A couple days ago, I went through my pantry and other food cabinet to purge expired food as well as organize them. It took about an hour to pull everything out as I looked for expiration dates, wipe the shelves down, and organize it all. I do this about once a year and am always excited about the results.
I have obviously stopped posting as much on this blog. It hasn't been a conscious decision for the most part. A big part of it has been because I have been journaling daily as part of my Miracle Morning. Also, I was struggling with knowing what to post and what not to post and had stepped back a bit while trying to make those decisions.
A paper journal has many advantages. I love sitting down and writing. There is just something cathartic about it that I can't fully explain. I can spill my guts out without judgement or backlash and just sit in the moment. Also, if some server crashes, the journal is still preserved. Having lost my mom at a young age, I see the value in having these records of my innermost thoughts, too. I have no idea if they will have any kind of sentimental value to anyone other than me, but they will be in existence if someone wants to learn about the real me.
A few years ago, it had become obvious that a few people I didn't really want to know certain things were reading my blog. When I vented about this, the backlash directed at one of the children was horrible. Since then, I have been trying to make sure not to post things that could have those results. It's exhausting and a reminder of the controlling crap I endured in a past relationship. A bout 4 or 5 months ago, a comment left on here made it obvious that at least one of these people are still reading what I post. (Hi!) I went into a spiral of fear and depression that I didn't know how to get out of myself. This sent me into a deeper dive of self-help books than I have ever gotten into, and it is helping. It has also lead me to journaling on paper again. I guess you can say that those who have been doing what they can to cyber stalk me have helped me find the parts of me I didn't even know were missing. Thank you, I guess.
Am I going to continue posting? Yes. I just won't be doing so on a consistent basis. I will still post about books I love, my testimony of Jesus Christ and His gospel when I feel inspired to to so, major life events, my knitting or crocheting, and any other time I feel the need to do so. I just won't be posting nearly every day like I had been for a while. My sanity is more important than the $0.03 I earn off of this per month.
At the end of this session, we went into the Celestial Room. As we sat in silence, I prayed for my cousin. Then, I let the peacefulness of the temple wash over me. This was a wonderful reminder as to why I need to do this more often.
As I went into the dressing room, I was stopped by one of the ladies for whom we did sealings. She told me that when Chad and I sat in front of the sealer with the light streaming in through the stained glass window, I smiled and was absolutely gorgeous. The thought came to my head, "Just like your mom." At this point, I could feel her presence. All I could do was smile and thank her as I felt my mom beaming with pride, standing beside me.
I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to do this service for other people in the temple. I am thankful we took the time to go into the Celestial Room. Most of all, I am thankful to the sister who took the time to give me a compliment that brought me closer to my mother. I miss her very much and know there will be a day when we will see each other again.
When we were kids and visiting our grandparents or each other's house, we were rarely seen apart. We have always click in a special way. When my family moved to Colorado, one of the hardest parts was that we couldn't see our cousins very much. We have spent most of our adult lives apart, raising our kids and living. Of all of my cousins, it has been hardest to be separated from her.
Now, she is most likely dying, and I changed my vacation plans to spend time with her. Even with her health struggles, we still click. She is still MY cousin. We will always have a special bond that none of our other cousins share.
In 2015, I started the Pathway program which started my journey to my bachelors degree. At the time, it required that I meet with others in a group once a week. I felt out of place often because I had to leave a bit early to rush off to work, but there were a few people that always made me feel a part of the class: Brandon and Michelle.
Unfortunately, life made it difficult to keep up with these friendships (they lived about 30 minutes away, and our paths didn't naturally cross). I have done my best to keep up with them on Facebook and told myself I would eventually arrange a meet up with them.
Today, Michelle passed away after her second bout with cancer. She was one of those people that exuded goodness and kindness. She loved scrapbooking, Hallmark movies, her daughter and grandchildren, and Christmas. In the last month or so of her life, she posted something that brought her joy each day which shows exactly who she was. I cried a bit as I read the post from her daughter informing every one of her passing because the world was a better place with her in it. I hope he knows how much she was loved in this world even from people who haven't seen her in person in about 8 years.
With our entry tickets, we were each given a paper lantern to decorate. We each chose a quote to write on them and what to draw. When the ceremony began, we released our lanterns in the water and watched them float away. It was calming and freeing to do this as meditative music played over the speakers. When she was ready to go, we left.
I don't know if this helped her. I hope it gave her some closure. I know it helped me clear my mind even though I didn't realize it would benefit me in any way.
