Project 50 - Day 10

It's hard to believe I am this far into the challenge. There are days than harder than others. Monday started off great. I got almost everything done before Eric came to dinner. However, I never got the exercise in because he stayed so late. Honestly, I would rather spend time with him since he only comes over about once a month. The good news is that my eating was better than it's been. I had apples with breakfast and lunch, and for dinner Chad made tater tot casserole with green beans and orange slices on the side. It was probably one of the best meals we've had since all of his health problems started earlier this year. I am still reading the wonderful Eleanor Roosevelt's autobiography and learning so much about her and details about history I wouldn't know any other way. I'm going to feel so lost when I finish it. My crochet has gotten harder. I feel like I'm having to pull out and redo a lot, but I guess that's the point of learning a new skill even when it is building of an old one. My morning routine is still going well. I don't see than changing any time soon. I love spending my mornings praying, reading my scriptures, and soon my journal. It is a quiet time I get to reflect on my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the direction they would like me to take my life. Even though Monday wasn't as successful as I would liked, it was a good day. Next time Eric is supposed to come over, I will get everything done before he gets here.

Project 50 - Day 9

 Yesterday was hard but good in the end. I fasted 2 meals, so what I ate came down to dinner. For dinner, Chad made macaroni and cheese with tuna in it and  some zucchini cooked in butter and herbs. Then, we had ice cream for dessert. My crochet project threw me off for a while. The first row I tried, I figured out my count was off when I was almost to the end. I had to take out most of the row to correct the mistake. I put it to the side for a few hours and watched the Broncos game instead. After dinner, I got up the nerve to try the row again. This time I got it right. The next row gave me similar problems. It was harder to figure out where the mistake was, but I got it figured out and powered through to the end of the row. Because of these issues, it took longer than an hour to get through those rows. Then, I happily read my 10 pages in Eleanor Roosevelt's autobiography about her work in the Human Rights Commission. She was such a fascinating woman! I can't believe I have less than 2 weeks left of reading about her. For my exercise, I walked around the living room and kitchen for an hour. I wish that messing up on my crochet project hadn't thrown me off so bad, but I'm glad I showed myself that I can move past such things and still accomplish my goals. 

Project 50 - Day 8

Yesterday wasn't too bad. I finished my morning routine and was able to do the reading and journaling at the table which is a rare treat. For exercise, Chad and I walked to the ballot box at the town center which is about a 30-minute walk each way. It felt so good to be out in the cool fall air. I need to remember that feeling and get out more often for walks. My eating was both good and bad. I had leftover pizza and an apple for breakfast, chicken noodle soup with an apple and crackers for lunch, and homemade Jack-O-Lantern pizza for dinner with ice cream for dessert. I easily got through my nonfiction book. I read about Eleanor Roosevelt's experience as a delegate in the first UN assembly. I did my mosaic crochet after dinner as a wind-down activity while Sean and Chad did the dishes. It was a good way to end the day. I would have to say that I am enjoying this challenge even on days in which I drag my feet to finish all of the tasks. It's giving me the sense of accomplishment that I so badly need right now. 

Project 50 - Day 7

 Yesterday was a bit hard, but I accomplished my goals. The morning routine as always was the easiest part. I love spending my mornings growing closer to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ through prayer and scripture study. My eating wasn't great but also wasn't horrible. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast with some homemade apple cider donuts, leftover chicken taco for lunch, and pizza for dinner with various snacks intermingled. Getting exercise and crochet done was more difficult. I spent a while talking to Chad and crashing out because of some things my sister said. By the time I calmed down, Sean was done making dinner. Then, I had only a few hours to read, exercise, and crochet before bed. Of course, I wa going to make sure I read at least 10 pages in Eleanor Roosevelt's autobiography. There was no way I was putting that off. I tried to tell myself it would be ok if I missed either exercise or crochet for one day, but I knew I wouldn't be happy if I did that. Instead, I decided to crochet while walking in place for an hour. It worked better than I thought it would. By the time the hour was up, I was more than halfway through the third row of the day and decided to sit down and finish that row. I'm glad I didn't give up on myself and and found a way to accomplish my goals. I already have a good start on today, so I have no excuse to not get things done this time. 

Project 50 - Day 6

Yesterday wasn't bad. I was able to get everything done without feeling rushed. The morning routine is still going smooth. I can't think of anything I would want to change right now. My eating is still a bit off, but we had some money come in that will make this an easier goal as we go. One thing that made our eating better yesterday was that I was craving apples and was able to send Chad to the store to get them. Also, we had chicken tacos for dinner, so we had the veggies that go with that. That is an improvement from the day before yesterday. My skill (mosaic crochet) is moving along. I am now working color rows for each row which makes it both more fun and more challenging which is the point of working on a new skill even if it builds on my current abilities. For my exercise, I hopped on the Gazelle while Chad and I watched a movie. It's not as fun as other forms of exercise, but it got the job done. Reading my nonfiction book is going great. Eleanor Roosevelt was such an amazing woman! Reading about her life in her words is something I love doing. Her personality coming through the pages makes me love her even more. I am loving this challenge so far. It is helping me prioritize things that I want to do and gets me off my phone and using my brain instead. 

Project 50 - Day 5

Yesterday was fairly smooth in most areas for this challenge. My diet is a bit off because we didn't know what was going on financially, so we did a bare minimum grocery shopping this week. I believe we have things figured out, so I may send Chad to the store to get a few things so we can do better at this challenge. My morning routine has been going really well. I have been reading in the Bible in the morning lately, and I can feel

It strengthening my testimony in the Lord. The mosaic crochet blanket is coming along decently so far. I am now 3 rows into the picture which means it has gotten a bit more difficult, but that's the point. I'm supposed to be learning. I also finished part 2 of Eleanor Roosevelt's autobiography. She was truly a remarkable woman. If I could be even a portion of the person she was, I would be happy. For my exercise yesterday, I walked in place for an hour while watching a movie with Chad. I know that most people wouldn't count that, but I do. It is more movement that I did for a long time. I will get into other things like workout videos from YouTube. I just haven't yet. 

Overall, I think this challenge is helping me a lot. I have personal goals I want to reach in life, and this is giving me a bit of direction to reach them. 

Project 50 - Day 4

Day for of this challenge was on Monday, but I'm not good at writing my reflections. Also, since yesterday was Tuesday, there is no review for that day because I have no way of fitting all of this stuff in on Tuesdays. 

My morning routine is probably the easiest part of this challenge. I have it pretty much ingrained in me at this point on the weekdays. I enjoy my time praying, reading scriptures, and writing in my journal. It is my time spent in silence with God. 

I did ok with my eating. I am continuing to eat a can of fruit with my breakfast. We are starting to run low, but I will figure that part out. I'm not great at adding fruit or vegetables with lunch. I know I need to do better. Since I work from home, I have no excuse for this. 

I did my exercise and working on my skill at the same time. I walked in place while I crocheted. I was running out of time at the end of the day because I went out with my friend to a movie and dinner. I am excited that I have my first row of the picture done and can't wait until I get further into it. 

I'm moving along in Eleanor Roosevelt's autobiography. I love this woman. She did so many great things! I don't know how anyone could not look up to her. 

Project 50 - Days 2 and 3

I forgot to write my reflection last night, so I'm going to do it with today's reflection.

Goal 1: Morning Routine

• This went well yesterday but was a bit shaky today. I'm actually proud of myself for doing any of it on the weekend because I am horrible at setting aside the time to prayer, read scriptures, and journal on the weekends. (The shower and getting ready for the day part never get skipped.) Today was hard because I was trying to read at the table while I was eating breakfast with Chad watching tv in the living room. I was a bit too distracted, but I didn't want to do it in my room like I do on weekdays. I may have to concede and take my breakfast and morning routine bag to my desk in my room.

Goal 2: Read 10 pages

• This goal was hard for me yesterday. I was groggy all day. It actually took me three time of reading a few pages at a time to get through my 10 pages. It's not that I don't like the book. I was just tired.
• Today, this goal was a bit easier. I did break it into 5 pages at a time (before the Broncos game and during half time), but it wasn't hard to do. 

Goal 3: 1 hour of exercise 

• This is a hard goal for me, but I got it done both days even though I really wanted to skip it today. Yesterday, I went for an hour walk with Chad. Today I walked around the house for an hour. I much prefer walking outside. 

Goal 4: Eat healthy meals 

• I can honestly say I'm doing better at this than I was before the challenge, but I'm not doing as good as I would like. My breakfasts have been fairly healthy, I think. Yesterday, I had avocado toast with bacon and Swiss cheese and some grapes. Today, I had avocado toast with eggs and Swiss cheese and a can of pears. Lunch had been more difficult. I don't remember what I had yesterday, but today I had gravy and whatever I found to dip in it (mostly bread and crackers). Dinner yesterday was biscuits and gravy made with ground turkey instead of hamburger and some peach slices. Today, Chad made butternut squash ravioli. 

Goal 5: work on a new skill for one hour a day

• I have found it easier to do this while watching tv or on the phone with my daughter. Even with the distractions, one hour is kind long to cut and crochet. Maybe it will be easier to sit and do this when I get to the picture in the blanket. Right now it is basically a row of single crochet followed by a row of double crochet. 

Project 50 - Day 1

Chad and I started a new challenge together called Project 50. We started this because we both have had health struggles and want to get healthier. We are hoping that by implementing some new habits for 50 days, we can move towards the right direction. I will have to skip Tuesdays because I work and go straight to the temple for my shift there each week, but those will be the only days that I will skip. 

Goal 1: 1 hour morning routine 

• This is a fairly easy goal for me. I have had an established morning routine for a while. This morning I spent more time on reading rather than on my phone which felt like the right change. My current routine is to get up, take a shower and get ready for the day, pray, read scriptures (currently reading the Old Testament), and journal. I had a bit of extra time this morning and worked on the autobiography I have been reading. 

Goal 2: Read 10 pages

• I'm not counting scripture reading for this because it's just something I do at this point. I'm reading Eleanor Roosevelt's autobiography. I liked the first section of it better than the second section because the second section is more about her husband and his presidency than it is about her. I am determined to finish it thogh because I find her fascinating. I am happy to say that I did read 10 pages today. I learned that even back then, they had to try to combat rumors. 

Goal 3: 1 hour of exercise 

• This goal was hard to do. I planned to do it after dinner, but Noel called and we talked for about  an hour and a half after dinner. I did complete this goal though by walking around my kitchen island. 

Goal 4: eat healthy meals 

• Chad and I decided that eating healthy means we will have a fruit and a vegetable with every meal, I am happy to say that I did this.

Goal 5: learn a new skill and work on it for an hour a day. 

• I am building on a consul for this. I am learning mosaic crochet to make Eric a blanket. It's not easy, but I have confidence that I will learn how to do this. Today I finished rows 4 and 5 of the blah.

Health Update

 

I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup a couple of weeks ago. For the most part, my health hasn't changed. My thyroid levels have been regulated on the same dosage for the last 5 or 6 years, and most of my blood work came back normal. I did have a few changes, though. My blood pressure is slightly high but not high enough for medication. I just need to take my blood pressure at least a few times a week. I am also slightly prediabetic. I was told to exercise more and change my diet. Basically, I need to lose weight. This isn't surprising. It was just a matter of time before my weight started causing health issues.

I don't have much of a plan to improve my health. I have tried in the past, but it's hard to stick to anything. The time I was the most successful I used an app on my phone to track my food and started running. I am considering doing that, but it will have to wait until after Labor Day because we will be out of town. It would be a lot easier to make changes if I wasn't on the road. I will have to figure something out. I don't want to have to deal with more medication for the rest of my life. 

Killers of a Certain Age - Book Review

 

The book choice for my book club over the last month was Killers of a Certain Age. This is a book about a group of women who are paid assassins who have been working for "The Museum" for 40 years and are told they are being forced into retirement. However, they find out that they are not quietly going into retirement. They have a bounty placed on their heads. Through the book we are taken through the process of finding out why they have a bounty on their heads and what they do about it. 

When I was told the basic plot of the book, I was quite excited to read this book. For the most part, it is a good book. My main complaint is that the flash backs in the first half of the book are not in good places. Through the flashbacks, we learn how they are recruited, trained, and build relationships within the company. These are important bits of information, but I feel like it would have been better had they been at the beginning of the book and used a flash forward type of thing as the book went on. Another thing that may have worked would have been somehow including the recruiting and training into the dialog. I'm not a writer, so I don't even know if that would work. I just didn't like how the author would have a cliff hanger at the end of a chapter then suddenly change to something from the past. Again, this is only a criticism of the first half of the book. In the second half of the book, flashbacks were used to show the relationship between the main characters and the people they were perusing. This felt like a good use of flashbacks. (I'm not a total hater of the flashbacks. I just think it is used wrong or too much in a lot of novels now days.) The good part of the book is that the basics of the plot move along at a good pace. The imagery was perfect with not too much description but enough to really know, understand, and feel a part of what was going on. Overall, I gave this book 3 stars on Goodreads. I will probably not read the second book because I was satisfied with the ending of the book and don't feel the need to. One person in my book club read it and said it was ok but not as good as the first one. 

It took me almost 2 weeks longer to read than it should have (my deadline was July 16, but I finished today). This was not because it was a bad book. I have traveled over the last month which slowed me down, and I spent way too much time on my phone over the last few months. One of these days, I will give myself more time to read like I did at the beginning of the year. 

Turning 48

I turned 48 a week ago. I was so excited leading up to this day. However, when the day came, I was not as happy. There is so much behind a birthday in my world. 

Starting with my 44th birthday, I decided that I would celebrate it more than I had for a while. Starting with that birthday, I had officially out lived my mom. (I feel like that is not a normal thing to say for people in their 40s, but that's the life of a daughter who lost their mother at a young age.) Now, I can celebrate reaching milestones my mom looked forward to that she didn't get to see. I have been able to see all of my kids graduate high school. She didn't see any of us graduate. I will be able to be there when my kids get married, have their own kids, and anything else that is connected to them becoming full adults. My mom was gone before my sister and I did any of these things. Each year brings more experiences she was unable to experience in this life. I am so lucky to be able to live long enough to experience life in this way. How could I not celebrate this? 

On the other hand, being another year older and not accomplishing what I wanted to achieve in this time is frustrating. I wanted to be working on getting out of debt, but medical bills and car repairs have raised my debt instead. The frustrating part of this is that if we were able to save instead of paying credit card payments, I could have probably paid for these things without payment plans and more credit card debt. I wanted to lose weight and thought Chad's necessary change to his diet would help me. I didn't go on his highly restricted diet. It's hard, and I don't end up in extreme pain when I eat things like red meat, or fried foods. Plus, I work from home and am not as limited on what I can eat during the day. I wanted to be using my degree by now. I think I am in a way with my second job (Magic Club), but it's not how I imagined using it. Also, I don't need the degree to do this job. Most jobs I have found using my degree don't pay as much when starting as I get paid now. I can't take a pay cut, and I can't add anything else to my schedule right now. I think it is normal to think about what we haven't accomplished as we age. My husband has been doing it for years. The problem is that it is depressing to look at birthdays this way. I want to go back to being happy and excited that I am one year older and get to experience life longer. 

Over the past year good things have happened, too. I have continued to grow my relationships with my children. I was able to help them financially and emotionally (hopefully) when needed and asked. I have become so good at my job that I am actually bored even when I am so busy that I feel like I will never complete my spreadsheets and other tasks. My husband and I have worked on our relationship by doing things like taking walks (until it got too hot), camping, fishing, going to the gym, working in the temple together, and other things. (It's amazing how much better marriage is when both people are all in.) I have a bigger garden this year than I have had in the past. Not all of it has survived the heat we are experiencing this summer, but it's exciting to have so much growing still. I made my best batch of hand soap and have a request from my daughter to make more for her to take with her when she moves out. (I love that she loves my soap.) The biggest accomplishment I made since my last birthday (less than a week after it) was getting my bachelor's degree. I was a 10-year process, but it is an accomplishment that I made that changed me for the rest of my life. 

I have no idea when the next year will bring, for the most part. I have do have some hopes that I would like to turn into goals. I want to be back to being a person to makes and reaches goals. I am in the process of figuring out what I want to accomplish over the next year that is achievable. So far, I know I will be keeping both of my jobs and continue working in the temple one night a week. I will also definitely be planting a garden next year using what I have learned from my accomplishments and failures to make it more successful. I will also continue to read, crochet, and knit. I am thinking that what I need to add to my life is a more regular workout routine. Chad and I have yearly passes to the local rec center, and I want to get enough use out of them to make the money we paid back in December worth it. While doing that, I would like to get back into running in some way. I just don't know what that looks like right now because I am not going to wake up any earlier to run before work. (I get up at 5:00 to have time to do my Miracle Morning and shower before I start work at 6:30.) I think the workouts will be my main focus on top of the other things I am already doing. I just need to refine what I want it to look like. 

Saturday Morning

 I love my Miracle Morning! I love it on Saturday even more! During the week, I feel rushed because I start work at 6:30 and don't want to get up any earlier. Sundays are full of distractions. Saturdays are my chance to take my time in the silence to really soak everything in while Chad is at work and everyone else is sleeping. 

On Saturday, I get to make myself breakfast, sit at the table, and take my time to go through each step. I start with prayer/meditation. Then, I open my scriptures and read at a speed that feels comfortable rather than trying to get in a chapter or two within a specific amount of time. That is typically followed by journaling combined with visualization. I write about what is going on in my life as I dream about what is to come and try to come up with the next step to get me there. After that, I open up my bullet journal and recite my affirmations. I finish it up with a bit of movement which is typically walking laps around my island as I read another nonfiction book (right now it is The Autobiography of Eleanor Roosevelt). This is the most relaxing time of the week. Do I like other times of the week? Of course! I just really love this time I get to learn and reflect.  

The Invisible Live of Addie LaRue - Book Review

I believe I have a new favorite book, The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue. The author, V.E. Schwab, is a wordsmith! It has been a long time since I've listened to or read a book that has made me feel something real other than when I read scriptures, but this feeling is different. The words of this book are almost poetic, and there is so much symbolism that even I am able to see it and enjoy it. 

This book is about a girl who makes a deal with the devil, or as they call it, the darkness, but she doesn't understand how it will manifest. Instantly, she is forced to live centuries being forgotten by everyone as soon as she is out of sight. One day, she meets a man who remembers but only because he is also cursed due to a deal he made with the same devil. 

Here are some of my favorite passages:

"Take a drink every time you hear you're not enough.

    Not the right fit.

    Not the right look.

    Not the right focus.

    Not the right drive.

    Not the right time.

    Not the right job. 

    Not the right path.

    Not the right path.

    Not the right future.

    Not the right present.

    Not the right you.

    Not you.

    (Not me?)

    There's just something missing..." (page 229)

"...when the devil speaks again, there's a new depth to his voice, a steady warmth like a blanket drawn around his shoulders. Hendry Feels himself learn into it. 

    'You want to be loved,' says the stranger...'And I can give that to you for a price of something you won't even miss...'

    And he doesn't think any of this is real.

    So it doesn't matter.

    Or perhaps the man in the rain is right. 

    He just has nothing left to lose. 

    In the end, it's easy.

    As easy as stepping off the edge.

    And falling. 

    Henry takes his hand, and the stranger squeezes, hard enough to reopen the cuts along his palm. But at last, he doesn't feel it. He doesn't feel anything, as the darkness smiles, and says a single word.

    'Done.'" (pages 233-234)

"A curtain falling on a play: the lovely sets, the stagings, the trained actors all vanish behind the darkened cloth.

    Surrender.    

    An order whispered in the dark.

    A demand made over and over and over for years - until it stopped. How long ago did he stop asking? But of course, she knows - it was when his method changed, when his temper towards her softened." (page 410)

I could go on and on about this book. It has woken something inside me that I didn't know was there: a greater love for fiction. Who knew that joining a book club at the library could bring me this much joy? 

Checklists and Planner

 

I keep going back and forth between bullet journaling and checklists in my planner. I would love to find some kind of balance using both, but I haven’t figured that out yet. 

For now, I'm back to using my planner. I feel like it gives me a better day to day overview and a more consolidated list of my daily goals that lead me to my larger goals. For the past couple of weeks, I have pulled out my markers and stickers usually used for the bullet journal. This has made it more visually appealing and fulfills part of the creative spirit I am often looking for in the bullet journal. Rather than writing a list in one or pencil on a black and white page, I get to create something that is unique to me each week. 

Mother's Day 2026

 

I used to have a hard time with Mother's Day. My mom died a month after I turned 18, so I never had a Mother's Day with my mom as an adult. In 2020, I was finally able to take my time, celebrate my mom, grieve experiences I felt robbed of, and be celebrated by my husband and kids without having to go to celebrate someone else (I know this part is selfish). This was what I needed to heal and finally be able to enjoy Mother's Day. We still send my mother-in-law a gift, and my husband calls her. However, I am allowed to spend time a lone to think of my mom, and my husband and kids celebrate me. 

This year, we had a plan. Chad was going to make homemade fettucine noodles and alfredo sauce with broccoli and a cherry cheesecake for dessert. I made rolls the day to go with it when I made bread the day before. This dinner didn't happen. 

After church, we had lunch; Eric came over; and Chad started on the cheesecake. Then, Eric, Sean, and I planted some shrubs and flowers that I had bought not long ago. When we were finishing up the last shrub, Chad came to the back door and told me he was in pain and may need to go to the ER. He was having a diverticulitis attack from eating too much rice. We made the decision together that he would lie down, take some Tylenol, and drink some water as he monitored his pain. If it got worse, we would go to the hospital. It started to get better, but there was no one to make dinner, and we didn't have anything for a backup out of the freezer. The kids and I ordered from Red Robin instead of having the planned dinner. On the way to pick up our order, we stopped at the gas station to get soda for us and apple juice for Chad. (Apple juice was his dinner because that was what we were told to do before he was discharged from the hospital in March.) We still had the cheesecake for desert after we played a game. I continually checked on Chad through the night. He eventually felt well enough to come out of our room and spend time with everyone before Eric left. 

Mother's Day didn't exactly look like we had planned. The dinner I dreamed of was not able to be made. That didn't matter. I was able to spend my time with my children, and they all got along. We laughed, we played, we ate good food. What more could this mama want?

Harry Potter Sweater

I finished my Harry Potter sweater last fall, but I didn't block it and weave in the ends until this last week because we didn't really have much cold weather this winter. Since Tuesday was a bit on the cool side, I decided Monday that I would hand wash, block, and weave in the ends so I could wear it to the temple before it got too hot to even consider wearing it. Thank goodness it is a light sweater, though. It was barely cool enough to wear. 

Here is the finished product while blocking:

While wearing:

I love this sweater! I was worried that it was going to be too small because I have gained so much weight over the past few years, but it fit beautifully with a bit of room. I hope to be able to wear it a lot more in the future. 

Continuing to Receive Answers

Life has been hard lately. To say I have felt knocked down is an understatement. Over the past month, I have found myself turning to my Heavenly Father more than ever. Each time, He answers in the ways that I need. It isn't always big, but it doesn't have to be for me to know that He is there, answering my prayers, and caring about my mental wellbeing as well as my spiritual wellbeing. 

This week, I have been in tears several times not knowing how to deal with the pressures and rejections I have been facing. On Tuesday, I went for my regular shift at the temple where I was reminded that it was the right place to be over and over. I could feel the love of Christ as I performed my duties and served the patrons the way the Lord would have me do. On Wednesday, Chad and I took our regular walk. As he always does, he listened to me as I rambled on about my day. When we got close to the end, I told him how I was feeling about the rejection I had recently faced and the stress I was feeling about all of the medical issues in our household right now. When we got back to the house, he sat with me on the sidewalk in front of the house and just let me cry and let my feelings out. I told him I felt like life has been crapping on me since I was 10 (when the grandma that lived with us was diagnosed with cancer and died). He just listened and let me air it all out. I needed that more than anything at that time. Then, my child with no voice asked me to take them to their next specialist appointment. I thought this was going to be a difficult endeavor because I would have to work with both of my bosses to make this happen. I said a prayer and texted them both. I had to ask one to be able to work and hour earlier that day, and I had to let the other know that I would not be able to work the last day of Magic Club for the semester. Both were understanding when I explained what was going on. That was a small answer to my prayers that I needed but wasn't sure would work out. I know most people would look at these things as coincidence or people just being caring, but I choose to see them as God showing me the compassion that I really need right now. 

This morning, I was once again in tears after the second call in about a week in which my parents made sure that I know they will not be helping me in any way and that things are harder for them. (My stepmother has significant health issues, and my dad works very hard at his job.) I understand that my struggles are not as bad as other people, but it would have been nice to be shown some compassion while I'm in the trenches this one time. I prayed this morning, as I usually do, for my child to be healed and to feel God's love once again. Then, I read my scriptures, did my daily affirmations, and got in the shower where I was hit with a stronger wave of depression. I did all I could do at this point. I closed my eyes, looked up to the sky, and just prayed for this feeling to be taken from me. As I got out of the shower, I had a feeling I should listed to a talk from General Conference. I opened the app on my phone and pulled up the next talk in my queue. It was All Who Have Endured Valiantly by David A. Bednar. Just reading the title of the talk helped me know the Lord was listening to my prayers. As I listened to the talk, I was reminded that I am here to grow spiritually. I have been given spiritual gifts to help me and others through this life. I need to look for ways to show charity to others and help them make it through this life as well. I have been shown compassion throughout the last few weeks by people outside of my family such as both of my bosses, the temple workers on my shift whether they know what is happening or not, my husband, and my children. It is my turn to show compassion and serve. Elder Bednar said, "As we follow, love, and serve the Savior, we gradually focus less on our own desires and interests and more on understanding and addressing the needs of others...Charity, then, ultimately possesses us." This is my answer today. I need to stop turning inward and worrying about myself. I need to turn outward and look to help those around me. 

Seeing the Good When Life is Hard

 This past month has been hard. Chad was in the hospital with diverticulitis, one of my children has lost their voice and has to see specialists for it (did you know there is a such thing as a vocal cord specialist), our dog, Dexter, passed away, the politics in this country are horrible causing contention on all sides (I don't handle contention well), and AI is making my main job feel less and less secure. Here's the thing through; I feel like I have been prepared for this difficult time. 

Many years ago (possibly when I was a teenager because I am just that weird), I decided I wanted to memorize as many church hymns as I could. I can't say that I have memorized all of them, but as I paid attention to those that were commonly sang, I started to remember at least the first verse more and more. I have found this talent to be very helpful. When things are hard, I often have a hymn or primary song come into my head. It is a comfort knowing that my weirdness has given me this gift. 

Last month, I watched the Relief Society broadcast. Sister Camille Johnson's talk struck my heart in a special way. The quote that will forever stay with me was, "You can do hard with Jesus, or you can do hard alone." This small sentence from this wonderful talk is exactly what I needed to prepare me for what was coming sooner than I had expected. 

I am choosing right now to do hard with Jesus. I am still praying and studying my scriptures. The scriptures give me hope as I read the Book of Mormon and learn about what it was like right before Christ's birth and resurrection. As I pray for miracles, I am seeing them unfold in front of my eyes and am reminded of the miracles I have experienced in the past. This morning as I prayed with gratitude for the miracles in my life, the line from a hymn came to my mind, "There is hope shining brightly before us, and we know that deliverance is neigh."

Life isn't going to get easier just because I can see this glimmer of hope through the clouds, but I know that the Lord wants me to be happy. I know He prepared a way for me to do this as I work my way through this with my family. Will things get better soon? I don't know. Does it still feel like my family is being hammered on with hard things? Yes, but I am choosing to do hard with Jesus. 

My Body Relaxed

Lost week, Chad was in the hospital very sick. He went to the ER under the advice of his primary care and ended up being admitted for a few days. I had just taken a week off of work and was worried about taking more time off. Each day, I would work in the morning until visiting hours began. Then I would head over to the hospital for a few hours, come home and work the rest of my hours for the day. After work, I made dinner and headed back to the hospital until visiting hours were over. Then, I would go home, spend time with the kids, and go to bed. I called out for my shift at the temple and my magic job. Everyone was very understanding. I was exhausted but more worried about him than me. 

Thursday afternoon, he was sent home with antibiotics and a special diet as well as instructions for if this issue happened again. The next few days were a bit difficult because he didn't have as much energy as usual. 

This morning, he was able to do his regular exercise and eat a normal breakfast without pain. It was such a relief! All of a sudden, I felt like I didn't have to check on him continually. During my lunch break, I took a nap as usual. Then, I sat at my desk watching my email for invoices to process. I ended up lying my head back and falling asleep for another hour. I have never done that before! (Thankfully, I work from home , so no one noticed.) I hadn't realized how the events of last week had affected me until I woke up from my unintentional nap. I hope I don't have to go through that again for a long time.