Graduation Trip - First Leg

This week, Chad and I are doing a trip for my graduation in which we are going to St. George, Utah, to visit his mom and uncle for the dirty part. Then, we will head to Rexburg, Idaho, for my graduation and to see my sister and her kids. Lastly, we will go down to Provo, Utah, to visit my parents and see my stepsister before heading home and stopping to see one of my favorite people. 

St. George is a bit different than I had imagined. I thought it would be a lot more open with less people. However, it is beautiful! We drove in Sunday night, arriving around 8pm at Chad's uncle's house. That night we got settled, had a bit of ice cream, and went to bed. Monday morning, we did the tourist thing and walked around the St. George temple grounds. 

Then, we went to see Chad's mom at her apartment. She took us on a tour of the community, introduced us to her friends, took us shopping for my birthday, took us swimming in the fitness center, and took us out to eat. It was a full day, and we were ready to go to bed early. This morning, we went to the Red Cliffs temple with Chad's, aunt, uncle, and mom to do sealings. 

Then, we went on our way to head up to Rexburg, taking a detour to a ghost town about an hour away which was totally worth the time it took to get there and walk around.

Christlike Friendships

Today, in Sacrament meeting, the speakers spoke about Christlike friendships. One speaker talked about how Christ showed friendship by doing things like helping people who needed it and laying down His life for us. He likened it to a story of his father who would stop in a visit a man who was bedbound almost daily until his own death. He talked about the unselfishness of friendship and the necessity of forgiveness. 

As I listened to him speak, I thought of the ladies I work with at the shelter. These women literally have next to nothing. All of their belonging have to fit on or under their bed. Some of these women are the sweetest people I have ever met, and they are the outcast of the ladies in the shelter. They sit alone and are often ridiculed for being different, but they are the ones who will sit with others who are left out and try to include them.

Over the last three weeks, I have been the recipient of their kindness. Twice, I have been waiting outside the gate in my car, waiting for security to let me in. Then, one of the participants saw me as they were waiting to be let in. When security came to the door, they would ask for permission to push the button to let me in. Then, there was a lady that I had talked to a few times that saw me coming in and cleared a table for me saying she knew I had not where else to go in the shelter. One more lady that made me think even more about this was a sweet lady who is openly ridiculed for exercising in the facility. (I feel the need to point out that she does this off in an area out of the way but visible of other people.) It appears to me that she may not have any friends in this shelter. She has been alone every time I have seen her including mealtimes. Thursday and Friday this week, she noticed that I was sitting by myself at the table near the lunchroom, and she came and sat with me. She was quiet, working on a puzzle one day and drawing/painting the next. I told her goodnight as I left, and she smiled and returned the gesture. These gestures mean the world to me. They have nothing, but they are doing the small things to make me more comfortable when I am there to help them (none of these ladies have wanting my help looking for more permanent housing). I guess this is what people mean when they say they get so much more out of serving other people than the other people get sometimes. 

Strawberry Salad

 

It is hot outside and inside. I don't want to turn on the oven to make dinner. I came to the decision last summer that I would make salads at least once a week, and I am continuing to do so this summer but a bit different. Last summer, I bought bagged salads and added lunch meat or chicken to it. Bagged salads are more expensive this summer and have less in them, so I won't be using them as much. I will just buy the stuff to put one together. 

This week, I made a strawberry salad with chicken breast. It was so easy to make, and we even had leftovers. For this salad, I tore a head of romaine lettuce, added a few handfuls of sliced almonds, cut some strawberries, and added one large, cooked chicken breast. The result was delicious! I think I am going to do this salad again soon. It also gave me confidence to just create my own salads in the future. 

Finally Clean Carpets

 

I used to have a carpet shampooer that I used once or twice a year as well as anytime the dogs had an accident. At some point, it stopped sucking up the shampoo/water. Rather than take apart this old machine to figure out if I could clear the clog or fix whatever was broken, I decided to throw it out. Then, we used a small spot cleaner for any spots left by the dogs until the hose broke on it rendering it useless. That means that we have had to spot clean with all-purpose cleaner and towels/rags. I haven't been happy with this solution but it worked for the most part. I have been saying for about a year that I would just rent a Rug Doctor from the grocery store and maybe buy a new shampooer at some point. 

This week, we rented the Rug Doctor. The living room carpet was the worst it has ever been after one of my kids and their cats lived in there for a little over a month while looking for a new place. (I never knew cats could be so dirty. I will never trust another person who says dogs are messier than cats.) We pulled the couches out of the living room, and I vacuumed and shampooed them. I was so happy with the results! It was easier than the cleaner I had acquired from Chad's mom, and it cleaned a lot better than it ever had. It also took a lot less time! Later that night, Noel cleaned the carpet in her room, and the following morning, Chad cleaned the dining room and hallway. My house smells so much better, now! 

I'm sure there are carpet shampooers that work better than the old one I had been using, but until I can bring myself to put some real money into it to make sure I get a quality machine, I will be renting a Rug Doctor when it's needed. 

Trying New Things

My daughter and I have tried a few new things in the last few days. 

First, we tried the Moonbeam Ice Cream cookie from Crumbl. This cookie was available for a few weeks and came with a Benson Boone sticker that Noel put on her phone. It was a chocolate cookie with a lemon/blueberry frosting. I loved it. If they ever offer it again, I will buy buy it again. The only complaint that I had was that I only ordered one and had to share it. 

The next thing we tried was Starburst flavored Ice. We already like Ice drinks and get them occasionally. In fact, Noel used to drink them instead of soda all of the time, so I knew she would be willing to try these with me. In the end, I really liked the strawberry one and she liked the cherry. I don't know what her opinion was on the strawberry, but I thought the cherry didn't have enough of the flavoring. She found other flavors at the dollar store, but they are cheaper at the grocery store. Hopefully, they will have the other flavors next time I go. 

Noel and I like to try new things like this together from time to time. We can both be picky eaters at time, but it is fun to try stuff together within reason. 

Spiderman Quilt

 

My amazing daughter spent the last month or two making a Spiderman quilt for her boyfriend. She has made several dresses, but she has never made a quilt. I'm not sure if she looked up general instructions online or just followed a vision. All I know is that she bought the material and seeed it on her own. Once again, I am in awe of her talent. 

New Business in Town

One sure way to know you live in a small town is that the town celebrates each business that opens. This time it is a QT station. It opened last week with posts on the town's Facebook for at least a week leading up to it and a ceremony for its opening. (Yes, I know most businesses have a ribbon cutting ceremony. This seemed a bit more over the top than average.)

When Chad and I first heard about it, we were a bit annoyed because this gas station would be the third one in our town, and they are within a short distance of each other. Also, this one was to be built right across the street from the back of our house. The thing is, we need more commerce in our town. They can't keep depending on the residents for tax revenue.

We have changed our point of view on this gas station. The day after I got back from my trip, we walked over there to check it out and ended up ordering breakfast. This morning, we walked over there again and ordered soft pretzels. The food is good. It is very close (if we still used the back gate, it would be even closer). Best of all, the competition lower the price of gas in our town. This QT station was a positive change for our community. I hope is continues to feel that way. I also hope it helps bring more business to this tiny town. 

Cruise Report

This last weekend, I went on a cruise with one of my best friends. I loved it! It was one of the best experiences of my life! I enjoyed it so much that Chad and I are planning to go on another cruise in a few years for our 15th anniversary, and my sister and I are hoping to book one once her kids are all grown (probably in about 10 years).

We rode on the Margaritaville at Sea Paradise. It was a nice ship. All of the crew members I came in contact with were very friendly. 

They had fun activities and great shows each day.

We mostly ate from the buffet. There was such a good variety of food. My favorite part was the cheeseburger bar. I also had soft serve ice cream after each lunch and dinner. They had pretty desserts other than the ice cream. I tried a few, but I'm not a big cake fan, so I didn't eat much of them. 

The view of the ocean was amazing from almost anywhere on the ship. Our favorite place to go was the deck at the back of the buffet, especially at sunset.

The best part of the trip by far was our stop in Nassau, Bahamas.  After the planned excursion was canceled due to a boat malfunction, we booked another excursion directly through the Sand Dollar Resort. Rather than just going snorkeling with the turtles and over the coral reef, we were able to go snorkeling over the coral reef, swim with the pigs, go turtle watching, and enjoy a wonderful lunch of barbeque chicken and rice with spices and beans for the same price. (We were refunded by the cruise line for the original excursion.)

What would I have changed? I would have packed as soon as we got back from the excursion and gone to the show the last night. I liked the shows and should have just gone alone since my friend was too tired to go. I would have also spent more time at the pool. We went one morning and didn't go back. I would have gladly not gone to some of the trivia events and gone to the pool. The last thing I would have done is go to the restaurant that was included in the price other than the buffet. I wanted to see what they had to offer with the hope of having something a bit different. I enjoyed the food we had, but it would have been nice to check out something else for one meal. 

Overall this cruise was a great experience, and I can't wait to do it again. Maybe I'll book a longer one when Chad and I go.

Ode the the Swamp Cooler

 

I bought this swamp cooler on Amazon a little over a month ago. The air conditioners we keep in the windows during the summer were not keeping up with the heat when it was over 95 last year, and I knew we needed something that could cool bigger areas this year. The air conditioners for big spaces are expensive, so I looked at cheaper options and decided to go for this one. Then, it was rain and humid for a few weeks, so it didn't do much more than make the house more humid. We ended up just using the fan for a while. 

For the last few weeks, we have had mostly dry heat (other than a day or two). We have air conditioners in our room and Noel's room, but we definitely need more. We are regularly filling the water tank and running it on "cool" as it was meant to be. As I work, I have been facing it down the hall. It has made a work of difference! It was 100 yesterday, and it felt so good to come into a cool home after my internship! I love this thing!

One Month Left

I only have one month left of my internship. In some ways, it will be nice to be done. However, I will also be sad to be done. I love helping other people and feel that I am doing it in a small way in this internship. I like the people I have been working with and the many things I have learned about this population. Working with them gives me a greater sense of purpose, and I know I will find a way into this field again. The only thing I won't be sad about is the time commitment. Doing this on top of my regular job and everything else going on in my life has been hard. 

I am considering trying to find something part-time similar to what I have been doing when I am done with everything this summer. I would love to find my way into working more permanently with people experiencing homelessness, and I think that dipping my toe into it more would be beneficial. I have looked online at job openings and know that I would not be paid what I need to leave my current job. However, it I were to find my way into this field and work my way up to better pay and benefits, I would quit my current job and jump into this type of work full-time. I have said many times that my job just kind of fell into my lap as a way out of the call center, and I mainly stay because I have a wonderful boss who does what he can to keep our team together. It just doesn't fill the purpose I know my life needs to have.  

Trip Getting Closer

 I am going on a trip next week with my friend, Michelle. We started planning this trip late last year, and it seemed so far away. For a while, it felt like it wasn't even happening even though I knew I had already paid for it. I drug my feet on getting my passport for the longest time because the trip felt so far away. Now, my passport will be here Friday. I will be on a plane to Florida a week from tomorrow and on a cruise to the Bahamas the next day. 

I am nervous and excited about this trip. I feel guilty for leaving my internship for a week, but I have already discussed it with my supervisor. I just hope it doesn't cause problems with the school for me to miss the majority of my hours. I am a nervous flyer, and all of the plane crashes over the past year have made me even more nervous. I have never been on a flight that long, so I hope not to have a panic attack on the plan. I am excited to see things that I have never seen and thought I would never see in my lifetime. I am excited to get out of my comfort zone for a bit and spend time with my dear friend. I am excited to see the ocean and go on my first international trip. (I'm not counting my Niagra Falls trip barely in Canada when I was 12.) I am excited to just get away for a while. I have been so stressed and need to have this reset. 

What do I still need to do? I don't totally know. I know I still need to pay my friend back for the plane tickets and make sure I have the money available for the hotel room for Thursday night. I need to make sure to pack everything I need, but I'm not totally sure what all I will need. I will be meeting up with Michelle Saturday to make sure we each have a checklist to make sure we are ready to go. 

I hope this vacation is as amazing as I imagine it will be. I have been told it is a great place to go and a good first cruise. 

That Episode

I think we all have one episode of a show that is seared in our brains. It doesn't have to be a favorite show that we watch all of the time like I do with friends. It can be the episode of a show that we have only seen a few times. For me, it is season 5 episode 3 of Glee: The Quarterback. It is one of the saddest episodes of any show I have ever seen, but it is also one of the most relatable. 

This episode was necessary because Cory Montieth, one of the stars of the show, had passed away, and they needed to say goodbye on the show. This is my third time watching this show, and the into to this specific episode gets me every time. It starts off with Seasons of Love followed by a monologue by Kurt (the stepbrother). 

"People keep asking me, 'how are you feeling? What are you feeling?' I have no answers. Honestly, what can you say about a 19 year-old who dies? Everyone wants to talk about how he died, too, but who cares? One moment in this whole life. I care about how he lived...he was my brother."

I have never related to a line in anything as much as I do this line. Anthony was 19 when he died. He was, and will always be, my brother. He was my protector and friend. My favorite memory of him was from the last Christmas we celebrated together. He and I decided to try to stay awake all night until our dad and sister woke up in the morning. We watched old cartoons on VHS until I fell asleep on the living room floor. I still have no idea if he fell asleep or not. I will never know, but I will always have the memory of staying up watching cheesy cartoons, laughing and joking. I miss having a relationship like that with someone. I have never had it since. 

There are several shows that have characters who die. When the actor actually passed away, I can feel the emotion in these goodbye episodes. The shows that come to mind are: 8 Simple Rules, Riverdale, News Radio, and... Glee.  Of all of those, Glee is the one that plays over and over in my head. Will I ever be able to get through something like this without thinking of what and who I lost? Probably not, and I'm ok with that. Grief is proof that he was here and was important to someone. 

 

 

 

Exhausted but Happy

Working an internship part-time along with working my full-time job and trying to take care of the household along with my church responsibilities is exhausting! My regular job is a good job. I get paid fairly well, I have been working for the company for long enough that I can basically take off when I want (within reason of course), and I have a good boss that actually looks out for his employees. I love my internship. I get to work with people that actually need help. I have been saying for a long time that I wanted to do something that would make a difference, and this is my chance. I also love my family and want to take care of them to the best of my ability. Things have gotten hectic at home for a few weeks, but I'm sure it will calm down soon enough. I am the Relief Society secretary and work in the temple twice a month most months. I wouldn't want to walk away from anything I am doing. It is exhausting but fulfilling. I look forward to having less responsibilities, but I am also worried about life being boring when it happens. Who knows? Maybe, I will be one of those people that doesn't completely slow down. 

Losing Accrediation?

With talk of the president threatening to strip Columbia of its accreditation, it brings me back to when the school I earned my associate's degree from lost its accreditation. As a student who had worked for 5 years to earn a "2 year" degree, it sucks. I had to completely redo the education I already completed because the school was no longer recognized in the academic world, and I still owed my student loans until December of last year (a little over 9 years after the school was closed by the government).

In 2014, I finally earned by associate's degree in business management. This was a big accomplishment. I was not allowed to go to school until 2009 and almost quit several times. I only finished because of Chad's encouragement. Within a few months, I got a certified letter stating that the school had been closed, stripped of their accreditation, and all transcripts were being destroyed because of predatory recruiting practices. This happened to several for-profit schools around the country. There was a link to apply for student loans to be forgiven, but I was denied at that time because I started before 2010. 

In 2015, I started the Pathways program and matriculated into BYU-Idaho in 2016. At this time, they told me my previous education didn't count because of the reason the school was closed. I accepted this and retook all of the general education I had previously completed. The good part was that with more practice, I was better in these subjects. Also, I took it more seriously and retained more information. 

I am now getting close to graduating with my bachelor's degree in marriage and family studies. Counting my year in Pathways it will have taken me about 10 years to get to this point. Once again, I can credit my loving husband for helping me get to this point. I know I did the work, but his encouragement has been a big part of me doing things outside of my comfort zone. However, I can't help but think that it could have taken me a few less years had my credits from the previous school counted towards this degree as well. 

Now back to Columbia. I can't help but to feel bad for the students of this prestigious university. They are paying good money for top notch education that can be voided by the government if this dude gets his way. They won't be able to transfer their credits or apply to grad schools. I don't think any one thinks of how this kind of thing affects the students. 

Night at the Temple

Last night I subbed at the temple. Chad and I normally work the 2nd and 4th Tuesdays, but I have been filling in here and there when people go on trips and stuff. The thing is, I don't remember saying I was going to be a sub for this particular night. I remember being asked a few months ago and saying I needed to wait to give an answer because I was waiting to find out what my internship hours would be, but I don't think I ever got back to her. Then, Monday I got an email with me on the schedule for the following evening with a thank you for being willing to sub. (We usually get the schedule of where we will be and when the day before we work our regular shifts.) I was confused and a bit disappointed I wouldn't have the night to rest, but I was a bit excited to be scheduled to be working an endowment session. 

As I drove to the temple, I knew that there was a reason I needed to be there that night and assumed it was just to escape the world for a few hours. When I arrived, I was greeted by three women who thanked me profusely for showing up and being willing to be there (maybe the unanswered question was confusing to them as well). It felt so good and so natural to be there! About an hour in, I was assigned to work in initiatory, but there were too many workers, so I sat waiting to see if more patrons would arrive reading The Book of Mormon. 

I felt the need to read Ether  and started with chapter 1. When I got to the brother of Jared speaking to the Lord about needing light in the barges, my mind went to the symbolism of this. We often find ourselves in darkness needing light in our lives. I personally let current events bring me down a lot lately and crave the peace that Christ can give. Just as the brother of Jared asked the Lord to touch the stone to light the barges, I can ask Him to touch my spirit to bring light into my heart and mind. If I had not experienced the difference between my mind for the past week and my mind in the temple last night, I don't believe I would have made that connection. 

After this wonderful experience, I sat in the chapel with the organ playing familiar hymns and prayed to feel the Spirit of the messages and to be able to assist the patrons in whatever way possible. As I stood to welcome them and ask them to follow me, I could feel His spirit so strong that I already had tear in my eyes. This feeling was so strong throughout the session that it was palpable. Just as in January, the peace and joy I felt made making the sacrifice of leaving my family worth every second of being there. I was meant to be there even if I didn't know it.

I am so thankful to my Savior for the sacrifice He made for me. I am thankful for the grace and mercy He shows me when I need it the most. I have no doubt that I will continue to have these experiences and be shocked and in awe each time my Heavenly Father makes it known He is listening and understands what I need. It isn't the big grandiose signs people look for when the want "proof." It is the small things that we could miss if we weren't paying attention. In this case is was the little things that happened at the temple on a night that I wouldn't have normally worked. 

The Daughter of...

I am a daughter. I will always be a daughter no matter what other roles I have in my life. I am the daughter of an accountant. That's what most people see because I work in billing. My dad is also very religious, as am I. These are the easy things to see. My dad is still alive. 

My mom influenced me as well. I don't know if I have any of her traits quite honestly. I love my mom. I miss my mom. I would love to have her back. However, i am at a point in my life when I have to acknowledge the pain. 

I am the daughter of someone who was mentally ill. She was in and out of psychiatric hospitals for a few years. The first time she went, my sister and I had to live with our aunt and uncle for a few months. I still don't fully understand why, but it was traumatizing. The other times, we stayed home and lived life as normal as possible while periodically visiting her on the weekends. Then, she left, and we didn't know where she went for a while. (I later found out she did this other times, but this time my dad didn't cover up for her.) I have memories of her outbursts, odd stories she would tell us, and her climbing into my bed crying during PTSD episodes when she lived in out basement. I was 15. 

As the daughter of a mentally ill mother, I am always looking for signs of it in me. When I get depressed, is it chronic depression or are life circumstances just hard right now? When I get angry and yell, am I mentally ill, or is this a normal reaction? When I cry uncontrollably, am I mentally ill, or is it ok to be this sad sometimes? I understand everyone has emotions. I know that just because my mom needed a lot of help to care for her brain properly, that doesn't mean I do. I also know that can accept help, and I do from time to time. However, I haven't had anyone even try to diagnose me since I was 13 because I'm scared. Most people are diagnosed with my mom's illness (which was more than just PTSD) are in their late teens to mid 20s. That doesn't mean I can't have the same of similar issues. It just means I'm less likely. 

After talking to a few people that grew up with a mentally parent that have said they have the same fear. However, I still feel alone in this fear. I think I will always be looking for signs of it in me and people around me. 

I am a daughter. I have a mom and a dad. I know the traits I have of my dad's. I don't know if I have any traits of my mom right now other than her smile. I love being like my dad in some ways. I hate that I don't know enough about my mom to know how I'm like her. All I can remember lately is the mental illness and the love she gave us when she was feeling well. 

Surrounding Myself with Spiritual Influences

As I have been working on bettering myself and my circumstances, I have been reading self-help books, working as an ordinance worker in the temple, and doing my internship through Catholic Charities so I can finish my degree. I have had a strong concentration on improvement while not losing my testimony of Jesus Christ. Each step that I am taking draws me closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ because of this concentration. 

This week, I have been doing a lot of e-learning at my internship. Most of it has concentrated on being trauma informed. One thing that I love about these trainings is that they combine mental health concepts with the teachings of Jesus Christ. 

The most recent training that I have been working on is about self care to help with vicarious trauma. One thing that struck me was the concept that to love others and God we must learn to love ourselves. It was pointed out that when asked by the Pharisees, "Master, which is the great commandment in the law?" Jesus gave an answer of love saying, "Thou shalt live the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." Then, He continued this with, "...Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." (Matthew 22:36-39) The last part of these verses tell us we should love ourselves. If we don't, we can't love others the way they deserve to be loved. 

I am working with people who have been through real trauma. They have been dehumanized. They are looked down on by society in general. How can we make a change in even one person's life? I don't have all of the answers, but we need to take care of ourselves and carry on that love and care to those we can. I hope to be able to find my place in this space helping others, but I am learning that as I do what I can to find my space as a helper, I need to learn to care for myself as well. 

Mom Jewelry

There was a time I would have said I would never be ok with Mother's Day. Thankfully, I have finally started to enjoy it over the past few years. I think it took seeing it as a day to honor my contributions as a mother rather than mostly celebrating my spouse's mom because my mom isn't here to celebrate. It's not like I wanted a big thing about me, I just struggled with the reminder that I couldn't celebrate with my mom and didn't have the chance to come to terms with that. 

This year, I decided to honor the mothers that helped shape me into who I am today by wearing jewelry that was either theirs in the past or that they had given me. 

To honor my mom, I wore her CTR ring. It's tarnished from sitting in my jewelry box for many years, but that's ok. I was able to think about the woman that gave me life and taught me that it is ok to be different and expect to be loved. I wish I had embraced this lesson earlier in life. 

To honor my former mother-in-law, I wore a bracelet she gave me a long time ago. This was a reminder of her unconditional love. She took me in and loved me when I needed a mother's love and didn't have a mother on earth to do so. I will forever be grateful for the example she set for me children and me. 

For my stepmother, I wore a necklace she gave me a few years ago. We had a rocky start, but she has always loved my children with all of her heart. Now, we get along well, and I see the strength she has in her to push through the many struggles she still faces on a daily basis. 

I hope to embody the lessons these wonderful women have taught me for the rest of my life. When people say, "You must have had a great mother." I can say, "I had three."

Getting Closer

I finally started my internship this week, and I love it! I have wanted to be part of the solution for so long. With this position, I can finally do just that. 

I am working 16 hours a week with Catholic Charities helping people who need it. I have only done 2 shifts so far, but I have already learned a lot about helping those in shelters. I have mostly observed at this point, but I can't wait until I am trained enough to have a more active role. 

When I was getting divorced, it was known that my job sucked and I wanted a different one. When asked what I wanted to do, I would just say, "I want to make a REAL difference." The problem was I didn't know what I wanted to do or how to do it. All I knew was working in a call center was not going to get me there. 

About 4 years later, after earning an associates degree in business, I decided to go back to school. This time I started with the Pathways program and transitioned into online classes through BYU Idaho. This time I prayed about the program in which I would be enrolled and what career I would be working towards. I had the distinct impression that I should work an a degree in marriage and family studies with the goal of working in a shelter. I have worked hard on this goal while working a full time job in the shipping industry, raising 3 kids, working to have a healthy relationship with my husband, and growing my faith in my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. 

This internship is the last step to achieving the goal of getting my bachelor's degree and a big step towards what will hopefully be a fulfilling career helping people who need it rather than helping line the pockets of corporate executives. Leaning what little I have at this point, makes me want to learn more and strengthens my resolve to do what I can to make this world a better place for those who need it the most. I can't wait to see what the future brings!