Vitamin Regimen

When reading The End of Mental Illness, I decided I needed to start a regular vitamin regimen. Each time I read about a symptom that seemed like something I could be dealing with, I added another supplement. I am now taking a multivitamin, magnesium, ginkgo biloba, fish oil, and iron. For the most part, I have taken these supplements for four or five months.

I don't know if it is making a difference because this book was the start of my self-help journey. The thing is that I don't really care if it is the changes I'm making with each book, the supplements, my greater concentration on spiritual matters, or everything combined. I have been feeling better, and I can't afford to send myself and my child to therapy. I am going to keep doing what I've been doing as long as I continue healing and progressing mentally and spiritually. 

Why I Don't Post as Much

I have obviously stopped posting as much on this blog. It hasn't been a conscious decision for the most part. A big part of it has been because I have been journaling daily as part of my Miracle Morning. Also, I was struggling with knowing what to post and what not to post and had stepped back a bit while trying to make those decisions. 

A paper journal has many advantages. I love sitting down and writing. There is just something cathartic about it that I can't fully explain. I can spill my guts out without judgement or backlash and just sit in the moment. Also, if some server crashes, the journal is still preserved. Having lost my mom at a young age, I see the value in having these records of my innermost thoughts, too. I have no idea if they will have any kind of sentimental value to anyone other than me, but they will be in existence if someone wants to learn about the real me. 

A few years ago, it had become obvious that a few people I didn't really want to know certain things were reading my blog. When I vented about this, the backlash directed at one of the children was horrible. Since then, I have been trying to make sure not to post things that could have those results. It's exhausting and a reminder of the controlling crap I endured in a past relationship. A bout 4 or 5 months ago, a comment left on here made it obvious that at least one of these people are still reading what I post. (Hi!) I went into a spiral of fear and depression that I didn't know how to get out of myself. This sent me into a deeper dive of self-help books than I have ever gotten into, and it is helping. It has also lead me to journaling on paper again. I guess you can say that those who have been doing what they can to cyber stalk me have helped me find the parts of me I didn't even know were missing. Thank you, I guess.

Am I going to continue posting? Yes. I just won't be doing so on a consistent basis. I will still post about books I love, my testimony of Jesus Christ and His gospel when I feel inspired to to so, major life events, my knitting or crocheting, and any other time I feel the need to do so. I just won't be posting nearly every day like I had been for a while. My sanity is more important than the $0.03 I earn off of this per month. 

Lantern Festival

 

My daughter has had to deal with some hard things in this life. I don't know how to help her with it all, but I try. The main this I do to try to make sure she knows her feelings are valid. Last weekend, one of the things we did together to try help her was go to a water lantern festival. 

With our entry tickets, we were each given a paper lantern to decorate. We each chose a quote to write on them and what to draw. When the ceremony began, we released our lanterns in the water and watched them float away. It was calming and freeing to do this as meditative music played over the speakers. When she was ready to go, we left. 

I don't know if this helped her. I hope it  gave her some closure. I know it helped me clear my mind even though I didn't realize it would benefit me in any way. 

Probably Need Help

My mind has been doing fun things lately. I am scared of way too many things. I don’t know when or how this happened. I understand being afraid of car accidents or being worried about the death of a loved one, but I don’t understand why I am so scared of the future right now. It seems like the closer I get to graduation, the more I am shutting down. I am excited to be done with school. I’m excited for my daughter to be done with school.

 I just don’t know what the future holds for any of us right now. Could this be because I have been fighting for everything for so long that I can’t just let it go. Maybe this change to a more traditional lifestyle will be the cure for what ails me. I just hope it isn’t the cause. I’m not great with big change, and I am plunging into it head first while being forced into one of the biggest transitions of my life. 

I know I should probably get therapy, but that is not in the cards for me right now. I am already spending more on therapy and doctor bills per month for my kid than I am saving in my HSA account. I just need the world to stop turning for a little bit so I can get my bearings. 

Working on It

Someday, I will get professional help again. It’s not the budget right now, and I’m ok with that. Even though I go into a downward spiral at times, I know it can be worse. It has been worse. Last time it scared me, I got help, and I am working on the coping mechanisms I learned three years ago. It is more important for my kids to be taken care of for now. One of these days they will all be gone, and I will be able to put more into myself at that time. 

What am I doing now? I am exercising more and have started to read fiction again before I go to sleep at night. I am reading in the Book of Mormon more consistently again and listening to conference talks while I work. I switched to watching Heartland instead of intense police and medical dramas. I have cleaned my desk a bit and am looking for more things to get rid of. I have had a few conversations with my husband to tell him what I am stressing out about. 

All of these things are helping a little bit. I think that it will help more as the habits develop. I am working on having hope for the future again. 

Speech Done

I had to write and give a speech for my Child and Family Advocacy class. We were told to write a persuasive speech about a social issue affecting children and families along with laws or policies involving that issue. I chose to write about mental illness using my experience with my mom as an example. I talked about the importance of yearly mental health screenings for children and adolescents. I talked about the need to have conversations about it to help people be more willing to seek help.

This was a hard speech to write because I had to make sure I used enough research from reputable research in a way that was easy to understand. Peer review articles can be hard to read though and even harder to incorporate in this type of writing. Once I get going on something like this, it is even harder to narrow down what needs to be included. It was only supposed to be 3 to 5 minutes. I had to cut out two entire paragraphs as well smaller sections here and there. Finding policies and laws in my state was probably the easiest part of the process. 

This was also a hard speech to give. I was able to read the entire speech, but it is hard to talk about certain aspects of growing up without getting emotional. I love my mom, and I know she was a good mom when her mental illness did not get in the way. Her hospitalizations and leaving the family are not topics I enjoy talking about. I almost cried once, but I was able to gain my composure and finish the speech. 

After I performed the speech and my class meeting was over, I read it for my husband. He got emotional hearing details he hadn’t heard before this. 

I am thankful for the opportunity to do this speech. I was able to learn more about myself and my family in he process. If all I learn from this education process is how to process my past and be a better functioning person, it will all be worth it.