Don't Say That

My cousin died week about a year after his wife died in the same manner. He had been struggling with her loss, but on the surface seemed to be doing better and was even engaged. I don't really know this cousin because I don't know my mom's side of the family very well. Only knew what was posted on Facebook. I knew of his engagement, the brain injury he suffered from a sledding accident in January, the selling of his house, and finding a new home for his dogs saying he couldn't take care of them after his accident. I didn't know about the demons he had been fighting since his wife took her own life. 

When I saw that my cousin's fiancée had posted about him, it thought it was another on about how much she loved him and the cute things he did for her. It wasn't. He died the same way as his wife. She is devastated. I feel so bad for her. She has posted about her feeling several times as a way of coping. 

Yesterday, she posted first thing in the morning saying how much she missed him. Not knowing how to support someone I don't know who lives in another state, I read through the comments to see what my sister or other cousins might have said. A comment made his late wife's sister telling this poor woman that she needed to think about the daughter that lost both of her parents the same way in 13 months. That's a bit heartless. There are many people suffering because of this loss. They need to be able to do so.

I remember being told I needed to think of the other people that had lost my mom and brother when I expressed grief many times. It started a few days after their death when my aunt told my sister and I that we were selfish for only listing their relationship to each other on the planned grave stones. It continued when people at church would constantly remind us that our sister was grieving when we were asked why we were less social than we had been before the accident. Then, it continued after my dad remarried as it was used against me when I was not handling being used as a scapegoat while still trying to figure out how to live without my mom and brother. It still happens every once in a while when I post about them on Facebook from my mom's family.

Those of us who have lost someone special know we are not the only ones who lost them. It doesn't need to be pointed out. When someone dies, the people left behind need compassion. Each person is hurting. Yes, it is tragic that my cousin's kids lost two parents to suicide in just over a year. That has got to be devastating for them! It is also tragic that a lady who was planning a wedding in just over a month lost the man she loves and planned to spend eternity with. If we want to look at all of the people suffering right now, we can include my aunt and uncle who now have to bury another son and my cousins who have lost another sibling. There are undoubtedly many more people that he touched that are sad right now. Don't tell one person who has every right to be devastated by this loss that she needs to think of other people. She knows about them. It doesn't change how she is feeling.