October 15

Sean was baptized by his Grandpa Crumpley (he is the expert, you know).

I was so proud of him for making this decision.

Eric's Favorite Tradition

When going through the mound of paper in Eric's backpack, I came across and assignment he had done about his favorite tradition. As in the past, I am going to copy exactly what he wrote including punctuation.

My favorite tradition is when we eat chicken on the 4th of July. It was my mom's idea. We usually get KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken). On the side, we get macoroni. My brother, Sean, is always dejected and thinks we should get McDonald's. But then I say, "So what?: Anyway, back to the tradition. My favorite part of the tradition is that the chicken is delicious. It's so delicious, I always crave it! Whenever July 4th comes around, I feel triumphant inside, because that's the day I can eat the best chicken in the world! As you may have noticed, I love to eat chicken on the 4th of July.

 

Lost Dog

Our dog, Lexie, ran off on Friday. She is a sweet dog. My poor boy misses her so much!  I hope we can find her soon.

Where Did I Go Wrong?

I don't know what is wrong with me today. I know I have a pretty good life. I have good kids, a job, and I am starting back at school on Monday. The thing is, I feel really depressed today. I keep thinking of the things that have gone wrong in my life.

I never wanted to be a single mom, and I didn't get married to get divorced. I got married when I was 20, and we were sealed in the temple a year and a half later. I lived a very strict lifestyle for most of my marriage. No matter what I did or didn't do, I was never good enough. I didn't clean the house well. I didn't take care of the kids properly. I had medical issues that made it hard to get pregnant. I didn't do anything like his mom in the beginning. Then, I was too much like his mom. I wasn't religious enough. Then, I was too religious. I had gotten to the point that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was one person at work, another at home, and another at church. What it all boiled down to was he cheated on me several times and finally left me for someone else.

I try to be a good mom. I have people tell me that I am. Most people that have babysat my kids tell me they are good kids. The problem is that I can't keep them in bed, get them to eat most of my cooking, or do their homework with out a struggle.

I feel like Eric's teacher blames me when he doesn't do his school work. I do make sure he gets his homework done most of the time. When he comes home with unfinished work from the last month it frustrates me. This kid spends most of his day in school, misses his only 15 or 20 minute recess most of the time, and I have to try to keep him engaged for one or two hours when he gets home. She has him call me and tell me the work he needs to complete, and today he didn't even have that work at home for me to help him. I want to be a good mom, but how can I when my almost 10 year old doesn't even bring home the work.

Noel is very clingy lately. I don't totally know why. I know she doesn't like that I have to work so much, but that is not something that is going to change. Without another income, I have to work as much as possible. It seems to be worse for the first few nights after she spends the weekend with her dad. I wish there was something I could do that would help her, but nothing I do works.
Sean is a sweet boy. I do feel lucky that he has adjusted to change well. I wish he didn't try to follow his brother's lead so much. I need to find a way to teach him that he is special just because he is Sean, not because he is Eric's little brother.

My job is a job. Some days it is ok. Other days it sucks. I should probably get a new job, but lately I lack the motivation to apply to more jobs. I had an interview in April that I felt really good about, but I got turned down for the job. That was the fourth or fifth interview that didn't work out. I was so discouraged that I decided not to even try for a while. Now, I just don't feel like I have the time.

My life is not how I thought it would be at 33, and not how I want it to be by the time I am 34. I do like my life most of the time. I just have days where I look at my circumstances and feel depressed. I want more out of life. I want to be a man to put his arms around me and tell me he loves me. I want to have a job that makes a difference. I can't even call my mom to vent. My sister and dad are great, but sometimes I just want my mom.

It's Thursday...Update Time!

I have been doing better at getting my work outs in. Having that jar on the counter to track my time working out helps with the motivation a lot! I have decided that I am going to do a girls night at my house when the jar is filled. I am going to get the Wii out and have everyone bring snacks and just have fun. I am happy to announce that I get to go to Walmart and buy some pretty yarn this weekend! I haven't lost any weight, but I am hoping that is soon to follow.

My house is cleanish most of the time. I think I am just going to keep doing my best rather than make a specific goal. I have been so busy cleaning up after mice, that I can't even think about one specific room cleaned and vacuumed every day (not that I am not cleaning my house).

I am going back to Everest Online University. I started the process yesterday, and if everything goes well, I will be starting classes on October 17. I will be finishing up my Associates in Business for now and go from there. I need to make a better life for me and my kids. I want to be the example they deserve. I want to be happy in my career.

I'm In Love!

The screen saver on my computer cycles though my pictures.  Every time I look at it I see my beautiful children as they grow up. I am so lucky to be their mom!

Sean Is 8

I keep telling him he is not allowed to have birthdays. Here he is being disobedient!

Getting It Together

So maybe I keep failing because I don't have enough to look forward to. I know am working towards 3 rewards for my exercise/weight goals (other than the actual weight loss). I keep coming up with more ideas. A few nights ago, I thought, "Why limit myself to the reward I want this week? I'm going to add in my other rewards from weeks past." I have decided that I am going to get some pretty cotton yarn if I can work out at least 3 times in a week for at least 30 minutes. I am going to get my hair done when I get down to 165. I also got out a jar and some macaroni noodles to earn another goal. I am putting one macaroni noodle in the jar for every 5 minutes that I exercise. When that jar is full, I am going to have a party. Most likely a girls night type thing. I am hoping that all of these things help. I really need to get off my lazy bum and stop talking about it. I seem to do decently on my days off, but the days I work are a challenge.

My house is getting cleaner and cleaner. I haven't seen a mouse in a bit, but I know they are still around. I'm going to keep up with the poison as well as get more. I am getting better at keeping up with the laundry, and my living room is looking great.

I get worn out with everything that has to be done, but I know that it will be worth it in the end. I love my kids. They deserve me to be the best I can be. They deserve a clean house. They deserve everything I can give them.

Good Day

Today, after picking up

from

,I had a

 

with

.

We went to

and picked lots of

 !
I love

!

Happy 60, Dad!

  

...and he thought we would for get such an important day.

Side Tracked

I haven't hit much in the way of goals this week. I have been so sidetracked by my mouse problem, I have not thought about any other cleaning. I have gotten cleaning accomplished, but I haven't concentrated on the living room specifically. I have cleaned my pantry and done my best to keep the crumbs and food off of the kitchen counter. At least my kitchen is clean...

Exercise has been an up and down thing. I need something to motivate me. Some how my waist line just isn't enough to motivate me. I know I need to lose to be healthy. I want to be healthy. I want to fit back into my clothes that I love.

Speaking of healthy, I went to the doctor yesterday for a regular thyroid check. I decided I don't like their scale. It adds about 10 pounds compared to my home scale. I also am going to have to start taking yet one more medication. I started it last night  and feel sick to my stomach today. I hate the side effects. I am hoping it will fix the problem though. Time will tell.

EEK!

I don't need to have the weather change for me to know it is fall. I get mice in my house to remind me. In the past, there was a cat in my house to kill vile things. This year, however, I have no cat (she moved out in January with her owner). With no cat in the house, the mice are worse this year than in the past. I have nest in my closet. It has made me scared to go into the closet because, well, they scare me. Last week, when getting something out of my pantry, a mouse saw me and ran back down the shelves and freaked me out. My solution to that, I spent 4 hours cleaning out the pantry and getting rid of the food they had gotten into. I now have nothing in the pantry that the mice can get into. I, also,  got some poison and put it next to the nest. So far, I have found 3 dead mice and threw them  away in the trash where they belong. I have seen a few more scurrying away, and I will get them, too. My plan this weekend while my kids are with their dad and after I get off work is to pull everything out of my closet and see what in there needs to be thrown out and get it vacuumed and the walls scrubbed. The nest will be gone! I am not going to let them win! This is my home!

I Must Exercise!

I am having a hard time motivating myself to exercise lately. I started a new program on my Biggest Loser game. I hope to be able to complete it this time. My goal is to get down to 165 pound in the next 4 weeks. That is only 6 pounds to lose. I can do this! I have done it in the past. When I hit this goal, I am going to get my hair done. Yep that is right. I am going to make myself pretty again.

Life Keeps Going

Last week was a hectic week for me. I decided to go back to school. The anniversary of my mom's and brother's accident passed. My boyfriend broke up with me. My ex-husband was being, well, himself (ugh).

After learning that the company that I work for has acquired more companies and they are expected to grow a lot in the next five or six years, I decided to go back to school to get an IT degree. I was going to take this semester off, but after talking it out with a few people, I decided to get back as soon as possible. I researched several schools, and decided on one that I felt would fit my needs the best. I feel good about this decision. I will write more on that when everything is started. Right now I am still working on the paper work to try to get an exception with financial aide because my income this year is far less than it was last year when my ex-husband was still in the picture.

August 30, 1996 is a day that will forever be in my mind. On that day my family was basically cut in half by a tragic accident. My mom's roommate was driving. She fell asleep at the wheel and hit a guard rail. My mom and brother, who were asleep at the time, were killed instantly. I still have days that I want to cuddle up to my mom or feel the protection of my big brother. This year marked the 15 year anniversary of that tragic accident. It is true that time does heal wounds, but not completely.  It doesn't sting as much, but there are days that it does still sting.

I am only going to touch on this real quick because it was part of my week. I am not going to dwell on it though. My boyfriend broke up with me last week as well. I have to admit I saw it coming. I am not really angry about it. I just wasn't a fan of the manner of the break up or the day that it happened.

I am, also, not going to go a lot into the manner of my ex-husband. He still tries to control me in some ways. He makes me think that he is going to take the kids away. I just have to remind myself that he is my ex for a reason. Not just because he didn't want to be married to me anymore. I needed to not be married to him anymore.

When it came to goals, I didn't really accomplish any of them. I did lose weight, but not by exercising. By the end of the week, my living room was clean. In fact, I cleaned it more than I have ever cleaned it. I moved furniture. I even shampooed the carpet (thanks to the extended lend of a capet cleaner from my friend). It took me about 3 hours to accomplish it all, but it is done and looking great! I got the dining room almost as clean, too. It is amazing what I can get done when I am bored!  I will get back on track this week, hopefully.

Getting Better

I am happy to announce that even though I have yet to reach my goals, and yet to earn a prize, I am getting better. My living room is cleaner more often, and I have worked out more in the past week than I did the previous week.

When it comes to my living room, there were only a few days that I didn't get it clean (I wish I could say it was only days that I was working). Since my living room/dining room area are the rooms that people see when they first come into my house, I want them as clean as possible as often as possible. Even though I have yet to reach my living room goal, I am adding the dining room to it for that reason. My goal this week is to have the living room and dining room cleaned and vacuumed at least once a day. I really want to get that painting hung, so I think I will accomplish it this time.

As far as working out goes, I used the broken part for the Wii as an excuse to not work out at all. Tuesday night I stopped using it as an excuse and pulled out one of my exercise videos finally started working out again. That night I told myself that I was not aloud to have soda the next day unless I got some exercise in first. The next morning I got out another video and did a work out after dropping the boys off at school. Today, I made the same rule for myself. I walked the boys to school and walked to and from the gas station before I aloud myself a soda. The threat of cutting off my soda seems to get me into gear. I am going to have the goal of working out at least 3 days this week again. If I do that, I will get some pretty yarn.

I know that I can do this. I am feeling a bit more motivated now that the kids are back in school.

And the Lazy Award Goes To...Me

I don't know what is wrong with me. I just can't reach my goals lately.  I am going to start over today. This time I will accomplish...something at least.

For my cleaning goal this week, I am going to keep the same goal. I am going to pick up and vacuum the living room everyday. I need a better reward though. I am going to reward myself with hanging my new painting that I got for my birthday. (I can't get my pics to work on here lately, but the pic of the painting is on my facebook page.)

For my weight loss goal, I am not going to concentrate on my weight as much as my habits. I am going to work out at least 3 days this week. If I can do that, I will get some pretty cotton yarn.

Wish me luck!

Goal Update

I did great on my goals for the first few days. It is really hard for me to get back into the swing of things for some reason.  I really want to get my life in order. My kids need to learn good habits. They will learn a lot of their habits from me since I am the parent they are around the most. I have got to step up my game and stop being so lazy. I am going to restart my goals tonight. I can do this. I will check in next week. Maybe if I keep in mind that others, no matter how few, are checking in on my progress, I would accomplish my goals.  I am going to place my orange goal folder somewhere that it is more visible to remind me to get the daily stuff done.
My main cleaning goal for this week is to have my living room and vacuumed everyday. My reward will be finally taking down all of my pictures and rearranging them in a way that my ex-husband is less of a presence in my home (I know it is lazy pathetic that I haven't done this yet).
My weight goal for this week is to get down to 170 by next Thursday.

A Random Act of Kindness

I have been driving on a doughnut for about 2 or 3 weeks because I had a bald tire that picked up a few nails and a tack. I would rather have gotten a new tire, but with how much we get sent home due to low call volume, I just couldn't. I made a comment yesterday to the guy I sit next to, who I have only been working with for a few months, about not being able to speed to work due to the gimpy tire. He asked if it was the same tire from a few weeks ago. I told him it was. Then we logged into our computers and started taking calls. I didn't really think much about the interaction we had just had. It was just idle chit chat. About an hour later he gives me a note that says if I give him the tire he would get it fixed for me the next day.  I was shocked! The last time I had a flat tire, I drove on the doughnut for about 2 months until people from church found out and took care of it for me. When I went on my last break, he followed me out to my van and took the tire out of my trunk. Tonight, during our break, he followed me out to my car again and put the tire back in the trunk. It was a totally different tire. He said it was a used tire that he got for only about $20, but I was shocked that he did that for me. He said that it was not a big deal, and that he would be a jerk if he didn't help me because I have 3 kids that ride in that van as well. It is a big deal to me. People don't usually do this kind of stuff for me. I am going to have to have someone help me change the tire still, but I can do that easier than I could get the tire. I am so glad that there are people out there that are willing to go out of their way to help.

Feeling Guilty

I am feeling like I am sending my kids to whoever will take them this weekend. According to the parenting agreement I have with their dad, I have them this weekend. I have to work on the weekends though.  Yesterday, my regular babysitter watched them until I got home around 7pm. I, then, had only about an hour to an hour and a half before they went to bed (yes, I am one of those mean parents that make my kids go to bed when it is still light out in the summer). This morning, they got to watch one cartoon before they had to get dressed, packed, and off to my sister's. I had to drop them off early enough for me to be to work by 9am. They are spending the night at her place tonight because it is easier for her than me dropping the kids off at 6am tomorrow so that I could be at work by 7am. Tomorrow, I work a split. I will be with my kids for church and a little while after. Then, they will be going to another babysitter's until I get off (I am scheduled until 9:30pm, but my be sent home earlier if the call volume is low). Monday, my regular babysitter will be back, and there is a chance I won't get home until bedtime.  I hate this. As school gets closer and closer, I am realizing how little I will see my kids once they go back and I start classes.

I know that I need to work, and I need to go to school to support my kids now and in the future. I want to be a good example for my kids. I want them to understand that having an education and willingness to work is important. I want them to know that I love them and will do whatever I need to do to give them a future. Knowing all of this stuff in my head doesn't make me feel less guilty when they ask me when I can do something with them or why they have to have a babysitter.

Goals...Here I Go Again

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I want my life to be.  I want a clean house. I want to get down to 145 pounds at least. I want my kids to know that I am the boss. (I know good luck on that one.) I want to get a degree so that I can make a future for my kids and me. Since I haven't been able to get to sleep lately, I decided last night to make some small goals to help me achieve a few of my bigger goals.  I am also working on some with a friend of mine and her mom in a contest where the loser does a small act of service for the winner. I put these goals on paper and found a nice folder dedicated to goals.  It is a bright orange folder sitting on my desk (if that doesn't remind me to do them, I don't know what will). I have, also, decided to report my progress on my blog to make me more accountable for my goals (it worked a few years ago).

My first big goal is to have a cleaner house (it is cleaner than it was a year ago, but still not clean enough). What I have done to help me accomplish this is I made a morning and night to do list. Each list has four things on them that I need to get done daily. They aren't big, but they are a start and with the way I am, I will most likely do more than what is on these lists. I will be happy to get them done however. I am going to reward myself in some way. I just haven't decided on the reward yet.

The other big goal that I am going to work on is weight loss. I know I say this a lot. I have a few motivating factors right now. First of all, I can no longer wear the clothes that I was so excited to fit back into a few months ago. I know this is my fault. My habit have slipped recently. I need to get back to portion control and exercising.  My other motivating factor is that my boyfriend is working very hard at losing with this goal. (Yes, I admit it, I am more motivating when people around me work on the same goal.  I'm sure I am not the only one.) To accomplish this goal I am doing a few things. My friend and I have two goals in our contest that will help, exercise and eating veggies. I have also made of goal of having only one Dr. Pepper a day. I know I should cut it out completely, but I can't do that right now. I am going to have to slowly wean myself of the stuff.

When I reported weekly before I was reporting on Mondays because that was what was most convenient at the time. I will try to report on Thursdays this time because that will be the end of my "weekend."