Dreaming of Him

As I was falling asleep, I started dreaming. I was driving down I70 with my sister and daughter. Then we saw Eric’s Toyota driving in the other direction. As we watched it pass, Marleah pointed out the driver. “Hey! Look! It’s Anthony!” It was so startling that it woke me up. 

I miss my brother. 

Emotionally Difficult

When I decided to major in Marriage and Family studies, I didn't think about how it could affect me personally. I only tough about the help I could give others. I'm not sure what kind of classes I though I would take, but I did not realize I would take classes that would bring up emotional issues I have yet to work on. 

At the beginning, I took a class called Family Relations. This was hard because it pointed out exactly how toxic my first marriage was. I learned from the texted book methods of abuse I didn't know existed as I realized that was how I was treated. I had to come to terms with that. As I worked through those emotions, I became more aware of how lucky I was to find Chad when I did. 

A few years ago, I took a parenting class. There was a project in which I was supposed to interview my parents or grandparents as well as a sibling. The week before this was assigned, my grandfather, my last grandparent on this earth, passed away. That meant that I would not be able to acquire two interviews between my parents and grandparents. It highlighted the fact that all of my grandparents and one of my parents were gone. I had no problem interviewing my sister and my dad, but I had to think outside the box and get special permission for the final interview. I was able to get the permission to interview my mother-in-law. 

This semester, I am taking Family Stress and Coping. Every week I read several exerts from various books to learn about ways of coping and models that can be followed when dealing with stress. There have been assignments asking how the readings relate to our family of origin or creation. Most of the time, I sit thinking about how I wish we had these tools growing up or that I had known about them when my children were younger. I worry that I haven't taught my kids the right way to cope with everyday stress as well as the big stressors of life. 

There have been other classes that have been hard, but these are the three that have affected me the most so far. I am sure there will be more. 

Feeling Special

 

I often feel like the awkward invisible person off to the side. I have felt this way most of my life. At church, I wonder if anything I do gets noticed. I am in a ward with a lot of young families. I don't fit that demographic. My children are way past the potty-training, preschool going, going to the park stage. Also, I am not a stay-at-home mom who is available to meet during the day on a whim. I am just me. The mother to two grown children and one in high school. A full-time, work-from-home mom who goes to school part-time online. I don't have the time to socialize as much as I would like because of my commitments and obligations, and when I do have the time, I often forget or back out because of anxiety. 

In the last few days, ladies from church have made me feel special. Sunday, we had Stake Conference, and I went alone. I sat in the chairs set up in the gym almost back to the stage thinking as long as I was out of everyone's way, I was fine. After a few minutes, the Brother and Sister Lewis showed up and sat behind me and talked to me for a bit. Then, Amber Ogden and her daughter, Zoey, sat in front of me and chit-chatted for a bit. That was followed by Kim Shafer sliding in next to me just as things were getting started. I sat there during conference knitting and feeling the love of these ward members who could have sat anywhere in that gym but chose to sit by me. 

Yesterday was the Relief Society activity for the month. They were putting baskets together for ladies in the ward they felt needed a bit of a pick-me-up. I thought about going but had too much homework including a paper due that night. As I sat doing homework with the TV on (it is how I spend time with Chad when I am bogged down with work), there was a knock at the door. Four ladies from the ward who I love talking to when I get the chance were standing there with one of these baskets. It made me feel so special. Of all of the women in the ward, they chose to come visit me and give me a basket of self-care items. 

I have been praying daily for my children. I rarely pray for myself. My Heavenly Father knows me enough to know that I still need to be supported even if I don't ask for it. He sent me that support when I really needed it. He showed me the love that I needed when I didn't even know that was what I needed. I am so thankful for the love and support I have been shown over the last few days. 

Confirmation

I got my test results back already. I got confirmation that I was right about my body. I thought my thyroid was off, and it is. I was told when trying to donate blood that my iron was off, and I had them test it again because my symptoms matched that idea. After about six months of being tested every other month, I was finally not blamed for my thyroid test results. Also, they finally tested my ferritin level instead of just my iron saturation levels. 

My ferritin levels need to be at 12.5 or higher. It was at 12. That is higher than they were getting when I tried to donate blood. I think it is higher because I have been taking over the counter iron supplements and multivitamins that also have iron in them. Apparently, that was not enough though. I was prescribed a stronger supplement.  Hopefully, this will help. 

Ideally, my TSH would be fairly low. This would indicate it was working properly. When the thyroid is not working properly, it creates more TSH to try to kick it into gear. Two months ago, it was registering at about 20. Now, after taking my meds at the same time everyday thanks to a timer on my phone, it is down to 14. This is still way to high. They are increasing my dosage to 200 mcg. 

I am glad that I listened to when I went in this time. My hope is that I will start to feel better in the next couple of weeks. I know my hair will get thinner as it always does when my dosage is increased, but I am willing to live with that if the tradeoff is my body and brain feeling better. 

 I really like the office I go to, but it can be hard to see the right provider when mine is out of the office. (A few months ago, I saw a PA that was more dismissive than any of the others that I have seen at this office.) It may be time to change my primary care to someone else in the office that is actually there more often. 
 

Thyroid Testing

I went in to the doctor's office today for thyroid testing. (That's right, Noel is no the only one that doctor in this house. Who knew?) This is usually not a big issue. I go in, tell them if any of my symptoms have changed, and give them some blood for the lab to check my TSH and free T4 levels. This time was different. 

Today, I saw a different doctor because mine will not be in the office this week. As I was brought back to the room, the medical assistant took my vital and verified my reason for coming in. Then, she started asking me questions as if I was trying to find out if I had hypothyroidism. She asked if I had sensitivity to hot and cold, quickening or slowing of the heart, excessive weight gain or weight loss. I understand that the questions are to determine hypo- or hyperthyroid. I stopped her after the third question. I just told her that I have been dealing with this for almost 25 years. I know the diagnosis. I just need to make sure my meds are tweaked if needed. Once the doctor came in, it was obvious that she knew that was not new to this. She just asked a few questions and sent me to the lab for my blood draw. I am honestly hoping they will raise my dosage. I have been feeling like my thyroid levels have been off for a while. 

The last four or five years have been frustrating with this disorder. I have been accused of being a drug seeker by doctors and pharmacists because I am on a high dosage for my age. This literally a life saving drug. If I don't take my meds, it can cause heart and kidney problems as well as other issues. I do not want to have to take medication everyday for the rest of my life, but I will. I know there is more that I can do to be healthy, but without this, I have no hope. 

Temple Attendance

I have not been going to the temple as much as I would like lately. I love the peace I feel when I am there. It is truly a refuge from the world. 

Ayla the beginning of 2020, I made the goal of going every month. Well, we all know that became impossible when they were all closed in March. I think a part of me has been a bit afraid of making that goal again. What’s to say something won’t cause an almost complete shutdown  of the world again? I can’t let this stop me from doing things and making goals. 

Once a month, the Relief Society does a temple trip. I went a few months ago. I really enjoyed going with friends. (Chad’s work schedule makes it hard for us to go together.) I am hoping to take advantage of this invitation again. My plan is to join them as often as possible. Hopefully, these trips continue so I can have something to help me get there in a regular basis. 

My Hope

I hope that some day people will say this about me. I have failed at things and learned from them. I have doubted myself and still do. Do I quit? For the most part, no. (There are, of course, exceptions to this.) what will I never give up on? My children. My education. My husband. My faith. 

Life is hard. I have lost friends and family members in tragic ways. I have overcome a horrible marriage. I have been mocked and ridiculed for my beliefs. I will not let these things define me. Hopefully, one day I will be seen as a strong resilient woman. 

Made Me Sick

I watch Dr. Phil a couple of days a week. This season, he has had open conversations about controversial subjects most of the time with two or three people on each side of the topic represented on stage. (It kind of feels like Geraldo did in the early 1990s.) Today was not one of those episodes. 

As the show started today, they introduced the topic. They were two families and one child from the Uvalde shooting. (I will not go into detail about which child they were interviewing because that was the part that made me the most angry.) As they showed clips from the upcoming episode, I literally felt sick to my stomach and changed the channel right away. 

This was not the first time they have had survivors and families of victims on this show. It angers me that they would exploit this tragedy for ratings. I would think that a trained mental health professional would have more sense than to have a child who went through the most horrific event of their life relive it in front of the world. 

Am I Nerdy Enough?

 Last night as I was reading and underlining, my husband stated to laugh at me and called me a nerd. He said could tell I was a student and that I always would be. The funny thing is that since most of what I have been reading lately is in PDF form, I rarely highlight, underline, or note pages as I read for school. As I thought back on my reading life, I realized that I have been marking books for a long time. 

When I was in 5th or 6th grade, my favorite book was Just as Long as We're Together by Judy Blume. I read it so many times that it was starting to fall apart. At some point as I was reading, I underlined the parts that I loved the most. That's right. I am THAT girl. 

Do I love reading all of the time? Not really. I do love learning, though. I no longer underline or note fiction, but I will probably always do it in nonfiction, paper copy books. 

I Missed It

I am loving working on the shawl I started last week. I didn't realize how much I missed knitting something simple. It is so nice sitting back and relaxing as I go. I like that I don't have to look at the pattern for every row. I can knit while I read, watch TV, and participate in conference calls. This should get me through the next few weeks at least. I am enjoying the simplicity so much that I may make socks next. I know the knitted on border will be a bit more difficult, but I am excited to work on cables again. I'm glad I picked this pattern and this yarn!

Longer Than Expected

Reading my book is taking longer than expected. The reading required for my classes has been getting more intense each week. When I am done reading that, I am having a hard time convincing myself to read more nonfiction. I will finish this book, though. I will read some of it each day that I don’t need to read for school. I’m ok with taking a bit longer so I can pass my classes. 

New Classes

I signed up for next semester last night. Since I am getting closer to being done, I don't have a lot of choices of classes left. The two classes I will be taking are Family Theories and Dynamics, a 400 level class, and Family and Community Relationships, another 400 level class. 

I am a bit nervous about Family Theories and Dynamics. In the Facebook group I am in for online BYU-I students, it is described as being as intense as Research Methods which was the hardest class I have taken so far. I am hoping that the people who said this were exaggerating the difficulty at least a little, but I have a feeling they weren't. 

I am determined to not fail another class. I have failed and retaken classes along the way. I am not ashamed to admit it. Life circumstances have made it hard to study at times. I am hoping my determination will get me through the last four semesters without having to retake any more classes.  

AC Put Away

Even though they haven't been used in over a month, two of the three window AC units were still in windows. As the temperature dropped, the main part of the house was getting cod as well (those window units are a bit drafty). It was not hard to convince Sean to help me with the one in the kitchen. Once it was out of the window, he carried it to the back porch ,and I brought it in before the snow started. Then, Noel steadied the one in her window while I pulled it out and took it into the hall. The house warmed up quickly. Now, they are safely stored in the garage until next summer. I am thankful for the comfort they provided on the hot days. I will long for the day we need them again. (I like hot days more than cold days.) 

New Knitting Project

 

Yep! I'm starting a new knitting project! Have I finished the mittens yet? Nope. The thumbs intimidate me for some reason. I will finish them when I take the time to sit down and watch the video again. Then, I will do the other mitten without having to watch the videos. (It will go a lot faster then the first one.) Does any of that matter when it comes to starting a new project? No. I can work on more than one thing at a time, and I want to make a shawl. I am excited to be starting this and can't wait until it is done and ready to wear!

Love My Space Heater

Because of my health issues, I get cold very easy, and it hard for me to warm up once I am cold. I have been told by my family that I make the house too hot. This was not an issue last year because I was the only one home most days. This year has been different. The kids are always home, and Noel's room is the first to warm up meaning it is often too warm in there before the rest of the house has the chance to catch up. Also, my room and bathroom are the last rooms to heat up, and the wall that my desk is on seems to be even worse. That all means that I have my space heater going in the morning while I wait for it to warm up outside. I will probably run even longer as it gets colder. 

Inflation is not a new concept

"This present era seems very similar in many ways to those turbulent war years. Today we face many perplexing issues. In addition to significant international political problems, we are experiencing one of the most difficult economic periods we have faced in many decades—the problem of inflation and personal financial management." 

I love reading older talks that are still applicable today. This talk was from 1979. I was a year old, so I don't particularly remember the economic and political temperature of the day. If it was anything like today, I could imagine that the inflation rate and looming recession were not fun at all. This talk gives guideline that, if followed consistently, could help people reach their economic goals. Some of these ideas, such as being more diciplined with our spending, are lessons that I have learned the hard way during my twenties and thirties. I am still working to dig myself out of a few holes because of out of control spending on my part as well as others. 

Jack-o-Lantern

 

Noel designed a jack-o-lantern, and someone else carved it last night. I think it is cute. Of course, all she seems to see are the teeth the fell off. I wish she could see what I see. 

I am Malala: Young Readers Edition

A little over a week ago, I finished I am Malala: Young Readers Edition. I started this book 3 or 4 years ago when I was taking a class about Pakistan. I didn’t finish it because I realized I did not have the right edition. I was supposed to have the regular version. I ended up borrowing the audiobook on the Libby app to make it through the class work, and I am glad I did. The book I read is good, but it does not have the details the original book has. The good thing about both books is that it inspires people to stand up for what the believe in and shows how many freedoms we take advantage of in this country. 

Overall, I would recommend this book to anyone trying to teach middle school students about differences in cultures, the affects of oppression, and resilience. Malala did amazing things at such a young age! 

I Voted Today

 

I have not voted at a polling place since moving here, and I am not ashamed of that. When I moved here, it was considered a rural area. (With all of the growth over the past few years, I am not totally sure that is still true.) When I registered at this address, I was asked if I wanted to vote by mail, and I checked that box because I really didn’t know where I would vote otherwise. 

I can’t say I have voted every year. There were times I missed the deadline because I am a procrastinator. However, I can say I have voted in most elections that I have felt passionate about including in 2020 and this one.

For the most part, I will not tell people who or what I voted for because I don’t feel it is any of their business, and I have received hate from people on both side when I have let it slip. I vote according to my convictions. I study candidates and issues and decide what I feel is best. I refuse to vote party lines because I believe one of the big problems with this country is the predominantly two party system. 

It is important to vote. It is important to follow your heart when doing so. The elections are becoming more and more important. We can’t leave it up to just a few people to determine our fate. 

October Dinners

 Have you ever looked at your dinner menu and thought, “It looks like a bunch of little kids planned most of our dinners!” The youngest person in our house will be 17 next month.