Need to Prioritize

"Your Heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6: 32-33

I have been overwhelmed a lot lately. I have a full time job and go to school part time. I also have a fairly demanding calling in the Church to go along with my divine calling as wife and mother. There have been many time lately that the roles of wife and mother have been so stressful that I struggle to fulfill my other roles in life. I struggle knowing that if I fail in this way or that way it would affect other people. This often leads to me neglecting my own needs to try to make sure others are taken care of. 

How many times have we had the lesson with the rocks at church. You know the one. Start with an empty jar, a pile of big rocks, a pile of small rocks, some sand, and a glass of water. How do we fit it all in the jar? We start with the largest thing, the big rocks. Then we move on to the small rocks, the sand, and finally the water. If we go in the opposite order, we will not fit everything in, and we will make a big mess. 

I need to figure out what my big rocks are and prioritize my time. I think I am spending too much of my time on the smaller priorities. I also need to make sure that I stop making myself the water. 

Getting Ready for Conference

This weekend, is General Conference. That means that we have the privilege of listening to the Lord’s representatives for two days. 

Last conference, in October, I got a journal ready to take notes about my impressions of each talk. I felt more prepared than I ever have and got more out of it. Since then, I have listened to the talks again a few time as well as talks from previous sessions. 

With the April session only two days away, I am going to be getting ready again. I am going to go to Family Dollar to get another journal and decide how I am going to format it again. I will probably do it like I did last time because I liked the outcome. Why change it if it worked for me?

Forgiveness Journey

Yesterday, Chad and I went to the temple. We both thought our appointment was at 4pm, but it was actually at 4:30. That meant that I was able to sit and read scriptures while waiting to do what I was there for. I read Alma 37 and felt a sense of peace as I did so. Then, I read Ether 14 and 15. As I read these chapters, I thought about the battles in my life that lead me away from the Spirit. 

I feel I need to start another forgiveness journey. I did this about 8 or 9 years ago and felt a strong sense of peace as I truly felt I had forgiven the person who had hurt me most. Since then, he has caused more pain in various ways which has brought up some of the bad feeling from the past. I need to resolve these feeling for myself as well as my children. Will we ever have even a glimmer of a friendship again. Probably not. I’m ok with that.  The feelings of animosity are just dragging me down and need to be resolved. 

I’m a Sucker

I am a sucker for a deal. Sometimes, it’s a good thing like buy one get one free on laundry detergent. Sometimes, I regret it. I have paid for subscriptions to three apps that I rarely use because on this impulse. 

In December, I was reading Jeff Galloway’s book and felt ready to start running again. I downloaded his app and got started. The problem is I hate the cold and don’t go to the gym often enough, so it doesn’t get used as much as it should especially with the BOLDERBoulder in 62 days. I know I need to just jump back in to running, but it’s hard even with an app that helps me run the way I want to run. (Hopefully, this will change real soon.)

In January, MyFitnessPal had a deal in a year of the Premium subscription. My intermittent fasting app free trial was ending, so I signed up for that feature and to be able to scan my foods. I haven’t used it for about the last mont. I got out of the habit when I went to my dad’s and have had a hard time getting back to tracking.  

Most recently, I get an email from my credit card company saying I could be eligible for 3 free months of the Door Dash Pass all I had to do was connect my card to the account. We prefer it over Grub Hub, so I tried it. Apparently, this is only for new subscribers, not returning. (I really should have learned my lesson on this one by now.) Really, if we didn’t get Grub Hub free, we would be paying for this pass. I don’t like the idea of paying for something we already (kind of) get for free. 

One of these days I may stop subscribing to stuff I won’t actually use. Today is not that day. 

He Lives

Last night, the missionaries came for dinner. They talked with Sean about video games, movies, and books. Then, they gave a lesson about Easter and asked what the resurrection of Christ meant for us. I feel it necessary to share on my blog. 

Christ’s resurrection means that God loved me enough to send His son, my brother, to this world to suffer and die for me. It means that He is powerful enough to break the bonds of death. It means all things are possible through Him. It gives me hope for the future. Because He died and was resurrected, I will see my mom and brother again. I love my Savior. I am thankful that he went through the worst so I can have the best. 

The Closer I Get

The closer I get to being done with my degree, the harder it is to concentrate on the work. I want the work to be easier, but that is not the reality of school. It keeps getting harder. That doesn't mean that I am going to give up. It just means that I have try harder to concentrate and pay more attention to what I am reading and watching for my assignments. 

There have been times this semester that I feel like I am going to break. I am in the middle of one of those moments. One of my classes requires things that are not normally required for undergrad students like grant writing. It also requires me stepping out of my comfort zone. It has tried me more than any other class. I am working so hard for this class and hope that I will make it out of this class with at least a C so that I don't have to take it again. I have only a few weeks left and am honestly worried that I will have to take it again. If by some miracle I pass both of my classes this semester, I will be graduating this time next year. If I don't, I may have to go one more semester than planned yet again. 

I really want to finish this degree. I have worked hard on it since September 2015. It has been a long road. I have gained a lot of knowledge as well as humility. I truly believe that the more we learn, the less we realize we know. I have no plans to continue on to a Masters program at this time. That may change in the future. For now, I just want to be done. 

New True Crime Show

Today, I watched a new Hulu show called Lessons of Murder in which a former FBI agent who now teaches a graduate program at the University of South Florida and her students analyze murders to see if they can figure out why they are killers as they profile them. They do this by interviewing family and friends of the victim(s) and the murderer when possible and looking into their past. Then, they interview the murderer. It is interesting to see the similarities in each person as well as the differences. When they interview the murderers, it is a bit eerie. In the first episode, he reveals one more victim as he claims that he did what was best for her because she was close to death anyway. The second guy continually declared his innocence even though there was enough evidence to put him on death row. The third episode featured a female serial killer (something very rare). When she was interviewed, she basically blamed the other people involved and gave a different timeline than anyone else. Also, I remember seeing her a few years ago on an HLN series about women in prisons. Back then, I felt sorry for her. I didn't really feel that way after listening to her actual crimes and history. 

I would highly recommend this show for anyone who likes true crime. It can be a bit disturbing, but it does not go into as much detail as some other shows. Also, the crimes are not being described in a way that shows how they figured out who committed the crime. We already know that. They are getting into his head and pointing out that these are not traits of most people in the world. 

Real Appeal Meetings

In January, I joined a weight loss group called Real Appeal. It was working great the first month, but I have slipped considerably since my anniversary dinner. Partly because I had to be off a bit with what I was doing that night, partly because it was followed by other celebrations and the trip, and partly because I had gotten to a point that I felt a bit out of control when it came to eating. I am currently in the process of going through past lessons (they are all available in a "library" on the app) to get back on track. I really think that if I follow the advice, I can lose weight and keep it off. 

For this group, I have signed up for weekly meetings where our coach goes through the lesson for the week, asks the group questions about how they are doing with their weekly goals, and gives tips for continued success. We are encouraged to interact in the chat as our coach goes through the lesson. There are a few people in my group that give answers that make them appear to be more than perfect. It makes me wonder why they are participating in something like this. For example, last week we discussed junk food substitutes, so our follow up question was how much of our food for the past week. I sat there thinking, "Since we went out to eat a few times, probably 50%." I know that is a high estimate and most likely wrong. I didn't respond in the chat because the first person to answer said 5%. How the heck is that even possible? Aren't we all overweight? Later, as she went through this week's discussion, she asked what we do while working to try to be more active. There were answers that sounded realistic like using a standing desk or taking walks on breaks. Then, there was that one guy that said he always takes the stairs. He even went as far as to tell us there are 53 stairs. When asked how we can be more active when watching tv, he started throwing out kettlebell exercises. Does anyone really do this? No elevator? Always working out while not working? Doing squats while brushing their teeth? If this is what fit people are doing, I will never be smaller and fitter. It is almost demotivating for this guy to comment. He makes everything seem unattainable 

Weight Loss Bet

Earlier this year, I was in two weight loss contests. I had one with my best friend that was to end at the end of January and one with Chad that was to end March 17. Both contests fizzled out. We all had different reasons and didn’t lose enough to do anything about it. Chad and I weighed ourselves today and had both gained since the beginning of the year. I gained less and will get a prize, but it feels tainted. I didn’t really earn it. 

Today, Chad and I decided we will start a new contest that  won’t last as long. Maybe if we have only have a short time before one of us gets a reward, we will work on it harder. The plan is that we will start tomorrow (my payday) and go until April 7 (my next payday). I know the odds are stacked against me medically, but I think I can do it. Wish me luck!

The Parallels are Astonishing

This morning, I was listening to Alma 48, and I was stunned at the similarities between what was happening then (about 72 B.C.) and now. Amalickiah had been given the reigns to rule over Lamanites and was now seeking for more power. He caused them to grow even more angry at the Nephites. At this point, "he having accomplished his design thus far, yea, having been made king over the Lamanites, he sought also to reign over all of the land, yea, and all of the people who were in the land, the Nephites  as well as the Lamanites." Then, they go into battle against the Nephites.   

As I listened to this, I thought about modern politics. Men and women fight for positions of power. They take these positions they desire as they are appointed. Then, they strive to find a way to not be subjected to the other political party. There have been times that I have been fear of the political parties literally taking up arms against each other. Even those with good intentions are lead in directions they had not imagined. 

We can fight against those trying to lead us astray. We can be like Captain Moroni and his army. We can "labor exceedingly for the welfare and safety of [the] people." How do we do this? Verses 15 and 16 say: 

And this was their faith, that by so doing so God would prosper them in the land, or in other words, if they were faithful in keeping the commandments of God that he would prosper them in the land: yea, warn them to flee, or to prepare them for war, according to their danger;

And also, that God would make it known unto them whither they should go to defend themselves against their enemies, and by so doing, the Lord would deliver them..in keeping the commandments of God, yea, and resisting iniquity.

As we fight for the our freedoms and the freedoms of others, it is important that we do so as directed by the Lord. When we keep our covenants, we can be lead to act as God would have us act: with compassion, determination, kindness, and firmness in our convictions. We can be the army of God.  

Walking for Veterans

 

I singed up to walk 30 miles in April as I fundraise for an organization trying to end veteran suicide. I have already started the fundraiser on Facebook, and two people have donated so far. I am hoping to raise $200. 

As I get ready for this April goal, I have been take Sophie on walks. She LOVES it! We only walk a bit over a mile per day because she is a senior dog, and I don't want to do too much for her. The thing  is, I think she could make it further most days. When we get home, she tried to play with the other dogs and runs around the backyard. I can tell she will do great with this challenge. If she acts like she needs a rest day, I will give it to her. So far, she doesn't seem to want it, though. 

I hope to be able to reach both my fundraising goal and mileage goal by the end of April. I know I can do the walking. I hope my friends and family will step up and help me donate the additional $120 as well. 

Tiny Hats

For one of my classes this semester, I needed to do 8 hours of service. This was hard for me because I had to get out of my comfort zone. I talked to the police captain of my town, and he suggested volunteering for the local victims' advocate agency. I looked at their website because I have thought about doing this anyway, but I would not have the time to work for them because it requires 12 hour shifts and a 12 month commitment once the training is complete. I may look further into it when I get closer to my internship, but this was not something I could do with my current schedule. I kept searching and even reached out to a local shelter with not response. With only a few weeks to go, I felt like I was running out of options (there is really not much available in my area). Then, I saw a post on Facebook in one of my crocheting groups that talked about Project Robby. This organization gives donated crocheted hat, blankets, and angel wings to babies born sleeping. It was created by a lady who had a baby born sleeping that was given a little hat about his size and kept it as a security item to remind her of him. As soon as I read her story, I wanted to do what I could to help. I sent an email right away to see what she needed and how I could help. Now, I am sitting making the smallest hats I have ever made, thinking about the mamas who don't get to bring these sweet babies home. It makes me sad that they have to face this difficult challenge, and I hope that they can be comforted, even if it is just a little bit, by the tiny hat she is given.  

The Shirt

 When you have been raised by a dad who emphasized that your family was “Orange Irish,” you embrace it as an adult. It may have taken me 44 years to embrace my heritage, but I’m doing it. (Side note: I think I am enjoying holidays my own way more often the longer I work from home.)

Religious Freedom

 

I was raised to respect the beliefs of others even if they did not believe as I did. My dad was raised Methodist, and we went to my grandparent's church when we visited them. When I lived in Indiana, there were very few of us at school that belonged to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Even after moving to Colorado, I didn't ever feel that religion determined rather someone was a "good person." 

Many things changed with I became an adult. I have worked with people of all faiths without a thought of it affected how I felt about them until one day I was told by someone that I worked with told me she could no longer speak to me because of my religion. A few years later, I was challenged on my personal beliefs because they were shaped by my status as a Christian. I have also had someone tell me that they disowned parts of their family because they refused to bend on their beliefs. I have also been attacked on social media due to my beliefs. 

Over the past few years, Christianity has been heavily scrutinized. We are mocked and heavily scrutinized. Are all Christians "good people?' Of course not. Does that make all Christians "bad?" Also, no. Assuming you know someone because of the God they choose to worship is wrong. We should love others regardless of who or what they worship. 

In his General Conference talk in April 2022, Elder Ronald A. Rasband said religious freedom is the "freedom to worship in all its configurations: freedom of assembly, freedom of speech, freedom to act on personal beliefs, and freedom for others to do the same. Religious freedom allows each of us to decide for ourselves what we believe, how we live and act according to our faith, and what God expects of us." He goes on to summarize the persecutions the early members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints experienced. They were ran out of many areas, had extermination orders against them, and more. However, they didn't give up. They kept moving on hoping to one day have the freedom to worship as they felt was right. 

Religious freedom does not mean we need to eradicate religion. It means we should accept all points of view and allow each other to worship "how, where, or what they may."

Feeling God's Love

Last night, I was able to sit back and read for a while. (Time that is hard to find most days.) My book of choice lately has been Matthew Perry's Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing. In the interlude after chapter 6, he describes a moment after praying in which he felt encompassed with the love of God. This experience helped him stay sober for 2 years and has helped him in times since according to the book. 

I loved reading this. I feel that people do not talk about their spiritual experiences often enough. If we talked about it more, it could help others feel God’s love. We don’t have to be encircled with light as Matthew Perry describes. It can be something as simple as a friend checking on us when there was no way they could have know we were struggling or the wonderful feeling we get as we walk though nature. 

Elder Michael T. Ringwood said, “…Heavenly Father has a personal plan of happiness for each of us. Because God sent His Beloved Son for us, the miracles we need will ‘[fall] on [the very] day’ necessary for His plan to be fulfilled.”

Blue Skies

Today is a beautiful day! After work, Sophie and I went for a walk in perfect weather. The sun was out, and the temperature was just right. I love that have a work schedule that allows me to enjoy an afternoon like this!

That Last Sock

The problem with knitting a bunch of socks is that eventually you are tired of knitting them and need a change. This inevitably happens half way through the last sock of a pair. 

Over the past 4 or 5 months I have knit 3 pair of socks for me and 2 pair for Noel. I had fun making most of them. (Noel’s gray pair were a bit plain and boring.) I have also knit one and a half socks for a pair that I really want. The problem is that I have so many other things that I want to knit or crochet that I am struggling to make this last sock. 

I know I will finish this sock. I will hopefully finish it this week. It is just hard to make myself do it when I am ready to move on. 

Embracing My Heritage

When I was growing up, my dad would wear a bright orange (think traffic cone) zipper hoodie every St. Patrick's Day. He would insist that this was the right color because our family was "Orange Irish." The only thing that I understood about this was that there was some kind of dispute between them and the "Green Irish," but I did not really understand because I didn't really care to know for some reason. I was just embarrassed that my dad would wear that jacket and refuse to wear green. 

About 20 years later, I had a friend at church that embraced his Irish heritage and was wearing a tie that reflected that around St. Patrick's Day. Once, he asked me why I wasn't wearing green, and all I could say was that my dad had taught me that I was "Orange Irish," so the green didn't matter as much. His response was that I must have Irish heritage if I even knew about that because most people haven't delved into history enough to even mention it. I miss that friend. He was a great man. His wife if one of my best friends, and I know she would love me to do something because of my memories of him. 

Last weekend, I asked my dad what being a proud "Orange Irish" meant. He explained the religious persecution our ancestors endured which lead them to Scotland then to America. There is a proud religious heritage in my family that I want to represent. 

Tonight, I did a search on Amazon for an "Orange Irish" shirt. I was shocked that there were several to choose from. I ordered an orange t-shirt with a shamrock that has both the Irish and Scottish flag in it. It should be delivered Thursday, and I will proudly wear it to represent my family and the hardships they endured.  

Ready to be Done

I so badly want to be done with school at this point. Between my associates degree and working on my bachelors degree, I have been in school since 2009 for the most part. The last year has been intense, too. I know the classes should be getting harder, but I am getting burnt out. There was a time I thought I would get a masters as well, but I can’t see myself doing that now. Instead, I am going to put effort into finishing my degree and finding a job in which I can use my experience in accounting and my education in marriage and family studies. Only 3 semesters after this one including my internship. I can do this. I didn’t get this far to only get this far.

Secrets Revealed

Every so often, my dad tells me things about my mom that were previously kept secret from my sister and me. For example, I did not know her mental health diagnosis until about 10 years ago. I only knew she was in an out of the hospital. I think he keeps things from me to try to protect me in a way. The thing is that I think it would have been easier to have known because I have done a lot of work to help me live with the complicated relationship I had with my mom as well as the feelings I have faced because of her sudden death.

While visiting my dad this last weekend, we had some intense conversations. One of these conversations was about the accident that killed my mom and brother. I was told after it happened that they were both asleep when it happened and had died on impact. I was under the impression that the car hit the guardrail head on essentially impaling my mom and sending Anthony out the rear window. I learned that this was not what happened. My dad apparently ordered a copy of and read the accident report. 

The first thing I learned was that the car hit the guardrail on the side at about the passenger door, where my mom was sitting, which is probably how she was injured. The problem is that she did not die instantly. She bled out. I used to have nightmares of Anthony lying in a ditch crying for someone to find him. As it turns out, there is a possibility that my mom was in pain as she died (something she often said she was scared would happen). 

The other thing that I learned was that there was a possibility that Anthony woke up and saw that the car was going off of the road and tried to recover it. My dad believes this because the accident report indicated that the car spun out. If the car spun out, he could not have been ejected the way he was. 

I have been trying to process this information for the last five days. Each day has been more difficult. I have been able stay busy each evening so far this week. It helps a bit, but I need to find a way to come to terms with the idea that they may have both suffered before they died.