Overwhelmed

 I am overwhelmed quite often lately. My classes this semester are the hardest classes I have ever taken. (That makes sense because I have never taken 400-level classes until now.) Of course, this means that I do not have as much time for my husband or children as I have had in past semesters. I still try to give them as much attention as I can, but it is not always possible. What does this mean? I get guilt trips (mostly from Chad) about how I do not spend enough time with them, I feel pulled in many directions from day to day, and I don't really have much time for myself. 

I want to be able to feel like I have time to make real dinners like I used to, but that is not always possible. I guess if I started early in the day, I could do it. Who wants to start making dinner that early though knowing that it may be ready before Chad gets home from work or after whatever time sensitive thing is happening that day (church activities, Noel being picked up by her dad, Chad going to a lacrosse game, etc.). My days for cooking are Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. I could cook a real dinner on Saturdays, but Sean would probably not eat it which would leave only Chad and I to eat all of that food. I just feel like it would be a waste without Noel. I don't always want to really cook, but I wish I could when I was in the mood. 

I want to be able to go out with friends without a guilt trip. I have plans on Monday with a friend that I don't get the chance to meet up with as often as I would like because of our schedules. I have been guilted by everyone about "abandoning" them. I literally have to take the day off of work to hang out with this friend. I work from home. I am here with them every day. Why can't I just have this one day this month to leave the house alone? 

I want to be able to visit my dad more often. Really, this is not on anyone. We just simply don't have the money for me to go out there very often. Thankfully, I am able to go more than I could in the past, and I am excited that I can go in a few weeks.  Maybe when I am done with school and no longer paying out of pocket for tuition, I could go more often. (One more reason to work hard and finish this degree.) Maybe I won't feel so much like I am letting my daughter down by leaving her behind after she is 18 and has a bit more say about what she does on the weekend, and I no longer have to ask permission to take her out of state. Really, she will be 18 later this year, and I will be done with school next year (hopefully). (Happy thoughts...)

I really want to be able to take a warm bath. No one is stopping me. I have done it a few times in the last couple of months. I am actually encouraged by Noel and Chad to do it more often. (It must be obvious that I need some time for self-care.)

I guess, I should concentrate on what I can do right now with what I have. I can take a warm back as I read a book. (I am currently reading Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry.) It's not a bad place to start.