Feeling a Certain Way

I have this Facebook friend who continually brings up the death of anyone he has ever been friends with. I often find this insincere and a bit creepy. Most recently, it was a coworker that he continually said something about it being weird he was not going to get a call or text from anymore. About a week later, he said something about a falling out they had a while back. To me, it made all of his previous posts about this person seem ingenuine. I am hoping this post doesn't feel that way.

This week, the husband of a former friend announced that his wife, who had been battling cancer for a little over a year was entering into hospice. This made me sad. I know she is a good person with a good heart. I don't know if I am sad that she specifically is dying or if I am sad that a good person is only a year younger than me is dying of cancer, leaving her husband and kids behind. All I know is that I am sad, and I find myself wanting to do something for her sister that lived in my town. 

Honestly, I haven't seen this couple since at least 2009. It wasn't that we had a falling out. We each moved, and the mutual friend that we hung out with moved to a different state. I am sad that her loved ones have to face a future without her knowing that there was little chance that the person who taught me to crochet would have been in my life again either way. I hope that doesn't make me a hypocrite.

Memories of Uncle Barney

My Uncle Barney passed away this week. He was one of my favorite uncles growing up. I have so many fond memories of him. He was the fun uncle that we liked to play with. 

My Uncle Barney was in a wheelchair because of on illness from his childhood. Back then, they didn't understand that when someone was bedridden, it was important to try to move their arms and legs to prevent atrophy. The thing is, when we were little, we didn't think about it. He was just the fun uncle that would give us rides in his chair. We could climb up on his lap, and he would wheel us around and pop wheelies. We thought it was the best thing ever. It wasn't until we learned about people with disablities in second grade that I really thought about him being different. 

Uncle Barney was a professor at the University of Alabama. I looked up to him for this reason and always thought of him as the smartest person I knew. Reading is obituary, I learned that he almost didn't become a teacher. After earning his bachelor's and master's degrees, he had wanted to stay at the University of Illinois to be a mentor for the disabled, but his professors encouraged him to do more. He went on to be a CPA before deciding to get his PHD in accounting and becoming a professor. He still advocated for the disabled, though. He even learned woodworking so he could make his own wheelchair ramps when needed. 

I haven't been able to see him much in adulthood other than for funerals because traveling to Alabama just hasn't been in the budget. I regret not making it a greater priority. I will miss Uncle Barney. 

That Episode

I think we all have one episode of a show that is seared in our brains. It doesn't have to be a favorite show that we watch all of the time like I do with Friends. It can be the episode of a show that we have only seen a few times. For me, it is season 5 episode 3 of Glee: The Quarterback. It is one of the saddest episodes of any show I have ever seen, but it is also one of the most relatable. 

This episode was necessary because Cory Montieth, one of the stars of the show, had passed away, and they needed to say goodbye on the show. This is my third time watching this show, and the intro to this specific episode gets me every time. It starts off with Seasons of Love followed by a monologue by Kurt (the stepbrother). 

"People keep asking me, 'how are you feeling? What are you feeling?' I have no answers. Honestly, what can you say about a 19 year-old who dies? Everyone wants to talk about how he died, too, but who cares? One moment in this whole life. I care about how he lived...he was my brother."

I have never related to a line in anything as much as I do this line. Anthony was 19 when he died. He was, and will always be, my brother. He was my protector and friend. My favorite memory of him was from the last Christmas we celebrated together. He and I decided to try to stay awake all night until our dad and sister woke up in the morning. We watched old cartoons on VHS until I fell asleep on the living room floor. I still have no idea if he fell asleep or not. I will never know, but I will always have the memory of staying up watching cheesy cartoons, laughing and joking. I miss having a relationship like that with someone. I have never had it since. 

There are several shows that have characters who die. When the actor actually passed away, I can feel the emotion in these goodbye episodes. The shows that come to mind are: 8 Simple Rules, Riverdale, News Radio, and... Glee.  Of all of those, Glee is the one that plays over and over in my head. Will I ever be able to get through something like this without thinking of what and who I lost? Probably not, and I'm ok with that. Grief is proof that he was here and was important to someone. 

 

 

 

Don't Say That

My cousin died last week about a year after his wife died in the same manner. He had been struggling with her loss, but on the surface seemed to be doing better and was even engaged. I don't really know this cousin because I don't know my mom's side of the family very well. I only knew what was posted on Facebook. I knew of his engagement, the brain injury he suffered from a sledding accident in January, the selling of his house, and finding a new home for his dogs saying he couldn't take care of them after his accident. I didn't know about the demons he had been fighting since his wife took her own life. 

When I saw that my cousin's fiancée had posted about him, I thought it was another one about how much she loved him and the cute things he did for her. It wasn't. He died the same way as his wife. She is devastated. I feel so bad for her. She has posted about her feeling several times as a way of coping. 

Yesterday, she posted first thing in the morning saying how much she missed him. Not knowing how to support someone I don't know who lives in another state, I read through the comments to see what my sister or other cousins might have said. A comment made his late wife's sister telling this poor woman that she needed to think about the daughter that lost both of her parents the same way in 13 months. That's a bit heartless. There are many people suffering because of this loss. They need to be able to do so.

I remember being told I needed to think of the other people that had lost my mom and brother when I expressed grief many times. It started a few days after their death when my aunt told my sister and I that we were selfish for only listing their relationship they had to each other on the planned grave stones. It continued when people at church would constantly remind us that our sister was grieving when we were asked why we were less social than we had been before the accident. Then, it continued after my dad remarried as it was used against me when I was not handling being used as a scapegoat while still trying to figure out how to live without my mom and brother. It still happens every once in a while when I post about them on Facebook from my mom's family.

Those of us who have lost someone special know we are not the only ones who lost them. It doesn't need to be pointed out. When someone dies, the people left behind need compassion. Each person is hurting. Yes, it is tragic that my cousin's kids lost two parents to suicide in just over a year. That has got to be devastating for them! It is also tragic that a lady who was planning a wedding in just over a month lost the man she loves and planned to spend eternity with. If we want to look at all of the people suffering right now, we can include my aunt and uncle who now have to bury another son and my cousins who have lost another sibling. There are undoubtedly many more people that he touched that are sad right now. Don't tell one person who has every right to be devastated by this loss that she needs to think of other people. She knows about them. It doesn't change how she is feeling. 

She Will Be Missed

In 2015, I started the Pathway program which started my journey to my bachelors degree. At the time, it required that I meet with others in a group once a week. I felt out of place often because I had to leave a bit early to rush off to work, but there were a few people that always made me feel a part of the class: Brandon and Michelle. 

Unfortunately, life made it difficult to keep up with these friendships (they lived about 30 minutes away, and our paths didn't naturally cross). I have done my best to keep up with them on Facebook and told myself I would eventually arrange a meet up with them.

Today, Michelle passed away after her second bout with cancer. She was one of those people that exuded goodness and kindness. She loved scrapbooking, Hallmark movies, her daughter and grandchildren, and Christmas. In the last month or so of her life, she posted something that brought her joy each day which shows exactly who she was. I cried a bit as I read the post from her daughter informing every one of her passing because the world was a better place with her in it. I hope he knows how much she was loved in this world even from people who haven't seen her in person in about 8 years. 

My Cousin’s Wife

I am not close to my mom’s side of the family, but I keep up with some of my cousins on Facebook. This last Saturday, I hopped on Facebook, and the first thing that I saw was my cousin’s wife was missing. He had made a missing poster and asked for help. She had apparently left for work that morning and had not been seen since she left work early and made some kind of purchase at a local mall. Her phone had been turned off, and they had reason to be greatly concerned when she didn’t come home that evening. Being in a different state, the best I could do to help was share his post and ask my Utah friends and family to help. 

My cousin did everything he could to find his wife. He reported her missing, kept track of the places searched, followed up on the leads he could, and more all while taking care of their daughter. To me, this is super hero status. 

Unfortunately, it turned out that his worst fears had come true. After 6 days of searching, she was found in a parking lot only half a mile from her job. She had succumbed to her demons. Now, her family has to plan her funeral. 

I would never judge her for making this decision. I can’t. I have never been in the position where I felt leaving this life was the only answer. I feel sad for her feeling this was the only option. I feel sad for my cousin having to deal with this grief. I feel sad for her kids knowing how hard it is to live without a mother. I pray my cousin can feel a sense of closure and comfort during this time of immense grief and pain. 

He has a Go Fund Me to help pay the unexpected bills. Please, help him if you can. https://gofund.me/7fbdecd6

Matthew Perry Gone

Photo credit: https://www.google.com/amp/s/pagesix.com/2023/10/28/photos/matthew-perry-through-the-years-the-friends-stars-life-in-photos/amp/

I am not the kind of person who is saddened by most celebrities’ deaths, but there have been a few that have gotten to me: John Ritter, Robin Williams, Luke Perry, and now, Matthew Perry. I am not the type of person that cries over the death of people I don’t personally know, but I do feel sorrow for the loss of these talented people. 

The loss of Matthew Perry feels a bit different from the others. I watch Friends every night when I go to bed, so I see a younger version of him daily. I also read his memoir earlier this year which made me feel like I knew him better than other celebrities. I was rooting for him to continue to straighten up his life and fulfill more of his dreams. I honestly hope that he was able to continue to stay sober for the rest of his life. We may not currently know how he died, but I have a feeling it was something to do with the abuse he put his body through for so long. I will miss hearing about the good he was doing through his book as he tried to raise awareness about what addiction can do.

This week, I will be sewing together the Friends sweater that I have been working on. It kind of feels like the one thing I can do to show my support in a small way. 

Not Sure How to Feel

I found out today that someone my ex taught in Sunday School many years ago was murdered in Denver this week. When I knew him, he was a troubled kid who had been thigh some horrible things. I worked with his mom at Dish Network for a bit and enjoyed talking to her when she was able to come to church. 

His parents moved out of state about a year ago, and I hadn’t heard from the since. Then, his dad posted something on the ward Facebook page that if anyone wanted funeral information to text him a few days ago. I didn’t even know this person had died. Today, the Elder’s Quorum president sent out an email with the funeral information, so Chad Googled Matthew Gossett to figure out if he knew him and found out what had happen. I told him that he wouldn’t have known him, but I remembered him. 

Now, I don’t know how I am supposed to feel. I didn’t know him that well to begin with, my ex did. I did get to know his mom for a bit, though. I think at this point I feel bad for the parents. I can’t imagine the pain they are feeling right now. They are nice people that have had some bad things happen to them; this would be worse than any problem I know of. I wish there was something I could do to show them my support. 

Shocked

I take short naps during my lunch breaks most days. To drown out the household noises, I turn on the news as I do so. This afternoon I woke up to this:

I kind of feel like my childhood is slowly dying. I don’t think I want to know who’s next.