Getting Closer

 I am going on a trip next week with my friend, Michelle. We started planning this trip late last year, and it seemed so far away. For a while, it felt like it wasn't even happening even though I knew I had already paid for it. I drug my feet on getting my passport for the longest time because the trip felt so far away. Now, my passport will be here Friday. I will be on a plane to Florida a week from tomorrow and on a cruise to the Bahamas the next day. 

I am nervous and excited about this trip. I feel guilty for leaving my internship for a week, but I have already discussed it with my supervisor. I just hope it doesn't cause problems with the school for me to miss the majority of my hours. I am a nervous flyer, and all of the plane crashes over the past year have made me even more nervous. I have never been on a flight that long, so I hope not to have a panic attack on the plan. I am excited to see things that I have never seen and thought I would never see in my lifetime. I am excited to get out of my comfort zone for a bit and spend time with my dear friend. I am excited to see the ocean and go on my first international trip. (I'm not counting my Niagra Falls trip barely in Canada when I was 12.) I am excited to just get away for a while. I have been so stressed and need to have this reset. 

What do I still need to do? I don't totally know. I know I still need to pay my friend back for the plane tickets and make sure I have the money available for the hotel room for Thursday night. I need to make sure to pack everything I need, but I'm not totally sure what all I will need. I will be meeting up with Michelle Saturday to make sure we each have a checklist to make sure we are ready to go. 

I hope this vacation is as amazing as I imagine it will be. I have been told it is a great place to go and a good first cruise. 

That Episode

I think we all have one episode of a show that is seared in our brains. It doesn't have to be a favorite show that we watch all of the time like I do with friends. It can be the episode of a show that we have only seen a few times. For me, it is season 5 episode 3 of Glee: The Quarterback. It is one of the saddest episodes of any show I have ever seen, but it is also one of the most relatable. 

This episode was necessary because Cory Montieth, one of the stars of the show, had passed away, and they needed to say goodbye on the show. This is my third time watching this show, and the into to this specific episode gets me every time. It starts off with Seasons of Love followed by a monologue by Kurt (the stepbrother). 

"People keep asking me, 'how are you feeling? What are you feeling?' I have no answers. Honestly, what can you say about a 19 year-old who dies? Everyone wants to talk about how he died, too, but who cares? One moment in this whole life. I care about how he lived...he was my brother."

I have never related to a line in anything as much as I do this line. Anthony was 19 when he died. He was, and will always be, my brother. He was my protector and friend. My favorite memory of him was from the last Christmas we celebrated together. He and I decided to try to stay awake all night until our dad and sister woke up in the morning. We watched old cartoons on VHS until I fell asleep on the living room floor. I still have no idea if he fell asleep or not. I will never know, but I will always have the memory of staying up watching cheesy cartoons, laughing and joking. I miss having a relationship like that with someone. I have never had it since. 

There are several shows that have characters who die. When the actor actually passed away, I can feel the emotion in these goodbye episodes. The shows that come to mind are: 8 Simple Rules, Riverdale, News Radio, and... Glee.  Of all of those, Glee is the one that plays over and over in my head. Will I ever be able to get through something like this without thinking of what and who I lost? Probably not, and I'm ok with that. Grief is proof that he was here and was important to someone. 

 

 

 

Exhausted but Happy

Working an internship part-time along with working my full-time job and trying to take care of the household along with my church responsibilities is exhausting! My regular job is a good job. I get paid fairly well, I have been working for the company for long enough that I can basically take off when I want (within reason of course), and I have a good boss that actually looks out for his employees. I love my internship. I get to work with people that actually need help. I have been saying for a long time that I wanted to do something that would make a difference, and this is my chance. I also love my family and want to take care of them to the best of my ability. Things have gotten hectic at home for a few weeks, but I'm sure it will calm down soon enough. I am the Relief Society secretary and work in the temple twice a month most months. I wouldn't want to walk away from anything I am doing. It is exhausting but fulfilling. I look forward to having less responsibilities, but I am also worried about life being boring when it happens. Who knows? Maybe, I will be one of those people that doesn't completely slow down. 

Losing Accrediation?

With talk of the president threatening to strip Columbia of its accreditation, it brings me back to when the school I earned my associate's degree from lost its accreditation. As a student who had worked for 5 years to earn a "2 year" degree, it sucks. I had to completely redo the education I already completed because the school was no longer recognized in the academic world, and I still owed my student loans until December of last year (a little over 9 years after the school was closed by the government).

In 2014, I finally earned by associate's degree in business management. This was a big accomplishment. I was not allowed to go to school until 2009 and almost quit several times. I only finished because of Chad's encouragement. Within a few months, I got a certified letter stating that the school had been closed, stripped of their accreditation, and all transcripts were being destroyed because of predatory recruiting practices. This happened to several for-profit schools around the country. There was a link to apply for student loans to be forgiven, but I was denied at that time because I started before 2010. 

In 2015, I started the Pathways program and matriculated into BYU-Idaho in 2016. At this time, they told me my previous education didn't count because of the reason the school was closed. I accepted this and retook all of the general education I had previously completed. The good part was that with more practice, I was better in these subjects. Also, I took it more seriously and retained more information. 

I am now getting close to graduating with my bachelor's degree in marriage and family studies. Counting my year in Pathways it will have taken me about 10 years to get to this point. Once again, I can credit my loving husband for helping me get to this point. I know I did the work, but his encouragement has been a big part of me doing things outside of my comfort zone. However, I can't help but think that it could have taken me a few less years had my credits from the previous school counted towards this degree as well. 

Now back to Columbia. I can't help but to feel bad for the students of this prestigious university. They are paying good money for top notch education that can be voided by the government if this dude gets his way. They won't be able to transfer their credits or apply to grad schools. I don't think any one thinks of how this kind of thing affects the students. 

Night at the Temple

Last night I subbed at the temple. Chad and I normally work the 2nd and 4th Tuesdays, but I have been filling in here and there when people go on trips and stuff. The thing is, I don't remember saying I was going to be a sub for this particular night. I remember being asked a few months ago and saying I needed to wait to give an answer because I was waiting to find out what my internship hours would be, but I don't think I ever got back to her. Then, Monday I got an email with me on the schedule for the following evening with a thank you for being willing to sub. (We usually get the schedule of where we will be and when the day before we work our regular shifts.) I was confused and a bit disappointed I wouldn't have the night to rest, but I was a bit excited to be scheduled to be working an endowment session. 

As I drove to the temple, I knew that there was a reason I needed to be there that night and assumed it was just to escape the world for a few hours. When I arrived, I was greeted by three women who thanked me profusely for showing up and being willing to be there (maybe the unanswered question was confusing to them as well). It felt so good and so natural to be there! About an hour in, I was assigned to work in initiatory, but there were too many workers, so I sat waiting to see if more patrons would arrive reading The Book of Mormon. 

I felt the need to read Ether  and started with chapter 1. When I got to the brother of Jared speaking to the Lord about needing light in the barges, my mind went to the symbolism of this. We often find ourselves in darkness needing light in our lives. I personally let current events bring me down a lot lately and crave the peace that Christ can give. Just as the brother of Jared asked the Lord to touch the stone to light the barges, I can ask Him to touch my spirit to bring light into my heart and mind. If I had not experienced the difference between my mind for the past week and my mind in the temple last night, I don't believe I would have made that connection. 

After this wonderful experience, I sat in the chapel with the organ playing familiar hymns and prayed to feel the Spirit of the messages and to be able to assist the patrons in whatever way possible. As I stood to welcome them and ask them to follow me, I could feel His spirit so strong that I already had tear in my eyes. This feeling was so strong throughout the session that it was palpable. Just as in January, the peace and joy I felt made making the sacrifice of leaving my family worth every second of being there. I was meant to be there even if I didn't know it.

I am so thankful to my Savior for the sacrifice He made for me. I am thankful for the grace and mercy He shows me when I need it the most. I have no doubt that I will continue to have these experiences and be shocked and in awe each time my Heavenly Father makes it known He is listening and understands what I need. It isn't the big grandiose signs people look for when the want "proof." It is the small things that we could miss if we weren't paying attention. In this case is was the little things that happened at the temple on a night that I wouldn't have normally worked.