Those Temple Feelings

 I am finally at a point in my life when I can leave my kids for a few hours without feeling guilty. That means I can go to the temple more often. I love the peace I feel when I’m there. It calms my heart and soul. 

Tonight, Chad and I went together. It started out a bit frantic. We forgot the name cards for the ancestors we were going to do work for on the table. Then, I felt like I was dropping my keys and wallet while I getting out my recommend as we walked in the temple. Then, as I settled into the chapel, there were a few ladies talking and going in and out as they tried to turn on the organ music just to have one more come in and flip on a switch to turn it on. I sat there a bit frustrated, hoping it would get better. I said a silent prayer to feel the Spirit as I participated in the session and started reading in the scriptures as I felt directed to do so. My mood changed immediately. 

As I participated in the session, I felt amazing! I kept thinking about when I could go back, how often I could attend, and trying to figure out if I could fit being a temple worker in my schedule. I left feeling refreshed and renewed. I decided that I am going to make an appointment with the bishop after my trip to find out if I would be able to work at the temple in some capacity. Between the wonderful feeling I felt tonight and the draw I have been feeling towards family history, I feel like I need to spend as much time as possible in the temple. 

Almost Missed Them

We keep thinking about buying Girl Scout cookies, but we weren’t sure who was selling them this year. The girl we bought them from the last few years had a family crisis, so there was very little information about whether or not she was selling them this year. (I totally understand. I just didn’t know who else had Girl Scouts, and I try to support my friends’ kids when I can.) Finally, Noel and I ran into a cookie booth as we were leaving ARC. We were happily surprised that it was someone we knew. I bought two boxes of Tagalongs, two boxes of Thin Mints, and one box of S'mores. I knew as I got into the car that I was missing Samoas but figured that I had more than enough to make people happy. I was wrong.

Chad was sad about the lack of Samoas. I pointed out that he could search out a cookie booth and buy some. I fairly certain he would have if our friend had not posted her daughter's digital cookie site. He jumped on the chance to get his Samoas without leaving the house with the added bonus of our friends that have been going through so much. I hope she is able to get closer to her goal by the time they are done selling. 

So Tired

I have learned through the years that if I have a headache, I am either very tired, dehydrated, or both. Most of the time, I’m tired. Today was one of those days. 

I woke up with a headache that would not go away with ibuprofen or a considerable amount of water. Since I have responsibilities at church, I went with a slightly dulled headache from my efforts. It was not great, but I feel that I made the right choice. 

Once I was home, I took some Aleve, ate a sandwich, and went to bed for a couple of hours. I woke up feeling much better and able to go to a training meeting for my calling. 

Hopefully, I will sleep better this week. I don’t know why I have been struggling with it so much lately. 

Mammoth Tradition

Chad and his brother, Jeremy, have been going to Mammoth games since before I met them. Jeremy buys season tickets for the two of them. Ever since the first year we were married, they have taken the kids and I at least once a year as well. We love and look forward to this tradition! Sean struggles with large crowds and a lot of noises, but he will endure it for this game; Eric now brings Peyton along; and Noel asked about going at the beginning of the season. They sometimes say we don’t have traditions (which really isn’t true), but I know they like this one. I am so thankful for Jeremy’s generosity! 

Introverted Problems

I am an introvert, for the most part. I have been for as long as I can remember. In my preschool report card (I do still have it), I was marked down because I would rather play in a group of two or three rather than with the class. I am still this way in many ways. I also dread meeting new people. What if they don't like me? What if they think I'm weird? What if I am just not good enough to hang out with them? Some of these what ifs keep me from meeting new people that I later find out I would have really gotten along with, and sometimes they keep me from getting to know people I have already met better. I like to be included in things but fear the actual mingling part of it. 

This semester I have a class that really stretches my comfort level. I have an assignment in which I am supposed to go to a service club, such as Lions Club or the like, meeting. I could not find one in my area and got permission to go to a town hall meeting (thank goodness). Another assignment has me doing eight hours of service. I have known about this one for many weeks. I now have three weeks to complete it, and I get scared each time I think of reaching out to a local shelter or the victims advocacy group to find out if there is something I can do. At this point, I am hoping I can count making preemie hats for babies. The next assignment that has me shaking is one in which I need to interview two people who run nonprofit organizations. I have already texted my amazing cousin who founded and runs Foster Love which provides a "shopping" experience for foster kids at no cost to them or the families. I need to find another nonprofit that gives service to families or children in the next few weeks and set up a specific time to talk to Amber. (That is really hard for me.) Sometimes I wonder why I was lead to this major. I am sure I will be shown the why, but that won't happen if I let my fears get to me. 

I do not hate people. I love people. I love collecting their stories. Unfortunately, I live under the assumption that people do not like me or wouldn't like me if they got to know me.  

Strawberry Cream Dr. Pepper

We get Dr. Pepper every week for the household. Usually, we get cream soda and cherry Dr. Pepper but today we got strawberry cream and cream soda. I wanted to try this new flavor and was trusting it well enough to not get my regular flavor. The good news is that it is actually good. I would definitely drink it again. 

Food Problems

Chad regularly goes grocery shopping on Monday while I am working. This week, that could not happen because we have to wait until tomorrow when I get paid. That does not mean we have no food in the house. However, it does mean that a lot of the food we normally eat is fine, and we have had to get a bit creative. Last night, Chad made chicken nuggets from scratch. They were pretty good, but they were a bit dryer than I would have liked. He said next time he will try a different recipe. Tonight, we had hamburgers. Since we usually only cook 6 of the 8 burgers from the package, we had several packages with two patties in each. We had two left over buns from last week and a few sandwich thins that served the purpose well. The cheese was a bigger issue. The only cheese we had was string cheese. We each took a stick and manipulated it to fit on the burger the way we wanted. They weren’t as good as usual, but the weren’t bad either. 

Tomorrow, the kids and I will have a “gas station breakfast” like we did when they were younger. Then, I will go grocery shopping when I get off work. I can’t wait to have my regular foods again!

Chore Wheel

Last month, as a family we agreed on chores that we would take turns doing on a daily basis. We decided who who start with what chore and agreed to rotate them each week. We did it the first four weeks without a reminder of who was doing what. We probably could continue to do so, but that depends on how well I remember the rotation. Since I had to write N or S on the calendar to remind them who is supposed to take care of the dogs each week, I made this wheel to help us with this simple chore rotation. As I was making it, I let everyone choose a sticker to represent them from my box of stickers. I am quite happy with how it turned out. 

This Girl

 What happens when I leave my phone unattended around Noel? You would think I would've learned not to so such things by now. 

Overwhelmed

 I am overwhelmed quite often lately. My classes this semester are the hardest classes I have ever taken. (That makes sense because I have never taken 400-level classes until now.) Of course, this means that I do not have as much time for my husband or children as I have had in past semesters. I still try to give them as much attention as I can, but it is not always possible. What does this mean? I get guilt trips (mostly from Chad) about how I do not spend enough time with them, I feel pulled in many directions from day to day, and I don't really have much time for myself. 

I want to be able to feel like I have time to make real dinners like I used to, but that is not always possible. I guess if I started early in the day, I could do it. Who wants to start making dinner that early though knowing that it may be ready before Chad gets home from work or after whatever time sensitive thing is happening that day (church activities, Noel being picked up by her dad, Chad going to a lacrosse game, etc.). My days for cooking are Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. I could cook a real dinner on Saturdays, but Sean would probably not eat it which would leave only Chad and I to eat all of that food. I just feel like it would be a waste without Noel. I don't always want to really cook, but I wish I could when I was in the mood. 

I want to be able to go out with friends without a guilt trip. I have plans on Monday with a friend that I don't get the chance to meet up with as often as I would like because of our schedules. I have been guilted by everyone about "abandoning" them. I literally have to take the day off of work to hang out with this friend. I work from home. I am here with them every day. Why can't I just have this one day this month to leave the house alone? 

I want to be able to visit my dad more often. Really, this is not on anyone. We just simply don't have the money for me to go out there very often. Thankfully, I am able to go more than I could in the past, and I am excited that I can go in a few weeks.  Maybe when I am done with school and no longer paying out of pocket for tuition, I could go more often. (One more reason to work hard and finish this degree.) Maybe I won't feel so much like I am letting my daughter down by leaving her behind after she is 18 and has a bit more say about what she does on the weekend, and I no longer have to ask permission to take her out of state. Really, she will be 18 later this year, and I will be done with school next year (hopefully). (Happy thoughts...)

I really want to be able to take a warm bath. No one is stopping me. I have done it a few times in the last couple of months. I am actually encouraged by Noel and Chad to do it more often. (It must be obvious that I need some time for self-care.)

I guess, I should concentrate on what I can do right now with what I have. I can take a warm back as I read a book. (I am currently reading Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry.) It's not a bad place to start. 

Feeling Cheated

I was in TikToc today just watching stuff on my For You page when three times in a row I saw posts for an open verse challenge from Dean Lewis for his song How Do I Say Goodbye . Each person poured out their heart as they presented a verse that beautifully illiterates how it felt to be in the hospital as a parent dies in the hospital. I could feel their anguish. The problem is that I felt a bit jealous at the same time. 

I didn’t get the chance to really say goodbye to my mom and brother. I did say goodbye when my mom stopped by to let me know they were headed out of town a bit earlier than they had planned, but there was an expectation that they would come back. I lost the person “who gave me my name and the color of my eyes” suddenly. There was no warning. 

I love this song! It really captures how it feels to lose a parent. In some ways it takes a bit of the sting away. (Yes. It still hurts sometimes.) It gives a bit of a sense of normalcy knowing that my feelings have been valid. 

Going to Utah

My dad's back yard

I am going to Utah next month with Sean. I bought the tickets and sent the itinerary to my dad to make sure he knows when I we need to be picked up and when we need to be back to the airport a few days later. I am really excited! I can't wait to get away for a little while. I am stuck in my house way too much, and I think it is affecting my mind again. I need a change even if it is only for a few days.

I know some people would ask why I am taking only Sean. Well, that answer is simple. He is the only one that can just leave without having to make arrangements or getting permission to do so. We will be leaving March 4 (a Saturday). Chad works Saturdays, and Noel has to be at her dad's house that weekend. I looked for tickets at a time I could take Noel, but they are about twice as much for the week of spring break as they are a the beginning of the month. Sean no longer goes to his dad's house and doesn't have a job and also wants to get out of the house. 

I don't have to take anyone with me. I went alone last time. I thought it would be nice to take at least one of the kids with me this time. I am only going to visit with my parents and see my best friend which makes this a perfect time to take someone with me. Sean needs some one on one time. He rarely gets it anymore now that he is done with high school and the clubs he was involved in. He used to get that with me when I picked him up.  (Noel gets one on one time when I pick her up from her dad's most Sundays.) 

I am excited for this trip. It will be a great mental reset, and I get to see my dad and my  best friend. 

Knitting Updates

I have finished three projects since I shared any pictures. First, I finished the gnome mittens. They left me with the desire to do more color work, but I would like to do it with bigger needles and heavier yarn. Next time, it will be a hat. Then, I finished another pair of socks for me. I’m still loving socks. They are great for keeping my hands busy when I need to be paying attention to something else. Most recently (as in today), I finished socks for Noel. I love that I can use the same pattern for both of us by just adjusting the length a bit. I still have a shawl in progress that has a knitted on, Celtic cable boarder. It will be a while before it is finished. The boarder is time consuming and requires a bit more attention. 

 What’s next? I have yarn for another pair of socks for me, and I am trying to muster up the will to make socks for Chad and Sean. (Their feet are bigger.) I have considered making Eric and Peyton socks as well, but I have yet to ask how long they need them to be. I, also, was given a unicorn crochet book for Valentines Day that I will be working out of. There are some cute stuffed unicorns, bookmarks, blankets, and more. Crochet is not my favorite, but I will do it for the right pattern. (The book was something I asked for, so it has the right patterns.)

My gnome mittens drying on a towel.

My socks

Noel’s socks

Today’s Workout

I went to the gym today alone, and I LOVED it. I usually go with Chad and try to find enough to do while he runs and rows. Today, I was able to dictate how much time I was there which made it feel more natural and didn’t leave me wondering what to do for an extra 15 to 30 minutes. I walked on the treadmill at a 3 for 15 minutes then went to the weights to work on my arms for another 15 minutes. It felt great! I left with more energy than I have had for a long time. It was the perfect length of time. I can’t wait until I go back Friday!

Testing Woes

My school has started using Proctorio to proctor exams to try to prevent cheating. I have had classes that use it off and on for a couple of years and never had a problem until last night. I had an exam for my Family Theories and Dynamics class that was due by 11:59pm. I started taking it around 9pm. (Have I mentioned that I am a professional procrastinator?) I got through question 10, and the dog bumped my laptop which caused my camera to go out. This triggered a chat with the Proctorio people. They decided that it would be best to refresh the page and have me go back in, so they kicked me out and refreshed the page. When I tied to get back in, I couldn't. The exam was set for only one attempt. I had to send my teacher an email to explain what had happened. Luckily, she agreed to reset the exam so I can take it and gave me through Monday. I hope I can have the same momentum I had at the time I got kicked out as I do the test on my desk where the webcam can't be bumped by a dog. 

Our Month

February is really our month. Our anniversary is the 1st; Chad's birthday is the 9th; Valentine's Day is the 14th (I guess that one is for everyone). Last night, we went to a Valentine dance at the church. When it started, I was convinced that I was not going to like it because the main friend that I hang out with at church parties is out of town, and I didn't know who we would socialize with this time. Eventually, I found other friends for us to talk to, and the music got better for us to dance. Tonight, we went out to eat for our Valentine date. It was our second time going to Ted's Montana Grill. It changed since last time we went, but the food was still really good, and Chad was able to have a bison burger. I love that we have a month to celebrate us. At the same time, I am glad that is is mostly done. I need some me time. 

Heed Not

This morning, I listened to Elder David A. Bednar’s talk, “But We Headed Them Not.”  I really needed this message this morning. It’s not that I feel particularly picked on right now. I just feel like I needed a reminder to fortify myself so that when things happen, I can have a firmer foundation of truth. 

In this talk, Elder Bednar talks about the song Let Us All Press On. I l loved this hymn growing up and still have fond memories of learning it in primary and listening to my dad sing it sitting next to me in Sacrament Meeting. I never really thought about the meaning of the words, though. 

“…We will heed not what the wicked may say.” How do we “heed not?” We keep our covenants and “hold fast” to the word of the Lord. By doing this, we can fortify ourselves against those who will try to destroy our testimonies and pull us away from what is really important. 

I love this talk! I love that the Church has given us the resources we need to draw closer to Jesus Christ and learn from Him. 

He's 49

 

Happy birthday to the man who has taught me how it feels to really be loved! He came into my life when I needed him the most. I needed someone who respected me. I needed someone who wanted me to just be myself. I needed someone who would encourage me to better myself. I am lucky to be the girl who gets to call him my husband! 

Sock Saga

A few weeks ago, I ordered some new sock yarn that I was very excited about. As I finished the socks on my needles, I pictured the purple based stripe socks I would be working on next. The time finally came, and I opened the package to find a blue based striped yarn. I was so disappointed but started the socks anyway because it was the yarn I had. The more I knitted, the more disappointed I was with the yarn. I even put them to the side and worked on other projects last week because I didn’t want these socks. Finally, I decided I needed to find someone who would love them. When I told Noel my plan, she said she liked them. That was such good news. I didn’t even have to measure her foot because I made her some socks last month. For the rest of the day, I happily worked that first sock and started the next one. Now, I can’t wait to finish them because I love the look in her face when she is gown something. 

Running Update

 

A beautiful picture taken a the end of my run. 

I am happy to say that my running is getting to be more consistent. I really like that the Galloway RunWalkRun method is so customizable. I am currently running 30 seconds and walking 30 seconds. I am sure I will be able to raise the amount of run time as my body gets used to it again. 

Right now, I am getting ready to do the virtual Wonder Woman 5K that I planned to run around Thanksgiving. I had to stop my training in the fall because of an Achilles tendon injury. I was able to do a 5K with Chad in December (the Colder Boulder), but I had basically lost my mojo by then and have struggled to really get going since. Thankfully, it is slowly coming back and the snow melts. I know I can go to the gym and run on the treadmill, but it is not the same. I know I need to be more serious about it as we get closer to the races that I enjoy doing like the Bolder Boulder. 

So far this year, I plan to do the Bolder Boulder in May, a half marathon on Labor Day, and the Colder Boulder in December. I am sure Chad and I will find a few 5Ks to sprinkle in through the year, but we don't have anything planned yet. Right now, I am just going to concentrate on my love for running again rather than trying to do too many races. 

3 Days Away

I know my husband’s birthday. We have celebrated it every year. I try to make him feel special when it comes around. Today, I realized that day is only 3 days away. (How is it already February 6?) Realizing how close Chad’s birthday is, I hopped on Amazon and ordered him some presents. The kids were asleep, so I just let them know what we got him later. As they looked through what I ordered, they both said I am spoiling him. I’m ok with that. I spoil Sean and Noel a lot. It is Chad’s turn. He will get his gifts on his birthday, and I will make him a special dinner Sunday when I don’t have to worry about if he will get home from work in time to gave a warm dinner. One of these days I will be put together enough to get gifts at least a week in advance and the dinner will be nicer than my current budget allows. 

Geese

Noel drove home from her dad's house today (like she does most Sundays). As she drove down the neighborhood streets, we had to wait for a few minutes for something we don't come across very often...a gaggle of geese. 

Anniversary Tradition

 

After we were married, we learned that some friends of ours had a really fun tradition of going to a restaurant they had never been to together for their anniversary each year. This sounded like so much fun that we adopted it as our own. There have been times that we had to do things like go to a pho place that we hadn’t been to because that was all we could afford. Thankfully, that is no longer the case. 

Tonight, we went to a place called Shells and Sauce in Denver. It was a quirky Italian restaurant that we both enjoyed. I had stuffed shells with scrimp. The shells cooked perfectly, and the shrimp was firm and full of flavor. I would highly recommend this restaurant to anyone. Just make sure you have a reservation. It is a busy place!

The More I Learn

After telling a friend about my faith journey, I was told about the Come Back Podcast. In this podcast, a lady who left the Church in the past and came back after fighting some serious demons interviews others who left and came back for various reasons. I have watched at least one episode a day for several days. There are people who left because they felt their studies showed things contrary to what they had been taught through their lives, people who got involved in drugs and alcohol, a guy who had joined a gang, and more. Each person has their own personal story of coming back, but the common thread is that came back because it is true and it makes the most sense. 

I have my own "come back" story. There was a time when I was making decisions that I came to regret. There was a time that I told myself I was only going to church because it was good for my kids. There was a time that I could never see myself going back to the temple, reading (listing to) scriptures daily, or holding a calling. The thing is that I never lost my testimony of prayer, but I had lost my testimony in other ways. I just couldn't see why I needed to be different from other people. I couldn't see how it would benefit me. After all, I had tried "doing everything right." I ended up with a dead mom and brother, divorced, and barely able to pay my bills. This was not the life I thought I would have. It was not the life I felt I had been promised. What changed?

I had to come to the realization that my faith and actions do not always determine my wealth (or lack thereof), the life expectancy of my friends and family, or how other people treat my children, my husband, or myself. I do not get to choose how my life is blessed or the trials I face. What I can determine is how I see the world, my testimony of Jesus Christ, and how I serve others. 

The reality is that the more I learn both secularly and spiritually, the more I believe in the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know there are not explanations for everything within the gospel. I also know there not everything can be explained by science or other academic ways. Each science and social science class that I have taken has helped my testimony grow. I know that there are many things science can not explain which takes me to the conclusion that there is a God that knows all who created the earth and everything in it. 

I will not debate with someone who is only looking to put me down or argue, but I will have a conversation about my beliefs with anyone who is willing to do so in a respectful way. I have done so many times and will continue to do so. The more I learn, the more I want to share. 

Slowly Creeping Down

As I said earlier this week, I have been participating in a weight loss program through my health insurance. What I have not said is that after quitting karate last year I gained weight fast and was at my heaviest near the end of last year. I hating the way my body felt and cringed when I saw pot of myself (I don’t see that part changing anytime soon). I am happy to say that my weight has been slowly dropping since I started doing this. Begging accountable to a coach once a week in a group makes me want to do better. The food is good, and it is easy to follow. I don’t even have to eat exactly what they lay out in the plan. I just do my best to stay under 1700 calories a day. I’m not perfect, but I have done it enough to make a difference. 

11 Years

It is hard to believe that I have been married to this man for 11 years! He healed me in more ways than I thought possible. He taught me that it is ok for me to just be me. I fall more in love with him everyday.