Final Day For Now

 We are leaving Utah in the morning, so today was our final day. It was a great day to be here. I started the day off going to church with my dad. Then, I sat and enjoyed my dad and sister’s company until my sister and I set off to Walmart to buy some water for Noel and things her kids forgot. That was followed by a lunch of Kraft macaroni and cheese with her kids and my daughter. At dinner time my other sister, Carrie, came over with three of her girls. Then, we watched the Nuggets game and enjoyed being around each other until Noel and I needed to head to bed. 

I am sad we are leaving tomorrow before we can do more things around town, but I will be happy to be home with my husband, son, and dogs. As an added extra, Eric will be coming by to pick up a few things. (I am always excited when he calls and plans to stop by.) 

I forgot to take pictures while Carrie and the girls were over, but I did get some before we went our separate ways for the night. 

The Wedding

 

My best friend’s daughter got married today in the Payson Temple. It was a wonderful ceremony! I love the special spirit in the temple, and witnessing a couple be married for eternity makes it even better. 

The reception that really nice. The decorations were beautiful! The food was fun (fruit skewers, pretzels and stuff, and cupcakes), and the dancing was fun. They are such a cute couple, and I feel so honored and blessed to be invited to share in this wonderful day!

Loving These Trips

The more I come to Utah, the more I feel at home. Not in the “I want to live here” of way. It’s more like I fell like I have a place here. There was a time I didn’t know if I would be welcomed with open arms at my dad’s house. I am so glad that is not the way it is anymore. 

One of my favorite things in this house is the wall with his cross stitch temples. I remember him painstakingly working on them whenever he had down time. At the time, these were all of the temples he had been to. (I know that he has been to more since moving to Utah.) When I think about him creating these works of art, I think about this as a calm in the chaos that was our lives at the time. He set such a wonderful example of how to create calm when it seemed impossible. I think this is one of the reasons I gravitate towards knitting and crochet (mostly knitting) when I need to find a sense of calm. 

Dropping the Class

I am dropping my social media marketing class. I hate it, and am doing horrible in it. This class is torture for me. I have until June 11 to drop it with a W. It’s better than failing it. I will have to find another elective and won’t get my money back for the class, but that’s fine. I’ll make it work. I just can’t survive this class. 

The One Where You Buy a Book

Sometimes you buy the book

because you want the sweater.

Now, I need to come up with the money to buy all of the yarn needed. It looks like it will be about $90. Maybe someone will be generous for my birthday. 

 

“Running” Tradition

For the past five years, Chad and I have done our best to run the BOLDERBoulder. We even did the virtual one in 2020. This year was, I believe, the hottest and least trained one we have done, and I really felt it. I still had fun though. Where else would I be able to take a picture with Elvis while he sang?

The most impressive sight was the firefighter running in full gear carrying the American flag. I love going to events with so much patriotism especially on days set aside to honor those who fought for our freedom!

One Done

 I have finished the first of 4 hats. I did Noel’s first because she needs it for a camping trip she is going on in June, and I wasn’t sure how long it would take. Now, I am working on Sean’s. I should have chosen to do Marleah’s since I will see her next weekend. Maybe I can finish Sean’s at at least start hers before I leave on Friday. 

Caught in the Storm

 Yesterday, Noel and I drove up to Cheyanne, WY for a graduation party for her friend. We left in poring rain  in the late afternoon. By the time we made it to the next exit, it was hailing. As we made our way to our exit, the hail was getting harder and bigger. I sat on the off ramp worried that our windshield would break. I told Noel we would stop under the overpass until the hail passes, and she agreed it was a good idea. Then, it calmed down just enough as we got to that point, so we just went on our way. It was still raining hard, so I drove a bit more cautious than normal as our little car was bullied around by wind and the backwash of other vehicles. We drove through Greely and Eaton before the rain started to subside. It took even longer before we stopped having to drive through large puddles. We made it to our destination safely and had no issues as we drove home. 

I am thankful that we were kept safe. As I was driving, I was reminded of a time driving home from visiting either my mom or brother in the hospital when the weather was just as bad and I was scared. I said a prayer in the backseat of that car that we would get home safely and it started to clear. This time said a silent prayer as I drove and it got better as well. Prayers are answered. It doesn't matter if we think the prayer will be important. Our Heavenly Father is waiting for those prayers and willing to provide us with the answers we need. 

Downside of Work-from-Home

 I have come to like working from home most days. I can watch shows while I work, eat fresher foods, spend time with Sean or Noel when they want or need it, and set my schedule within reasonable parameters. There are times that I don’t get to choose when I take off in the middle of the day. 

A few days ago, I was in the middle of something when I suddenly lost my internet connection. The last time that happened, I  switched to WiFi instead of the hard line and just worked that way for the rest of the day. This time, that didn’t work. Apparently, a line in a nearby town was cut somehow putting a few towns in an outage. They estimated it would be repaired by 8pm. I had my boss clock me out and promised to make up the time. I ended up having to make up 3 hours at 6pm. It wasn’t ideal. Even though it rarely happens, I hate that I am at the mercy of such things. 

I won’t always work from home. My hope is to have a more hands on job after I get my degree. For now, I have to take these kind of days with the good of being available for my family. 

Shocked

I take short naps during my lunch breaks most days. To drown out the household noises, I turn on the news as I do so. This afternoon I woke up to this:

I kind of feel like my childhood is slowly dying. I don’t think I want to know who’s next. 

Paddle Boarding

 

Chad and Noel took their paddle boards out today while I was working for the first time this season. I wish I could have taken my kayak with them, but it is hard to find a time when Chad and I can go together because we s as aren’t off together other than Sunday most weeks. I am glad these two have something they both like that they can do together. 

Denver Sports

I am not afraid to admit that I am one of those people who jumps on a bandwagon when it comes to Denver sports (ie. the Broncos). However, there are two teams I try to follow as best I can considering the games haven’t been played on Comcast for a while. Those teams are the Mammoth (lacrosse) and the Nuggets (basketball). As of Saturday, the Mammoth made it to the finals. Then today, the Nuggets made their way into the finals for the first time in franchise history. I am so excited to be able to cheer them each on in the finals. Chad will be able to go to a Mammoth game with his brother, and we will watch the Nuggets on tv. Let’s hope for back-to-back champions and first time champions.

Woah…Cops

 I live in a small town where not much goes on, and my house backs up to one of the main roads in this town. This afternoon, Noel noticed something interesting when looking out my bedroom window. There were horses pulled over by the police. I have never seen this, but now I have. It took me back to the day goats were being being from our neighbor’s house down the street by the police. 

I’m Happy

I love knitting, and I love sales. Today, I get to combine the two. I went to Hobby Lobby to get yarn for a beanie Noel requested for all of her summer camping trips this year, and found out the yarn was on sale. That meant I could buy yarn for Eric, Sean, and Marleah as well all at the same time. (I know. I probably would have anyway.) I also picked up some for myself along with interchangeable needles and stitch markers. I am excited to get started! Knitting is my happy place!

Though Few Weeks

 

This morning, I woke up feeling down. These last few weeks have been difficult, and it has been getting to me. I know I have been through worse, and I can bring myself out of these feelings. Honestly, it gets harder to move into a positive mental state the older I get. I need to find a way to not let others people and household issues affect my mood so much. 

Class Meeting

As an online student, I know there will be occasional Zoom meetings for one reason or another with classmates. Sometimes it is for group work, sometimes it is for studying for tests, and sometimes it is for intellectual conversation based on the weekly content. I have never been in a group that I blatantly don’t fit in until now. In my Child and Family Advocacy class, I am in a group of extremely right winged gals plus myself and one girl about Eric’s age who sees the possibility of many things being a societal norm. 

One big part of this class is studying both sides of controversial topics. Out of the four weeks we have met so far, there has only been one week in which I completely agreed with the others. This week, I was able to go into the topic with a different point of view. Being a class in which we are pushed out of our bubble and into uncomfortable topics, there is bound to be disagreement. The this is, my ideas were completely dismissed. I didn’t give up just because my opinion was pushed to the side. I actually became more assertive through the hour. I feel that my point of view can teach others something different. I feel like they can learn they don’t have to be as extreme in their political persuasion to love God and fight for truth. Since I know that will probably not happen, I will have to settle for just counting down h til I can be done with this group. 

I just wish that those from the extreme right and extreme left would listen to other points of view. Some of us don’t fit into either category and are treated horribly for having a different opinion. Opinions are not facts!

Cinnamon Roll Fail

I work with girls 11-14 at church, and we have activities every Wednesday that as t they choose. Tonight, they wanted to make cinnamon rolls. Of course, I assumed they wanted them from scratch. We only have an hour, so I made the dough in advance with the intention of rolling out the dough and baking them while we were there. We had a slight problem. The ovens at the church turn off after a while. They were on when I put the rolls in, but turned off at some point. When it was time to wrap up the activity, they were not even close to done. I needed up bringing them home with the promise to bring them to the girls on Sunday. They agreed to this solution. I feel bad they won’t have them when they are fresh. Next time, I will just buy the refrigerated kid that only take a 15ish minutes. 

My Favorite

 

I love this man. He understands me in a way no one else does. He supports my dreams, and is my biggest cheerleader. I have very few regrets in this life because all of the struggles I faced before meeting him, led to to him, and everything since has brought us closer together. Some people cringe when they hear how quickly we were married after we finally started dating. To me, it just felt natural. We were meant to be together for eternity. 

Trying Harder

I am really good at making plans but not as good at following through. This last week, I have watched my husband put most of his free time into fixing the laundry room. When he gets hit with something new, he meets the challenge and changes his plan. It has given me a new respect for him. I want to have that kind of drive. I am determined to follow through with my plans for the week. Last week, I failed in so many areas because I let everything get the best of me. That will not happen to me this time. Like my husband, I will adjust when needed. 

This is my plan for the week which includes putting time into the laundry room so Chad doesn’t have to do it all.

The Flowers

 All I wanted for Mother’s Day when the kids were little was flowers. What did I rarely get? Flowers. Because of this, Chad has made sure to get me flowers for almost all Mother’s Days since we were married. This year, he and Eric both got me red roses. It’s like they both know me. I was also given orchids from a friend and a potted plant at church. I love all of these flowers. We’ll see how long I can keep them alive. 

Mother's Day

 

I have a love/hate relationship with Mother's Day. I have never experienced a Mother's Day as an adult with my mom. She died with I was barely 18. I am jealous of women who get to celebrate being a mom with their mom. It's not something I thought about prior to her death because the idea of me becoming a mom was sometime in the future. 

I spent many years celebrating with a mother-in-law. My first husband's mom (the better mother-in-law) was never offended by my foul mood on a day that reminded me my mom was gone. She was always very understanding. My current mother-in-law is not understanding of anything. My first Mother's Day with her she told me that I would eventually get over it and enjoy the day. (I hate when I am told to get over it.) I am glad I don't have to pretend to enjoy the day around her anymore now that she live in a different state. The thing is that even when I was with my first mother-in-law, the pain of the reminder of my loss made it difficult to enjoy the day.

Over the past few years, I have come to enjoy being celebrated by my husband and kids. Chad has bought me flowers almost every year since we were married. It is all I ever wanted as a gift. I am so thankful for a husband who listens. Since Eric moved out, he has made a point of coming over for dinner which is all I expect of  him. Seeing him an playing games with him is the greatest present he can give me. (I know he comes over at least once a month. Can't I consider it a gift each time?) This year Noel even bought me something with her own money. I know she doesn't have much, so that makes me feel incredibly special that she would spend some of what she has worked hard to earn on me. All of these things to not take away the sadness of what I don't have, but they have helped me finally learn to love this day. 

Good Mom

I think I am a good mom. I know not many moms would say that this close to Mothers' Day, but I am saying that right now. Why do I say this rather than saying I am horrible? First of all, I am not an attention seeker. There are those who will say self-deprecating things just to hear the accolades that fly at them after saying such things. As I have said in the past, I don't need attention. If I were looking for attention, I would do so on another platform to express myself. Second, I love my kids more than anything else in this world. They know this, and I will live to my dying day making sure they continue to know it. Third, I have done everything I can to teach my kids to be good people. I may not have done this in a way that others would agree with, but I don't care. I have done it my own way. So far, they are all good people who care about others. I don't think this will change. I know I am the best mom I know how be.

It is not easy to be the parent you didn't have growing up. My mom checked out mentally when she had a mental breakdown when I was young and moved out when I was almost 14. Did she love me? Yes. She just wasn't mentally or physically able to take care of her children. No matter what demons she faced, we always knew she loved us. 

I know I have failed as a parent in some ways, but on the eve of Mother's Day, I choose not to focus on that right now. There are people who talk bad about my parenting style. They say I am too permissive and give my child too much. They say I am failing them by being religious. Those people don't matter to me right now. I am me. I will not change who I am because a few people want to talk bad about me behind my back. I am a good mom. I am the mom my kids need right now.  

Lemon Basil Magic

It started as

I turned it into

When I went home from a girls' night last weekend, I came home with some herbs. My friend was very excited to tell me how good fresh pesto made with lemon basil tastes. I haven't made a lot of stuff from scratch for a while, so I was a bit nervous to try this. Tonight was the night to try it. I searched for a recipe online until I found one I though would work. I decided on this recipe and only replaced the pine nuts with cashews. It was one of the easiest recipes I have ever made. I don't know why I was so scared of it. Noel said the sauce was good but didn't like the raviolis (which is totally fair), but Sean just silently ate what he had to and walked away (not that I expected anything else). Chad liked it, of course (he likes everything). I thought it was good ad hope to remember the recipe in the future. 

 

Laundry Woes

The good new is we have a new dryer. The bad news is we are being forced into a laundry room remodel. 

Last year, we had a small fire in our dryer and stopped using it. We bought a drying rack to use until we could buy a new one. Last week, Chad told me how much he had saved over the past few months and said he was going to buy a dryer. Once we had a delivery day and time, he took the old one out of the laundry room and I worked on cleaning where it had been. I quickly realized that the floor was wet next to the washer. I told Chad and we decided we should figure out that was leaking on the washer. 

After a few days, Chad had a chance to pull the washer out and realized there was more damage to the floor than we had expected. Now, we need to replace the floor and get a new washing machine. In the meantime, we will be going to the laundry mat at least once a week. It’s not going to be easy to fit this mini remodel and laundry mat trips into our schedule, but sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to. Wish us luck on our newest adventure!

Morning Person/Night Person

There are a lot of ways in which Chad and I are similar, but there is one big way in which we differ. Chad is a morning person. He often wakes before his alarm, has more energy, and talks the most in the morning. He hates when we point this out. He doesn’t want to be a morning person because “mornings suck.” I am more of a night person. I have more energy at night most of the time. If I didn’t have a kid to take care of and job to work in the morning, I would sleep in later. I have to have an alarm to wake up in the morning. Sometimes, it goes off for a little while before I realize what is going on. Chad can be a lot of handle in the mornings. I overwhelm him at night on occasion with how talkative I get after 9ish. I know neither of us are going to change, but we don’t need to. We just need to understand the other person does not function the opposite time of day. 

Some Things Never Change

 

When she was little, she loved playing in the dirt and would help me in the garden on a regular basis. Today, I told her I got the things we need to grow flowers, and she started playing in the dirt and planning what would be planted in the front of the house. The good news is that I may mot have to take care of the garden this year. I may not even have to plant it. 

Volunteering for the Race

Chad is going to do a duathlon in September in Loveland, and has been begging me to do it with him. The thing is, I have no desire to do it. It just doesn’t sound like fun to me. I’m am barely getting back into running and have no desire to race on my bike. I told him that I would cheer him on, but even though he didn’t say it, he was not happy with that solution. 

After officially signing up for the race today, he told me about their need for volunteers. He acted like it was a crazy idea pointing out that one of the benefits they listed was unlimited high fives (gross). I just turned around to face him and told him I wouldn’t mind volunteering. He was shocked and looked happy. Then, he sent me the link to sign up. 

I signed up to help at the aid station (passing out water and stuff). I don’t know everything that will be involved, but I am excited. I have considered doing this for a race in the past but didn’t know how to sign up. Now that I have, I can’t wait to learn this side of the race. 

A Bit Sad

Today, one of the members of the bishopric was released to serve a service mission in the addiction and recovery program for this area. His wife was also released as the advisor for my Young Women's class for the same reason. I was told that she was being released, but I was not ready for him to be. When they announced that he was being released, I cried a bit. He is such a loving and caring man and someone I look up to greatly. I know I will still see him and his wife at church each week, but not working with them in the youth program will be hard. I know I am sad for selfish reasons. They will be amazing in their new calling, but they will be missed by those of us who had the opportunity to serve with them over the past few years. 

Girls' Night

In general, I don't really like to go to parties or girls' nights with more than 3 or 4 people. I have come to realize that I no longer get invited to a lot of things my friends go to because I either decline or cancel most of the time. That means that I start to feel left out because I see pictures of parties knowing that I wasn't invited to or decided I didn't want to go to. 

This week, I was invited to another girls' night via group text. I didn't have most of the numbers in my phone, so I was very nervous about going. When a couple of friends responded that they would go but have to leave a bit early, I decided I would take the chance. After all, I knew those two and the person who invited everyone over. Right?

Yesterday, I was questioning myself. I wasn't sure I really wanted to go, but I want to be more social and want to feel included. About an hour before Noel left with her dad, I had her help me get ready. She helped me decide what to wear and talked me into going for at least an hour. (I know. I'm the adult, and she is the child. It goes both ways sometimes.) As I drove up to the house, I called my sister to keep my mind off of this party. 

Once I got there, I got comfortable quickly. I at least partially knew everyone there (which helps). We had comfortable conversation and good treats. I came home happy that I went. I hope that I am invited to such things again. I need to get out of my comfort zone more often. 

Happiness in One Picture

My best friend sent me this picture of our girls together. It looks like Noel was about 2. I’m guessing it was the summer. That summer our families spent a lot of time together as my friend and I worked out at least once a week at my house and we met for play groups in the park on a regular basis. This picture brings back so many good memories. It is hard to believe so much has happened since that summer, but I am so thankful for all of the happiness this picture brings to me. 

When She Eats

I have a hard time getting my daughter to eat sometimes. She has been dealing with stomach issues for a while that one doctor thought could be anxiety and others we have seen have no answers for us. I know she eats enough to sustain her, and she has been eating a lot better since she started online school. 

At the start of the week, he stomach seemed to be upset continually. She wasn't eating much and told me that when she did it was just to make me happy. Then, she all of a sudden had an appetite yesterday. I went to the grocery store to get all of the things on her list while she watched my work computer for a little while. When I got home, she make one of the biggest breakfasts I have ever seen her eat. It was actually more than she has eaten the entire day some days. Today, she made a similar breakfast. I am so proud of her for following her hunger queues. I can't say that I want her to eat like this on a regular basis, but for now it is a win. 

Fan Broke

Ever done I worked the overnight shift in2014 and 2015, I have slept with a fan on to help drown out noises. (If you need to sleep during the day, I highly recommend it.) in this time I have gone through several fans. The current one has been sitting next to my bed for 3 or 4 years and has been the one that has lasted the longest. It is nothing special. It’s just a small Honeywell fan that I most likely got at Walmart. 

I am sad to say that this fan that has lasted though me tripping on it, dogs running into it, and being turned on all night, every night for longer than and other fan I have had died. I few nights ago it was screeching when on hi, so I ran it on low all night (not ideal). Last night, it was even loud on low. Now, it won’t even turn on. I ordered another one just like it from Amazon, but it won’t be here until Saturday. Until then, sleep will be difficult. It could be worse (I am aware of that), but I can’t wait until Saturday. 

Forgot the Feeling

I have been trying to force myself to run and liking it a bit, but I just haven't been able to get that feeling that I loved when I ran in 2019 and 2020. I just kept telling myself that if I got to a certain point, I would get back to that "runner's high" type feeling that I have been craving. I finally got that feeling today! 

I have been walking instead of running a lot lately because I have had a hard time motivating myself to run. Sophie has been enjoying the walks, but I wanted more. I am thankful for all of the walks I have gone on lately, though. I think they have helped me built up to running again. It felt SO much better to run today than it did last time I ran. (I ran for the same length of time with the same intervals.)

I am excited for my next run. I need to make sure I don't let my schedule get in the way. 

Snacks Portioned

 

I know that part of the reason I struggle with my weight is I am not good with knowing how much a portion actually is. To try to remedy that, I bought some small containers last week. Then, I sat down and portioned out some peanuts and freeze dried blueberries for my snacks for this week. Will it be the answer to all of my weight issues? No. It doesn’t hurt to try, thought. Right?

Family History

It has always been a bit difficult for me to do family history because a lot has already been done on both sides of my family. My dad used to do research while my sister and I were at youth activities and continued to do so the same night every week for a few years after we graduated. All of my grandparents that I knew did many years of research as they went to various libraries. I have several memories of my mom dropping my grandma off at a big building in Indianapolis when I was little. I also have many family members on my mom's side that continually do family history work through the years. All of this means that so much has been done that I have felt there is little to nothing left for me to do. 

Today, I learned there are some things I can do. Family Search has  tasks, including hints, that I can do for family members already found. I currently have 70 tasks to do. These are things like comparing census records and social security records and attaching them to the record if they match.  I worked on some of them already, and it was satisfying to feel that I could actually do something. I love taking my ancestors to the temple and feel that this is something else I can do to prepare them to go. If I'm lucky, I will find new people. 

Busy Weekend

I had a busy weekend. I could even say it was a busy week. Tuesday, Noel took the SAT for the second time hoping to get a better score. Thursday, I needed to take Noel to get the last few things for the two spring formals she went to this weekend. Yesterday, she went to the first one in Fort Collins at Canvas Stadium with her friend from Wyoming. Then, her friend came home with us and spent the night. This morning, we met her family in Fort Collins (about the half way point) so she could go home. Then, I came home and started homework as Noel went back to bed. Eventually, she started getting ready for tonight's dance and was even more determined to look perfect. (I think she looked great both nights.) Thankfully, she took a time out to make dinner because I was so bogged down with homework that I didn't have the time. Another friend picked her up for tonight's dance in Denver at Mile High. 

For some people, this may not seem that busy, but combining all of that with my job and schoolwork was a bit stressful. I am willing to do just about anything for Noel including multiple trips to Fort Collins. 

When She Asks, I Create

 

Noel has been making plans for the summer and asked me to make her a washcloth and beanie for the first camping trip. Of course, I said I would. (Why would I deny someone who appreciates my craft?) She picked the yarn for the washcloth Friday, and I got to work Monday. It was finished yesterday, so I made a Chapstick holder to go with it. Hopefully, we can make it to Hobby Lobby in the next few days to get the beanie done. Once hers is done, the boys have requested one as well. 

So Cold It Hurts

Having an autoimmune disease sucks sometimes. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism when I was about 21 or 22. I was diagnosed while trying to find out why I was not getting pregnant. The only symptom I noticed at the time other than the infertility was the weight gain. It didn't take long for me to notice the brittle hair, too. I didn't take it too seriously, though. When I was told that my baby could have issues with brain development if I did not take my meds while pregnant, I made sure I took them during the pregnancies. At the time, I did not understand how important the meds were for me, too. 

After Sean was born, I had a water cyst on my thyroid that the doctors were concerned was a tumor. I had blood work and an ultrasound done followed by the draining of a cyst (not a fun procedure). At this time, I was I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis and was told I needed to take it more seriously. Spoiler alert...I did not. When funds were low, the first thing I cut out was my thyroid meds. 

As time has gone on, I have realized that there is more going on than I had realized. I am now on a high dosage and have more symptoms than in the past, even when on the meds. The one that I hate the most is my intolerance to hot and cold. The cold is far worse!

Tonight, I got to deal with my intolerance to cold. (I should point out that it was about 45F and raining when I was having these issues.) I took Noel to the doctor because she was not feeling well and to the gas station after for treats. I ran the heat in the car the entire ride home, and the house was warm when I got inside. The problem was that my feet got cold while out and about. It is really hard for me to warm up once I am that cold. I tried to grin a bear it for as long as possible. By the time dinner was over, my feet were so cold that they hurt. (Yes. That is a thing.) I ended up sitting in bed with socks, three blankets, and two dogs on my feet as the pain intensified. Thankfully, my husband understands my issues with being cold, and he climbed under my desk and turned on my space heater to warm up the room. It took about an hour, but I was finally able to be warm was the room got so warm he changed into sorts. 

I don't think this symptom will ever go away. If my feet get too cold, they will hurt. If my hands get cold, they will hurt. If anywhere else gets cold, I will always feel the cold down to my bones. Will that make me leave Colorado? Probably not. I just have to suck it up and accept it as one of the symptoms of Hashimoto's disease that I will deal with for the rest of my life. 

Walking Sophie

I have been walking Sophie a lot lately. Today, we walked about two miles which is kind of far for a old, small dog. She seemed to not mind though, for the most part. She did mind when we walked past a house with a blue heeler in the front yard. As he ran down the driveway barking, she stopped, so I picked her up and kept walking. When we got closer to the other dog, she climbed up to my shoulder and would let me put her down until we were past that yard. We do walk on Thursdays with my friend and her two small dogs, and (as I pointed out yesterday) we have two big dogs in our home with her. I am not sure why she was suddenly scared of this dog today, but I guess I will be carrying her at times during walks now. 

Oh, Dexter!

We have three dogs: a lab mixed named Dexter, a boxer mix named Aqua, and a pug/chihuahua named Sophie. Dexter is currently out only boy dog, and he had been peeing on everything that is mine lately. (At least , that’s how it feels.) 

Yesterday, as I was getting ready to go to the temple, I realized that he peed on my temple bag. Luckily, it was a weatherproof bag, so the clothing in to was fine. I was able to switch to a backpack last minute. Then, I went to put my coat on, and it stank like dog pee. I know that it wouldn’t have happened if I put it away Friday morning instead of on the back of a kitchen chair, but it was still frustrating to have to wear a light jacket on a chilly morning. 

Tonight, he peed on my dog. They all went in the backyard for a while and came in happily. When I picked up Sophie, she was wet. When I smelled her, I knew right away what had happened: Dexter peed on her. I gave her a bath (she was not a fan), and she smelled better quickly. 

I don’t know what to do to get him to stop. I don’t even know why it started. Dexter is 11 years old. Can he even be taught to stop at this point?

Wonder Woman Goals

 Last Halloween, I decided I wanted to be Wonder Woman. I was so excited when I found a shirt with a cape on the back! When it came, I found out that the reviews that said it ran small were true. (Yes. I know I am overweight, but I know what size I generally wear.) I wore it anyway to a party, but I was uncomfortable most of the night. 

I really want to be able to comfortably wear this shirt. I have decided to hang it on the wall next to my desk (where my hats are) as motivation. I am hoping that somehow this will give me the motivation I am desperately needing to lose weight. My hope is to be able to wear it on my birthday, July 18. If I am going to turn 45, I am going to do it my way. 

Celebrating Her

 

Yesterday was Peyton‘a birthday. We celebrated today. Since we haven’t shared many birthdays for her, so she is still a bit shy about asking for things. We took everyone to dinner at the place she chose, Waffle House, and we gave her the few things she asked for, gel pens and erasers, along with a Door Dash gift cad. (I couldn’t just give her those few things.) Then, we same back to the house for board games. My hope is that she felt special. 

A Still Voice

“And it came to pass when they heard this voice, and beheld that it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of a great tumultuous noise, but behold, it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper, and it did pierce even to the very soul—“ Helaman 5:30

We often expect a sign that God hears us and is there for us, but that is often not the case. He does not generally give us the big signs that we seek. It is often said in the scriptures that a still voice came out the darkness. 

When Christ came to the Nephites (one of the most significant events in history), a voice came from the heavens "it was not a harsh voice, neither was it a loud voice...being a SMALL voice, it did pierce them that did hear it to the center...it did pierce their very soul, and did cause their hearts to burn."

We need to stop looking for these big signs. Nephi's brothers saw an angel, but they still did not fully believe. However, when a still, small voice came, it pierced the souls of all that heard it (see the two verses quoted above). 

I would rather have a still, small voice testify to my "very soul" of the truthfulness of the gospel and have to search out my answers than have a seemingly huge sign that would be forgotten later. I know that Christ is my Savior. I know he suffered, died, and was resurrected. Because of Him, I can be forgiven for my sins. Because of Him, I am never alone. Because of Him, I can be with my mom and brother again. I will never again turn my back on the One who saved me. 

Porch Nest

For the past few years, we have had a bird family with a nest in a flower pot on our porch. It’s exciting when the babies hatch and we can watch the mommy bird feed the babies as the squeak and look up begging to be next. Sometimes we can see their heads poke up above the sides of the pot. I have tried to take pictures in the past, but the parents are protective and don’t want up getting that close. 

This year, I have not seen much activity there yet. A few weeks ago, I saw what looked like two birds working on the nest, but I haven’t seen them since. I hope it is just that they are there when you m not looking out the window. I keep the pot there for the birds, and I would be sad if they didn’t come back. 

A Bit Over My Head

Yesterday and today, I dove into my classes. Child and Family Advocacy seems to be what I had thought it would be for the most part. It is a 400 level class with a lot of reading and research. Social Media Marketing does not seem to be the simple elective that I had planned, though. I know very little about marketing, and some of the terms are foreign to me. I am hoping that I will catch on as I go considering it is a entry level class. I don't know what else I would take if I decided to drop it, so I am going to stick it out. Wish me luck!  

What Does Forgiveness Mean?

Tonight, Chad and I discussed forgiveness as we studied the “Come, Follow Me” lesson. We read Matthew 18:21-36 then listened to Elder David E. Sorensen’s 2003 talk, “Forgiveness Will Change Bitterness to Love.” I really liked this talk. He talks about the importance of forgiveness and not holding grudges. There were a few things that I highlighted as we listened. My favorite was, “Forgiveness means the problems of the past no longer dictate our destinies, and we can focus on our future with God’s love in our hearts.”

I know that forgiveness does not mean I have to fully trust someone who has hurt me, but it does mean that I no longer hold that pain and anger in my heart. As I active to forgive for past, I will seek for the peace it can bring my future in my marriage and in my heart. The more I can let these things go, the greater my capacity is to love. 

My Week Planned

I am one of those people who get little done unless I have a checklist. I have tried several times to go without it, and it does not go well. For example, I skipped basically the entire month of March because of some personal issues I was dealing with and missed some assignments because of that which affected my grades. You would think I would learn that the methods that work when I am feeling good work when I'm a bit depressed as well. 

For the past few years, I have purchased a planner before the year starts that I am excited about. Last year, it was one that came with stickers and highlighters. This year is one I found on the Happy Planner website after a friend introduced me to their products. In this one, I can plan out my week as well as do my bullet journal stuff in the back. It has been a bit of an adjustment to the new format for the days, but I think I have finally figured it out.

Today, I sat down with Noel to plan out my week. (I'm not sure why she wanted to help me, but it was nice spending time doing something that I enjoy with her.) I let her pick out the colors that I used as we talked and joked around. When I misspelled a word (Who misspells dinner?), she helped me fix it. When she was ready to go watch a show she was waiting to start, she walked back to her room as I searched for the right stickers.

Here is my plan for the week: 

Thankful for Women of History

As much as I would like to see more women climbing the social ladder, I can’t help but see how far we have come. There was a time when women were nothing more than the property of their husbands. They were expected think and act as they were told to do. If they didn’t, there were consequences to be paid. Some of these consequences were done behind closed doors and others were more public. 

For the past few weeks, I have been reading about Elizabeth Packard. She dared to publicly have different beliefs than her husband. As a result, she was committed to an “insane asylum.” At the time, all it took to do this was a signed affidavit from the husband. Then, the fact that she no longer wanted to live with her husband, along with her trying to stick up for herself and other women, were used to keep her there. 

The book that I am reading goes into the general treatment of women who were deemed “insane” in the 1860’s. It was appalling and disgusting and inhumane. There have been times that I felt physically ill as I have read this book. 

I am thankful for women like Elizabeth Packard who fought for women’s rights, going against the grain. We don’t learn about them individually in school. I just happened to come across this book when I took Sean to Barnes and Noble last month. 

I am not one of those people who will say that we need to halt the progress of men/boys to let the women/girls rise above. However, I do believe that women should have the chance to excel if they choose to do so. We should be listened to as equal contributors and be paid equally for the same work. We should have our strengths celebrated alongside the strengths of men. 

We have come a long way in giving women the rights and dignities they deserve as members of the human race. My hope is they we continue to do so in a way that honors us as women.

Classes Starting

My next semester starts Monday, and the classes open today. I will be taking Intro to Social Media Marketing and Child and Family Advocacy for the next 14 weeks. 

I am quite excited for Social Media Marketing. It sounds like an interesting class that may help me find an internship or job. Also, I have considered looking to life coaching when I finish my degree, and it could help me advertise my business if I decide to go in that direction (just an idea I’m tossing around in my head). 

Child and Family Advocacy is required for my degree, but I am quite excited to start that class as well because a few other options I am considering. I have heard this class is hard, but that doesn’t surprise me considering it is a 400 level class. I have been wanting to take it since it started being offered to online students, but I had to take other classes to be able to do so. Then, I thought I should take Family Theory and Dynamics before I jumped into it (not sure why). I hope I continue to be excited about this class as I work through it. 

Once I finish this semester, I will only have two classes plus my internship to go. I am so close I can feel it! This time next year I will have a Bachelors Degree!

New Friend

It has always been hard for me to make friends. I just have a hard time trusting people. There has been more than once that I put my trust in someone who ended up stabbing me in the back. I am slowly learning to let my guard down, an I have been happy with the results. 

About this time last year, our ward boundaries were made bigger. Not long after this, a lady who is now in our ward invited Chad and me to a dinner party, and we went and had fun. Then, we talked to each other here and there at church. After a few months, she organized a girls’ trip and invited me. Then, she and her husband invited Chad and I over for New Year’s Eve. Since then, we have found times to spend together. For the past month, we have been taking walks together after I get off work on Thursday. 

It has been great to get to know a new person. We have a lot in common and many differences. I have learned a lot about myself through her and a lot about being a mom. She is different than my other friends. She seems to be able to make friends with everyone she meets. 

Today, we had a regular conversation about our daughters, work, and other day to day things. As we got back to our cars (we meet at a dirt road to walk), she told me how much better she has felt since the sun has been out more. I told her how much better I have been feeling lately as well. I felt a real connection. 

I have a few very close friends. Each of them have something different about them that draws me to them. I’m not even sure I could explain it really. I know I am meant to be friends with a few choice people, and I am glad I have them in my life. 

My Girl

 I knew I would have an amazing daughter one day. She and I would have a better relationship than I had with my mom. She would be smart, beautiful, and funny. She would be loved more than I ever was or would be. 

Noel is everything I imagined and more. I am so blessed to have her. I hope she knows how much I love her.  I hope she knows I will always fight for her. How could I not? She is one of the most important people in my life and always will be. 

Final Grades

My grades have been finalized. I am not real happy with my grades, but I know that they reflect the work I put into the classes. In Family and Community Relations (the class that stressed me out the most), I ended up with a 79.93%. I am kicking myself for not turning in any assignments the week I got home from visiting my dad. If I had turned in those two assignments, I would most likely have a B. In Family Theory and Dynamics, I ended up with a 79.39%. I think I turned in everything in that class, but I know that I would have a better grade if I studied better for the exams including participating in the study group I was out in. Both grades are passing grades, but they do nothing for my GPA. At this point, I am not planning to go to graduate school, but I would like the option open if I were to decide I want to in the future. 

What Progress?

 At the beginning of the year, I set some goals in the four areas suggested by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (spiritual, physical, social, and intellectual). I have not been doing very well in some of these goals, but I am ready to make a change. 

I want to keep making progress in the areas that I have had some success and add on that success. I recognize that some of my success has required effort and some has required habit formation. I believe that the areas I need to add focus to would require habit formation. I know that means work will be put into it, but my hope it that it becomes as simple to do eventually as listen to a chapter in the Book of Mormon has become. 

To track my progress, I am going back to the pie chart method that I tried when I attempted the Level 10 thing. I believe that having 8 specific goals (two for each category), I can have better focus and be less overwhelmed than having 10 broad categories. 

Happy Easter

 

It was said several times during General Conference that there would be no Christmas if there were no Easter. If Chiat has not sacrificed, bled from every poor, been humiliated, died, and been resurrected, we would have no reason to celebrate His birth. Had he not been willing to do all of this as a perfect man, we would not have a reason to celebrate Him. If He had not been resurrected, we would not have the hope of being with our loved ones for eternity. 

I love my Savior. I am so thankful for the Atonement. I am thankful for the knowledge that I can be with my mom and brother again. I am thankful for the hope my Savior has provided through His sacrifice and resurrection. 

Harry Potter with Sean

At the beginning of the Mammoth Lacrosse season, Sean and I decided we would watch one Harry Potter movie each night Chad was gone with his brother. Sean read all of the books multiple times in elementary school, and I rad them before the movies came out for the most part. We have each seen the movies at least once, but I felt this would be something nice that the two of us could do together. There is only one game left, but there are three movies. We have decided that we will find time on Saturdays to finish the  last two movies together while Chad is at work and Noe is with her dad. 

I have been enjoying watching these movies with Sean. I forget how fun they were. I think I’m going to read the books again when I am done with the books I’m reading right now. 

Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing - Review

 

I finally finished Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing. In some ways I loved this book. I have read the reviews. Some are good, and others are not. It seems that people who just want to know more about Matthew Perry love this book. Then, there are the people who seem to expect it to be perfectly written and edited. 

I bought this book in December as soon as I heard about it because I have a slight obsession with Friends, and I love to learn about people’s backstories. I wasn’t able to start it until January, but for those reasons, I eagerly dove into the book knowing the time I had for reading personal books was limited. 

This book tells Matthew Perry’s life struggles in raw detail. I think it would have been a disservice to him had it been perfectly edited. For the most part, he tells his life story in a linear way. He talks of his upbringing following his parents' divorce, his rise to stardom, his struggles with addiction and dating, his love of God, and his road to recovery. 

Matthew Perry starts with what should have been the story of his death. One would think this would have been the wakeup call needed for him to get clean once and for all. ***Spoiler alert***It was not. 

If you want to read a literary work of art, this is not the book for you. If you want to learn the story of Matthew Perry's life and how he overcame the impossible, you will like this book. 

Waiting for Grades

I finished my finals and last assignments for the semester last night. These classes were the hardest I have taken to date. With only a few semesters left, I am ready to work hard to the end. 

Now, is probably the most nerve wracking part of the semester. I am waiting for all of the assignments I turn in last week, the few assignments due this week, and my finals to be graded. I currently have a B in each of my classes. I have done the calculations. The worst I could do is get Ds in each class. The problem is, that is not good enough. I need Cs or better to pass all degree specific classes. I don’t want tor have to take these classes again. 

Hurt…In a Good Way

Chad and I signed up for this year’s BOLDERBoulder a few days ago. That means it is time to be serious about training. Since my running has been sporadic at best, that means k have to get back on a regular running schedule. I know I keep saying I’m going to do this. 

Today, I started my training plan using my Jeff Galloway’s app. I like using this app because it helps me time my run/walk intervals. I did a 30 minute run for the first time in a long time. Now, my hips and legs hurt, but it is a good kind of hurt. 

I am proud of myself for getting out in the cold and making a plan to move forward. It is not always easy to make the time to workout, but I need to make myself a priority. 

Snacking Goals

I have been snacking way too much over the past month. This is causing issues in more than one way. First, it costs money to make runs to the gas station with Noel or have Door Dash deliver something. Second, I am setting a bad example for Sean and Noel. I know they are old enough for bad habits like emotional eating to have already taken hold, but maybe they can learn better habits. If it's not not too late for me, it's not too late for them. Third, my weight keeps going up. I need to find a healthier way.

I have been getting freeze dried food delivered once a month. I get them because I want to build up my food storage. I also want to eat them, though. Eating the foods that are being ordered and delivered anyway for my snacks would help with the issues I am having in part. 

I have decided that I am going to start having one snack a day of freeze dried fruit. This should help me save money, be a better example, and lose weight. It will not completely keep me away from the junk food. 

Mom Was There

Today, as I watched conference, listened to the talks, and took in the music, I could feel my mom comforting me. I have really been struggling with the events of the accident that took her and Anthony for the past month. I know the Lord heard my prayer yesterday for peace. There were many messages in conference about the peace the gospel brings. It was as though I those talks were tailored to me. The music especially hit me in a special place today. The last hymn in of General Conference was the one I sang with my friend at the funeral. The choir also sang one that I learned how to sign when I was in primary. When I think of signing, I think of my mom and dad. I think the Lord knew I needed to feel something special from conference to help me work through my feelings, and that is exactly what happened. 

Peace of General Conference

I am coming to the realization that a lot of what I am dealing with is because of the reopening of the wound of the death of my mom and brother. Trying to not deal with it is causing commotion in almost all areas of my life. I need to prioritize as I had said a few days ago, but I need to figure out how to do that in a way that I will feel peace. 

This morning, as I showered and got ready to watch General Conference, I prayed with deep emotion. In tears, I begged God to help me heal and feel peace. As I watched and listened to the speakers, I could feel the Lord tell me that I will be ok. There were a few talks that helped me. One talked about over coming discouragement. (The speaker made sure to differentiate between discouragement and mental health issues that need professional intervention.) I knew as I listened to him that he was talking to me. I know that I can feel the peace the gospel brings as I keep my covenants and trust in the Lord. 

I am so glad that my prayers were heard this morning. I am thankful for my Heavenly Father that wants to give me comfort and peace when I am willing to turn to Him. I am excited to find out what else I can learn and feel as I watch the rest of the sessions tomorrow.