Getting Closer

 I am going on a trip next week with my friend, Michelle. We started planning this trip late last year, and it seemed so far away. For a while, it felt like it wasn't even happening even though I knew I had already paid for it. I drug my feet on getting my passport for the longest time because the trip felt so far away. Now, my passport will be here Friday. I will be on a plane to Florida a week from tomorrow and on a cruise to the Bahamas the next day. 

I am nervous and excited about this trip. I feel guilty for leaving my internship for a week, but I have already discussed it with my supervisor. I just hope it doesn't cause problems with the school for me to miss the majority of my hours. I am a nervous flyer, and all of the plane crashes over the past year have made me even more nervous. I have never been on a flight that long, so I hope not to have a panic attack on the plan. I am excited to see things that I have never seen and thought I would never see in my lifetime. I am excited to get out of my comfort zone for a bit and spend time with my dear friend. I am excited to see the ocean and go on my first international trip. (I'm not counting my Niagra Falls trip barely in Canada when I was 12.) I am excited to just get away for a while. I have been so stressed and need to have this reset. 

What do I still need to do? I don't totally know. I know I still need to pay my friend back for the plane tickets and make sure I have the money available for the hotel room for Thursday night. I need to make sure to pack everything I need, but I'm not totally sure what all I will need. I will be meeting up with Michelle Saturday to make sure we each have a checklist to make sure we are ready to go. 

I hope this vacation is as amazing as I imagine it will be. I have been told it is a great place to go and a good first cruise. 

That Episode

I think we all have one episode of a show that is seared in our brains. It doesn't have to be a favorite show that we watch all of the time like I do with friends. It can be the episode of a show that we have only seen a few times. For me, it is season 5 episode 3 of Glee: The Quarterback. It is one of the saddest episodes of any show I have ever seen, but it is also one of the most relatable. 

This episode was necessary because Cory Montieth, one of the stars of the show, had passed away, and they needed to say goodbye on the show. This is my third time watching this show, and the into to this specific episode gets me every time. It starts off with Seasons of Love followed by a monologue by Kurt (the stepbrother). 

"People keep asking me, 'how are you feeling? What are you feeling?' I have no answers. Honestly, what can you say about a 19 year-old who dies? Everyone wants to talk about how he died, too, but who cares? One moment in this whole life. I care about how he lived...he was my brother."

I have never related to a line in anything as much as I do this line. Anthony was 19 when he died. He was, and will always be, my brother. He was my protector and friend. My favorite memory of him was from the last Christmas we celebrated together. He and I decided to try to stay awake all night until our dad and sister woke up in the morning. We watched old cartoons on VHS until I fell asleep on the living room floor. I still have no idea if he fell asleep or not. I will never know, but I will always have the memory of staying up watching cheesy cartoons, laughing and joking. I miss having a relationship like that with someone. I have never had it since. 

There are several shows that have characters who die. When the actor actually passed away, I can feel the emotion in these goodbye episodes. The shows that come to mind are: 8 Simple Rules, Riverdale, News Radio, and... Glee.  Of all of those, Glee is the one that plays over and over in my head. Will I ever be able to get through something like this without thinking of what and who I lost? Probably not, and I'm ok with that. Grief is proof that he was here and was important to someone. 

 

 

 

Exhausted but Happy

Working an internship part-time along with working my full-time job and trying to take care of the household along with my church responsibilities is exhausting! My regular job is a good job. I get paid fairly well, I have been working for the company for long enough that I can basically take off when I want (within reason of course), and I have a good boss that actually looks out for his employees. I love my internship. I get to work with people that actually need help. I have been saying for a long time that I wanted to do something that would make a difference, and this is my chance. I also love my family and want to take care of them to the best of my ability. Things have gotten hectic at home for a few weeks, but I'm sure it will calm down soon enough. I am the Relief Society secretary and work in the temple twice a month most months. I wouldn't want to walk away from anything I am doing. It is exhausting but fulfilling. I look forward to having less responsibilities, but I am also worried about life being boring when it happens. Who knows? Maybe, I will be one of those people that doesn't completely slow down. 

Losing Accrediation?

With talk of the president threatening to strip Columbia of its accreditation, it brings me back to when the school I earned my associate's degree from lost its accreditation. As a student who had worked for 5 years to earn a "2 year" degree, it sucks. I had to completely redo the education I already completed because the school was no longer recognized in the academic world, and I still owed my student loans until December of last year (a little over 9 years after the school was closed by the government).

In 2014, I finally earned by associate's degree in business management. This was a big accomplishment. I was not allowed to go to school until 2009 and almost quit several times. I only finished because of Chad's encouragement. Within a few months, I got a certified letter stating that the school had been closed, stripped of their accreditation, and all transcripts were being destroyed because of predatory recruiting practices. This happened to several for-profit schools around the country. There was a link to apply for student loans to be forgiven, but I was denied at that time because I started before 2010. 

In 2015, I started the Pathways program and matriculated into BYU-Idaho in 2016. At this time, they told me my previous education didn't count because of the reason the school was closed. I accepted this and retook all of the general education I had previously completed. The good part was that with more practice, I was better in these subjects. Also, I took it more seriously and retained more information. 

I am now getting close to graduating with my bachelor's degree in marriage and family studies. Counting my year in Pathways it will have taken me about 10 years to get to this point. Once again, I can credit my loving husband for helping me get to this point. I know I did the work, but his encouragement has been a big part of me doing things outside of my comfort zone. However, I can't help but think that it could have taken me a few less years had my credits from the previous school counted towards this degree as well. 

Now back to Columbia. I can't help but to feel bad for the students of this prestigious university. They are paying good money for top notch education that can be voided by the government if this dude gets his way. They won't be able to transfer their credits or apply to grad schools. I don't think any one thinks of how this kind of thing affects the students. 

Night at the Temple

Last night I subbed at the temple. Chad and I normally work the 2nd and 4th Tuesdays, but I have been filling in here and there when people go on trips and stuff. The thing is, I don't remember saying I was going to be a sub for this particular night. I remember being asked a few months ago and saying I needed to wait to give an answer because I was waiting to find out what my internship hours would be, but I don't think I ever got back to her. Then, Monday I got an email with me on the schedule for the following evening with a thank you for being willing to sub. (We usually get the schedule of where we will be and when the day before we work our regular shifts.) I was confused and a bit disappointed I wouldn't have the night to rest, but I was a bit excited to be scheduled to be working an endowment session. 

As I drove to the temple, I knew that there was a reason I needed to be there that night and assumed it was just to escape the world for a few hours. When I arrived, I was greeted by three women who thanked me profusely for showing up and being willing to be there (maybe the unanswered question was confusing to them as well). It felt so good and so natural to be there! About an hour in, I was assigned to work in initiatory, but there were too many workers, so I sat waiting to see if more patrons would arrive reading The Book of Mormon. 

I felt the need to read Ether  and started with chapter 1. When I got to the brother of Jared speaking to the Lord about needing light in the barges, my mind went to the symbolism of this. We often find ourselves in darkness needing light in our lives. I personally let current events bring me down a lot lately and crave the peace that Christ can give. Just as the brother of Jared asked the Lord to touch the stone to light the barges, I can ask Him to touch my spirit to bring light into my heart and mind. If I had not experienced the difference between my mind for the past week and my mind in the temple last night, I don't believe I would have made that connection. 

After this wonderful experience, I sat in the chapel with the organ playing familiar hymns and prayed to feel the Spirit of the messages and to be able to assist the patrons in whatever way possible. As I stood to welcome them and ask them to follow me, I could feel His spirit so strong that I already had tear in my eyes. This feeling was so strong throughout the session that it was palpable. Just as in January, the peace and joy I felt made making the sacrifice of leaving my family worth every second of being there. I was meant to be there even if I didn't know it.

I am so thankful to my Savior for the sacrifice He made for me. I am thankful for the grace and mercy He shows me when I need it the most. I have no doubt that I will continue to have these experiences and be shocked and in awe each time my Heavenly Father makes it known He is listening and understands what I need. It isn't the big grandiose signs people look for when the want "proof." It is the small things that we could miss if we weren't paying attention. In this case is was the little things that happened at the temple on a night that I wouldn't have normally worked. 

The Daughter of...

I am a daughter. I will always be a daughter no matter what other roles I have in my life. I am the daughter of an accountant. That's what most people see because I work in billing. My dad is also very religious, as am I. These are the easy things to see. My dad is still alive. 

My mom influenced me as well. I don't know if I have any of her traits quite honestly. I love my mom. I miss my mom. I would love to have her back. However, i am at a point in my life when I have to acknowledge the pain. 

I am the daughter of someone who was mentally ill. She was in and out of psychiatric hospitals for a few years. The first time she went, my sister and I had to live with our aunt and uncle for a few months. I still don't fully understand why, but it was traumatizing. The other times, we stayed home and lived life as normal as possible while periodically visiting her on the weekends. Then, she left, and we didn't know where she went for a while. (I later found out she did this other times, but this time my dad didn't cover up for her.) I have memories of her outbursts, odd stories she would tell us, and her climbing into my bed crying during PTSD episodes when she lived in out basement. I was 15. 

As the daughter of a mentally ill mother, I am always looking for signs of it in me. When I get depressed, is it chronic depression or are life circumstances just hard right now? When I get angry and yell, am I mentally ill, or is this a normal reaction? When I cry uncontrollably, am I mentally ill, or is it ok to be this sad sometimes? I understand everyone has emotions. I know that just because my mom needed a lot of help to care for her brain properly, that doesn't mean I do. I also know that can accept help, and I do from time to time. However, I haven't had anyone even try to diagnose me since I was 13 because I'm scared. Most people are diagnosed with my mom's illness (which was more than just PTSD) are in their late teens to mid 20s. That doesn't mean I can't have the same of similar issues. It just means I'm less likely. 

After talking to a few people that grew up with a mentally parent that have said they have the same fear. However, I still feel alone in this fear. I think I will always be looking for signs of it in me and people around me. 

I am a daughter. I have a mom and a dad. I know the traits I have of my dad's. I don't know if I have any traits of my mom right now other than her smile. I love being like my dad in some ways. I hate that I don't know enough about my mom to know how I'm like her. All I can remember lately is the mental illness and the love she gave us when she was feeling well. 

Surrounding Myself with Spiritual Influences

As I have been working on bettering myself and my circumstances, I have been reading self-help books, working as an ordinance worker in the temple, and doing my internship through Catholic Charities so I can finish my degree. I have had a strong concentration on improvement while not losing my testimony of Jesus Christ. Each step that I am taking draws me closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ because of this concentration. 

This week, I have been doing a lot of e-learning at my internship. Most of it has concentrated on being trauma informed. One thing that I love about these trainings is that they combine mental health concepts with the teachings of Jesus Christ. 

The most recent training that I have been working on is about self care to help with vicarious trauma. One thing that struck me was the concept that to love others and God we must learn to love ourselves. It was pointed out that when asked by the Pharisees, "Master, which is the great commandment in the law?" Jesus gave an answer of love saying, "Thou shalt live the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." Then, He continued this with, "...Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." (Matthew 22:36-39) The last part of these verses tell us we should love ourselves. If we don't, we can't love others the way they deserve to be loved. 

I am working with people who have been through real trauma. They have been dehumanized. They are looked down on by society in general. How can we make a change in even one person's life? I don't have all of the answers, but we need to take care of ourselves and carry on that love and care to those we can. I hope to be able to find my place in this space helping others, but I am learning that as I do what I can to find my space as a helper, I need to learn to care for myself as well. 

Mom Jewelry

There was a time I would have said I would never be ok with Mother's Day. Thankfully, I have finally started to enjoy it over the past few years. I think it took seeing it as a day to honor my contributions as a mother rather than mostly celebrating my spouse's mom because my mom isn't here to celebrate. It's not like I wanted a big thing about me, I just struggled with the reminder that I couldn't celebrate with my mom and didn't have the chance to come to terms with that. 

This year, I decided to honor the mothers that helped shape me into who I am today by wearing jewelry that was either theirs in the past or that they had given me. 

To honor my mom, I wore her CTR ring. It's tarnished from sitting in my jewelry box for many years, but that's ok. I was able to think about the woman that gave me life and taught me that it is ok to be different and expect to be loved. I wish I had embraced this lesson earlier in life. 

To honor my former mother-in-law, I wore a bracelet she gave me a long time ago. This was a reminder of her unconditional love. She took me in and loved me when I needed a mother's love and didn't have a mother on earth to do so. I will forever be grateful for the example she set for me children and me. 

For my stepmother, I wore a necklace she gave me a few years ago. We had a rocky start, but she has always loved my children with all of her heart. Now, we get along well, and I see the strength she has in her to push through the many struggles she still faces on a daily basis. 

I hope to embody the lessons these wonderful women have taught me for the rest of my life. When people say, "You must have had a great mother." I can say, "I had three."

Getting Closer

I finally started my internship this week, and I love it! I have wanted to be part of the solution for so long. With this position, I can finally do just that. 

I am working 16 hours a week with Catholic Charities helping people who need it. I have only done 2 shifts so far, but I have already learned a lot about helping those in shelters. I have mostly observed at this point, but I can't wait until I am trained enough to have a more active role. 

When I was getting divorced, it was known that my job sucked and I wanted a different one. When asked what I wanted to do, I would just say, "I want to make a REAL difference." The problem was I didn't know what I wanted to do or how to do it. All I knew was working in a call center was not going to get me there. 

About 4 years later, after earning an associates degree in business, I decided to go back to school. This time I started with the Pathways program and transitioned into online classes through BYU Idaho. This time I prayed about the program in which I would be enrolled and what career I would be working towards. I had the distinct impression that I should work an a degree in marriage and family studies with the goal of working in a shelter. I have worked hard on this goal while working a full time job in the shipping industry, raising 3 kids, working to have a healthy relationship with my husband, and growing my faith in my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. 

This internship is the last step to achieving the goal of getting my bachelor's degree and a big step towards what will hopefully be a fulfilling career helping people who need it rather than helping line the pockets of corporate executives. Leaning what little I have at this point, makes me want to learn more and strengthens my resolve to do what I can to make this world a better place for those who need it the most. I can't wait to see what the future brings!

Planting Flowers and More

Chad took off work on Saturday to pick up an order of bees which only took about an hour, so we had most of the day together. We took advantage of that by working in the yard. Noel even joined us after she got home from work. 

Since Chad is starting his bee journey, he wanted to plant a pollinator garden. He cleared the back corner of the front yard that we tried to make a salsa garden last year and failed. It has been cleared nicely, now. He planted a few varieties of flowers, some bulbs, and some wildflower seeds. They are all known to attract bees and should help with his goal of being able to harvest honey next year. 

Noel has been wanting to make a small flower garden under her bedroom window for a while, and this was her chance to do it. She even used her own money to buy the flowers and a decorative fence. She spent quite a bit of time clearing the weeds and grass from the area she wanted to plant as well as around it to try to keep the weeds out for as long as possible. The result was so impressive that I may consider doing something similar under all of the bedroom windows in the future. Of course, we would have to look for low or partial sun flowers for the windows on the north side of the house. 

I worked on the same flower and garden beds that I have been working on for many years including the one I created last year. I cleared weeds and planted flowers and blueberries. I will plant vegetables this weekend. My plan is to use the flower bed in front of the porch as a small three sisters garden with corn, beans, and cucumbers (hoping that is close enough to squash). One of my garden beds will be another attempt at a salsa garden with tomatoes, peppers, onions, and cilantro. The other one will have Swiss chard, carrots, and one more plant that has yet to be decided. We will also be clearing room by the cherry tree for pumpkins. 

We still have a long way to go to reach my dream of a drought resistant yard without grass. My grass is all dead, and we are trying to mitigate the weeds as best we can until we can fill the front yard in with plants and steppingstones. In the meantime, we will be cleaning up the backyard that has yet to be worked on and decide on an agreed vision for that. I am hoping to have a yard that is sustainable and enjoyable for everyone. 

Axe Throwing

Tonight, Chad and I went axe throwing after working out at the gym. There is a great axe throwing place near the movie theater in town that other people have been going to and we have talked about trying for a few years. Mondays are discounted, so of course, that's the day we chose to go. I was a bit hesitant and ended up loving it.  Had was excited and was not disappointed. I would highly recommend doing this as a date night to anyone thinking about it! 

Easter 2025

This morning, I woke up with this hymn on my mind. This is the hymn that my dear friend sang with me at my mom's and brother's funeral. That sweet friend had never heard it before but willingly learned it for me (a service I could never repay). I told my husband that I was sad we so rarely sang it in church anymore. Then, one of the speakers incorporated into her talk. After that, as if he knew how badly I needed it, the bishop made an impromptu change in the program and had the congregation stand and sing this very special hymn. I stood listening to everyone sing as I cried in Chad's arms. I am so thankful to know that because of Christ, I will be with my family again. He lives! He made the ultimate sacrifice for us! He comforts me when I need Him the most! 

My Easter celebration was more difficult this year than I expected. I think my cousin's death has hit me harder than I thought it would and continually throws me in the a spiral of grief over my mom and brother. Somehow, today I felt it so strong. The only thing that pulled me out of it was celebrating Easter with my kids. I love my kids, and I am so grateful that they still let me spoil them in this way. 

Letting Fear Win

I have been letting fear win way too much lately. I have two big tasks that need to be done as soon as possible, but I keep putting them off because I am scared of the outcome. The problem is that I am causing more problems by doing this. 

One big thing that I have procrastinated on is my internship approvals. I waited for an email telling me if everything was approved, but I wasn't getting it. Something told me I should check my school email (I can't remember when the last time I did that). I finally checked my school email, and my request was declined because it wasn't detailed enough 6 days ago. If I had stopped worrying about it and just checked the correct email address, I could have started my internship by now. 

The other thing that I need to do is get my passport. I don't know why am scared to do this. I need it for the trip I have planned with my friend this summer. I can still go, but I can't get off the boat if I don't have the passport. My first step is to make sure I have by birth certificate and make an appointment at the post office. Hopefully, I can get it done quickly because the cruise is in a little over 2 months. I will be doing these things by the end of the week. I can't believe I have waited this long to do this.

Of course, there are other things that I need to do that I keep putting off. I didn't used to be this bad at finishing things. I wish I could get to the root cause of it and fix myself.

After Day 2

Day 2 of General Conference was a bit harder to get through. This is only because I was tired and the second session of the day was during my usual Sunday nap. I made it through the morning session with no problem, but I slept through the first hour in the afternoon. Thankfully, I have it recorded and it is available on the church's website, and I can rewatch it anytime. 

My takeaway so far is that it is ok to not be perfect. This life is about progress. The Lord loves our efforts to keep our covenants. I have heard these things before, but it hit a bit different this time. 

I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I love that it is not a gospel of protection. It is a gospel of love and compassion, learning and growth, passion, and following the most powerful man to ever live on this earth. I am thankful to be a member of the Church of Jesus of Latter-Day Saints. I know my efforts to love and live this gospel will help me progress throughout eternity and lead me back to my mom and brother after this life. 

After Day 1

Yesterday was the first day of the April session of General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Chad and I watched the first 2 sessions of the day together, then he went to a Mammoth game with his brother while I watched the last session on my own. I really enjoyed listening to the talks and music. They filled my home with the Lord's spirit. 

I went into the day with one question. "What can I do to progress in life?" I have been working on getting an internship but feel like I have been stagnant or slipping backwards in so many other areas lately. I want to progress spiritually, financially, in my relationship with Chad, and in so many other areas of my life. Before conference started, I prayed for an answer to this question going that, like others have said they have done, I would receive an answer. I got my wish. 

As I listened to the talks, I got an overwhelming feeling that I need to grow my relationship with the Savior. I thought about this impression as the talks continued and during downtime. I'm pray daily, read my scriptures most days, go to the temple on a regular basis, and attend church and partake of the sacrament each week. What am I missing? 

I need to get past the checklists and follow the spirit to guide me towards a better relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I am going to read Jesus the Christ. At first, I thought I would have to borrow the book from someone since I am not buying new books this year. I was a bit worried about doing this because I am a slow reader, and it would probably take a few months for me to finish it and return it. Thankfully, I don't have to do this. The entire book is available on the Church's website. I can read it directly on the website or app, listen to it, or print it one chapter at a time. I have decided to print it piece by piece and put it in a binder as I go. It may take me a while to finish this book, but I feel strongly that it is my next step to grow my testimony and relationship with my Savoir. 

Internship Coming Together

 I have been working hard at finding an internship so I can graduate in July. I believe I have found one that will be a perfect fit for me. As long as everything continues to go smoothly, I will be doing my internship at Catholic Charities helping people with navigating employment options. I am so excited! 

When I interviewed for this position last week and learned more about the organization, I knew that I wanted to be involved in any way that I can. The supervisor I spoke to is exactly the kind of person I could see looking up to as a mentor. Everything about being there with her felt right. 

The only obstacle I have left is for my application with the school to be approved. I am little worried about that part because I am not sure it is related enough to Marriage and Family Studies. Honestly, if it isn't I would be devastated because I don't have a backup plan, and I really want to do this. 

When the internship is done, I hope I will be able to work for an organization like Catholic Charities. I want to be the kind of person that makes a difference in other people's lives. It has always been my wish and is even more so now that I am so close to the goal of graduation. 

Don't Say That

My cousin died last week about a year after his wife died in the same manner. He had been struggling with her loss, but on the surface seemed to be doing better and was even engaged. I don't really know this cousin because I don't know my mom's side of the family very well. I only knew what was posted on Facebook. I knew of his engagement, the brain injury he suffered from a sledding accident in January, the selling of his house, and finding a new home for his dogs saying he couldn't take care of them after his accident. I didn't know about the demons he had been fighting since his wife took her own life. 

When I saw that my cousin's fiancée had posted about him, iI thought it was another one about how much she loved him and the cute things he did for her. It wasn't. He died the same way as his wife. She is devastated. I feel so bad for her. She has posted about her feeling several times as a way of coping. 

Yesterday, she posted first thing in the morning saying how much she missed him. Not knowing how to support someone I don't know who lives in another state, I read through the comments to see what my sister or other cousins might have said. A comment made his late wife's sister telling this poor woman that she needed to think about the daughter that lost both of her parents the same way in 13 months. That's a bit heartless. There are many people suffering because of this loss. They need to be able to do so.

I remember being told I needed to think of the other people that had lost my mom and brother when I expressed grief many times. It started a few days after their death when my aunt told my sister and I that we were selfish for only listing their relationship they had to each other on the planned grave stones. It continued when people at church would constantly remind us that our sister was grieving when we were asked why we were less social than we had been before the accident. Then, it continued after my dad remarried as it was used against me when I was not handling being used as a scapegoat while still trying to figure out how to live without my mom and brother. It still happens every once in a while when I post about them on Facebook from my mom's family.

Those of us who have lost someone special know we are not the only ones who lost them. It doesn't need to be pointed out. When someone dies, the people left behind need compassion. Each person is hurting. Yes, it is tragic that my cousin's kids lost two parents to suicide in just over a year. That has got to be devastating for them! It is also tragic that a lady who was planning a wedding in just over a month lost the man she loves and planned to spend eternity with. If we want to look at all of the people suffering right now, we can include my aunt and uncle who now have to bury another son and my cousins who have lost another sibling. There are undoubtedly many more people that he touched that are sad right now. Don't tell one person who has every right to be devastated by this loss that she needs to think of other people. She knows about them. It doesn't change how she is feeling. 

Standing for Something - Book Review

 Many years ago, I either bought this book or was given it. I really don't remember when or how it came into my home. However, I do know I have never really read it other than using it as a reference for talks at church. 

When searching for self-improvement materials that would support my values and goals, I remembered I had this book sitting on the shelf in my living room and added it to my bag of books to read. I am so glad that I did! 

Standing for Something was published in 2000, but it is even more applicable today. How do I assure that I am a person I can be proud of? Follow the teachings of this book. I can have integrity, continue learning, offer forgiveness and mercy, express gratitude, live a life of faith, etc. As I do so, I will be a guardian of marriage and family as I learn to be a true leader. What more could I ask of myself?

As I read this book, I had a few breakthroughs. I know that it was written by a prophet of God. It contains inspired words that not only could help those who read it in 2000, it can continue to help those who read it and follow its teachings. 

Here are a few quotes that blew my mind: 

"We live in an intriguing age, a curious age in many respects, an age in which the ability and power to communicate, and therefore to influence and persuade, reign supreme. With the proliferation of technology, and the various forms of media clamoring to take advantage of it, has come an interesting side effect...It is impossible to read the columns or listen to the commentaries without sensing that there is a terrible ailment of gloom in the land. We are constantly fed a steady and sour diet of pessimism, fault find, send-guessing, and evil speaking of one another. The pathetic fact is: Negativism sells."

"For marriage to be mutually satisfying, there must be recognition on the part of both husband and wife of the solemnity and sanctity of their union and of the God-given design behind it. Husbands and wives, look upon each other as precious companions, and live worthy of that association."

"Each of us in an individual...There must be respect for those differences...the differences may make the companionship more interesting...There must be respect for each other's interests, there must be opportunities and encouragement for the development and expression of individual talent. Any man who denies his wife the time and encouragement to develop her talents denies himself and his children a blessing that could grace their home and bless their posterity."

"Never in the history of the world has there been a more profound need for leaders of principle to step forward. Never before, at least not in our generation, have the forces of evil been so blatant, so brazen, so aggressive at they are at the present time. Things we dared not speak about in an earlier era are now constantly projected into our living rooms."

"We are involved in an intense battle. It is a battle between right and wrong, between truth and error, between the design of the Almighty on the one hand and that of Lucifer on the other. For that reason, we desperately need men and women who, in their individual spheres of influence, will stand for truth in a world of sophistry...We need moral men and women, people who stand on principle, to be involved in the political process. Otherwise, we abdicate power to those whose designs are almost entirely selfish."

 We live in a time that can be scary. People are mistreated. It is hard to discern between truth and fiction in the media (all media) at times. Spouses mistreat each other rather than build each other up. (My husband is my biggest cheerleader. Not everyone is that fortunate.) We have politicians that are more interested in things other than the good of the people. 

The world would be a better place if we could learn the simple things laid out in this book. We could all use more character growth. It could be healing for us individually and as a society. 

 

Mourning Still

A few months after my mom and brother died, my boyfriend at the time asked when I was going to get over it. I'm sure he just didn't understand, but it was harsh. We broke up a few months later. (Yep. I was a doormat for even before I met my ex husband.) I think I finally have an answer to that boy's question, though. Never. At least, not in this lifetime. 

I am sitting here 28 1/2 years after Anthony and Mom were taken suddenly crying over what we did have and wishing they were here. The last few weeks have been hard, and the last 3 days have been absolutely heartbreaking. 

I didn't get to experience an adult relationship with my mom. She died about a month after I turned 18. I was still in high school. I was at a baby shower a few weeks ago, and a question for a game was ask about what new parents ask experienced parents. The answers shocked some people, and someone made the comment that everyone just gets that kind of help or advice from their mom when the baby is born. I got help and advice from my mother-in-law at the time. I will forever be grateful that she took the time to help me with things in the beginning, but it is hard to ignore my mom wasn't able to be there. The other day a well meaning person said they understood how hard it was to lose a mother, and for them the hardest part was not being able to call her whenever they wanted. I never had that. Even after my mom moved out, we didn't have that. I was able to drive to visit her when I wanted, but I don't think it ever occurred to me to just call her. 

I'm glad most women have the kind of relationship that there are certain things they can just expect from their moms. I'm not mad about that. I hope my kids and I have that as they grow older and progress in life. However, I am also sad I never got to experience an adult relationship with my mother. I miss her terribly, and I understand that a big part of that is mourning for the things we never got to experience together because she was gone so young.

Sick All of the Time

This last few weeks, I have been sick, and it wasn't the first time over the last few months. I have been sick off and on since December which is the most I have been sick for a while. I am fairly certain that is because I have been working from home 5 years as of this week and don't get to leave the house as much as I would like. This means my immune system hasn't been building up as much as it would have if I had more contact with the public. 

I also had the joy of going to the ER in December and finding out that my asthma has gone from being exercise induced and fairly inactive to being viral induced as well and causing more problems. Now, I get to have a rescue inhaler with me and keep track of how many times per week I use it. If I use it too often, which I have been doing, I am supposed to be referred to a pulmonologist for further testing. I will probably keep going as I have until my ER bill is paid. 

I am currently still searching for an internship to finish my degree. I am hoping for an in-person position. Being around people will help me build my immune system while I network and work towards finding a job in my chosen field. Maybe, next cold and flu season will be a bit easier on me. 

Weight Loss Incentives

Earlier this week, Chad and I decided that we needed to have incentives to lose weight. Our big incentive, for when we reach our goal weights, is to have a weekend in the mountains with cross country skiing lessons (one of the ideas we had for our anniversary trip this year). The thing is, we have a long way to go (especially me). I suggested that we have incentives for smaller goals along the way. He agreed, and we sat down and discussed what would help motivate each of us. The only rule was no food rewards. 

Mine are:

• 10 pounds = Chad does dishes for a week
• 20 pounds = new nail polish
• 30 pounds = pedicure
• 40 pounds = Topgolf date
• 50 pounds = new stickers
• 60 pounds = Cross country skiing trip

Chad's are:

• 10 pounds = Rosa does grocery shopping for a month
• 25 pounds = get his bike fixed
• Goal weight = Cross country skiing trip

Chad has less incentives because he doesn't want to have more. He says he can't think of anything else that would help motivate him. I, on the other hand, need something to incentivize me throughout my journey. I don't know if this will help more than other things that I have tried including the fatty liver diagnosis, but I am willing to give it a try. I hate being this big. Thankfully, I am no longer married to someone who makes comments about my size, but that doesn't change the fact that I want to be more comfortable in my own body. 

So Close

 I am very close to getting my Bachelor of Science in Marriage and Family Studies. How close? I only have to do the internship. I have been this close for almost a year now, and I have put off the internship because I'm scared to put myself out there and don't know where to start looking for it. Ideally, I would find an internship that I can work in the evenings after I get off work and would be paid as a part time job. Realistically, I know it is unlikely that I would be paid, but I may be able to find something that I could do after work and on Saturdays. I have just let the fear take over and keep me from achieving this dream. (I do this way too much!)

Over the last few days, I have had two calls from the university. The first one was from advising reminding me that I need to do the internship by the middle of April. (I don't know if that is even possible.) She gave me a few options that could extend that deadline, but I would have to take more classes because I have been in school for so long. One of the options was to switch to a professional general degree in which I would have to take a handful of classes, but I would not have to complete an internship (very appealing). After talking over these options with Chad, I decided that changing to the professional general degree from marriage and family studies would be the best option and emailed her back telling her so. Today, the director of the department called me to let me know that if I could get going on an internship, he would do everything he could to help me complete the degree without taking any more classes. He said that this would be the best option because the internship could help me network and possibly lead to a job in a humanitarian field. This was followed up with an email that gives me the email address to reach out to the internship coordinator. 

I think I am ready to do an internship. I am worried about being gone most evenings. I don't want my kids or husband to feel neglected. However, I do like the idea of being able to switch to a career in which I can actually help people. That has been my goal for a long time.

Paige Fish Concert

 

Last night, my sweet daughter took me to a concert at a dive bar in Denver. She has played music by Paige Fish when we have been in the car together for a while. When Noel found out there was a concert that she could afford, she came to me and asked if I would go with her. I love live music and knew I already liked at least some of her songs. 

This concert was probably one of the less professional shows I have been to, but I thought it was pretty good. The bar was small, so it was packed which made it harder to see the stage and the crowd was quite young even for Noel (they sold under and over 21 tickets). The opening act impressed me, and Paige Fish sang beautifully. There is just something about a real soulful voice that I could listen to for hours. This was such a good pairing! 

I love that it is easy to find music from up and coming artists, and I love that my kids seek it out. I wouldn't be surprised if this artist is the next Sheryl Crow. 

Mom's Birthday

 

This past weekend, I went to a baby shower where we played a Family Feud style game in which one of the questions asked what a new parent might ask a seasoned parent advice about. I wrote down the basics: feeding, bathing, putting to sleep. I only got one right.  Then I heard someone make a comment about how the basics are pretty much learned when the mom comes to help her daughter care for the new baby. This was just one  more reminder of what I missed out on. I had a wonderful mother-in-law at the time that taught me the things I needed to know, but it wasn't my mom, and I had to ask. I didn't get to have my mom do these things because she died 7 1/2 years before I had my first child. I think this reminder hurt more because this shower was only 3 days before my mom's birthday. 

Now, it is my mom's birthday. I miss her terribly. I miss her smile. I miss her laugh. I miss hearing the sound of her voice. I miss her willingness to try to help me with hobbies she either doesn't really understand or doesn't like doing. I wish she were here but know my life would have been way different if she was. I will have to settle for knowing that I will be with her again, feeling her arms around me. 

Happy birthday, Mom! I love you! I can't wait for the day we will be celebrating together again. 

Breakfast with Sourdough

 

I am a bit obsessed with sourdough lately. I nave been making 2 boules a week most weeks (some unloaf, some regular), and I am the main person that eats it. Recently, I am loving breakfast sandwiches made with sourdough, a scrambled egg, and a slice of American cheese. It's kind of like an egg McMuffin leveled up. I know I will eventually eat something else for breakfast, but this is my favorite for now. 

Why Disney?

 

We have had the Disney+ bundle with Hulu for many years. The only problem we have had is that Hulu forces us to log off and log back in every so often. It was kind of exciting when Disney+ added the Hulu stuff to the app because we didn't have to worry as much about the Hulu thing. 

Now, we have an interesting complication with Disney+. Both of the TVs with Rokus gave us a message that they are not showing as part of the household all of a sudden. Why? I have no idea. They are accessed by the same WiFi network as everything else. It is a simple fix, but a bit more difficult when the account holder is at work and can't always answer calls or texts. 

Yesterday, Noel got this message. Chad is the account holder and works installing and repairing internet and cable. I tried to call in case he was between jobs. Then, I took a picture of her screen and sent it to him asking for help fixing it. When he got the chance he called. We requested the code needed. He had to check his email and read it off to us. Had he been home, he would have navigated the remote and it would have been fixed a lot quicker. 

I understand the idea of trying to crack down on account sharing, but this is frustrating. It is literally accessed by the same home network. Why is it only the Rokus that are being targeted? Be smarter about this Disney.

The Peace Settled In

 

Last week was intense. It felt like every time I turned on the news or hopped on social media, more people had reason to fear. Government employees were losing jobs that were considered safe in the past. There were talks of banning mental health medications. (Having grown up the way I did, I have strong feelings about this.) Those in charge even tried to change historical fact. (Can we say 1984?) The more I was bombarded with these things, the more overwhelmed I got. I had to do something about it. 

By the end of the week, I desperately needed to feel peace! Thankfully, I had already scheduled an appointment at the temple. I considered canceling it, and even talked over the pros and cons with my friend and my husband. They strongly encouraged me to go. During my prayer, I asked if I should go or stay home to clean as I do most Saturdays. Then, I opened my scripture and read this:

"Verily I say unto you, all among them who know their hearts are honest, and are broken, and their spirits are contrite, and are willing to observe their covenants by sacrifice - yea, every sacrifice which I, the Lord shall command - they are accepted of me."-Doctrine and Covenants 97:8

 At this point, I knew I needed to make the sacrifice and go. I would still have the time to do laundry, dishes, and the other cleaning I was planning around the house. 

Now, I had faith that I would be blessed by serving in the temple. I was able to feel the excitement of going. I quickly showered, gathered by things, headed out the door, and drove to Fort Collins. As I drove, I craved the peace I knew I could feel once I was there. 

As I sat down in the Endowment Room and the doors closed, I felt a rush of relief. It was such a strong feeling that tears ran down my face. I sat through the session soaking in the peace and relief that can only be felt through the spirit of the Lord. My prayers were answered!

Making Weight Loss Goals Again

I have rewatching Biggest Loser lately after watching a podcast episode on YouTube where Jillian Michaels interviewed some of her past contestants that have continued to be successful. I loved listening to them talk about their time on the show and decided to search out old episodes after they said they are available to watch. I found seasons 10 to 17 on Prime. It looks like the rest may be available to purchase on there, but I'm not willing to do that. 

I am very inspired by this show. I know that losing as much weight per week as they did is not healthy, but watching what I eat and exercising is healthy. This show gives me hope that weight loss is possible. 

I finished season 11 last week. For about the last month or so of that season, the girls were getting to be smaller than me and losing 3 or more pounds per week. So far, this is the most inspiring part of the show. I think I can lose 2 or 3 pounds a week if I really try. 

Another inspiration from this show came from one of the men. Each week, he wrote his goal weight of the week. Each week, he met or surpassed his goal. I have decided to follow this example by putting my goal for the week on my hand. This is not going to be an easy goal to meet, but I think I can do it through a lot of hard work. 

I know I have tried to lose weight many times just to gain it all back. I hope to be able to create the habits necessary to lose weight and keep it off. 

Chocolate Raspberry Sourdough

 Today, I made a raspberry and chocolate sourdough loaf. It was originally going to be made with strawberries and white chocolate chips, but we have a lot of chocolate chips in the house, and there were no strawberries at the grocery store last night. I started making it first thing this morning, and we had it with dinner. It tastes like a desert instead of bread. 

The recipe came from a Facebook post. I'm fairly certain it was AI generated because I had to alter it to work. I believe I altered it enough to avoid any copyright issues that could come up from posting it. 

Raspberry Chocolate Bread

Combine:

• 1 cup active sourdough starter
• 1/2 cup squished raspberries 
• 3/4 cup warm water
• 2 1/2 cups all purpose flour 
• 1 Tablespoon granulated sugar 
• 1 teaspoon salt
• Red food dye as desired 

Kneed the dough for 8 to minutes or until smooth. Shape into a ball and place in lightly oiled bowl. Cover and let raise 4-6 hours. Laminate the dough on a lightly floured surface. Spread raspberries and chocolate chips on the dough. Shape the dough and place in a proofing bowl. Cover and let raise for 2-3 hours. Preheat oven to 450. Place dough in a Dutch oven and bake with the lid on for 20 minutes. Remove the lid and bake an additional 20-25 minutes or until the bread is a golden brown. Cool and serve. 

Valentine's Day 2025

Chad and I agreed that our trip last weekend counted as anniversary and Valentine's Day. (We often combine them since they are so close together.) It kind of made the day boring, especially since I already gave the kids their gifts. However, we did still celebrate a bit. 

First, Noel went shopping after work and bought me some presents: a weighted stuffed bunny, body butter, and socks that I can wear to church and the temple because she knows I'm not a fan of wearing my purple long socks with emojis with dresses (I will wear them to church with my boots if it's cold). These gifts were so thoughtful that they almost made me cry. She is seriously so thoughtful!

Then, made a heart shaped pizza. It was a bit lopsided, but still tasty. Sean and Chad even tried to convince me that it looked more like a heart than I claimed. 

After dinner, Chad and I went out for ice cream...at the grocery store. Are we romantic or what? He even searched for the rocky road that I really wanted. 

Finally, he went to bed as I stayed up until the boyfriend went home. The sweet small thing he did, and often does, was put the remote on my pillow. He likes to sleep without the tv, but I need the distraction for my brain. When we go to bed at separate times, he puts the remote and sometimes my Kindle on my pillow so I don't have to search for them in the dark. Then, I make sure the sleep timer is set so he doesn't have to sleep without it on too much at night. (We have tried sleeping without the tv, I struggle to fall asleep.) 

I love my family and the little things they do to show love. We may not need a day set aside to prove it, but it nice to have a day set aside just for love.

Feeling the Love

 

As we get closer to Valentine's Day, I am doing things around the house to help us all feel loved. I already gave my kids their presents, little stuffed hearts and candies, and yesterday I made sourdough with a heart in the scoring. I will also be making heart shaped pizza on Valentine's Day and Valentine bread the following day. I love that there are so many cute ways to celebrate this day of love. I wish there were other days during the year to give me an excuse to do such things. 

Chad's Birthday

 

Last night, we celebrated Chad's birthday. It was a day late because we wanted Super Bowl food on his birthday and knew we be concentrating on the game. He agreed that it would be better if we waited a day. 

I think he had a good celebration. It wasn't the big party he had last year, but he wasn't turning 50 this year. We had dinner and desert at home with all of the kids. He chose chicken enchiladas, Snoop Dog's brownies, and ice cream. We also played a game of Exploding Kittens. After dinner, he opened his gifts, and we sat around talking and enjoying each other's company. 

I don't know for sure if he enjoyed his celebration, but he seemed to have liked it. My hope is that he felt special and loved. 

13th Anniversary Trip

 Chad has been looking forward to our 13th anniversary for a long time. As soon as he found out that my first marriage lasted 12 years, he said that we needed to do something big for lucky 13. At first, we were planning an Alaskan cruise. That idea changed to a train ride across the country. Then, we thought visiting our friends in Florida and going to Universal Studios would be fun. (He can get free tickets to Universal Studios because of his job.) Eventually, we landed on a trip to Colorado Springs where we would stay in a historic hotel and play tourist. 

Friday night, we headed down to Colorado Springs and checked into The Mining Exchange. This historic hotel was probably the fanciest hotel we have ever stayed. We took advantage of the valley parking, checked in, and went up to our room. We were impressed right away with the amazing customer service, the cleanliness, and the many amenities. 

After checking out their art gallery, we changed into our nice clothes and went to dinner at Red Gravy, and little Italian restaurant around the block from where we were staying. This was the kind of place where we didn't feel out of place dressed up, but there were also people there in jeans. The food was good, the service was decent, and we lest happy that this was the place we chose.

In the morning, we had breakfast at the hotel and headed out to play tourist more. 

We started with hiking at The Garden of the Gods. We had stopped here with the kids when we did our staycation in 2022, but they didn't want to hike, so we just walked around one little area and took pictures. This time, we hiked what we could of a small loop (some of the trail was closed for maintenance). It was beautiful! I hope we go back to hike other parts of it in the future. We even saw a small heard of big horn sheep as we were leaving. 

Next, we went to Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. We had heard plot was one of the best zoos. The kids have been talking about it since they went with their grandparents years ago. It was very nice, but smaller than we had expected, and some of the animals were inside areas we couldn't get to because of the cold. We were able to see a lot of animals, though as we made our way through this cute zoo build on the side of a mountain. 

Finally, we went to Ivywild School, a historic school that has been made into a food court. It was cute! The classroom were the restaurants and stores. For the most part, the school feel was still there. We got souvenirs at the small gift shop and ate deep dish pizza after roaming the halls of this unique building. I would totally recommend going if you are into historical buildings. 

This trip was perfect for us. We were able to do everything we planned, have good conversation, and not totally break the bank. I wish we could do stuff like this more often, but I guess it wouldn't be a big, special anniversary trip if we did.