.

 

Lost Dog

Our dog, Lexie, ran off on Friday. She is a sweet dog. My poor boy misses her so much!  I hope we can find her soon.

Where Did I Go Wrong?

I don't know what is wrong with me today. I know I have a pretty good life. I have good kids, a job, and I am starting back at school on Monday. The thing is, I feel really depressed today. I keep thinking of the things that have gone wrong in my life.

I never wanted to be a single mom, and I didn't get married to get divorced. I got married when I was 20, and we were sealed in the temple a year and a half later. I lived a very strict lifestyle for most of my marriage. No matter what I did or didn't do, I was never good enough. I didn't clean the house well. I didn't take care of the kids properly. I had medical issues that made it hard to get pregnant. I didn't do anything like his mom in the beginning. Then, I was too much like his mom. I wasn't religious enough. Then, I was too religious. I had gotten to the point that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was one person at work, another at home, and another at church. What it all boiled down to was he cheated on me several times and finally left me for someone else.

I try to be a good mom. I have people tell me that I am. Most people that have babysat my kids tell me they are good kids. The problem is that I can't keep them in bed, get them to eat most of my cooking, or do their homework with out a struggle.

I feel like Eric's teacher blames me when he doesn't do his school work. I do make sure he gets his homework done most of the time. When he comes home with unfinished work from the last month it frustrates me. This kid spends most of his day in school, misses his only 15 or 20 minute recess most of the time, and I have to try to keep him engaged for one or two hours when he gets home. She has him call me and tell me the work he needs to complete, and today he didn't even have that work at home for me to help him. I want to be a good mom, but how can I when my almost 10 year old doesn't even bring home the work.

Noel is very clingy lately. I don't totally know why. I know she doesn't like that I have to work so much, but that is not something that is going to change. Without another income, I have to work as much as possible. It seems to be worse for the first few nights after she spends the weekend with her dad. I wish there was something I could do that would help her, but nothing I do works.
Sean is a sweet boy. I do feel lucky that he has adjusted to change well. I wish he didn't try to follow his brother's lead so much. I need to find a way to teach him that he is special just because he is Sean, not because he is Eric's little brother.

My job is a job. Some days it is ok. Other days it sucks. I should probably get a new job, but lately I lack the motivation to apply to more jobs. I had an interview in April that I felt really good about, but I got turned down for the job. That was the fourth or fifth interview that didn't work out. I was so discouraged that I decided not to even try for a while. Now, I just don't feel like I have the time.

My life is not how I thought it would be at 33, and not how I want it to be by the time I am 34. I do like my life most of the time. I just have days where I look at my circumstances and feel depressed. I want more out of life. I want to be a man to put his arms around me and tell me he loves me. I want to have a job that makes a difference. I can't even call my mom to vent. My sister and dad are great, but sometimes I just want my mom.

It's Thursday...Update Time!

I have been doing better at getting my work outs in. Having that jar on the counter to track my time working out helps with the motivation a lot! I have decided that I am going to do a girls night at my house when the jar is filled. I am going to get the Wii out and have everyone bring snacks and just have fun. I am happy to announce that I get to go to Walmart and buy some pretty yarn this weekend! I haven't lost any weight, but I am hoping that is soon to follow.

My house is cleanish most of the time. I think I am just going to keep doing my best rather than make a specific goal. I have been so busy cleaning up after mice, that I can't even think about one specific room cleaned and vacuumed every day (not that I am not cleaning my house).

I am going back to Everest Online University. I started the process yesterday, and if everything goes well, I will be starting classes on October 17. I will be finishing up my Associates in Business for now and go from there. I need to make a better life for me and my kids. I want to be the example they deserve. I want to be happy in my career.

I'm In Love!

The screen saver on my computer cycles though my pictures.  Every time I look at it I see my beautiful children as they grow up. I am so lucky to be their mom!