Mother's Day

 

I have a love/hate relationship with Mother's Day. I have never experienced a Mother's Day as an adult with my mom. She died with I was barely 18. I am jealous of women who get to celebrate being a mom with their mom. It's not something I thought about prior to her death because the idea of me becoming a mom was sometime in the future. 

I spent many years celebrating with a mother-in-law. My first husband's mom (the better mother-in-law) was never offended by my foul mood on a day that reminded me my mom was gone. She was always very understanding. My current mother-in-law is not understanding of anything. My first Mother's Day with her she told me that I would eventually get over it and enjoy the day. (I hate when I am told to get over it.) I am glad I don't have to pretend to enjoy the day around her anymore now that she live in a different state. The thing is that even when I was with my first mother-in-law, the pain of the reminder of my loss made it difficult to enjoy the day.

Over the past few years, I have come to enjoy being celebrated by my husband and kids. Chad has bought me flowers almost every year since we were married. It is all I ever wanted as a gift. I am so thankful for a husband who listens. Since Eric moved out, he has made a point of coming over for dinner which is all I expect of  him. Seeing him an playing games with him is the greatest present he can give me. (I know he comes over at least once a month. Can't I consider it a gift each time?) This year Noel even bought me something with her own money. I know she doesn't have much, so that makes me feel incredibly special that she would spend some of what she has worked hard to earn on me. All of these things to not take away the sadness of what I don't have, but they have helped me finally learn to love this day. 

Good Mom

I think I am a good mom. I know not many moms would say that this close to Mothers' Day, but I am saying that right now. Why do I say this rather than saying I am horrible? First of all, I am not an attention seeker. There are those who will say self-deprecating things just to hear the accolades that fly at them after saying such things. As I have said in the past, I don't need attention. If I were looking for attention, I would do so on another platform to express myself. Second, I love my kids more than anything else in this world. They know this, and I will live to my dying day making sure they continue to know it. Third, I have done everything I can to teach my kids to be good people. I may not have done this in a way that others would agree with, but I don't care. I have done it my own way. So far, they are all good people who care about others. I don't think this will change. I know I am the best mom I know how be.

It is not easy to be the parent you didn't have growing up. My mom checked out mentally when she had a mental breakdown when I was young and moved out when I was almost 14. Did she love me? Yes. She just wasn't mentally or physically able to take care of her children. No matter what demons she faced, we always knew she loved us. 

I know I have failed as a parent in some ways, but on the eve of Mother's Day, I choose not to focus on that right now. There are people who talk bad about my parenting style. They say I am too permissive and give my child too much. They say I am failing them by being religious. Those people don't matter to me right now. I am me. I will not change who I am because a few people want to talk bad about me behind my back. I am a good mom. I am the mom my kids need right now.