Continuing to Receive Answers

Life has been hard lately. To say I have felt knocked down is an understatement. Over the past month, I have found myself turning to my Heavenly Father more than ever. Each time, He answers in the ways that I need. It isn't always big, but it doesn't have to be for me to know that He is there, answering my prayers, and caring about my mental wellbeing as well as my spiritual wellbeing. 

This week, I have been in tears several times not knowing how to deal with the pressures and rejections I have been facing. On Tuesday, I went for my regular shift at the temple where I was reminded that it was the right place to be over and over. I could feel the love of Christ as I performed my duties and served the patrons the way the Lord would have me do. On Wednesday, Chad and I took our regular walk. As he always does, he listened to me as I rambled on about my day. When we got close to the end, I told him how I was feeling about the rejection I had recently faced and the stress I was feeling about all of the medical issues in our household right now. When we got back to the house, he sat with me on the sidewalk in front of the house and just let me cry and let my feelings out. I told him I felt like life has been crapping on me since I was 10 (when the grandma that lived with us was diagnosed with cancer and died). He just listened and let me air it all out. I needed that more than anything at that time. Then, my child with no voice asked me to take them to their next specialist appointment. I thought this was going to be a difficult endeavor because I would have to work with both of my bosses to make this happen. I said a prayer and texted them both. I had to ask one to be able to work and hour earlier that day, and I had to let the other know that I would not be able to work the last day of Magic Club for the semester. Both were understanding when I explained what was going on. That was a small answer to my prayers that I needed but wasn't sure would work out. I know most people would look at these things as coincidence or people just being caring, but I choose to see them as God showing me the compassion that I really need right now. 

This morning, I was once again in tears after the second call in about a week in which my parents made sure that I know they will not be helping me in any way and that things are harder for them. (My stepmother has significant health issues, and my dad works very hard at his job.) I understand that my struggles are not as bad as other people, but it would have been nice to be shown some compassion while I'm in the trenches this one time. I prayed this morning, as I usually do, for my child to be healed and to feel God's love once again. Then, I read my scriptures, did my daily affirmations, and got in the shower where I was hit with a stronger wave of depression. I did all I could do at this point. I closed my eyes, looked up to the sky, and just prayed for this feeling to be taken from me. As I got out of the shower, I had a feeling I should listed to a talk from General Conference. I opened the app on my phone and pulled up the next talk in my queue. It was All Who Have Endured Valiantly by David A. Bednar. Just reading the title of the talk helped me know the Lord was listening to my prayers. As I listened to the talk, I was reminded that I am here to grow spiritually. I have been given spiritual gifts to help me and others through this life. I need to look for ways to show charity to others and help them make it through this life as well. I have been shown compassion throughout the last few weeks by people outside of my family such as both of my bosses, the temple workers on my shift whether they know what is happening or not, my husband, and my children. It is my turn to show compassion and serve. Elder Bednar said, "As we follow, love, and serve the Savior, we gradually focus less on our own desires and interests and more on understanding and addressing the needs of others...Charity, then, ultimately possesses us." This is my answer today. I need to stop turning inward and worrying about myself. I need to turn outward and look to help those around me. 

Magic Money

I have accrued more debt than I want to admit since the pandemic. It's not as much as some people have confessed to, but it is more than I am comfortable having. This debt doesn't count the car or house. It also doesn't include Chad's student loans. (Chad and I have been paying car payments and his student loans through an account that only pulls money from his paychecks for most of our marriage, and that will continue for the foreseeable future.) I am talking about credit cards in only my name. Cards that have been used to pay for trips, clothing, Noel's dental work, and who knows what else. At the beginning of the year, I finally opened my eyes to what I had been doing and calculated how much I owed and how much I paid in just minimum payments. I was shocked! I knew that we would be doing better financially if I hadn't done this, so I prayed for a way to attack this debt. 

During one of my shifts at the temple last month, I took advantage of the quiet moments to pray for guidance. The thought that I had broken something with this debt was dominating my thoughts. As I sat in relative silence, the thought that I should work for my bishop came to my mind. I knew he had started a business teaching kids magic after school and during the summer, but I didn't think he would hire someone for this. I thought that I was crazy for even considering this. I told myself that maybe I should work for his sister who owns a pickleball facility, but I didn't really want to have to drive that far to just make a bit of money to pay off debt. I tried to put it out of my mind and think of other part-time jobs that I could work around my full-time job and the work I do in the temple. (I don't get paid to work in the temple.) A week after I felt prompted to ask the bishop for a job, he and his wife both posted that he was hiring for after school clubs. I knew this was a sign that I needed to do this. I applied right away and was hired the next day. 

Now, I get to learn and teach magic to elementary school kids. It is so much fun! It doesn't even feel like a job! I couldn't have asked for a better way to pay off bills and work in the public. I can't believe I am so lucky to have this job!

After Day 1

Yesterday was the first day of the April session of General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Chad and I watched the first 2 sessions of the day together, then he went to a Mammoth game with his brother while I watched the last session on my own. I really enjoyed listening to the talks and music. They filled my home with the Lord's spirit. 

I went into the day with one question. "What can I do to progress in life?" I have been working on getting an internship but feel like I have been stagnant or slipping backwards in so many other areas lately. I want to progress spiritually, financially, in my relationship with Chad, and in so many other areas of my life. Before conference started, I prayed for an answer to this question going that, like others have said they have done, I would receive an answer. I got my wish. 

As I listened to the talks, I got an overwhelming feeling that I need to grow my relationship with the Savior. I thought about this impression as the talks continued and during downtime. I'm pray daily, read my scriptures most days, go to the temple on a regular basis, and attend church and partake of the sacrament each week. What am I missing? 

I need to get past the checklists and follow the spirit to guide me towards a better relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I am going to read Jesus the Christ. At first, I thought I would have to borrow the book from someone since I am not buying new books this year. I was a bit worried about doing this because I am a slow reader, and it would probably take a few months for me to finish it and return it. Thankfully, I don't have to do this. The entire book is available on the Church's website. I can read it directly on the website or app, listen to it, or print it one chapter at a time. I have decided to print it piece by piece and put it in a binder as I go. It may take me a while to finish this book, but I feel strongly that it is my next step to grow my testimony and relationship with my Savoir. 

Be Still

 About 4 months ago, Chad and I went to the temple and prayed for guidance on what to do with our professional lives. After doing an endowment session, we sat and prayed and soaked in the peace of the Celestial Room. As we did so, I go the impression to "be still." The longer we sat there, the stronger the feeling was that I just needed to be still. 

We drove home talking about our impressions. He seemed to be given a clear answer, but I was quite confused about what I felt I was being told to do. What did "be still" mean? As I contemplated it over the next few days, I decided to lean into it and try to figure it out. I even bought stickers with a scripture about being still on them. I began to think that it meant that I didn't need to do anything other than support my husband in his endeavors. I had been going to school for quite a while, and he had supported me for so long. Maybe it was his turn to shine. As time went on, I think I became more chaotic in some ways rather than still and supportive. 

Fast forward to last night. I was reading, annotating, and highlighting a General Conference talk that I had chosen at random from my General Conference Addresses: Journal Edition book from the most recent conference. The talk it landed on when I opened it was, "Seek Him with all Your Heart" by Bishop L. Todd Budge. The theme I picked up on from it was the importance of being still. THIS WAS THE ANSWER I WAS LOOKING FOR! It had been right here in a talked given in October. How did I not catch that months ago? 

In this talk he has many nuggets that stuck out to me. First of all, he quoted President Nelson saying in 2021, "...quiet time is sacred time - time that will facilitate personal revelation and instill peace." He later points out, "The gospel of Jesus Christ gives us opportunities to return to Him often. These opportunities include daily prayers, scripture study, the sacrament ordinance, the Sabbath day, and temple worship...what may be needed is not necessarily more time but more awareness of and focus on God during the times we already set aside for Him." The final nugget that stood out to me was, "As we concentrate our hearts and minds on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and listen to the still, small voice of the Holy Ghost, we will have greater clarity about what is most needful, develop deeper compassion, and find rest and strength in Him."

I don't need to just do nothing. I don't need to sit back and support my husband. I need to be still as I develop a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. As I do so, I will have more clarity in my life and receive answers to my questions. I need to let go of the chaos and lean further into the light available to me through the gospel.

Laundry Day - Take 2

Since I have a major fail when it came to doing laundry yesterday, I had to do it today. Chad had the day off, so I had a different helper that usual. We loaded up the car with the family laundry and set off to the laundromat to find that there was a car show on the street of the one we usually go to. With a week and a half of laundry, we were not going to park a block away and carry it. Chad searched laundromats in a neighboring town, and we drove the 15 minutes to get there. 

The place we found was not ideal, but it was also not the worst one we have been to. It was very clean and spacious with plenty of folding tables, other tables, and places to sit. The lady working there was so kind and helpful, too. The only issue we had was there were a number of machines that were out of order, and the large capacity machines were all being used. We filled five machines and still had quite a bit more to do. About 10 minutes into the loads we had started the lady that worked there plus two more people searched me out to let me know one of the big machines was available. One of them even made sure it stayed available for me. I have never been treated so kindly at a laundromat. Usually, people are respectful, but never that helpful. If it were closer to my house, I would go there more often for that reason alone. (They were just as helpful to another lady that w came in with a lot as well.) 

I have been in such a crabby mood for the last few days (especially yesterday) and praying for help with my overwhelm all week. Today, I was given an answer to my prayers through those kind strangers at the laundromat 20 minutes from my home. I am so thankful for these small miracles in my life. It made me feel loved. 

Caught in the Storm

 Yesterday, Noel and I drove up to Cheyanne, WY for a graduation party for her friend. We left in poring rain  in the late afternoon. By the time we made it to the next exit, it was hailing. As we made our way to our exit, the hail was getting harder and bigger. I sat on the off ramp worried that our windshield would break. I told Noel we would stop under the overpass until the hail passes, and she agreed it was a good idea. Then, it calmed down just enough as we got to that point, so we just went on our way. It was still raining hard, so I drove a bit more cautious than normal as our little car was bullied around by wind and the backwash of other vehicles. We drove through Greely and Eaton before the rain started to subside. It took even longer before we stopped having to drive through large puddles. We made it to our destination safely and had no issues as we drove home. 

I am thankful that we were kept safe. As I was driving, I was reminded of a time driving home from visiting either my mom or brother in the hospital when the weather was just as bad and I was scared. I said a prayer in the backseat of that car that we would get home safely and it started to clear. This time said a silent prayer as I drove and it got better as well. Prayers are answered. It doesn't matter if we think the prayer will be important. Our Heavenly Father is waiting for those prayers and willing to provide us with the answers we need.