MY Cousin

 

When we were kids and visiting our grandparents or each other's house, we were rarely seen apart. We have always click in a special way. When my family moved to Colorado, one of the hardest parts was that we couldn't see our cousins very much. We have spent most of our adult lives apart, raising our kids and living. Of all of my cousins, it has been hardest to be separated from her.

Now, she is most likely dying, and I changed my vacation plans to spend time with her. Even with her health struggles, we still click. She is still MY cousin. We will always have a special bond that none of our other cousins share. 

Illinois/Michigan Vacation:Day 1

This year, we planned a big trip (for us). The plan was to have a "cousin reunion" in South Haven, Michigan, where we grew up going for family gatherings with my dad's family. (We haven't seen each other, for the most part, since my grandparents passed away.) As time went on, plans had to change here and there. Eric was not able to get the time off, so he couldn't join. Chad had to have surgery and no longer had paid time off, so he had to stay home. Most importantly, my cousin, Kara, the cousin I was always most connected to as a kid, developed significant health problems and is unable to travel. So we pivoted. Eric stayed at his home, Chad stayed at ours, and the rest of us planned a two stop trip: one stop in Illinois, and one in Michigan. 

Our first leg of the trip started yesterday. Sean, Noel, and I set off to Illinois early in the morning and arrived at about 10pm local time. 

It was a long ride, and we took pictures of each state crossing as we drove (it was the job of the person in the passenger seat).

Today, we will go to my aunt and uncle's house to swim and spend time with them and cousins. Tomorrow, I'm hoping to be able to have lunch before heading up to our second stop, Michigan. 

Harder Than I Thought

 

I have finished 3 sweaters so far this year, and each one has been hard in different ways. When I started this sweater, I knew the colorwork would be hard, but I figured the rest would be fairly easy. At least I wouldn't have to seem it together. Right? I was wrong. 

I have gotten to the part where I add the color to create Hermione's time turner. It was not easy to get here. At first, I struggled with learning German short rows. With some help from YouTube, I got that figured out and only had take out that part to redo it once. As I was doing this part, I also ran into an issue with the pattern not making sense, so I found a project page on Ravelry that rewrote the two lines that were written poorly. Then, I had a counting issue (it's hard to not lose count with that many stitches while making increases). I used stitch counters ever 10 to 15 stitches depending on the row to help with that. The problem with this part was the first increase row did not have the stitches to match what was written. I got that part figured out and continued on. Now, I am adding the colored pattern and fighting my own counting issues again. Why is it that counting while crafting is so much harder than counting in every day life?

I will do more updates on the progress of this sweater like I did for the mittens a while back. I'm quite excited to make it! I hope it comes out as beautiful and fun as I imagined when I ordered the yarn. 

Feeling Melancholy

I have been overcome with melancholy for the last few days. Mortality is kicking me in the face. Having a sweet person from my past pass away plus finding out my cousin needs a heart transplant within a few days sucks. I'm trying to let myself feel and pull myself out of it at the same time. 

If I let myself feel too much, I will go into a spiral that is hard to pull out of. I will think of all of the ways I have failed at life. I will think of friends and family members who have passed away. I will think of the ways my life has been hard. I can't let myself veer too far into this. 

To try to pull out of it, I have pulled a few things out of my arsenal. I am reading books that give me hope. I have watched sitcoms. I took a walk. I make sure I'm taking my supplements. I'm sure there is more I can do. I just need to figure it out. 

I only have 4 days until I leave on vacation. I need to feel better by then. 

She Will Be Missed

In 2015, I started the Pathway program which started my journey to my bachelors degree. At the time, it required that I meet with others in a group once a week. I felt out of place often because I had to leave a bit early to rush off to work, but there were a few people that always made me feel a part of the class: Brandon and Michelle. 

Unfortunately, life made it difficult to keep up with these friendships (they lived about 30 minutes away, and our paths didn't naturally cross). I have done my best to keep up with them on Facebook and told myself I would eventually arrange a meet up with them.

Today, Michelle passed away after her second bout with cancer. She was one of those people that exuded goodness and kindness. She loved scrapbooking, Hallmark movies, her daughter and grandchildren, and Christmas. In the last month or so of her life, she posted something that brought her joy each day which shows exactly who she was. I cried a bit as I read the post from her daughter informing every one of her passing because the world was a better place with her in it. I hope he knows how much she was loved in this world even from people who haven't seen her in person in about 8 years. 

Lantern Festival

 

My daughter has had to deal with some hard things in this life. I don't know how to help her with it all, but I try. The main this I do to try to make sure she knows her feelings are valid. Last weekend, one of the things we did together to try help her was go to a water lantern festival. 

With our entry tickets, we were each given a paper lantern to decorate. We each chose a quote to write on them and what to draw. When the ceremony began, we released our lanterns in the water and watched them float away. It was calming and freeing to do this as meditative music played over the speakers. When she was ready to go, we left. 

I don't know if this helped her. I hope it  gave her some closure. I know it helped me clear my mind even though I didn't realize it would benefit me in any way. 

Camping 2024

Since Chad can't come with us to Illinois and Michigan, he and I went camping earlier this week on his regular days off. We went to Vega State Park here in Colorado. It was beautiful! 

We arrived Sunday night, set up, and tried to sleep amongst the loud neighbors and wind trying to tear down the tent for which we had no stakes. 

The next morning, I scavenged empty campsites for stakes and wood. I was able to find 4 stakes which were just enough for our needs and a lot of fire wood. 

After a delicious breakfast, we decided to take his paddle board and my kayak on the lake. The conditions were perfect. We were out for about an hour before we decided to get out, delayed out watercraft, and explore a bit. 

That night, a big rain storm came in, and we bugged out as quick as we could. Since it was rather late and driving straight home was not a safe (I won't drive that tired), we found a hotel in Rifle, CO to stay the night and headed the rest of the way home in the morning. 

Overall, I would say this was a great trip. We had fun on the lake, had great conversation, learned more about each other, and had an experience we won't forget. I love these adventures with this amazing man!

My Next Book

I finished the Miracle Morning today, so I have to move on to my next self-help type of book. I have two waiting for me, You Are A Badass: How To Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero and  A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. I want to read both. The decision of which one to read first is difficult. I asked Chad his opinion and looked them a bit more closely to decide. 

I am going to read You Are A Badass first. Chad likes the title, but I had to look at it for what it was and remember what made me buy it. My goal with these books is to create a better life. I think this one will help me get closer, and it having a humorous tone will help me want to read it. 

The other book sounds wonderful and has been in print since 1992 which tells me it is a good book. I bought it because I loved a quote that was used in the Miracle Morning that resonated with me. It will for sure be my next book. For now, I am happy with my decision. 

Trying to Relax

I struggle with the idea of relaxing a lot of the time. This morning, during my Miracle Morning routine, I felt frantic, like I just needed to do more in every aspect of my life. Do I need to do better in many ways? Yes. I don't remember feeling that consumed by it in a long time, though. It took me longer than usual to get through my routine because I felt that I needed to do more or something else with my time. 

When I got to the exercise portion (I do this at the end), I felt like I needed to do a longer yoga session. There was a 30 minute flow that I cut short last week because I needed to get ready for work that I wanted to do to the end. I searched my history in Apple Fitness+ and easily found it. I was already feeling better knowing I was putting thought into action. 

As I started this yoga session, I set the intention to feel relaxed. I went through each move to the best of my ability. The middle part was difficult, but I felt accomplished when I could bring myself through it. The last 10 minutes were stretches I needed very badly and was able to relax into each one. In the end I felt...RELAXED! I needed that so bad. I am so thankful to have been lead to this workout!

Packaging Change

This morning, I was pouring the last bits of one Lysol bottle into another, almost gone, bottle. I looked at the differences on the bottles considered the messages each sends. First, we have to remember that these bottle were bought only about a month or two apart. Then, we can remember the messages we are receiving from media. The bottle in the right is the older bottle. It tells us how quick it can kill germs. The one on the left says it has “45% more.” Both try to alleviate fears. At least one of them fails. Why? They are both 32 oz. One is not 45% bigger than the other. It kind of makes me wonder how well it kills germs. 

Butterfly Backpack

 

There have been some stressful situations in our home lately. To help relieve that stress, Noel and I indulged in a bit of retail therapy. We went to the quilt shop to buy material to make a quilt to replace the one she was givin when she was 2 and keeps going back to when she is given new blankets. Then, we went to Hobby Lobby to buy thread for that project and the curtains I started on Saturday. As we were leaving, she saw a child-sized butterfly backpack that was 50% off and fell in love. I couldn’t deny her when she looked at me with her hopeful eyes. We left with the things we went there for and a small, pink, butterfly backpack, and she had a huge smile on her face.